This document discusses codependency and enabling behaviors in parenting, particularly with prodigal children. It defines codependency as excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact relationships and quality of life. Enabling perpetuates problematic behaviors by taking responsibility away. The document explores setting biblical boundaries and enforcing consequences to teach responsibility, rather than rescuing children from natural consequences. The goal is to raise godly, not "successful," children by putting God in control, not the parent or child. Trusting God and his discipline allows children to become responsible adults.

1. Dr. Jay
BurnsThe Prodigal Ministry
Dallas, Texas

2. Codependency
& Enabling
A Parents Perspective

3. Goals
• God’s plan : The law of reaping and sowing
• Where it can go wrong : Codependency/Enabling
– In general
– In Prodigal situations…addiction, recovery
• Exploring Boundaries
– Broad view of battling and correcting co-dependency
– Biblical basis
• A Parent’s perspective:
admissions and lessons learned?

4. The Law of Reaping and Sowing
Galatians 6:7
Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A
man reaps what he sows. The one who sows
to please his sinful nature, from that nature,
will reap destruction; the one who sows to
please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap
eternal life.

5. Definitions
• Codependency (Definition)
– Tendency to behave in overly passive or
excessively caretaking ways that negatively impact
ones relationship and quality of life. It also often
involves putting one’s needs at a lower priority
than others while being excessively preoccupied
with the needs of others.
– People addiction
– IDOL WORSHIP…of people /children/ loved ones?

6. Definitions
• Enabling (Definition)
– Term with double meaning. In a negative sense,
enabling is used in the context of problematic
behavior, to signify approaches that are intended
to help but in fact may perpetuate a problem.
– A common theme of enabling is that third parties
take responsibility, blame, or make
accommodations for a person’s harmful contact
– It is much much harder to remain an addict for
long without an enabler.

7. Co-Dependency
• Finding value in how we relate to people (in
relationships) rather than in our identity in
Christ
• Co-dependency is simply idol worship
-

8. What are the consequences of not reaping
the consequences?
• Rescuing a person from the natural
consequences of his/her behavior enables
him to continue in irresponsible behavior
• Introduces a false sense of reality
• Entitlement / I deserve it
• I can get away with anything/ I am God
• Destruction

10. It Felt “Right”
• I love him so much…
• He is adopted…
• He is black in an all white school…
• He has ADD…
• He struggles with….________
• He got mixed up with some bad friends…

11. Proverbs 14:12
There is a way which seems right to man but
in the end it leads to death

12. My Biggest Mistake
• Wrong Paradigm for my Life Purpose:
– Wrong parenting Purpose
• My goal :
– To have my son “Succeed”
• The Proper Goal :
– To have my son be a responsible person, walking
faithfully with God

13. Enabling
• Protecting people from natural consequences
• Protect to keep peace
• Make excuses for people
• See the problem as the result of something else
• Avoiding conflict to keep peace
• Give undeserved rewards
• Make threats
• Doing what someone else
should do for themselves

15. Biblical Model of Security/Dependency
Psalm 33:16-18
No King is saved by the size of his army; no
warrior escapes by his great strength. A horse
is a vain hope for deliverance; despite all its
great strength it cannot save. But the eyes of
the Lord are on those who fear him, on those
whose hope is in his unfailing love…

16. Biblical Model of Security/Dependency
2 Cor. 1:9,10
…but this happened that we might not rely on
ourselves but on God, who raises the dead. He
has delivered us from such a deadly peril and
he will deliver us. On him we have set our
hope that he will continue to deliver us

17. The Root Problem
• The hole in our heart….
• St Augustine : “thou hast created us for
Thyself, and our hearts is not quiet until it
rests in Thee.
• Our deep need that can only be satisfied by
God

18. The Root Problem
• Most of us want to be on the throne…to be
God - to Control
• My son wanted to be on the throne
• I wanted to be on the throne
• Only when I finally put God on the throne, did
we begin to see progress and hope

