Communicate More Cooperatively

from: to:

The Seven Challenges
A Workbook and Reader
About Communicating More Cooperatively
(as featured on www.newconversations.net)
_____________________________________________________

a structured, intensive exploration
of seven challenging skills
for a lifetime of better communication
in work, family, friendship & community
—————————————————————————————————————
Dennis Rivers, M.A.
—————————————————————————————————————

human development books
Santa Barbara, California, USA
www.hudevbooks.com

Third Edition, May, 2004 -- Revised August, 2005

visit Obama-OMama.blogspot.com
for more eBooks and materials

Dedicated to St. Francis of Assisi
and those like him in every faith.
Where there is a clash of wills
may we bring a meeting of hearts.

YOUR RIGHT TO MAKE COPIES OF THIS WORKBOOK:

You have permission to make an unlimited number of copies of this workbook
for use in your school, business, public agency, church, synagogue, mosque, temple,
and/or community service organization as follows: This document is copyright 2004
by Dennis Rivers, except where otherwise noted or where excerpts from scholarly
works have been cited in accordance with the fair use doctrine. Permission is granted
for the reproduction and distribution of single or multiple copies of this workbook or
portions thereof for educational purposes by any individual and/or within any
organization, but not for sale to the general public, provided that this copyright and
contributions page is included in each full copy, and the copied material is distributed
free of charge or the student or other purchaser is not charged more than US $16.00
for the entire workbook or US $0.16 for each page of copied material. Please note
individually reproduced pages as “Copyright 2004 by Dennis Rivers. Reproduced
with author’s permission.” May all your efforts to create more cooperative families,
workplaces and communities be blessed with success. (This workbook is available as
a series of free web pages, and in other formats also, IN ENGLISH AND SPANISH
at www.NewConversations.net.)
__________________________________________________________________________

CONTRIBUTIONS GRATEFULLY RECEIVED

Thanks for all the many sustaining gifts
of wisdom, labor, love and money
that have made this workbook possible.
The author of this workbook, Dennis Rivers, gratefully accepts gifts of any
amount in support the continuing development and distribution of this workbook and
related teaching materials free of charge on our web site, www.newconversations.net.
Every supporting gift makes a big difference. A ten-dollar gift, for example, can
fund the free distribution of approximately one thousand copies of this workbook,
often to schools and community service organizations that would not otherwise be
able to provide such material to their students/participants.
Please make your check or money order payable to Dennis Rivers and mail it to
the address shown below. Thank you helping to make this workbook a global
resource for better interpersonal communication. (Please note that gifts to authors in support
of their work are not tax deductible.)

Dennis Rivers
Human Development Books
133 East De la Guerra St., #PMB 420
Santa Barbara, CA 93101
USA
__________________________________________________________________________

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from: to:

The Seven Challenges
A Workbook and Reader About Communicating More Cooperatively

TABLE OF CONTENTS
Page

INTRODUCTION HOW THIS WORKBOOK CAME TO BE, MY QUEST Intro-1
AND FOR THE SEVEN CHALLENGES, AND HOW WE
OVERVIEW BENEFIT FROM A MORE COOPERATIVE STYLE OF
LISTENING AND TALKING

CHALLENGE LISTENING MORE CAREFULLY AND RESPONSIVELY 1-1
ONE
Exercise 1-1: Active Listening.
1-7
Exercise 1-2: Learning from the past with the
tools of the present. 1-8

CHALLENGE EXPLAINING YOUR CONVERSATIONAL INTENT 2-1
TWO AND INVITING CONSENT

Exercise 2-1: Explaining the kind of conversation 2-4
you want to have.

Exercise 2-2: Exploring conversational 2-6
intentions that create problems.

CHALLENGE EXPRESSING YOURSELF MORE CLEARLY AND 3-1
THREE COMPLETELY

Exercise: Exploring the Five Messages. 3-4

Reading 3-1: Saying What’s In Our Hearts 3-8

Reading 3-2: Peer Counseling With the Five 3-11
Messages

CHALLENGE TRANSLATING COMPLAINTS AND CRITICISMS 4-1
FOUR INTO REQUESTS

Exercise 4-1: Working on your life situations. 4-3

Reading + Exercise 4-2: Letting Go of Fear 4-4
by David Richo, PhD

Reading + Exercise 4-3: Trying Out The 4-11
Cooperative Communication Skills Emergency Kit

Page

CHALLENGE ASKING QUESTIONS MORE “OPEN-ENDEDLY”
FIVE AND MORE CREATIVELY

Part 1: Asking questions more “open-endedly.” 5-1

Exercise 5-1: Using questions to reach out. 5-2

Exercise 5-2: Translating “yes-no” questions. 5-3

Part 2: Asking questions more creatively. 5-4

Exercise 5-3: Expanding your tool kit of creative 5-6
questions.

