23 23C hap t er on eThe Mindful Practitioner.docx

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23
C hap t er on e
The Mindful Practitioner
LEARNING OBJECTIVES
Upon successful completion of this chapter, you will be able to:
• Nurture higher levels of mindfulness using strategies such as
breathing exercises,
meditation, reflecting, and journaling.
• Identify the core values and ethical principles that inform
conflict resolution
practice.
• Assess your own conflict resolution styles, as well as those of
the people you are
working with.
• Use basic listening, questioning, and assertion skills to
facilitate conflict- related
discussions.
The key distinction between helping professionals and lay
helpers is that professionals make
deliberate choices about how to intervene based on their
discipline’s knowledge, ethics,

and value bases. This applies equally for conflict resolution.
Conflict is pervasive in human
interaction; thus, everyone is constantly involved in conflict
resolution (CR). Some people
have a natural aptitude for CR; others learn their CR skills
through normal socialization
processes (e.g., following family and cultural norms; learning
how to behave in school).
Because CR professionals are not unique in their use of CR,
their advantage (if any)1 lies in
their ability to use themselves consciously: being mindful of
their thoughts, feelings, values,
and motivations; learning from each situation; and strategically
drawing from CR theory,
skills, values, and ethics (Furlong, 2005). As the proverb
suggests, “The road to hell is paved
with good intentions.” Self- awareness and the deliberate use of
evidence- based strategies
1 Be careful about assuming that a professional is the best one
to intervene in a conflict situation. In many cir-
cumstances, the parties do not trust professionals as much as
others in their social systems (friends, family
members, neighbors, etc.). Although this text focuses on roles
of professional helpers, community develop-
ers and educators may be interested in how to instill conflict
resolution skills and principles within a com-
munity context (Kirst- Ashman & Hull, 2015).
Barsky, Allan. Conflict Resolution for the Helping Professions :
Negotiation, Mediation, Advocacy, Facilitation, and Restorative

Justice, Oxford
University Press, Incorporated, 2017. ProQuest Ebook
Central,
http://ebookcentral.proquest.com/lib/liberty/detail.action?docID
=4792771.
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24 C O N F L I C T R E S O L U T I O N F O R T h E h E L
P I N g P R O F E S S I O N S
24
are vital to ensuring that the effects of our actions are

consistent with our good intentions (Schirch, 2013).
In this chapter, we focus on mindfulness, the continual
process of being self- aware, alert, attentive, thoughtful,
observant, focused, responsive, engaged, and reflective
(Gross, 2014). The first section, “Being Mindful,” describes
ways in which we can incorporate mindfulness in all
aspects of our lives, professional and nonprofessional, in
times of conflict and in times of peace. By making mindfulness
a way of being rather than a state
that one turns on and off for particular purposes, we are not
only poised and ready to respond
to conflict: We are constantly striving toward the ideals of
peace, respect, mutual understanding,
and patience. We may experience lapses in mindfulness and
these ideals. Yet we also have the
capacity to self- correct and move on. The second section,
“Value and Ethics,” highlights the com-
mon values among CR professionals and identifies areas of
disagreement among CR profession-
als. The third section, “Conflict Styles,” provides a framework
for analyzing your predominant
orientation toward dealing with conflict. The fifth section,
“Basic Skills,” describes communica-
tion skills that are fundamental to all modes of CR: listening,
questioning, and making state-
ments. Although these skills are common to all helping
professions, the examples provided are
specific to conflict situations. Your challenge is to integrate
these skills with the values and theo-
ries presented throughout this volume. As Figure 1.1 illustrates,
your ability to make deliberate
choices depends on your mindfulness, including your ability to
reflect on the conflict situation,
your emotions and thoughts, and those of others involved in the

conflict. As you read on and
participate in the exercises, leave yourself time to reflect on
what you have learned and consider
how these new insights relate to your personal and professional
experiences with conflict.
Mindfulness
Theory Skills
ValuesSituation: Self and Other(s)
FIGURE 1.1. Mindfulness Star
BEING MINDFUL
Dalai Lama XIV of Tibet (n.d.) explains, “When we have inner
peace, we can be at peace
with those around us.”2 Although the Dalai Lama is speaking
from a spiritual perspective,
2 Another saying suggests, “Peace of mind is not the absence of
conflict from life, but the ability to cope with
it” (source unknown).
If you have a conflict, make sure
it’s big enough to matter, and
small enough to do something
about it. —Anonymous

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The Mindful Practitioner 25
25
neuroscience confirms the link between our ability to obtain

inner peace and our ability
to create peace with others. Brain studies have shown that the
rational, thinking parts of
the brain operate most effectively when people are at ease.
When people experience stress,
threat, or shame, the autonomic nervous system tends to take
over from the frontal lobes
of the brain. Unconsciously, the body produces more adrenaline
and cortisol, limiting
blood flow to areas of the brain where rational thought
processes take place (Beausoleil &
LeBaron, 2013). Thus, emotions such as anxiety, fear, and
embarrassment can hijack the
brain. When people feel backed into a corner, for instance, they
tend to fall back on primitive
instincts, such as fight, flight, freeze, faint, or fret (Lightman,
2004). From an evolutionary
perspective, instincts such as fight or flight promoted survival.
In a civilized society, however,
these instincts may impede handling conflict more effectively.
Mindfulness is a key to self-
empowerment. As we become more aware of ourselves and
automatic responses to stress
and conflict, we learn to regulate our cognitive, emotional, and
behavioral responses (Gross,
2014). Rather than “fight fire with fire,” for instance, we can
take a step back to reflect on the
situation and consider more creative ways of
responding: applying water to extinguish the
fire, wearing fire- retardant clothes for protection, or working
with the fire to cook a meal.3 We
can use mindfulness to facilitate insight and plan for deliberate
action (Galluccio, 2015). We
can take the energy from irritation, anxiety, or other emotions
and channel it into construc-
tive communication, problem solving, or other CR processes

