A graduation speech that offers worthy advice - confess! It's comedic, warm and insightful. It is over 1100 words

1. First, congratulations to this year’s college graduates.
At the end of your ceremony, you’ll leave a rigorous academic life. On one
hand you’ve stood strong balancing countless hours of dry reading, technical
papers and tricky exams. On the other, you’ve spent countless weekends
doing keg stands and courting virile freshmen.
Now I gather that many of you have prepared for the next chapter of your life.
You’ve considered your career aspirations, the city you’ll move to and the
lifestyle you’d like to leave.
And then there are those who “need more time”. You people will be dwelling in
your parent’s basement spending days playing Gears of War 3 on your Xbox
360. And when you do move, it’ll be to an assisted living facility.
However, I really can’t blame you. The world is a frightening place. Between
the unemployment rate, national deficit, global economic degradation and your
student loan payments, life will ensnare you in the predicament of pursuing
your dreams versus how to pay for your pursuit.
But, understand, there is a way out.
Many graduation speakers will tell you to find your passion, reach for the stars
and other drivel that is the solely a nitrous whippet of inspiration. The problem
with this advice is it doesn’t tell you how. So why try?
The hard truth is, to kick ass in this world, you must confess to what you want
in life. If you don’t, your life will be your own state-of-the-art living hell.
Consider this: confessions are cleansing endeavors. They will release you
from everyone else’s opinions and judgments, evaporate any self-doubt and
restore your sense of energy, focus, discipline and self-confidence.
I know this is a frightening proposition. It’s a high-risk decision that can lead to
being shunned, isolation and depression. Be that as it may, have the guts to
say screw it. Don't keep your dreams drowning at the bottom of a bong.
I believe that if you confess, you’ll be unstoppable. You’ll be more engaging
with others and passionate about what you do. On top of that, you’ll make
millions of dollars and stick it to you’re frenemies.
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2. If you think a career counselor can help you find a your path, forget it. Yes,
you’ll be battered by tests highlighting your skills, optimal working conditions
and career options. But who wants to learn child-care is up your alley when
they want to be a pipe fitter.
Personally, if I were your advisor, you’d know everything in five minutes. My
process is restraining your wrists with a zip tie and water boarding you until
you scream Senator or Drag Queen. I mean why wait for a mid-life crisis when
you can have one right now?
Yet, I recognize you may not be ready to confess your professional taboos.
Instead, you’d rather hide working in the family business.
Now there’s absolutely nothing wrong with working for Pops. Just don’t be
offended when he tells you to eat your vegetables during business dinners.
Take it from me. I spent too many years in failed business careers before I
confessed to being a writer. Once I did, I could see myself freelancing for
prominent newspapers and glossy magazines while meeting famous writers.
With that vision, I was energized and I still am. For hours at a time, I wrote
everyday until I had enough pieces for a portfolio. And before I knew it, I was a
Correspondent Journalist and a Columnist.
I’m not saying it was all malt balls with bosco chasers. There were plenty of
tears, deep depressions and sleepless nights. Thankfully, it was nothing Eli
Lilly couldn’t cure.
Look, for all the terror of a confession may be, do realize one important aspect
about it. Once you do admit what you want, you yourself just might be the only
inspiration you’ll ever need.
Good luck to you and, once again, congratulations.
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