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Justine Jones
COM 4462
MW 3:00 PM
Short Paper #1
Dealing With Emotions in Conflict
One particular conflict that involves a range of several different emotions,
especially in interpersonal relationships, would be conflicts between romantic partners
such as in a marriage or a girlfriend/boyfriend relationship. The reason why these
relationships tend to be so emotionally charged is most likely due to the amount of
emotions that are invested in the relationship in the beginning. Romantic relationships
are built on strong friendship and trust as well as attraction and similarities in personality.
If the trust is broken, such as where adultery is committed in the relationship, there are
many emotions that can come along with this for both parties. Some of the negative
emotions that come with this situation are fear, anger, hurt, and guilt. If these emotions
are not controlled and dealt with on a mature level they could potentially escalate the
conflict and lead to physical and verbal attacks, reciprocation, and withdrawal altogether.
It is imperative during emotional conflicts not to discredit the expression and importance
of emotions in order to understand the other’s feelings and their own internal conflict. It
is also important to understand how to handle these emotions during conflict and avoid
further escalation.
Possible Felt Emotions During Relationship Conflict
A good way to understand what emotions an individual is feeling is through
primary and secondary appraisals. Primary appraisals assess the situation and decide
whether the event is positive or negative and how it relates to the goals of the individual.

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Secondary appraisal can also be called “labeling.” During this process is when the
individual realizes what emotions they may be feeling and who is making them feel this
way. After appraising the situation, there are several emotions that can generate through
the process.
When the trust is broken between two people in a romantic relationship, the most
common emotions felt by one or more of the parties are anger, hurt, guilt, and sadness. A
common initial feeling to broken trust is anger. Anger is strongly associated with action
tendencies such as attacking “opponents” in the situation. Another emotion that is
commonly associated with this situation is hurt. Psychological hurt, or hurt feelings, is
closely related to anger and sadness and can sometimes escalate into one or both of these
emotions. Hurt can be caused by relational transgressions, feelings of betrayal, violations
of implicit and explicit relational rules, and infidelity in interpersonal relationships
(Folger, Poole & Stutman, 2008). Other common emotions associated with such
situations are sadness and guilt. Guilt is the result of hurting someone or the perceived
feeling of unjustly injuring or failing to help someone else. Ways of dealing with guilt
can be simply refusing to take responsibility, justifying one’s behavior, or offering
compensation for their actions. These emotions and actions in response to these emotions
are in some cases necessary to resolve the situation effectively.
Expression and Regulation of Emotions in Conflict
Emotions in conflict can be necessary to regulate social interaction and reflect
underlying emotional states (Hample, Thompson-Hayes, Wallenfelsz, 2005). Four key
ideas expand on the social aspects of emotional experience: display rules, emotion work,

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reappraisal, and emotional contagion. Display rules are what require people to minimize
or alter in any way their own emotions in order to be more socially appropriate. In a
situation where adultery is committed in a marriage, display rules may be needed to hold
back strong negative emotions to a more socially acceptable standard. What is “socially
acceptable” in a situation is dependent on several factors such as cultural rules and what
has been acceptable in the relationship in the past. Display rules are also used to project a
certain a separate emotional display than what an individual may be feeling inside. For
example, a wife who has been cheated on by her husband would most likely be feeling
extreme hurt, but can use display rules to hide hurt emotions in order to hide weakness.
Emotion work is somewhat parallel to display work such as that in a conflict
situation an individual needs to generate the appropriate feelings after evaluating the
situation and chooses their emotions accordingly. While display rules focus on the
outward appearance of an emotion, emotion work is directed internally (Hample, et al.,
2005). In a romantic conflict, either partner may be confused as to what they are feeling
in the situation. Emotion work is the process of evaluating one’s internal state and
deciding what emotions they are feeling in response to the conflict.
Reappraisal is a form of change in in thinking where people decrease negative
emotions by altering their thoughts in a positive way. During reappraisal, an individual
may reframe the situation by seeing new opportunities or looking at the conflict in a
different light. They may become more optimistic and see the situation in a new way. A
wife who has been cheated on initially would be filled with negative emotions toward

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their partner and life in general. After reappraisal, the wife would start to see new
opportunities for a change in life and may begin to come to terms with the conflict.
Emotional contagion occurs when one person experiences a response similar to
another's emotional display. In an argument, it is highly likely that both parties will
begin to mirror each other’s emotions. The reason for this is because emotions are
“contagious” and tend to spread between individuals involved in the conflict. Emotional
contagion can sometimes lead to escalation if both parties are unwilling to change their
emotional state. In a conflict between husband and wife where one of them may be
extremely angry with the other, both parties would start to display angry emotions. All of
these key elements of emotions in conflict help researchers understand how emotions are
regulated on an internal and external scale. Conflict is inevitably emotional, thus
emotions play a major part in understanding conflict and how to effectively deal with it.
Emotions in Conflict: What Makes Conflict Hurtful?
During a conflict, there are some things that people tend to be more sensitive
about than others when it comes to emotions. One of the main things related to emotions
in a conflict is the topic or content of the conflict. Based on the content of an argument,
all parties may come into the situation with pre-conceived thoughts and emotions about
the other parties based on what is taking place. In the reoccurring example of adultery in
a romantic relationship, both parties would enter into the conflict with negative feelings
and emotions.
Another factor that influences emotions based on interactions between parties is
the form of communication in the conflict. The form of a message is the specific type of

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speech act during communication. Some of these speech acts harmful to emotions during
conflict can be making accusations, posing questions, telling lies, and so on (Young,
2010). In trust issue situations, these speech acts can be detrimental to relationships by
harvesting more negative emotions. Lies and accusations can be extremely harmful to a
relationship and may create hurt emotions. Parties that are within an interdependent
relationship influence individual emotions based on how they interact with each other.
Measures to Control Emotions
The first step to handling emotions in conflict is to accept emotion as a natural
part of conflict. Its also important acknowledge and identify one’s emotional state during
the conflict in order for them to keep them under control. Discussing emotions in an
open setting and being honest is key to solving conflict in a rational way. Finally, the
best way to handle emotions in conflict is to try and foster hope and positive attitudes
instead of negativity (Folger et all., 2008). If all parties can look at the situation in a
positive light, it is more likely that the conflict will be solved more effectively. Emotions
are unavoidable when it comes to conflict, especially when the subject is sensitive and
personal. Identifying and learning to control these emotions is key to handling conflict
effectively without other influences.

6. Bibliography
Folger, O. P., Poole, M. S., & Stutman, R. K. (2008). Working through conflict,
strategies for relationships, groups, and organizations. Allyn & Bacon.
Hample, D., Thompson-Hayes, M., Wallenfelsz, K., Wallenfelsz, P., & Knapp, C. (2005).
Face-to-Face Arguing is an Emotional Experience: Triangulating Methodologies and
Early Findings. Argumentation & Advocacy, 74-93. Retrieved from EBSCOhost.
Young, S. L. (2010). Positive Perceptions of Hurtful Communication: The Packaging
Matters. Communication Research Reports, 49-57.