(Smyth, 2012).
Neurological research suggests that mindfulness practices
retrain the brain (Holzel
et al., 2010). Although the brain develops most quickly during
infancy and childhood, the
neural paths we develop early in life can change. In fact, you
can teach an older person new
thoughts, behaviors, and ways to respond to emotions.
Neuroscientists refer to the capacity
of the brain to learn, grow, and change as its plasticity (Siegel,
2010). As CR professionals,
we can take advantage of this malleability by retraining our
brain regarding how to respond
to a broad range of emotions that may arise during conflict
situations.
Mindfulness is about being present in the moment, attending to
the here and now,
understanding the historical and current context, being aware of
our strengths and resources,
anticipating the future, and being poised and ready to respond to
various types of conflict.
Mindfulness helps us manage distractions and focus on what is
happening in the moment
(Goleman, 2013). Mindfulness helps us pay attention in a
purposeful and nonjudgmental
manner (Bodhi, 2011; Young, 2011). We may have beliefs and
values, but we do not cling
to them as our source of security and salvation (Hamilton,
2013). Mindfulness involves
attending to one’s thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and
motivations (Smyth, 2012).
Mindfulness practice leads to increases in gray matter density in
brain regions involved in
learning and memory processes, emotion regulation, self-

referential processing, and per-
spective taking, abilities that facilitate effective CR (Holzel
et al., 2010; S. Goldberg, Sander,
Rogers, & Cole, 2012). Research suggests that mindful people
are more flexible, as they
have the capacity to recognize multiple options rather than rely
on old habits or automatic
responses. Research also suggests that mindful people tend to
be more satisfied with their
conflicts and relationships (Oetzel & Ting- Toomey, 2013).
Further, mindfulness leads to
3 To avoid automatic (and potentially negative) reactions to
triggers, we can use strategies that delay reaction
and provide time to develop more positive responses. Rather
than fleeing (mentally or physically), we can
ask for a time out and then come back after a period of
debriefing with a colleague. Rather than fainting (or
responding in a befuddled manner), we can let the person know
that we need more time to settle down and
think through the situation. Rather than freezing, we can restate
what the other person has just said, giving
us time to think about how to respond. Rather than fretting (or
obsessing), give ourselves a reasonable time
to process the situation and then move onto other issues
(Lightman, 2004).
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26
lower levels of stress, depression, and dysfunctional attitudes
(Teasdale, Williams, & Segal,
2014; Young, 2011).
So how does one become mindful, or perhaps more accurately,
how does one heighten
and maintain mindfulness? We are all born with a capacity for
mindfulness, a capacity that

can be nurtured and enhanced. Being mindful is an ongoing
process (Friedman, 2014).
Mindfulness is not about using a single technique when the need
arises, although the use of
various techniques may contribute to mindfulness: meditation,
reflection, self- messaging,
and spirituality. Each of these techniques may be used to foster
our capacity for mindful-
ness, a capacity that we should strive to use throughout the day,
every day.
Meditation
My work in CR began as a volunteer mediator for the Brooklyn
Mediation Center in the
1980s. Clients often asked what type of meditation we practiced
and we had to explain that
we provided mediation not meditation. Now that mindfulness
has been found to be an inte-
gral process for CR practitioners, the question about the type of
meditation we practiced
might be answered in a different manner. Broadly speaking,
meditation refers to a process of
training the mind or transforming one’s consciousness for the
purpose of developing higher levels
of concentration, enlightenment, clarity, compassion, calmness,
or inner peace (Chodron, 2013;
https:// thebuddhistcentre.com). In our everyday lives, we
experience a broad array of dis-
tractions, complications, and demands. Engaging in meditation
provides us with a special
time and place to breathe, quiet the mind, and be in solitude
(Warren, Klepper, Lambert,
Nunez, & Williams, 2011). By nurturing more lucid awareness,
meditation helps us to be
more attuned with our thoughts and feelings, preparing us for

handling challenges that may
arise in our personal and professional lives. We learn to be in
the moment, embracing the
moment rather than judging or struggling with it.
Regarding CR, meditation prepares us to be in the moment—
responsive, nonjudg-
mental, and intentional— when interacting with others (Coates,
2015; Hamilton, 2013).
As negotiators, meditation can help us respond to others with
clear and self- assured minds,
rather than with fear or defensiveness. As mediators, meditation
can help us become neu-
tral observers, listening to each side without becoming biased or
emotionally sidetracked.
As advocates, meditation can help us relate to the perspectives
of each stakeholder and
develop strategies that take these perspectives into account.
There are a variety of styles of meditation including
Mindfulness/ Vipassana, Zen,
Tibetan, and yoga (Hamilton, 2013; Soler et al., 2014).
Although many forms of medita-
tion are derived from Buddhist philosophies and contemplative
methods (Gross, 2014),
meditation practices have long existed in other cultures and
religions. Prayer, for example,
may act as a form of mediation, fostering positive beliefs and
mindsets. Meditation prac-
tices were not given much credence in medicine and mental
health until the late 1970s,
when Jon Cabat- Zinn began to study clinical applications of
meditation. He documented
positive effects of mindful meditation practices for people with
depression, stress, chronic
pain, and other conditions (Mind & Life Institute, n.d.; Young,

2011). Since then, the value
of meditation has been studied in many fields of practice,
including CR (Hamilton, 2013).
One of the most common meditation techniques involves
breathing exercises. By con-
centrating on breathing, we raise awareness of our thoughts,
including the mind’s tendency
to jump from one thought to another. We also tend to become
more relaxed (https://
thebuddhistcentre.com). We allow thoughts, bodily sensations,
and feelings to pass freely
through our awareness. Eventually, our mind opens. We
embrace reality without feeling
anxiety. We feel at peace. The universe is unfolding as it
should. We are fully in the present.
It is as if the past or future does not exist (Hamilton, 2013).
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27
There are many variations of breathing exercises, some inviting
you to concentrate on
various parts of your body, or to tense and release muscles
through parts of your body as
you breathe. Other meditation techniques include walking, yoga,
pacing slowly through
labyrinths, and other movements or physical exercises (A.
Cohen, Green, & Partnow, 2012;
Teasdale, Williams, & Segal, 2014). Repetitive actions permit
the mind to wander, focus,
and quiet down. Meditation techniques may be enhanced by
focusing on particular words,
thoughts, prayers, or visualizations. Using visualization, for
example, you might imagine