Reading 5-1: Radical Questions for Critical 5-9
Times, by Sam Keen, PhD

CHALLENGE EXPRESSING MORE APPRECIATION 6-1
SIX
Research on the power of appreciation and 6-1
gratefulness

Exploring the personal side of gratefulness 6-2

Exercise 6-1: Events to be grateful for 6-4

Exploring Three-Part Appreciations 6-6

Exercise 6-2: Expressing appreciation in three 6-9
parts

CHALLENGE FOCUS ON LEARNING: MAKE RESPONDING TO THE FIRST 7-1
SEVEN SIX CHALLENGES AN IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR
EVERYDAY LIVING
Exercise: A homework assignment for the rest of 7-2
our lives.
Perspectives on the power of communication: 7-5
Reading 7-1: Keep on Singing Michael 7-5
Reading 7-2: Guy Louis Gabaldon – a 7-6
compassionate warrior saves the lives of a
thousand people
Reading 7-3: What Kind of Person am I 7-8
Becoming? What Kind of People are We
Becoming Together? By Dennis Rivers

APPENDIX Suggestions for further study: Great books on A1-1
ONE interpersonal communication

APPENDIX Suggestions for starting a cooperative A2-1
TWO communication skills peer support group

APPENDIX Ordering printed copies of this workbook, A3-1
THREE permission to make copies, invitations to
participate, acknowledgements and gifts

Intro-
Page Intro-1

Introduction and Overview
HOW THIS WORKBOOK CAME TO BE, MY QUEST FOR THE SEVEN CHALLENGES,
AND HOW WE BENEFIT FROM A MORE COOPERATIVE
STYLE OF LISTENING AND TALKING
(for a free, Spanish-language e-book edition of this workbook, please visit www.NewConversations.net.)

Searching for what is most important. workbook has been known for decades, but that
This workbook proposes seven ways to guide does not mean that everyone has been able to
your conversations in directions that are more benefit from it. This workbook is my
satisfying for both you and your conversation contribution toward closing that gap.
partners. I have selected these suggestions from
How we benefit from learning and using a
the work of a wide range of communication
teachers, therapists and researchers in many more cooperative style. I have selected for this
fields. While these seven skills are not all a workbook the seven most powerful, rewarding
person needs to know about talking, listening and challenging steps I have discovered in my
and resolving conflicts, I believe they are a large own struggle to connect with people and heal
and worthwhile chunk of it, and a great place to the divisions in my family. None of this came
begin. naturally to me, as I come from a family that
includes people who did not talk to one another
The interpersonal communication field for decades at a time. The effort is bringing me
suffers from a kind of “embarrassment of some of each of the good results listed below
riches.” There is so much good advice out there (and I am still learning). These are the kinds of
that I doubt than any one human being could benefits that are waiting to be awakened by the
ever follow it all. To cite just one example of magic wand… of your study and practice.
many, in the early 1990s communication coach
Get more done, have more fun, which could
Kare Anderson wrote a delightful book1 about
also be stated as better coordination of your life
negotiation that included one hundred specific
activities with the life activities of the people
ways to get more of what you want. The
who are important to you. Living and working
problem is that no one I know can carry on a
with others are communication-intensive
conversation and juggle one hundred pieces of
activities. The better we understand what other
advice in his or her mind at the same time.
people are feeling and wanting, and the more
So lurking behind all that good advice is the clearly others understand our goals and feelings,
issue of priorities: What is most important to the easier it will be to make sure that everyone is
focus on? What kinds of actions will have the pulling in the same direction.
most positive effects on people’s lives? This More respect. Since there is a lot of mutual
workbook is my effort to answer those imitation in everyday communication (I raise my
questions. My goal is to summarize what many voice, you raise your voice, etc.), when we adopt
agree are the most important principles of good a more compassionate and respectful attitude
interpersonal communication, and to describe toward our conversation partners, we invite and
these principles in ways that make them easier influence them to do the same toward us.
to remember, easier to adopt and easier to weave
together. Much of the information in this More influence. When we practice the
combination of responsible honesty and
1 attentiveness recommended here, we are more
Kare Anderson, Getting What You Want. New
York: Dutton. 1993. likely to engage other people and reach
The Seven Challenges Workbook may be reproduced for personal and intra-organizational use. Free e-book copies: www.newconversations.net/workbook Order printed copies at www.newconversations.net/orderbook