19. Matter of the heart
• Co-dependency
– Reacts without thought
– Addictive
– Poor sense of
boundaries
– If I can get them to need
me then I will feel good
about myself
– Inner compulsion driven
– joyless
• Christianity
– Proactive
– Balanced
– Boundaries well defined
– I will do it if it is
honoring to God and will
bring him glory
– God driven
– Joyful !
Co-dependency can look the same as Christian brotherly love

20. Co dependency vs Christianity
• Co-dependency - Self
– If they are hurting then I
must have done
something wrong
– Anxiety is a clue
– Fear of man
• Prov 29:25 fear of man
will prove to be a snare,
but whoever trusts in the
Lord is kept safe
• Christianity- God
– Discipline and pain are
useful tools to grow
people (Heb 12)
– Peace is a clue
Fear of God
• Psalm 27:1 The Lord is my
light and my salvation---
whom shall I fear. The
Lord is my stronghold—of
whom shall I be afraid?

21. Enabling vs. Christian love
• Jesus said “Love they neighbor as thyself”
• Note: he did not say “more than yourself”
• You are to love the other person, not BE the
other person
• It all comes down to motive…where is our
heart in the matter

22. The Cure for Co-Dependency
• Walking with God
• Galatians 6 :7 Do not be deceived: God cannot
be mocked. A man reaps what he sows
• You can not do more than God. You cannot be
God. God let’s us walk away in disobedience
to suffer consequences of our actions.
• Gods laws and commands are clear
boundaries and a great example to us

23. Boundary
• Border or limit
– Physical world
• Fence , hedge, property lines
– Spiritual world
• Just as important but less defined
• They define us
– What is me / not me ?
• They define responsibility
– What am I responsible for
– What are you responsible for

24. How God models boundaries
• Distinct, separate, and responsible for Himself
– Trinity is 3 distinct entities with their own distinct
responsibilities
• Communicates well
– Likes and dislikes
– What He will allow and won’t allow
– What he thinks…what His heart is
• Confronts sin and allows consequences for our
benefit (Hebrews 12:4)

25. Hebrews 12:4
My son, do not make light of the Lord’s
discipline nor lose heart when He rebukes
you, because the Lord disciplines those he
loves and punishes everyone he accepts as a
son. Endure hardship as discipline, God is
treating you as sons. For what son is not
disciplined by his earthly father ? If you are
not disciplined (and everyone undergoes
discipline), then you are illegitimate children
and not true sons.

26. Boundaries
Ephesians 2:10
For we are God’s workmanship, created in
Christ Jesus to do good works, which God
prepared in advance for us to do
• Boundaries allow us to better steward our life
and talents so that we can complete the
works he has prepared for us to do

27. The Importance of Boundaries and
Consequences as a Parent
• This concept is one of the most valuable
parenting tools we have to achieve our
utmost goal
– What is your goal, or Purpose in life ?
– Your purpose will determine
• The boundaries you set, if any…
• The consequences you enforce…

28. The Importance of Boundaries and
Consequences
• If your purpose is to Glorify God then
consistent with that purpose would be to:
– raise God fearing adults
– raise responsible adults
• Setting boundaries
– Defining Rules
– Defining Responsibilities
• Enforcing consequences if rules are broken and/ or if
responsibilities are not met

30. Why parents don’t set boundaries?
• People pleaser
– Want to be friend / liked by children
• Confused about what loving your child looks
like
– Trying to control them by giving in to their wishes
• Don’t trust God
– Fear God may not protect them
– Fear their prodigal is incapable of responsibility

31. The Big Picture :
How do we teach responsibility ?
• Setting boundaries
• Allowing our children to fail and
experience pain
• Enforcing consequences consistently
• Trusting God to work in you and your
child
– How can we expect our prodigal to trust God if we
don’t?

32. How to enforce consequences ?
• Understand fully their usefulness and purpose
through scripture
– Proverbs 19:18,19; Proverbs 29:15,17,19,21
– Hebrews 12:4
– Ezekial 33:1-10
• Community support
– Proverbs 15:22
• TRUST GOD WITH YOUR CHILD
– You can trust an unknown future to a known God