your best self— picturing yourself presenting with all your best
qualities and receiving kind,
loving responses from those around you (Schussel & Miller,
2013). Alternatively, you could
visualize yourself in a conflict situation, responding to the other
person with understand-
ing, compassion, and creativity. You may also use meditation to
cultivate your intention, for
example, preparing yourself to be a good listener in an
upcoming conversation (Hamilton,
2013). Research suggests that no one form of meditation works
best; further, the frequency
of meditating is more important than the duration (Soler et al.,
2014). Thus, it is better to
meditate for 10 minutes each day than to meditate for 40
minutes twice a week.
To facilitate mindfulness and healing, we can make use of
meditation spaces that are
serene and beautiful— to our senses of sight, smell, hearing,
and touch. When we enter
calm and soothing environments, our brains produce more
dopamine, the neurotransmit-
ter that increase feelings of happiness and decrease feelings of
anxiety or stress (Sternberg,
2013). Thus, we can choose special fragrances, music, and
surroundings to facilitate experi-
ences of emotional and physical well- being.
Research suggests that anger, frustration, and other emotions
evoked in one situa-
tion tend to carry over into subsequent situations (Lerner,
Small, & Loewenstein, 2004).
Consider a client who questions your integrity, making you feel
defensive. To avoid the
carryover effect, it would be helpful to spend a few minutes

meditating prior to seeing your
next client. Cultivating peacefulness and positive emotions
helps you and your client. Your
optimism, delight, and gratitude may have contagious effects on
everyone around you.
Just as bears hibernate and trees go dormant in the winter,
remember that “down time”
is not wasted time, but rather time for needed rest and
rejuvenation (Warren et al., 2011).
So, as you read through this volume, remember to take a break,
meditate, rest your body,
embrace stillness, allow your mind to drift, and then return to
your studies with a greater
sense of purpose and clarity. Remember also to use breathing
exercises, visualization, posi-
tive self- messages, or other forms of mediation to center
yourself before dealing with an
important conflict. These techniques can help you remain calm,
focused, purposeful, non-
judgmental, and free from distraction.
Reflection
Reflection in professional practice is like looking in a mirror,
except the reflection goes much
deeper than physical appearance. When practitioners reflect on
themselves, they strive to
become mindful of what feelings are being evoked (the affective
domain), what thoughts
are going on in their mind (the cognitive domain), and how they
present themselves
(the behavioral domain). Ideally, practitioners have a high level
of self- awareness during
their interventions (reflection in action). Because we are all in
the process of developing

greater self- awareness in the moment, we can all benefit from
deliberating before an inter-
vention and reflecting back afterward (Lang, 2004). This
process may be as simple as taking
a few moments before and after an intervention to mull over
thoughts and feelings in your
head (Friedman, 2014). Reflection allows us to take a step back
and look at the situation
from different perspective. If we are feeling frustrated with the
other person, we can reflect
on what is making us feel frustrated. We can then reflect on
what could make us feel more
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calm and understanding, for instance, imagining the other
person as a young child, consid-
ering how the other person has also suffered, or thinking of
things to appreciate about the
other person (A. Cohen et al., 2012).
Writing journal entries or brief descriptions after your meetings
can be used to heighten
your awareness of your responses to particular situations, while
providing a record that will
enable you to review your reactions and progress over time.
When you write in your jour-
nal, allow your thoughts and feelings to flow freely. You are
writing the journal for your own
purposes, so you need not self- censor material that may seem
embarrassing if you shared it
with others (A. Cohen et al., 2012). If you are embarrassed that
you overreacted to a client’s
complaint, or if you are dealing with ill feelings toward a
colleague, be honest in your writ-

ing. Give yourself a chance to process these personal thoughts
and feelings.
Peer consultation or clinical supervision can also support your
reflective efforts
(Friedman, 2014). Consultants or supervisors help you identify
underlying thoughts and
feelings. They ask questions to raise insights and encourage you
to explore areas that you
might have missed. In other words, they assist with reflection
by holding a mirror so you
can look more closely at yourself (Kadushin & Harkness, 2014).
Finally, you can use the
discussions, inventories, and exercises in a CR course for
interactive reflection. View your
teachers and classmates as a community of educators and
learners who help one another
through giving and receiving feedback. You can facilitate
greater self- awareness and new
insights by sharing experiences and asking each other questions
(McGuire & Inlow, 2005).
Consider your work with a client who seems unappreciative of
your help. Initially, you
feel frustrated with the client. Upon reflection, you ponder your
underlying intentions.
Were you really focused on the client’s agenda, or were you
more focused on your own?
Perhaps your frustration was not caused by the client’s lack of
appreciation, but rather your
difficulty connecting with the client’s concerns. Being able to
identify the sources of one’s
frustration or other feelings helps us focus our attention on the
true issues. We are bet-
ter able to assess factors contributing to the conflict, as well as
how to solve the problems

(Galluccio, 2015).
When conflict arises, emotions are apt to mount. Unchecked,
emotions such as anger,
fear, frustration, excitement, despair, and vengeance can lead to
escalation of conflict
(K. Kim, Cundiff, & Choi, 2014). CR professionals need to be
aware of their emotions— not
to squelch them, but to ensure that these feelings do not impair
their ability to deal with con-
flict effectively. Reflection helps practitioners identify their
natural emotional responses to
various types of conflict, particularly what “pushes their
buttons.” Once awareness is raised,
practitioners can strategize how to deal with difficult situations,
rather than simply lay blame
or respond out of defensiveness. Reflection is also part of self-
care for a professional. By
attending to your own feelings, you can ensure that you do not
become overstressed, disil-
lusioned, or consumed by the conflicts you are managing
(Grellert, 1991). In the following
sections, we explore reflections on particular emotions and
cultural influences.
1. Reflecting on Emotions
Emotional intelligence refers to our capacity for self-
awareness, self- regulation, motivation,
empathy, and social skills (Goleman, 2006; N. Katz & Sosa,
2015). Self- awareness includes
our metacognitive ability to accurately identify and assign
intentions, desires, beliefs, and
emotional states to ourselves and to others (Galluccio, 2015).
Self- regulation allows us to
manage moods, so that we are not acting simply on impulse.
Building on self- awareness,