Page Intro-2 -- The SEVEN CHALLENGES Workbook -- Introduction
Intro-

agreements that everyone can live with, we are study that point to supportive relationships as a
more likely to get what we want, and for reasons key factor in helping people survive life-
we won’t regret later.2 threatening illnesses. To the degree that we use
cooperative communication skills to both give
More comfortable with conflict. Because
and receive more emotional support, we will
each person has different talents, there is much
greatly enhance our chances of living longer and
to be gained by people working together, and
healthier lives.
accomplishing together what none could do
alone. But because each person also has
different needs and views, there will always be
some conflict in living and working with others.
By understanding more of what goes on in
conversations, we can become better team
problem solvers and conflict navigators.
Learning to listen to others more deeply can
increase our confidence that we will be able to
engage in a dialogue of genuine give and take,
and be able to help generate problem solutions
that meet more of everyone’s needs.
Respecting the mountain we are about to
More peace of mind. Because every action climb together: why learning to talk and
we take toward others reverberates for months listen in new ways is challenging. I hope
(or years) inside our own minds and bodies, putting these suggestions into practice will
adopting a more peaceful and creative attitude in surprise you with delightful and heartfelt
our interaction with others can be a significant conversations you never imagined were
way of lowering our own stress levels. Even in possible, just as I was surprised. And at the
unpleasant situations, we can feel good about same time, I do not want to imply that learning
our own skillful responses. new communication skills is easy.
More satisfying closeness with others. I wish the skills I describe in this workbook
Learning to communicate better will get us could be presented as “Seven Easy Ways to
involved with exploring two big questions: Communicate Better.” But in reality, the
“What’s going on inside of me?” and “What’s recommendations that survived my sifting and
going on inside of you?” Modern life is so full ranking demand a lot of effort. Out of respect
of distractions and entertainments that many for you, I feel the need to tell you that making
people don’t know their own hearts very well, big, positive changes in the way you
nor the hearts of others nearby. Exercises in communicate with others will probably be one
listening can help us listen more carefully and of the most satisfying and most difficult tasks
reassure our conversation partners that we really you will ever take on, akin to climbing Mt.
do understand what they are going through. Everest. If I misled you into assuming these
Exercises in self-expression can help us ask for changes were easy to make, you would be
what we want more clearly and calmly. vulnerable to becoming discouraged by the first
A healthier life. In his book, Love and steep slope. Fore-warned of the amount of
Survival,3 Dr. Dean Ornish cites study after effort involved, you can plan for the long climb.
My deepest hope is that if you understand the

2 3
Thanks to communication skills teacher Dean Ornish, MD, Love and Survival. New York:
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg for this pithy saying. HarperCollins. 1998. Chap. 2.
This workbook may be reproduced for personal, school and intra-organizational use. Free e-book copies available at www.newconversations.net/workbook/ Order printed copies at www.newconversations.net/orderbook/

The SEVEN CHALLENGES Workbook -- Introduction -- Page Intro-3
Intro-

following four reasons why learning new skillful and less clumsy, more understanding of
communication skills is challenging, that under- others and less threatened by them. Changes as
standing will help you to be more patient and significant as these happen over months and
more forgiving with yourself and others. years rather than in a single weekend.
A third side of the communications mountain
First of all, learning better communication
concerns self-observation. In the course of
skills requires a lot of effort because cooperation
living our attention is generally pointed out
between people is a much more complex and
mentally demanding process than coercing, toward other people and the world around us.
As we talk and joke, comfort others and
threatening or just grabbing what you want. The
negotiate with them, we are often lost in the
needs of two people (or many) are involved
flow of interaction.
rather than just the needs of one. And thinking
Communicating more
about the wants of two people (and how those
wants might overlap) is a giant step beyond cooperatively involves
simply feeling one’s own wants.4 exerting a gentle
influence to guide
The journey from fighting over the rubber conversations toward
ducky to learning how to share it is the longest happier endings for all
journey a child will ever make, a journey that the participants. But in
leads far beyond childhood. Reaching this order to guide or steer
higher level of skill and fulfillment in living and an unfolding process, a
working with others requires effort, conscious person needs to be able
attention, and practice with other people. to observe that process.
A second reason that learning more effective So communicating
and satisfying communication skills does not more cooperatively and
happen automatically is that our way of more satisfyingly
communicating with others is deeply woven into requires that we learn
our personalities, into the history of our hearts. how to participate in our conversations and
For example, if, when I was little, someone observe them at the very same time! It takes a
slapped me across the face or yelled at me every while to grow into this participating and
time I spoke up and expressed a want or observing at the same time. At first we look
opinion, then I probably would have developed back on conversations that we have had and try
a very sensible aversion to talking about what I to understand what went well and what went
was thinking or feeling. It may be true that no badly. Gradually we can learn to bring that
one is going to hit me now, but a lot of my brain observing awareness into our conversations.
cells may not know that yet. So learning new
ways of communicating gets us involved in
learning new ways of feeling in and feeling A final reason (four is surely enough) that
about all our relationships with people. We can learning new communication skills takes effort
become more confident and less fearful, more is that we are surrounded by a flood of bad
examples. Every day movies and TV offer us a
4
I am grateful to the books of developmental continuing stream of vivid images of sarcasm,
psychologist Robert Kegan, The Evolving Self and In fighting, cruelty, fear and mayhem. And as beer
Over Our Heads: The Mental Demands of Modern Life, and cigarette advertisers have proven beyond a
(both Harvard Univ. Press) for introducing me to the idea
that cooperation is more mentally demanding than
shadow of a doubt, you can get millions of
coercion. After that idea, nothing in human communi- people to do something if you just show enough
cation looked the same. vivid pictures of folks already doing it. So at

