This document provides guidance on effective communication between parents and children. It emphasizes listening without judgment, praising specific positive behaviors, and using short, simple statements. Parents should listen for feelings beneath words, rephrase to show understanding, and avoid criticism. Praise should far outweigh corrections to build a child's self-worth and sense of how they are valued.

1. BRIGHT FUTURES TOOL FOR FAMILIES
Communicating with Children
Children develop a sense of their own self-worth and of how you feel about them from how you
communicate with them. This tool offers information and ideas that may help foster communica-
tion between you and your child.
LISTENING TO CHILDREN “I hear you saying
■ Listen with your feelings ________________________.”
and your eyes, not just “You seem to feel
your ears. Watch for and
____________________.”
respond to your child’s
Be aware that your pos-
attempts to communicate.
ture and tone of voice
■ Your child will often can affect how your
express himself indirect- child communicates
ly, especially when he is with you. You may need
experiencing strong to help your child put
emotions. His actions usually reflect feel- words to the feelings that he is express-
ings more effectively than words (e.g., he ing through body language or actions.
may slink away when ashamed or jump Pausing before immediately suggesting
up and down when proud). solutions or giving directives allows your
■ The best listening is silent listening. Keep child a chance to solve the problem on
your eyes on your child, and do not his own.
engage in other activities while you are ■ When listening to your child, try not to
listening. let your own emotions show to an extent
■ During early childhood, children often that may limit your child’s sense of
express themselves through stories about being free to express herself. Be nonjudg-
other people, imaginary friends, or ani- mental about your child’s expression of
mals who do things that the children feelings, even when limits for her actions
would like to do or are afraid of or feel are needed.
guilty about doing.
TALKING TO CHILDREN
■ If you sense that your child is feeling a
■ Keep praise, instructions, and corrections
certain emotion, she probably is. Ask her
short, simple, and specific, even for very
about it, or guess, and request feedback.
verbal children. This increases the
■ Rephrase what your child is saying to
chances that your child will get the mes-
reflect both its content and its feelings
sage rather than get distracted.
without adding your own interpretation.
(continued on next page)
Say something like,
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2. Communicating with Children (continued)
■ Give praise or thanks for small, specific ■ Praise your child for not misbehaving in
actions, rather than making generaliza- a way he might have considered (e.g., “I
tions that your child may not believe am proud of you for staying calm,”
(e.g., “You combed your hair so well!” “Thank you for not touching the plates
rather than, “You’re the best girl in the at the store.”).
world!”). ■ Avoid diminishing praise by adding a
■ Ask a follow-up question to show you are complaint or criticism to it (e.g., “Thanks
really interested. for cleaning up your room! Why don’t
■ Aim for praise to outnumber correction you do this every time I ask?”).
by 10 to 1. ■ Use statements that begin with “I” to
■ Provide comments to your child fre- show your own reaction and avoid being
quently to let him know you are think- discounted (e.g., “I really like the way
ing about him. you were sharing your crayons with your
sister.”).
■ Use plenty of nonverbal praise such as
touches, hugs, winks, pats, or stickers. ■ Share your own feelings both as a model
and to let your child know she is not the
■ Praise your child’s actions to other adults
cause of all your upsets.
when she can hear you to reinforce its
impact. ■ As your child gets older, work toward hav-
ing her assess her own performance (e.g.,
■ Correct your child in private when
“What do you think of your drawing?”).
possible, especially away from peers or
siblings.
Cite as: Howard BJ. 2002. Communicating with children. In Jellinek M, Patel BP, Froehle MC, eds., Bright Futures in Practice:
Mental Health—Volume II. Tool Kit. Arlington, VA: National Center for Education in Maternal and Child Health.
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