self- regulation involves a conscious appraisal of the situation
and a deliberate choice about
how to respond (Gross, 2014). Motivation means being in touch
with internal concerns that
compel us to pursue particular goals. Empathy is the capacity to
understand and respond
with compassion to the emotions of others. Social skills include
verbal and nonverbal
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communication competencies that help us build rapport, find
common ground, and man-
age relationships with others. People with higher levels of
emotional intelligence are better
able to manage conflict because they are better able to express
positive emotions, manage
negative emotions, build trust with others, consider their
perspectives, and find common
ground (K. Kim et al., 2014). Although each of us has a certain
level of emotional intel-
ligence, we can enhance our ability to deal with emotions
through social and emotional
learning, including the processes of reflection and self-
awareness (CASEL, 2015).
Emotions serve many purposes. They focus our attention, tune
our decision mak-
ing, facilitate social interactions, and enhance our memory
(Gross, 2014). Emotions also
inspire people, providing motivation or impetus to make
changes. Whether you are feeling
love, joy, respect, happiness, fear, jealousy, guilt, or some other
emotion, it is helpful to
understand the purposes of the emotion, how you naturally tend
to respond, and how you

can respond deliberately to foster peace and CR. Notice feelings
as they arise and allow
your body to respond spontaneously. Rather than trying to deny
or control your emotions,
experience emotions in an authentic, nonjudging manner
(Hamilton, 2013). Feelings per
se are neither good nor bad. Regardless of whether the feeling is
enjoyable or painful, it is
a common human experience. Use yourself as a guide— if a
situation makes you mildly
angry and your client furious, you can begin to question what
has caused the difference
in your responses. Are you acting on different information? Are
your perceptions differ-
ent? Are you affected by the same conflict in a different
manner? Given these differences,
an intervention that works for you may not work for the client.
Emotions affect how you
think, how you behave, and even how you respond
physiologically (e.g., rising blood pres-
sure when feeling stressed). All emotions have the ability to
help or inhibit your ability to
deal with conflict (Oetzel & Ting- Toomey, 2013). This section
explores five examples—
liking, disliking, anger, hurt, and shame— to show why it is
important to continually strive
for mindfulness of your emotions.
Feelings of liking and disliking can affect your responses to
conflict in many ways. If you
like one client more than another, for instance, you might
unconsciously show favoritism to
the one you like. If you strongly dislike a coworker, you might
automatically discount that
person’s suggestions, even when the suggestions are reasonable.
If you are very fond of your

neighbors, you might be naturally inclined to acquiesce to their
requests, even when they
are unreasonable. By continually observing your feelings of
liking and disliking, you can
choose more deliberately how to respond (T. Fisher, Alol, &
Wingate, 2005).
Anger is one of the most pervasive emotions in conflict
situations. Depending on how
we use anger, it can energize us toward either constructive or
destructive responses. When
we try to hold anger in, it tends to build inside and surface in
ways that we have no con-
trol over (e.g., headaches or other somatic responses, passive-
aggressive behavior, clouded
thinking, or conflict avoidance). Conversely, if we ventilate or
dump our anger on another
person, then we are likely to exacerbate the conflict. If we learn
to channel our anger toward
dealing with the rudimental problems, then it acts as a positive
force. We can also try to
re- interpret situations in a more positive fashion (Lightman,
2004). Rather than getting
angry with a homeless client for lying, we can interpret the
client’s lying as a survival skill.
Self- awareness helps us avoid even subtle responses
that may be perceived negatively by others. When we
feel contempt, for instance, we tend to smile with one
side of our mouth (Freshman, 2005). By avoiding
this type of half- smile, we can project more construc-
tive messages through our body language.
Anger may be either a primary or second-
ary emotion. A primary emotion is an immediate
“The reason your mother can push

your buttons the most is because she’s
the one who put them there.”
—Robin Williams
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physiological reaction that one initially experiences in response
to a new social situation.
A secondary emotion arises after the primary emotion, as it is
processed through ones
thoughts, beliefs, and attitudes. If you feel angry about
something, it may be helpful to look
beneath this anger to determine what other emotions may also
be operating. For example,
your anger at a client may be rooted in frustration with the
client’s lack of progress in ther-
apy. Your anger at a supervisor may be derived from fear that
the supervisor will chastise
you for making a mistake. Your anger at colleagues who are
leaving your agency stem from
feeling hurt, abandoned, or perhaps jealous about their new
positions. Once you identify
your underlying emotions, you can begin to process them. This
could mean letting a client
know you feel frustrated by the lack of progress made in
therapy, asking your supervisor for
support rather than censure, or letting your colleagues know
that you will miss them. This
allows you to take responsibility for your own anger, while
communicating your underlying
feelings in a nonthreatening manner. You do not need to be
stoic or pretend your anger does

not exist. Even if you lose your temper, you can work to regain
your composure, engage in
frank discussions of the discord, and re- assert the search for
insight, problem solving, col-
laboration, and peace (Hamilton, 2013). As discussed earlier
regarding mindfulness, let
go of any judgment regarding your anger or other emotions
(Friedman, 2014). Simply be
aware of them.
Hurt means feeling emotional anguish or pain from a perceived
injury or violation from
others. Conflict situations are often accompanied by hurt
feelings as people experience
some combination of confrontation, stress, loss, personal
attacks, and physical or financial
damages. It is OK to feel hurt, and to express such feelings
through crying, writhing, vent-
ing, and so on. Accepting and expressing feelings are the first
steps to processing them.
When people feel hurt, they may become self- absorbed,
focusing on their own concerns
(Bush & Folger, 2005). To move beyond hurt and self-
absorption, it may be useful to iden-
tify one’s underlying needs (Rosenberg, 2003). If someone has
attacked me, is my primary
need to feel safe, to feel whole, or to feel respected? How can
I transmute my suffering into
feelings that will serve more positive purposes? I am not
denying that I feel hurt. Rather
than feeling self- pity, however, perhaps I can open my heart to
compassion, fearlessness,
courage, curiosity, and other feelings that will help me connect
with others and move on
(Hamilton, 2013).