Intro-

some very deep level we are being educated by to evoke from other people. The Seven
the mass media to fail in our relationships.5 For Challenges are also examples of another saying
every movie about people making peace with of Gandhi’s: “the means are the ends.”
one another, there seem to be a hundred movies Communicating more awarely and
about people hacking each other to death with compassionately can be satisfying ends in
chainsaws or literally kicking one another in the themselves, both emotion-ally and spiritually.
face, which are not actions that will help you or They also build happier families and more
me solve problems at home or at the office. successful businesses.
Learning to relate to others generally involves
following examples, but our examples of A brief summary of each challenge is
interpersonal skill and compassion are few and given in the paragraphs that follow, along
far between. with some of the lifelong issues of personal
development that are woven through each one.
These are the reasons that have led me to see In Chapters One through Seven you will find
learning new communication skills as a expanded descriptions of each one, with
demanding endeavor. My hope is that you will discussions, examples, exercises and readings to
look at improving your communication skills as help you explore each suggestion in action.
a long journey, like crossing a mountain range,
so that you will feel more like putting effort and Challenge 1. Listen more carefully and
attention into the process, and thus will get more responsively. Listen first and acknowledge what
out of it. Living a fully human life is you hear, even if you don’t agree with it, before
surprisingly similar to playing baseball or expressing your experience or point of view. In
playing the violin. Getting better at each order to get more of your conversation partner’s
requires continual practice. You probably attention in tense situations, pay attention first:
already accept this principle in relation to many listen and give a brief restatement of what you
human activities. I hope this workbook will have heard (especially feelings) before you
encourage and support you in applying it to your express your own needs or position. The kind
own talking, listening and asking questions. of listening recommended here separates
acknowledging from approving or agreeing.
Acknowledging another person’s thoughts and
Seven ways of being the change you want feelings does not have to mean that you
to see. Because conversations are a bringing approve of or agree with that person’s actions
together of both persons’ contributions, when or way of experiencing, or that you will do
you initiate a positive change in your way of whatever someone asks.
talking and listening, you can single-handedly
begin to change the quality of all your Some of the deeper levels of this first step
conversations. The actions described in this include learning to listen to your own heart, and
work-book are seven examples of “being the learning to encounter identities and integrities
change you want to see” (a saying I recently saw quite different from your own, while still
attributed to Mahatma Gandhi, the great teacher remaining centered in your own sense of self.
of nonviolence).
Challenge 2. Explain your conversational
While this may sound very idealistic and intent and invite consent. In order to help your
self-sacrificing, you can also under-stand it as a conversation partner cooperate with you and to
practical principle: model the behavior you want reduce possible misunderstandings, start
important conversations by inviting your
5
For an extended examination of this issue, see conversation partner to join you in the specific
Sissela Bok, Mayhem: Violence as Public Entertainment.
kind of conversation you want to have. The
Reading, MA: Addison-Wesley. 1998.

Intro-

more the conversation is going to mean to you, those feelings?
the more important it is for your conversation
partner to understand the big picture. Many 4. What action, ...and I want to ask
successful communicators begin special information or you to help me do
conversations with a preface that goes commitment you the dishes right
something like: “I would like to talk with you want to request now...
for a few minutes about [subject matter]. When now?
would be a good time?” The exercise for this
step will encourage you to expand your list of 5. What positive ...so that dinner
possible conversations and to practice starting a results will will be ready by
wide variety of them. receiving that the time Mike and
action, information Joe get here."
Some deeper levels of this second step or commitment lead
include learning to be more aware of and honest to in the future?
about your intentions, gradually giving up
intentions to injure, demean or punish, and
learning to treat other people as consenting Anytime one person sincerely listens to
equals whose participation in conversation with another, a very creative process is going on in
us is a gift and not an obligation which the listener mentally reconstructs the
speaker’s experience. The more facets or
Challenge 3. Express yourself more clearly dimensions of your experience you share with
and completely. Slow down and give your easy-to-grasp “I statements,” the easier it will be
listeners more information about what you are for your conversation partner to reconstruct your
experiencing by using a wide range of “I- experience accurately and understand what you
statements.” One way to help get more of your are feeling. This is equally worthwhile whether
listener’s empathy is to express more of the five you are trying to solve a problem with someone
basic dimensions of your experience: Here is or trying to express appreciation for them.
an example using the five main “I-messages” Expressing yourself this carefully might appear
identified by various researchers over the past to take longer than your usual quick style of
half century: (Please read down the columns.) communication. But if you include all the time
it takes to unscramble everyday
misunderstandings, and to work through the
The Five II-Messages =
- Example of a feelings that usually accompany not being
Five dimensions "Five II-Message"
-
understood, expressing yourself more com-
of experience communication
pletely can actually take a lot less time.
1. What are you "When I saw the Some deeper levels of this third step include
seeing, hearing or dishes in the sink... developing the courage to tell the truth, growing
otherwise sensing?.
beyond blame in under-standing painful
experiences, and learning to make friends with
2. What emotions are ...I felt irritated and
feelings, your own and other people’s, too.
you feeling? impatient...
Challenge 4. Translate your (and other
3. What interpreta- ...because I want to people’s) complaints and criticisms into specific
tions or wants of start cooking requests, and explain your requests. In order to
yours that support dinner right away... get more cooperation from others, whenever
those feelings?

