This chapter features bios and responses to questions from 37 women about their relationships and experiences with intimacy, sexuality, and love. The women represented a wide range of ages, identities, backgrounds and relationship experiences, including those who love men and women. Following the bios, the chapter shares selected responses from 15 questions asked to each woman about topics like what they look for in relationships, how they define and express intimacy, the impact of children and abuse on relationships, and how ideas of ideal relationships are shaped by media portrayals.

2. This particular chapter takes a deep
and intimate look into the lives of three
dozen women.
These woman represent a wide range
of ages, identities, and experiences. In
fact, the discussion was divided into
two separate sections – women who
love men, and women who love women.
The chapter began with bios of each of
the 37 women to help the reader feel
more connected to the individual and
have some insight on their life.
Following the bios is a series of 15
questions asked to each and some of
their responses.

3. o What are you looking for in a relationship?
o How do you define and express intimacy?
o What do you enjoy most about being sexual?
o What role has love played or not played in your relationships?
o What is it like to be in a relationship when you don’t like some or all of your on body?
o How do media images and portrayals of relationships affect your idea of an “ideal”
relationship?
o How does it affect your relationships when you are with someone whom the world gives
more or less power than you have, because of race, income, gender, or disability?
o What are your experiences in relationships that span racial differences?
o Have you or your partner discussed having children? If you had differing opinions, how
did it affect the relationship?
o What effect do children have on dating or staying in a relationship?
o When did you realize that a relationship you intended to stay in was going to be work?
What are some obstacles that can get in the way of relationships?
o How has sexual abuse and/or physical violence affected your relationship?
o What has helped the process of healing from sexual or other abuse?
o How has growing older affected your relationships or what you look for in a relationship?
o Do you feel affected by relationship time lines?

4. o Alexa: I’m a twenty-two-year- old
heterosexual woman, though I’ve had
a few intimate relationships with
women in my college years. I’m from a
working-class family and both of my
parents were/are struggling with
multiple addictions. I am living a
securely middle-class/ o Danielle: I’m a twenty-five-year old
intellectual/progressive lifestyle. I’m preoperative transsexual lesbian. I’m
currently living with my monogamous currently coming out of a long-term
boyfriend of two years. relationship that stretched over most of
my transition. I’m really interested in
o Pearl: I am an aging (sixty-two), nontraditional relationships, how body
middleclass, Midwestern, white lesbian issues can impact relationships, and
feminist. My relationship began twenty how to look toward the future while still
years ago in a triple that lasted for focusing on the present in a
fourteen or the twenty years we have relationship.
been together. My partner and I were
recently married under the care of our
local Quaker meeting. I have spent my
career in the disability rights
movement. In my outer, public life I am
not as wild as I once was, but my
private, intimate life is wilder than I
could have imagined.

5.  Cheryl: I am thirty-three years old,  Ananda: I am sixty-three years old.
African American, heterosexual, a My relationship with my life partner
single mother of two sons. I am a (married for twelve years) has been
trainer of educators in teen nonmonogamous for all of our thirty-
pregnancy prevention approaches two years together. We each have
and programs, which is great work long-term very satisfying other
that I feel passionately about and relationships. My main “other” has
also is reflective of my personal been part of my life for thirty years;
journey as a young mom. My son’s my partner has been in a
father and I ended our relationship relationship with a woman who is
when I was in my midtwenties, and I now also my good friend of fifteen
have been on this crazy journey of years. Everyone knows about
dating and being in relationships as everyone else; there are no secrets.
a single mom. This is a very complex lifestyle and
not for everyone; it has been a great
 EJM: I am a heterosexual twenty- challenge and brought much
four year-old. I am Korean, growing richness to my life.
up half my life in the U.S and the
other half in Korea.

6. How do you define and express intimacy?
What are you looking for in a relationship?  Danielle: To truly laugh with someone-
not at them or near them, but with
 Francesca: What I want in a them-requires a certain amount of
relationship is patience. It has been intimacy. Because laughter, like any
many, many years since I have been in emotional expression, requires the
a relationship. I have not had sex with safety to express that joy. The trust that
a partner in more than twelve years. I your expression won’t be dismissed. The
am a very sexual being, but I know that openness and sharing of the moment.
since it has been such a long time, I’m It requires an understanding of why the
a bit insecure and need someone who moment is funny, and why the shared
is patient with me to help me navigate experience is important.
back to a place of sexual self-esteem.
 Nina: Intimacy is all in the details. It’s
 Cecilia: I made a list… when #1 turned more than sex, and it’s more than
up, I recognized all the traits and went knowing how to cuddle. It’s being able
right for it. Then I met a man on a bus. to read your partner’s face and know
By the time we got off, life had exactly what they are feeling before
changed. No list, just him. they tell you. It’s knowing the right
combination of words to make
 Jordan: Oooh, this resonates with me so everything better when their world is
much. I definitely think of partners as falling apart.
co-conspirators. (In fact, I think I once
posted a personal ad which included
that phrase “seeks partner in crime.”) I
love planning and building things with
people (which can be anything from
embarking on a papermaking project
together to something more personal),
and I definitely want to be with
someone who shares that and who has
a zest for adventure.