Shame refers to feelings of distress stemming from awareness of
a personal trait or core
aspect of one’s identity that is inconsistent with social norms or
one’s internalized expecta-
tions of self (Behrendt & Ben- Ari, 2012). Shame is related to
feelings of dishonor, embar-
rassment, and disgrace. Shame challenges feelings of self- love.
Feelings of shame may be
triggered when the socially undesirable trait is exposed to
others, although shame may also
be felt as disappointment in oneself without exposing the trait
to others. When people feel
shame, they tend to experience a number of challenges in
dealing with conflict:
• Shame arouses anger, suspicion, and resentment.
• Shame is associated with expressions of aggression toward
the self, the other, or the sur-
rounding environment.
• Shame encourages nonconstructive responses to conflict,
including withdrawal, lower-
quality solutions to problems, and reduced expectations of
fulfilling any solutions.
• Shame leads people to focus on themselves and disregard the
needs and interests of oth-
ers (Bader, 2011; Behrendt & Ben- Ari, 2012).
Given the potential impact of shame, self- awareness and
deliberate responses are crucial.
Consider an African American professional who is enraged by a
racist joke or a practitioner
with schizophrenia who feels threatened when others discover
her history of mental illness.

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Rather than responding based on raw emotion, they may reflect
on the source of these feel-
ings and try to find appropriate outlets for them. Some issues
may be dealt with in profes-
sional supervision; others through therapy or some of the
mindfulness strategies described
earlier. Simply taking time out, reflecting, and returning to the
conflict with renewed focus
may be helpful.
Face refers to one’s sense of responsibility and honor, the
desire to avoid embarrassment
or shame (Hamilton, 2013). If we can be aware of comments
that push our buttons or easily
embarrass us, we are better prepared to save face; that is,
protect our self- image. In the long
term, we can take steps to build our pride and positive sense of
self. Having a secure self-
image allows us to be assertive of our interests, without
becoming aggressive or defensive
when we are challenged (Bader, 2011). In the short- term, we
can practice responses that
separate our feelings from the problems that we are trying to
resolve and the professional
behaviors that we need to put into practice. When our identity
or sense of self- worth is chal-
lenged, we may use positive self- messages such as, “Let it go,”
“I am a good person,” “Don’t
sweat the small stuff,” or “I am not the issue. The issue is …” It
is OK to feel vulnerable.
Vulnerability allows us to open ourselves to others.
Vulnerability is not weakness, but rather
the courage to be honest (B. Brown, 2012). Instead of trying to
save face, we can take pride
in who we are.

When we feel threatened or ashamed, we can take ownership of
our feelings. We can
avoid blaming others for how we are feeling. We can identify
needs that are related to our
feelings. And we can listen to others with concern and empathy
(Rosenberg, 2003). I recall
an instance when a client called me a “stupid faggot.” Initially,
I blushed and felt defensive.
Then, I felt angry. I owned my anger. The client’s statement
triggered my anger, but it was
something inside me that made me feel angry. Further,
something inside me could help me
deal with my anger. Composing myself was not easy. I told
myself, “Yes, I am gay and this
is no cause for shame.” I needed to be comfortable with myself
before I could focus on the
work that I needed to do with this client. My client did not need
judging or condemnation.
He needed my understanding and support.
Another aspect of emotional regulation concerns how we
express emotions in profes-
sional situations (N. Katz & Sosa, 2015). Display of emotions
varies depending on the
model of intervention. A psychoanalyst presents with little
emotion, allowing clients to
open up and transfer feelings onto an empathic, nonjudgmental
listener. A motivational
educator, in contrast, presents with enthusiasm and dramatic
techniques in order to sell
the message. Similarly, different models of CR work best with
different types of emo-
tional expression. Mediators who want to demonstrate
impartiality avoid displaying plea-
sure or displeasure with one party or the other. Advocates who

want to persuade decision
makers might use emotional displays to win sympathy.
Negotiators who prefer not to tip
their hand (e.g., disclose their bottom line) mute their
expressions of emotion. Teachers
who impose consequences for student misbehavior refrain from
showing pleasure in
imposing the consequences. Certainly, different situations call
for differential use of self.
As you develop your own style of CR, remember to build on
your strengths. Some
negotiators are more effective when they approach conflict
calmly and rationally. Others
are more effective when they express their exuberance,
umbrage, or fear. How you display
emotions should also take the other person’s cultural
expectations into account. When a
mediator avoids smiling in order to maintain impartiality, for
instance, some people may
interpret this as coldness or lack of concern (Oetzel & Ting-
Toomey, 2013).
2. Reflecting on Cultural Influences
Because culture affects the way people understand and respond
to conflict, CR profession-
als must become aware of their cultural predilections. Rather
than prescribing a singular
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approach to CR, this text presents an array of approaches. This
allows practitioners to select
CR approaches that are consonant with their own cultural values
and norms. Cultural
awareness also helps practitioners select CR approaches that are

culturally appropriate for
the people they are dealing with. As a Canadian, I know that my
country of origin values
“peace, order, and good government.” These terms are written
into the constitution and
form the basis for Canada’s justice system. When working with
CR practitioners in Israel,
I became keenly aware of how my personal identity as a
Canadian set me apart from many
Israelis. On the surface, Israeli responses to conflict often
seemed argumentative, confron-
tational, and chaotic. Conversely, many Israelis saw me as nice
and even- tempered, but too
naïve and indirect: “Why don’t you just say what you mean?”
I had to learn how to interpret
Israeli interactions from their cultural perspectives and how to
adapt CR approaches to
fit with the cultural common sense in Israel. As an Israeli
colleague noted after one of my
workshops:
When I hear you talk about conflict resolution, it all seems to
make so much sense. But when
I try to translate it in my head from English to Hebrew, it
doesn’t seem to work. I can’t just
translate it word for word.
I had to help Israeli colleagues interpret CR theory and skills to
fit with their cultural frames
(Li- On, 2016). I also had to learn not to judge Israeli culture
or take on airs of cultural
superiority. It is not that Israelis have disdain for peace, order,
or good government; how-
ever, they tend to have different patterns of interacting and
implementing these constructs.
By reflecting on my experiences, I was able to identify areas of