Intro-

possible ask for what you want by using rather than “why” questions about the past, but
specific, action-oriented, positive language there are many more creative possibilities as
rather than by using generalizations, “why’s,” well. Of the billions of questions we might ask,
“don’ts” or “somebody should’s.” Help your not all are equally fruitful or illuminating; not
listeners comply by explaining your requests all are equally helpful in solving problems
with a “so that...”, “it would help me to... if you together. In the second part of Challenge Five
would...” or “in order to... .” Also, when you we explore asking powerfully creative questions
are receiving criticism and complaints from from many areas of life.
others, translate and restate the complaints as
action requests. ....”). Deeper levels of this fifth step include
developing the courage to hear the answers to
Some of the deeper levels of this fourth step our questions, to face the truth of what other
include developing a strong enough sense of people are feeling. Also, learning to be
self-esteem that you can accept being turned comfortable with the process of looking at a
down, and learning how to imagine creative situation from different perspectives, and
solutions to problems, solutions in which learning to accept that people often have needs,
everyone gets at least some of their needs met. views and tastes different from your own (I am
not a bad person if you love eggplant and I
Challenge 5. Ask questions more “open- can’t stand it).
endedly” and more creatively. “Open-
endedly...”: In order to coordinate our life and Challenge 6. Express more appreciation.
work with the lives and work of other people, To build more satisfying relationships with the
we all need to know more of what other people people around you, express more appreciation,
are feeling and thinking, wanting and planning. delight, affirmation, encouragement and
But our usual “yes/no” questions actually tend to gratitude. Because life continually requires us
shut people up rather than opening them up. In to attend to problems and breakdowns, it gets
order to encourage your conversation partners to very easy to see in life only what is broken and
share more of their thoughts and feelings, ask needs fixing. But satisfying relationships (and a
“open-ended” rather than “yes/no” questions. happy life) require us to notice and respond to
Open-ended questions allow for a wide range of what is delightful, excellent, enjoyable, to work
responses. For example, asking “How did you well done, to food well cooked, etc. It is
like that food/movie /speech/doctor/etc.?” will appreciation that makes a relationship strong
evoke a more detailed response than “Did you enough to accommodate differences and
like it?” (which could be answered with a disagreements. Thinkers and researchers in
simple “yes” or “no”). In the first part of several different fields have reached similar
Challenge Five we explore asking a wide range conclusions about this: healthy relationships
of open-ended questions. need a core of mutual appreciation.

“and more creatively...” When we ask One deeper level of this sixth step is in how
questions we are using a powerful language tool you might shift your overall level of
to focus conversational attention and guide our appreciation and gratitude, toward other people,
interaction with others. But many of the toward nature, and toward life and/or a “Higher
questions we have learned to ask are totally Power.”
fruitless and self-defeating (such as, parents to a
pregnant teen, “Why???!!! Why have you done Challenge 7. Make better communication an
this to us???!!!”). In general it will be more important part of your everyday life. In order to
fruitful to ask “how” questions about the future have your new communication skills available


Intro-

in a wide variety of situations, you will need to and learning how to create little islands of
practice them in as wide a variety of situations cooperation and mutuality.
as possible, until, like driving or bicycling, they
become “second nature.” The Seventh Conclusion. I hope the information and
Challenge is to practice your evolving exercises in this workbook will help you
communication skills in everyday life, solving discover that listening and talking more
problems together, giving emotional support to consciously and cooperatively can be fun and
the important people in your life, and enjoying rewarding. Just as guitar playing and basketball
how you are becoming a positive influence in take great effort and bring great satisfaction, so
your world. This challenge includes learning to does communicating more skillfully.
see each conversation as an opportunity to grow
in skill and awareness, each encounter as an
opportunity to express more appreciation, each Dennis Rivers
argument as an opportunity to translate your
complaints into requests, and so on. Third Edition
May, 2004
One deeper level of this seventh step
concerns learning to separate yourself from the
current culture of violence, insult and injury,


Intro-

Introduction exercise. Before you continue reading, take some time and write down the ways in
which you would like to improve your communication and interaction with others. For example,
what are some situations you would like to change with new communication skills?


1-
Page 1-1

Challenge One
LISTENING MORE CAREFULLY AND RESPONSIVELY

SUMMARY(repeated from Introduction) Listen worthwhile as a way of letting people know that
first and acknowledge what you hear, even if you care about them. Our conversation partners
you don’t agree with it, before expressing your do not automatically know how well we have
experience or point of view. In order to get understood them, and they may not be very good
more of your conversation partner’s attention in at asking for confirmation. When a
tense situations, pay attention first: listen and conversation is tense or difficult it is even more
give a brief restatement of what you have heard important to listen first and acknowledge what
(especially feelings) before you express your you hear. Otherwise, your chances of being
own needs or position. The kind of listening heard by the other person may be very poor.
recommended here separates acknowledging Listening to others helps others to listen.
from approving or agreeing.6 Acknowledging In learning to better coordinate our life activities
an-other person’s thoughts and feelings does with the life activities of others, we would do
not have to mean that you approve of or agree well to resist two very popular (but terrible)
with that person’s actions or way of models of communication: arguing a case in
experiencing, or that you will do whatever court and debating.7 In courts and debates, each
someone asks. side tries to make its own points and listens to
the other side only to tear down the other side’s
points. Since the debaters and attorneys rarely
have to reach agreement or get anything done
together, it doesn’t seem to matter how much ill
will their conversational style generates. But
most of us are in a very different situation. We
probably spend most of our lives trying to
arrange agreement and cooperative action, so we
need to be concerned about engaging people, not
defeating them. In business (and in family life,
Challenge One -- Listening too) the person we defeat today will probably be
the person whose cooperation we need
By listening and then repeating back in your tomorrow! 8
own words the essence and feeling of what you
have just heard, from the speaker’s point of When people are upset about something and
view, you allow the speaker to feel the want to talk about it, their capacity to listen is
satisfaction of being under-stood, (a major greatly diminished. Trying to get your point
human need). Listening responsively is always across to a person who is trying to express a

