This document discusses how to find self-acceptance through asking 5 questions when automatic reactions or "parts" of oneself take over in situations. It uses the example of a woman named Mary who feels only worthwhile when helping others. Mary is asked to look after a friend's cat but is allergic; asking the 5 questions helps her see alternatives and say no in a balanced way. The questions are: what are the facts, how am I interpreting it, what supports/contradicts this, is there another view, and making better choices leads to peace and self-acceptance.

1. Finding self-acceptance: 5 questions
to ask.
May 23, 2016 by Julia Nowland
We all have our own unique worldview. How we think, feel and behave in
any given situation is shaped by our perceptions, past experiences and
beliefs. What we believe becomes our reality, so when we’re faced with
certain situations, those beliefs step forward to take centre stage.
To illustrate my point, let’s say that Mary secretly believes she’s only
worthwhile when she’s helping people. As a child she received lots of praise
from the adults in her life for being a “good girl” and “very helpful”, and she
internalised this message.
As an adult, Mary takes on extra responsibility at work, she’s known for being
the ‘reliable’ one, and her friends and family often ask her to do favours for
them. That’s her “helpful part” taking centre stage.
Mary likes feeling needed, in fact there’s a big part of her that needs to be
needed. This ‘part’ was formed to help Mary feel more secure and less
anxious, and there’s nothing wrong with that – until there is…
Unfortunately, the behaviours Mary adopted as a young girl might have been
helpful to her back then, but are less helpful to her now.
In fact, now they often make her feel resentful and used by people. Mary
thinks to herself:
Why does everyone always rely on me?!
They only call when they want something!
Here is where Mary has a choice.
She can continue to operate under this ‘part’ of herself to get her need of
being ‘needed’ met. Or she can recognise when she’s operating from this part

2. out of a programmed response, and learn to accept herself. The difference is,
she now has awareness, and can change her behaviour if she chooses.
So when a certain ‘part’ of you steps forward and starts taking over, maybe it’s
your fearful part, an angry part, a bossy part, a righteous and entitled part,
whatever part steps forward for you in certain situations, ask yourself these
five questions and see if you’re responding with mindfulness or if you’re
simply reacting on autopilot.
Let’s use Mary again, and her friend Sally, as an example:
What are the facts of the situation?
Sally needs someone to look after her cat while she’s away for three weeks.
Mary’s allergic to cats and she lives in an apartment, which doesn’t allow pets.
How am I interpreting the situation?
Mary thinks, Sally’s a good friend, if I say “no” she’s going to be stuck. I feel
really guilty saying “no”. I don’t want to have to say “no” and then have an
uncomfortable conversation afterwards.
What evidence supports my interpretation?
Mary is already feeling guilty. Sally said she was going to be stuck. It always
feels uncomfortable after saying “no” to someone.
What evidence contradicts my interpretation?
Sally asked Penny first, but she said she couldn’t do it, and their friendship is
fine.
Is there another way of looking at the situation?
Sally can ask other friends or family, or have her cat professionally minded.
Mary will feel guilty and a little uncomfortable for a while, but not forever – and
Sally may never even know.

3. Answering these five questions helped Mary work through the problem in a
more balanced way. It helped her resolve the conflict within her own mind
about how her friend would respond, and encouraged her to use healthier
self-talk.
Ask yourself these questions the next time you start to feel a ‘part’ taking over.
Hint: this ‘part’ is often something about ourselves that we try to ignore or
push away.
It takes work to check our behaviour and make better choices about how we
will react to a situation. It’s not easy, but the peace and loving self-acceptance
that you’ll find at the end of it are well worth it.
If you found this article helpful I’d love to hear from you in the comments
below, and feel free to share this article with your loved ones.