similarity, as well as areas of
difference. Through learning about other cultures, I became
more conscious of my own.
One’s personal identity can be comprised of various factors,
including ethnicity, cul-
ture, gender, age, sexual orientation, and political affiliation.
Identity affects one’s ways of
viewing the world as well as one’s emotional and verbal
responses (Freshman, 2005). By
becoming more mindful of one’s identity(ies), one can act more
deliberately in conflict
situations.
Aspects of cultural diversity that are particularly relevant in
conflict situations include
power distance, collectivism versus individualism, and
uncertainty avoidance (Oetzel &
Ting- Toomey, 2013; Wanis- St. John, 2005). Power distance
refers to cultural expectations
about respect or deference to people in positions of authority,
such as parents, elders,
or professionals. For instance, do you prefer to call your
instructor Professor, Dr., Mr.,
Mrs., or Ms., or do you use the instructor’s first name?
Regardless of your preference, how
does your instructor prefer to be addressed? When people have
higher levels of power
distance, they may tend to defer to those in positions of
authority rather than challenge or
confront them.
The collectivism- individualism continuum refers to the extent
to which a culture priori-
tizes individual needs over group needs (K. Kim & Markman,
2013). In your family of

origin, for instance, were you encouraged to place family needs
above your own, yielding
to your parents’ wishes? Alternatively, were you encouraged to
develop your own unique
identity, speaking up for yourself even if it meant disagreeing
with your parents? People
from collectivist cultures tend to resolve conflict based on the
needs of their family or com-
munity rather than their individual needs or interests.
Uncertainty avoidance refers to the degree to which a culture
embraces or steers clear of
ambiguity. Do you (and other members of your cultural group)
prefer to have clear, specific
plans at the start of a meeting or when you set off on a vacation,
or do you feel comfortable
with an open- ended agenda that may lead who knows where
(Macduff, 2006)?
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Although characteristics such as uncertainty avoidance and
power distance are affected
by culture, there are also individual differences within each
cultural group. As you strive to
gain awareness of your predilections, consider how they may
affect you in various types of
CR roles and situations.
Spirituality: Inspiration and Artistry
Spirituality may be defined as a search for meaning or a process
of transcending beyond
the material world (Culliford, 2011). Different people
experience spirituality in different
manners, for instance, through relationships with self, others, a
higher power, or the cos-
mos (Barker, 2007). Religion is a particular form of spirituality

in which there is an orga-
nizational structure that provides social order, rituals, language,
and shared understanding
(Canda & Furman, 2009). Although professionals should avoid
imposing any particular
form of spirituality on the people they help, spirituality may be
an important aspect of CR
(R. Goldberg & Blancke, 2011). For the CR practitioner, in
particular, spirituality may be a
source of inspiration and artistry.
Consider why you are in your current profession. How does it
provide meaning to your
life? Is it the act of helping, the good that you are creating for
those you serve, or promot-
ing health, safety, social justice, self- actualization, or some
other societal good? Consider
also why you are studying CR. Do your sources of inspiration
include promoting peace,
collaboration, empowerment, or fairness? And finally, how do
your spiritual and religious
beliefs fit with your interest in CR? Being mindful of what
inspires us to do good can help us
achieve greater causes and deal more effectively with the
vicissitudes of conflict. Spirituality
reminds of the interconnectedness of people, including common
needs, dreams, and aspi-
rations, despite our differences. Spirituality invites us to
approach conflict with purpose,
fascination, mystery, awe, and even delight (Culliford, 2011).
Mahatma Gandhi, Martin Luther King Jr., Aung San Suu Kyi,
the Dalai Lama, and many
other icons of peace and nonviolence have drawn from spiritual
teachings for the their ide-
als, insights, and guidance (Hamilton, 2013). Spiritual teachings

and practices may be used
to foster patience, mutual understanding, enlightenment, and
transcendence (Tolle, 2008).
Can you imagine yourself living through war, molestation,
slavery, or other forms of vio-
lence and oppression— and still maintaining inner peace, faith
in humanity, and a compas-
sionate approach to managing conflict? Your sense of
spirituality is what may help you rise
above your senses of pain, outrage, and vengeance at such
injustices.
Many models of CR, including some presented in this text,
provide practitioners with
explicit stages, strategies, and techniques for intervention.
These guidelines provide a
secure framework and manageable steps for developing
professionals. Still, CR is not sim-
ply the rigid application of a script or technical intervention.
Professionals need inspiration
and artistry to implement CR in creative and flexible manners
(Picard, Bishop, Ramkay, &
Sargent, 2004). Cultivate your creativity. Be open to
synchronicity and karma— the chance
happenings and good intentions that seem to come from
nowhere. I have been surprised
many times by the magic of mediation:
• Amid a seemingly intractable conflict, one person has an
epiphany, an insight that leads
us to a wonderful resolution of the issues.
• During a dispute where both clients seem to have nothing in
common, they unexpect-
edly discover they are two sides of the same coin.

• A community in crisis realizes that the crisis is an
opportunity for change rather than a
calamity.
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Conflict happens in the moment. Rather than merely “talking
about” conflict in the past or
in the abstract, CR professionals have the most profound impact
by responding spontane-
ously but elegantly in the midst of a conflict interaction.
Although preparation for CR is
important, CR professionals must be also mindful of the
moment, listening carefully to oth-
ers and improvising according to what is happening around
them (Balachandra, Bordone,
Menkel- Meadow, Ringstrom, & Sarath, 2005). The magic of
CR occurs when practitioners
go beyond the mechanical repetition of certain techniques and
discover inspired interven-
tions befitting the unique conflict situation.
Although art and elegant CR processes happen in the moment,
CR professionals should
not simply rely on chance opportunities or subconscious
responses to conflict. CR pro-
fessionals can use a number of strategies to stimulate
imaginative, visionary CR processes
and to remain open for serendipitous opportunities for creative
CR processes to emerge
(Lederach, 2005).
First, CR professionals can envision their work not only as a job
or career but as a voca-
tion. A vocation is a calling or endeavor that a person assumes
with a passion. The passion