6 7
While at least some people have probably been For a sobering and inspiring book on this issue, see
listening in this compassionate way over the centuries, it Deborah Tannen, The Argument Culture: Moving From
was the late psychologist Carl Rogers who, perhaps more Debate to Dialogue. New York: Random House. 1998.
8
than any other person, advocated and championed this The now classic work on cooperative negotiation,
accepting way of being with another person. For a that includes a strong emphasis on empathic listening, is
summary of his work see, On Becoming a Person: A Getting to Yes: Negotiating Agreement Without Giving In
Therapist’s View of Psychotherapy. Boston: Houghton (2nd ed.) by Roger Fisher, William Ury and Bruce
Mifflin. 1995. Patton. New York: Penguin Books. 1991.

2 -- Challenge One: Listening More Carefully & Responsively

strong feeling will usually cause the other • still leaves you with the option of
person to try even harder to get that emotion saying yes or no to a request.
recognized. On the other hand, once people feel • still leaves you with the option of
that their messages and feelings have been saying more about the matter
heard, they start to relax and they have more being discussed.
attention available for listening. As Marshall
Rosenberg reports in his book, Nonviolent One recurring problem in conflict situations
Communication, “Studies in labor-management is that many people don’t separate
negotiations demonstrate that the time required acknowledging from agreeing. They are joined
to reach conflict resolution is cut in half when together in people’s minds, somewhat like a
each negotiator agrees, before responding, to two-boxes-of-soap “package deal” in a
repeat what the previous speaker had said.”9 (my supermarket. The effect of this is, let us say,
emphasis) that John feels that any acknowledgment of
Fred’s experience implies agreement and
For example, in a hospital a nurse might say, approval, therefore John will not acknowledge
after listening to a patient: any of Fred’s experience. Fred tries harder to be
“I hear that you are very uncomfortable right heard and John tries harder not to hear. Of
now, Susan, and you would really like to get course, this is a recipe for stalemate (if not
out of that bed and move around. But your disaster).
doctor says your bones won’t heal unless you People want both: to be understood and
stay put for another week.” acknowledged on the one hand, and to be
The patient in this example is much more likely approved and agreed with, on the other. With
to listen to the nurse than if the nurse simply practice, you can learn to respond first with a
said: simple acknowledgment. As you do this, you
may find that, figuratively speaking, you can
“I’m really sorry, Susan, but you have to stay
give your conversation partners half of what
in bed. Your doctor says your bones won’t
heal unless you stay put for another week.” they want, even if you can’t give them all of
what they want. In many conflict situations that
What is missing in this second version is any will be a giant step forward. Your conversation
acknowledgment of the patient’s present partners will also be more likely to acknowledge
experience. your position and experience, even if they don’t
The power of simple acknowledging. The sympathize with you. This mutual
practice of responsive listening described here acknowledgment can create an emotional
separates acknowledging the thoughts and atmosphere in which it is easier to work toward
feelings that a person expresses from approving, agreement or more gracefully accommodate
agreeing, advising, or persuading. disagreements. Here are three examples of
Acknowledging another person’s thoughts and acknowledgments that do not imply agreement:
feelings...
Counselor to a drug abuse client: “I
• still leaves you the option of hear that you are feeling terrible
agreeing or disagreeing with that right now and that you really want
person’s point of view, actions or some drugs. And I want you to
way of experiencing. know that I’m still concerned this
stuff you’re taking is going to kill
9
Marshall B. Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication: you.”
A Language of Compassion. Del Mar, CA: PuddleDancer
Press. 1999.