7.  What is it like to be in a relationship when you
don’t like some or all of your own body?
o Alexa: As a larger woman (size 18-20, 230 pounds), I occasionally
engaged in relationships in my teen years that I didn’t particularly want
to be in because I felt lucky that somebody would be interested in me
in spite of my body. Now I am with a great guy who is attracted to me
for many reasons, but partly because of my body. I recently realized
that physical attraction has a lot to do with intimacy, and what I
actually resent is that the contemporary media have decided on one
type of body that is acceptable to find attractive.
o Zoe: I’ve always thought that I had a cute face and pretty features,
but when I think about my actual body, I start to have doubts. I’m taller
than most women, and in heels I’m over six feet. In college, I hung out
with a group of girls who were all about 5’2” (if that) and I would always
joke that I felt like Gandalf and the Hobbits because I towered over
them. To top it off, I’m not a small girl – size 14 – everything about me
just felt big.
o EJM: I grew up with severe eczema. Due to the constant peeling and
scars on my body, I have very discolored and uneven skin. In previous
relationships, my skin was something unsexy and shameful. I rarely liked
the lights on during sex, and if my partner commented on my skin, even
the most benign comment, it would put me into a negative thought
pattern.

8. o How do media images and portrayals of relationships affect your idea of an “ideal”
relationship?
o Heidi: Children’s stories and movies like Disney films introduced me to a heteronormative ideal
at a very young age. When I was a young teenager, I started having feelings for some of the
girls on my favorite TV shows. I as so ashamed of my feelings toward girls, including my best
friend at the time, that I really tired to overcompensate by becoming as boy crazy as possible.
o Sophia: I think the lack of interracial relationships in the media is one of the reasons why my
parents were not totally supportive of our relationship when my husband and I started dating.
o Judith: More than shaping my knowledge of the “idea” relationship, I think media images
affect me by severely limiting my sense of what relationship models are possible. Years after
coming out as a lesbian, I still find that if I watch too many sitcoms (with their almost entirely
heterosexual pairings), I find myself asking questions about how I’d handle that situation were it
to arise with my husband.
o Kali: What the media say about my relationships now, since I became disabled, is enough to
make me both devastated and enraged. The media say that either my partner will leave me,
or he is some great self-sacrificing person.

9. The reason I think that I enjoyed this chapter so much in particular has a lot to do with
curiosity. I wanted to see how much I would relate to these other women.
Agree Disagree
 It was great to read all of the ladies stories  I wouldn’t say that I necessarily disagreed
and their opinions on each aspect of a with anyone in particular. However, there
relationship. I would say I found myself in were a few things that were hard for me to
agreement with a majority of the things they understand as I have never experienced
anything similar. Basically, instead of
presented. disagreeing with them, it was more of the fact
that I wouldn’t chose that option for myself.
 One thing that really stuck out to me that I
would say I agreed most with was Nina’s  There was something that stood out to my
immediately when reading this chapter. In
response to the question of “do you feel one of the ladies bios, Ananda, which
affected by relationship time lines?”. Nina mentioned she was married but that both she
stated “I had this idea that I would be and her husband were both in relationships
married by twenty-five and on my first baby on the side. To be exact, “My relationship with
my life partner (married for twelve years) has
by twenty-eight. I am twenty-five right now been nonmonogamous for all of our thirty-
and I have been single for the last six years. I two years together. We each have long-term
used to beat myself up for it, but my mom very satisfying other relationships. My main
reminded me of all I have accomplished in “other” has been part of my life for thirty
years; my partner has been in a relationship
my twenty-five years”. with a woman who is now also my good
friend of fifteen years. Everyone knows about
everyone else; there are no secrets” (I
 This struck me right away because this is mentioned this slightly in slide number 4).
something I am going through currently. I
know that I am still young (going to be 22 in  I don’t think that it is wrong that Ananda has
November) but I have been feeling chosen this lifestyle, I just simply do not think it
overwhelmed with the thought of a what my is the right lifestyle for me. I know I wouldn’t
life is going to be and when I will meet that be able to take part in a relationship this
complex. I love having that person that you
person. I can relate a lot with what Nina is call yours and I just can’t imagine sharing that
expressing here. person with someone else.

10. o Throughout the entire chapter there were a number of quotes that jumped
out at me. However, there was one quote that stood out above the rest.
o “I read something once that became a mantra for
moments like this in my life: „Love courageously.‟
What that means to me is that love is risky business
and scary, but I need to be courageous and do it
anyway.”
oThis was a quote made by Cheryl
when asked what she is looking for
in a relationship. I honestly cannot
think of a better answer myself. As I
read this it instantly came off of the
page and became much more. I
connected with this quote and I think
that it is one I will use in the future.

11.  How big of an affect did/do past
relationships have your current
relationship?
 I want to see if we can get a discussion going on past relationships
and the affects they have on new relationships. I think previous
relationships play a role in new relationships on a number of
different levels – past relationships could make people more timid
starting over with new partners because the break up was difficult
or the person from the past relationship could be continuously
popping up again making it difficult to move on or may put stress
on the new relationship.