may come from one’s core values, morals, religious beliefs, or
spiritual drives (Tolle, 2008).
Second, CR professionals can use their passion and commitment
to inspire others—
helping people move past base desires or drives, such as
violence or revenge, to higher ideals
such as peace and social justice. This requires both optimism
and naïveté. Whereas people
embroiled in long- term, violent conflict might see no reason to
trust or hope, CR profession-
als can help them see a spark of hope that might ignite
something much grander than they
ever imagined. Initially, CR professionals might merely ask
others to dream. “If you could
wave a magic wand and things would be better, what would
better look like?” (Ratner, George,
& Ivenson, 2012). Without high goals and aspirations, people
will not be inspired to reach
beyond what seems pragmatic, to what could be. Help people
find the beauty and opportunity
in what surrounds them. Show them how they can take a
problem- saturated story of their past
experiences and develop a more positive narrative to guide them
into the future.
Third, CR professionals can inspire themselves and others to
take risks:
• When you feel denigrated, offer respect.
• In the face of fear, offer your vulnerability.
• When division and hate is all around you, build solidarity
with those close at hand and
then reach for others as far as you can touch.
• When overwhelmed by complexity, seek the elegant essence

that holds it together
(Lederach, 2005).
Giving peace a chance is risky, but if we do not give peace a
chance, then we are destined to
further violence. Consider not only the risks of taking the next
step toward peace, but also
the risks of not taking the next step.
Fourth, CR professionals can respect the natural and traditional
CR processes that
already exist within a family, community, or culture. Some CR
professionals are too quick
to impose their own processes on clients. When CR
professionals engage and get to know
clients, they should be open to building on client strengths,
including their own knowledge
of what works or could work for them (Lederach, 2005).
If you think I am dreaming in Technicolor, I am. But I am
also dreaming in Blu- ray,
high definition, and wide screen. Some people criticize
peaceniks as being soft, simple, or
cowardly. Effective peacebuilders are anything but. They
require confidence, assertiveness,
practical knowledge, critical thinking, and courage. Faith, hope,
and imagination do not
mean being foolhardy. There are many positive examples of
people who have used moral
imagination to inspire others toward peace and social justice.
When Martin Luther King Jr.
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enlisted African Americans to use nonviolence and civil
disobedience to challenge racial
segregation, can you imagine their initial responses? “Whites

control government, police,
and the courts … and you want me to violate the law by going
into a Whites- only establish-
ment? Are you crazy?” Similarly, who would have thought prior
to the 1990s that apartheid
in South Africa would end without a civil war or that the Irish
Republican Army would
renounce all forms of terrorism? It is easy for people to feel
jaded or pessimistic in the face
of the Islamic State’s (ISIS) campaign of terror, or a nasty
divorce, or even a political cam-
paign plagued by mudslinging. CR professionals, however, can
play a vital role in inspiring
hope and creating a time and space for people to engage in
imaginative dialogue, problem
solving, and peacebuilding (Lederach, 2005; Mayer, 2004).
VALUES AND ETHICS
Values are priorities. They indicate deeply held preferences
about what is good or mor-
ally important to us. In contrast, ethics are guidelines for
professional behavior, delineating
appropriate and inappropriate manners of conduct (G. Corey,
Corey, Corey, & Callanan,
2015; Dolgoff, Loewenberg, & Harrington, 2012). As CR
professionals, values and ethics
guide both our goals and the means to those goals (Barsky,
2010). Our values affect how
we implement skills and intervene in conflict. If you value
peace, then the model of prac-
tice you select will be directed to meet this goal. Ideally, the
model uses peaceful means
to bring about peace. If not, can you justify using nonpeaceful
means, fighting, to bring
about peace? CR theory and practice must be predicated on

values and not simply on what
research proves to be effective.
1. In Search of Common Values
Given the breadth of CR models and the range of backgrounds
among CR professionals,
it would be misleading to say there is a common value base of
CR. A common value base
does exist among practitioners who favor collaborative,
nonviolent CR. These profession-
als are guided by the values of peace, integrity, respect for
diversity, consensus building, and
community (MacFarlane, 1999). Some people find professionals
of this ilk to be optimistic,
perhaps even naïvely so. However, a good part of CR is selling
the process to conflicting par-
ties. When conveyed in a genuine manner, the confidence and
idealism of CR professionals
may inspire clients to strive for similar ideals.
An elderly man is mugged by a young thug. The man feels
violated, humiliated, dis-
mayed, and vengeful. The last thing on his mind is to have a
chance to meet face- to- face
with the thug and talk things out. What can a CR practitioner
offer the man?
People are basically good. Right now you are wondering how
I could possibly say this about
the youth who mugged you. Perhaps you are right. But what do
you really know about him?
What does he know about you? Would you like the opportunity
to tell him who you are and
how you feel about what he has done? Do you think he would
have mugged you if he knew

who you were?
It would be hypocritical for CR practitioners to say that all CR
professionals must have the
same values— if we respect diversity, then this includes
diversity within the field. In fact,
there are significant debates within CR about a number of
values, including privacy, satis-
faction, social justice, empowerment, and recognition. Most
helping professionals ascribe
to the ethic of confidentiality— that is, a professional who
learns personal information
from a client will keep that information private, unless the
client consents to release such
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information. Many CR professionals argue that one of the
advantages of mediation and
negotiation is that they are confidential processes. This allows
parties to work through their
differences in a safe environment, without having to worry
about how others will respond.
Some CR professionals, however, raise concerns that conflicts
should remain in the public
domain. Court, for example, is open to the public in order to
ensure accountability and
protection of vulnerable populations. In addition, decisions
made in one case can be used
as precedents to support decisions in similar cases in the future.
Under this concept of jus-
tice, fairness is achieved when like cases are decided alike.
When negotiations, mediation,
or other CR processes are closed to the public, accountability is