Challenge One: Listening More Carefully & Responsively -- Page 1-3

Mother to seven-year-old: “I know want or feeling that appears to be at the heart of
that you want some more cake and the experience. For example:
ice cream, Jimmy, because it tastes
so good, but you’ve already had “So you were really happy about that...”
three pieces and I’m really worried
that you’ll get an upset tummy. “So you drove all the way over there
That’s why I don’t want you to have and they didn’t have the part they
any more.” promised you on the phone. What a let-
down...
Union representative to company “Sounds like you wanted a big change
owner’s representative: “I under- in that situation...”
stand from your presentation that
you see XYZ Company as short of “Oh, no! Your dog got run over. You
cash, threatened by foreign must be feeling really terrible...”
competition, and not in a position to The point here is to empathize, not to
agree to any wage increases. Now I advise. If you added to that last statement,
would like us to explore contract “That total SLOB!!! You should sue that
arrangements that would allow my person who ran over your dog. People need
union members to get a wage to pay for their mistakes, etc., etc., etc.”, you
increase and XYZ Company to would be taking over the conversation and also
advance its organizational goals.” leading the person away from her or his feelings
and toward your own.
In each case a person’s listening to and
acknowledgment of his or her conversation Other suggestions about listening more
partner’s experience or position increases the responsively:
chance that the conversation partner will be As a general rule, do not just repeat
willing to listen in turn. The examples given another person’s exact words. Summarize their
above are all a bit experience in your own words. But in cases
long and include a where people actually scream or shout
declaration of the something, sometimes you may want to repeat a
listener’s position or few of their exact words in a quiet tone of voice
decision. In many to let them know that you have heard it just as
conversations you they said it.
may simply want to If the emotion is unclear, make a tentative
reassure your guess, as in “So it sounds like maybe you were
conversation partner a little unhappy about all that...” The speaker
with a word or two will usually correct your guess if it needs
that you have heard correcting.
and understood
whatever they are experiencing. For example, Listening is an art and there are very few
saying, “You sound really happy [or sad] about fixed rules. Pay attention to whether the person
that,” etc. speaking accepts your summary by saying things
such as “yeah!”, “you got it,” “that’s right,” and
As you listen to the important people in your similar responses.
life, give very brief summaries of the
experiences they are talking about and name the If you can identify with what the other
person is experiencing, then in your tone of


voice (as you summarize what another person is the plane and Daddy can’t get him until we get
going through), express a little of the feeling off the plane. I’m sorry.”
that your conversation partner is expressing. “I want Zebra! I want Zebra!” she moaned
(Emotionally flat summaries can feel strange again. Then she started to cry, twisting in her
and distant.) safety seat and reaching futilely toward a bag on
Such compassionate listening is a powerful the floor where she’d seen me go for snacks.
resource for navigating through life, and it also “I know you want Zebra,” I said, feeling
makes significant demands on us as listeners. my blood pressure rise. “But he’s not in that
We may need to learn how to hold our own bag. He’s not here and I can’t do anything about
ground while we restate someone else’s it. Look, why don’t we read about Ernie,” I
position. That takes practice. We also have to said, fumbling for one of her favorite picture
be able to listen to people’s criticisms or books.
complaints without becoming disoriented or “Not Ernie!” she wailed, angry now. “I
totally losing our sense of self worth. That want Zebra. I want him NOW!”
requires cultivating a deeper sense of self worth,
which is no small project. In spite of these By now, I was getting “do something”
difficulties, the results of compassion-ate, looks from the passengers, from the airline
responsive listening have been so rewarding in attendants, from my wife, seated across the
my life that I have found it to be worth all the aisle. I looked at Moriah’s face, red with anger,
effort required. and imagined how frustrated she must feel.
After all, wasn’t I the guy who could whip up a
Real life examples. Here are two brief, true peanut butter sandwich on demand? Make huge
stories about listening. The first is about purple dinosaurs appear with the flip of a TV
listening going well and the second is about the switch? Why was I withholding her favorite toy
heavy price people sometimes pay for not from her? Didn’t I understand how much she
listening in an empathic way. wanted it?
I felt bad. Then it dawned on me: I
John Gottman describes his discovery that couldn’t get Zebra, but I could offer her the next
listening really works: “I remember the day I best thing -- a father’s comfort. “You wish you
first discovered how Emotion Coaching [the had Zebra now,” I said to her. “Yeah,” she said
author’s approach to empathic listening] might sadly.
work with my own daughter, Moriah. She was “And you’re angry because we can’t get
two at the time and we were on a cross-country him for you.”
flight home after visiting with relatives. Bored,
tired, and cranky, Moriah asked me for Zebra, “Yeah.”
her favorite stuffed animal and comfort object. “You wish you could have Zebra right
Unfortunately, we had absentmindedly packed now,” I repeated, as she stared at me, looking
the well-worn critter in a suitcase that was rather curious, almost surprised. “Yeah,” she
checked at the baggage counter. muttered. “I want him now.”
“I’m sorry, honey, but we can’t get Zebra “You’re tired now, and smelling Zebra and
right now. He’s in the big suitcase in another cuddling with him would feel real good. I wish
part of the airplane,” I explained. “I want we had Zebra here so you could hold him. Even
Zebra,” she whined pitifully. better, I wish we could get out of these seats and
“I know, sweetheart. But Zebra isn’t here. find a big, soft bed full of all your animals and
He’s in the baggage compartment underneath pillows where we could just lie down.” “Yeah,”
she agreed.


