The importance of revenge and forgiveness in healing trauma.

1. Trust and Betrayal
Reflections in Psychotherapy on
Trust, Betrayal, Revenge and Forgiveness
Demetrios N Peratsakis, MSEd, SDSAS, LPC, ACS, CCTP

2. Notes on the Practice of Psychotherapy
Demetrios Peratsakis, LPC
Copyright © November 11, 2015
Note: This subject crosses several broad areas of specialized work, including Trauma/PTSD, Sexual
Abuse, Domestic Violence and Couples Therapy. Further readings should be specific to the casework.
Trust, Betrayal, Revenge and Forgiveness
Trust is the fundamental agreement between people to risk hurt in exchange for acceptance and love.
It is a loyalty pact whose pledge is to consider the best interests of another and, above all else, to
protect them from possible harm. It is for this reason, that the consequences of betrayal are so dire.
In no uncertain terms, betrayal is a trauma. The extent of it will determine whether the trust is
repairable and the kind of remedy that would satisfy its breach. Extreme betrayals, such as incest, rape,
infidelity or abuse, are so toxic that acts of contrition, punishment and forgiveness may be necessary to
the healing process.
Prologue
To forgive and not forget is, in essence, to not forgive at all. While people are extremely resilient and
adept at negotiating the intricacies of social interaction they are particularly susceptible to the nuances
of love and affection. Emotional closeness and intimacy develops trust which carries with it specific
expectations and terms that if violated results in betrayal and hurt. In this regard the capacity to trust
and love can be marred if the wrong is not righted and the betrayal not atoned for with equal or greater
justice.
It is never too late to right a wrong; nor is it ever too late to seek revenge or forgiveness.
While withholding one’s forgiveness can, in itself, be an effective means of punishing another, most
wish for atonement and the opportunity to see a wrong righted in real terms of equal or greater justice.
Betrayal mars the capacity for trust, rendering the victim of betrayal, love. Shame and Guilt are
insufficient forms of self punishment, as is Worry. Like “confession”, they can be ways of excusing
one’s behavior without truly making and amends or changing. More often than not, “change” is the
only true apology; needing “revenge” and “contrition” to wipe-the-slate-clean.
Trust
Trust is essential to nurturing and bonding and includes a collection of very dynamic processes that,
by their nature, are in continuous flux: intimacy, mutual protection and the agreement to work toward
shared goals and interests (social cooperation).
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In stark contrast, one is also motivated by self-interest and the drive for personal fulfillment. This
dichotomy creates continual dilemmas that must be reconciled by the individual, dyad or family
system. The healthfulness of a relationship may be measured by its capacity for trust and its ability to
continuously negotiate such differences: how capable are members at employing decision-making and
problem-solving skills to remedy conflicts to each person’s satisfaction? The struggle to control the
outcome of a decision or event (power-play) is an inherent component of social relations and a
defining by-product of all social interactions.
For this reason, we regard power as fundamental to interpersonal dynamics and a core driver in the
misuse of trust as a means of controlling others. When power is used unjustly, anger and resentment
occur; when a defining characteristic of the relationship, the less assertive member will rely on more
passive-aggressive methods to control and punish. In extreme circumstances, revenge may take the
form of attention-seeking, self-harm, failure, inadequacy or the development of socially controlling
symptoms such as phobia or depression.
Betrayal
Betrayal can occur for a number of reasons, including dissatisfaction, jealousy, punishment and lust.
Typically, both relationship members experience shame, with the victim incurring feelings of hurt and
anger and the violator guilt and remorse. Untreated, especially if a severe or chronic pattern of offense,
feelings of worthlessness and depression will develop and become relatively entrenched. If the breach
is serious, it may ultimately require some form of retribution, without which forgiveness will be
difficult and reconciliation less assured.
By their nature, few betrayals are more devastating than when committed by family members or
lovers. Ironically, many victims will perpetrate abuse and betrayal upon others, especially when anger
has been generalized into rage.
Forgiveness
Redemption can occur if the individual acknowledges and apologizes for the pain that they have
caused and if the victim is able and ready to surrender their suffering. The victim’s anger may be
valuable in assisting the individual to feel empowered, to retaliate or to seek safety and protection.
Where power-plays occur, there is often great reluctance to forgo punishing the offender without
sufficient remorse or assurances about future conduct. Reliving the hurt, re-energizes the anger, which
has positive as well as negative consequences depending on the freedom and willingness to act. For
this reasons, forgiveness is often necessary for a relationship to move forward and for the trust
agreement to be renewed.
The treatment goal, therefore, should be to help move the offender toward ownership and repentance,
and the victim toward revenge and absolution.