“We can’t get Zebra because he’s in much. Maybe I could even quit my job and be a
another part of the airplane,” I said. “That full-time mother for a few years.’
makes you feel frustrated.” “Yeah,” she said ‘Maybe . . .’ To each maybe I answered:
with a sigh. ‘Be realistic. Neither of us is willing to make
“I’m so sorry,” I said, watching the tension the sacrifices to raise a child.’ She allowed
leave her face. She rested her head against the herself to be convinced, silenced the voice of
back of her safety seat. She continued to her irrational hopes and dreams, and terminated
complain softly a few more times, but she was the pregnancy.
growing calmer. Within a few minutes, she was “It has been many years now since our
asleep. ‘decision,’ and we are still together and busy
Although Moriah was just two years old, with our careers and our relationship. Still no
she clearly knew what she wanted -- her Zebra. children, even though we have recently been
Once she began to realize that getting it wasn’t trying to get pregnant. I can’t help noticing that
possible, she wasn’t interested in my excuses, she suffers from spells of regret and guilt, and a
my arguments, or my diversions. My validation, certain mood of sadness settles over her. At
however, was another matter. Finding out that I times I know she longs for her missing child and
understood how she felt seemed to make her imagines what he or she would be doing now. I
feel better. For me, it was a memorable reassure her that we did the right thing. But
testament to the power of empathy.”10 when I see her lingering guilt and pain and her
worry that she missed her one chance to become
a mother, I feel that I failed an important test of
Sam Keen describes a friend’s lament love. Because my mind had been closed to
about the consequences of not listening anything that would interrupt my plans for the
deeply: “Long ago and far away, I expected future, I had listened to her without deep
love to be light and easy and without failure. empathy or compassion. I’m no longer sure we
“Before we moved in together, we nego- made the right decision. I am sure that in
tiated a prenuptial agreement. Neither of us had refusing to enter into her agony, to share the
been married before, and we were both involved pain of her ambivalence, I betrayed her.
in our separate careers. So our agreement not to “I have asked for and, I think, received
have children suited us both. Until... on the forgiveness, but there remains a scar that was
night she announced that her period was late and caused by my insensitivity and self-
she was probably pregnant, we both treated the absorption.”11
matter as an embarrassing accident with which
[Workbook editor’s note: I have not included
we would have to deal. Why us? Why now?
this real life excerpt to make a point for or
Without much discussion, we assumed we
against abortion. The lesson I draw from this
would do the rational thing -- get an abortion.
story is that whatever decision this couple made,
As the time approached, she began to play with
they would have been able to live with that
hypothetical alternatives, to ask in a plaintive
decision better if the husband had listened in a
voice with half misty eyes: ‘Maybe we should
way that acknowledged all his wife’s feelings
keep the baby. Maybe we could get a live-in
rather than listening only to argue her out of
helper, and it wouldn’t interrupt our lives too
her feelings. What lesson do you draw from this
story?]
10
From The Heart of Parenting - How to Raise an
Emotionally Intelligent Child, by John M. Gottman with
11
Joan DeClaire. New York: Simon & Schuster. 1997. From To Love and Be Loved, by Sam Keen. New York:
Pages 69 & 70. Bantam Books. 1997. Pages 138 & 139.


First exercise for Challenge 1: Active Listening. Find a practice partner. Take turns telling
events from your lives. As you listen to your practice partner, sum up your practice partner’s
overall experience and feelings in brief responses during the telling:

Your notes on this exercise:



Second exercise for Challenge 1: Learning from the past
with the tools of the present. Think of one or more
conversations in your life that went badly. Imagine how the
conversations might have gone better with more responsive
listening. Write down your alternative version of the
conversation.


2-
Page 2-1

Challenge Two
EXPLAINING YOUR CONVERSATIONAL INTENT AND INVITING CONSENT

SUMMARY(repeated from Introduction) In order either meet our needs or explain why they can’t
to help your conversation partner cooperate with (and perhaps suggest alternatives we had not
you and to reduce possible misunderstandings, thought of).
start important conversations by inviting your Many good communicators do this
conversation partner to join you in the specific
explaining intent/inviting consent without
kind of conversation you want to have. The
giving it any thought. They start important
more the conversation is going to mean to you,
conversations by saying things such as:
the more important it is for your conversation
partner to understand the big picture. If you need “Hi, Steve. I need to ask for your help on
to have a long, complex, or emotion-laden my project. Got a minute to talk about it?”
conversation with someone, it will make a big “Uh...Maria, do you have a minute? Right
difference if you briefly explain your now I’d like to talk to you about... Is that
conversational intention first and then invite the OK?”
consent of your intended conversation partner.
“Well, sit down for a minute and let me
tell you what happened...”
“Hello there, Mr. Sanchez. Say, uh...I’m
not completely comfortable about this job.
Can we talk about it for a few minutes?”
“Hi, Jerry, this is Mike. How ya doin’? I
want to talk to you about Fred. He’s in jail
again. Is this a good time to talk?”

When we offer such combined explanations-
of-intent and invitations-to-consent we can help
our conversations along in four important ways:

Why explain? Some conversations require a First, we give our listeners a chance to
lot more time, effort and involvement than consent to or decline the offer of a specific
others. If you want to have a conversation that conversation. A person who has agreed to
will require a significant amount of effort from participate will participate more fully.
the other person, it will go better if that person Second, we help our listeners to understand
understands what he or she is getting into and the “big picture,” the overall goal of the
consents to participate. Of course, in giving up conversation-to-come. (Many scholars in
the varying amounts of coercion and surprise linguistics and communication studies now
that are at work when we just launch into agree that understanding a person’s overall
whatever we want to talk about, we are more conversational intention is crucial for
vulnerable to being turned down. But, when
people agree to talk with us, they will be more
present in the conversation and more able to

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