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Treatment
Relationships undergo stress, relying on various methods to attain relief including triangulation, a
coalition or alignment with a third person, issue or condition (ie. symptom). Triangulation deflects
tension within the dyad by reducing the directness of the conflict. It may also be used by one of the
members to unbalance a power-play and tip the outcome of an issue toward their desired result.
The therapist must be mindful that, by their very participation, they become a part of a triad and are
subject to triangulation. This can be exceedingly strong, at times volatile, especially when conflict
exists between a couple, such as partners or parents, or a highly enmeshed dyad, such as a mother and
a sickly child. In these circumstances, it is common that the dyad will scapegoat the therapist or else
continuously attempt to engage the therapist in shifting the balance of their power-plays.
When trust is neither repairable nor desired the goal of treatment should be in assisting members with
separation work, including legal recourse or divorce. In these circumstances, it is not unusual for the
therapist to retain a working contract with one member of the dyad or system. In fact, this outcome is
often the premeditated purpose for therapy being sought: one member secretly plots to solicit the
therapist’s aid in escaping the relationship or else hopes to utilize “therapy” as a safe place from which
to abandon their partner and leave them in the therapist’s care.
It is important, therefore, to clarify the motivation and commitment of the partners. Do they wish to
remain in a workable relationship despite the blame and mistrust or do they wish to work through the
pain necessary for an eventual reconciliation? If the latter, the reasons for doing so must be carefully
examined and an inventory of obstacles and challenges taken and discussed. Strengths,
complementarities and shared investments between members, such as family, children, or business
holdings, can be triangulated by the therapist to help incentivize the work. In almost all instances, it is
beneficial to create a new time-line, a new beginning from which all future behaviors may be judged
(intent) and progress toward redemption evaluated:
1. The therapist creates a new point in time, a “new history”, demarcating the current moment
from any betrayal or failure of the past. This may be done by introducing a “cease fire” or
“truce”, a way of symbolically acknowledging that irrespective of what has previously
occurred the parties are willing to “give it another try”. The new pledge is to refrain from
adding further damage to the relationship until reparations are complete. Typically, this
measure is readily endorsed by the perpetrator, with the victim displaying ambivalence or a
reluctance to surrender their mistrust. The therapist should recognize this concern and
encourage the victim to retain their misgivings until such time as a fully satisfactory “deal”
can be reached. Validating the power of the victim is important to making the power-play
overt and reducing the likelihood of its expression in more insidious ways.
2. Once an agreement has been reached, the therapist should solicit some “act of good faith” that
each partner can perform in order to exemplify their willingness to uphold the new truce. Care
should be taken to render the act as a “token” of good intent, keeping it simple and in
behavioral terms to reduce the likelihood of failure or sabotage by the partner or other member
in the mix. The difficulty of the undertaking should be continually reaffirmed.

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3. It is difficult for forgiveness to occur without some genuine expression of remorse. While
several therapies address the issue of trust and betrayal, most gloss over the natural imperative
for revenge. Likewise, few exploit the enormous benefit of repentance and the admission of
guilt to the victim without which repair of the trust agreement will be less secure. The
alternatives for demonstrating these expressions are rather limitless and best left to the creative
energies of the victim and offender:
Sample “Acts of Contrition” (to make amends; penance) for the perpetrator:
• get on their knees and beg for forgiveness
• talk about their own shame; describe their own weakness
• write a letter, poem or newspaper ad of apology
• contact relatives, children, peers or co-workers and “confess to their sin”
• allow the victim to slap or spit in their face
• arrange and participate in a “public humiliation”
• destroy or damage a favored possession/give away a cherished belonging
• hold a “confessional”
• sacrifice a favored activity or need
Sample “Acts of Revenge” (planned punishment) for the victim:
• retaliate (retaliation is an effective, yet controversial, means of punishing another; the
therapist must be careful about condoning illegal or “immoral” behavior)
• redefine the terms and purpose of the relationship; include zero-tolerance for abuse
• arrange a structured separation, using therapy as the common meeting stage
• meet with an attorney for guidance on a legal course of action
• create a “voodoo-doll” or “target” of the perpetrator, ie. collage of hate, a letter of revenge
• arrange for a period of indentured servitude (by agreement with perpetrator)
• client is now punishing someone in small doses, in different ways. Have them imagine a
way that they could make this person suffer in one, big enough way to call-it-even.
• wish a major illness or disease on some one.
• establish a ritual that would help them channel their upsetment throughout the week
• recovery therapy: explore childhood abuse and prior traumas and victimizations, including
intergenerational trends; use guided imagery/empty chair/cbt to “re-grow” the individual,
seek revenge or practice controlling anxiety, depression and shame
 revenge through empowerment: increased skill proficiency
 revenge through empowerment: care for self
 revenge through empowerment: moving on and succeeding in life, love and work
 kill the “ghosts”: admonishments and “I told you so”s from family, friends and self
• ask client(s) to write a will, include everyone that has ever hurt them and what they have
done. Ask that they include what they want each to know and what they have left them.
• ask client to get on bended-knees at victim's feet and beg for forgiveness. Public humiliation
is a powerful punishment. Have victim and antagonist agree on form; victim chooses place
and time.