more difficult to gauge and
precedent cases are not made known to society (R. Brown,
2012; Talesh, 2011). When you
are deciding whether your CR process should be open or closed
to the public, remember to
take the extent to which you value client privacy into account.
2. Satisfaction, Social Justice, and Transformation
Folger, Bush, & Della Noce (2010) identify three value
orientations for mediation: satisfac-
tion, social justice, and transformation. The Satisfaction Story
is predicated on the belief
that mediation satisfies people’s needs and interests. Through
mediation, people are able to
settle their differences informally, amicably, and in a manner
that produces mutually agree-
able solutions. The Social Justice Story is based on the notion
that mediation organizes
individuals around common issues and promotes stronger social
ties. This provides the
community with an opportunity to organize disadvantaged
groups in order to challenge
the power brokers and promote social justice. The
Transformation Story suggests that the
promise of mediation is its capacity to transform the manner in
which conflicting parties
deal with conflict (Folger et al., 2010). Bush and Folger (2005)
identify two components of
transformation: empowerment and recognition. Empowerment
refers to the ability of medi-
ation to promote client self- determination, choice, and
autonomy. Recognition refers to the
ability of mediation to enhance interpersonal communication
and empathic understand-
ing among conflicting parties. Depending on which orientation

you accept, your choice of
models of CR will vary significantly.
When you approach a conflict, what do you value? What is your
ultimate goal for the
process? Any resolution of the conflict? A fair solution? An
efficient solution? Social har-
mony? An enduring solution? In case you have not noticed,
I have avoided presenting a
definitive answer. As you work through the readings and
exercises, you may clarify your
own value base for CR.
3. Attitude toward Power
Although most helping professions believe in a client’s right to
self- determination, various
professionals have different attitudes toward the use of power in
their work. At one extreme,
some professionals see themselves as impartial facilitators—
that is, professionals who sup-
port clients to fulfill their goals in a nondirective manner. In
contrast, other professionals
believe that they are justified and perhaps required to use their
power to influence the way
clients and others make decisions.
A professional’s attitude toward the use of power may depend
on the situation. For
example, a child protection worker will remove a child from a
family if it poses an immedi-
ate risk to the child’s welfare. If, however, the child’s
immediate safety is assured, then the
worker will try to work with the family on a voluntary basis.
Reflect on your own attitudes
toward the use of power in your type of work. When are you

more likely to exert your influ-
ence? When are you less likely to do so?
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Understanding your attitudes toward power will help you decide
the types of CR roles
and models of intervention that you will use. For example, a
liberal- minded family therapist
is more likely to encourage family members to come up with
their own solutions to fam-
ily conflicts. A radical feminist therapist is more likely to
influence decisions by altering
the power balance in the family to give the women more power.
An administrator with an
egalitarian style is likely to share power with others in the
organization. An authoritarian
administrator will use decision- making power without inviting
input from others (Haidt,
2013). As you explore various approaches to CR, consider the
role of power and how it fits
with your own attitude toward power.
4. Professional Ethics
Professional values are often operationalized in professional
codes of ethics. The same
is true in many areas of CR. There is no single code of ethics
that truly covers all CR or
even for any branch of CR, such as negotiation or mediation.4 If
you are practicing CR as
part of your other professional identification (e.g., youth
worker, psychologist, teacher),
you are bound by the code of ethics of that profession, if any.
Some professions, includ-
ing social work, have articulated specific policies for members

who practice CR (National
Association of Social Workers [NASW], 2008). In certain
realms of CR practice, such as
family mediation, CR associations have developed their own
codes of ethics (Association
of Family and Conciliation Courts, 2000; Family Mediation
Canada, n.d.).
In most jurisdictions, membership in a CR association and
adherence to its code of eth-
ics is voluntary. This means that CR professionals who wish to
operate on a different set of
standards and values do not have to belong to any association.
No wonder that you will find
CR professionals with very different values and standards of
practice.
For sample codes of ethics, see the websites listed in Appendix
4. Note the differences
and similarities between the codes of ethics from various CR
associations. Note, too, how
many values questions are open for interpretation.
5. Values and Ethical Conflicts
Even with the guidance of professional codes of ethics, CR
practitioners face many situa-
tions where there is no clear guidance on how to act. A code
may say, for instance, that a
professional must act honestly and respect the rights of others.
Does this mean that pro-
fessionals must disclose their bottom lines when they are
negotiating with others? What
circumstances, if any, permit professionals to use deceitful or
coercive tactics in trying to
achieve justice for their clients? To determine not only how to

behave but also how to be as
a CR professional, we must be mindful of the values that are
inherent in the strategies we
use and the CR roles that we assume.
CONFLICT ST YLES
Conflict style refers to one’s preferred response or natural
pattern of behavior when faced
with conflict. Certainly, people respond differently to different
types of conflict situations;
however, people do have general tendencies to respond to
conflict in particular manners
4 The Association for Conflict Resolution (2010) has a
statement of ethical principles that are geared toward
all “neutrals.” While this term covers a broad range of conflict
resolution roles, it does not cover non- neutral
roles such as advocates.
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(Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). The Thomas- Kilmann Conflict Mode
Instrument (Thomas &
Kilmann, 1974)5 helps CR professionals determine their own
tendencies, as well as those of
others with whom they are working. By assessing your own
conflict style, you can develop
greater control over how you respond to particular conflict
situations (A. Schneider &
Brown, 2013). By assessing others’ conflict styles, you can
determine appropriate inter-
ventions or ways of engaging them more effectively (e.g.,

demonstrating empathy for their
initial responses; showing them value in trying a different
approach to conflict).
Based on dual- concern theory, the Thomas- Kilmann
Instrument begins with the
proposition that there are two primary orientations toward
CR: assertiveness and coop-
erativeness (Coleman, Kugler, Bui- Wrzosinska, Nowak, &
Vallacher, 2012). Figure 1.2
describes these dimensions as concern for self (assertiveness)
and concern for others
(cooperativeness).
Concern
for Self
(assertiveness)
Competing
(dominating)
Collaborating
(integrating)
Avoiding
Compromising
Accommodating
(obliging)
Concern for Others
(cooperativeness)
0

FIGURE 1.2. Thomas- Kilmann Conflict Styles Chart
1. Avoiding
The bottom- left quadrant of the diagram describes avoiding,
responding to conflict in ways
that reflect low on concern for self and low on concern for
others. Avoidance behaviors
include withdrawing, walking away, and disappearing
(Hamilton, 2013). When people
avoid, they may deny that conflict exists. They may be unaware
of the conflict or they may
be aware, but too anxious about the conflict to want to deal with
it. By avoiding conflict,
they tend to satisfy neither their own needs nor the needs of
others (Christian, 2015). I for-
got to write a letter of reference for a student. When the student
calls, I do not answer and
do not call back. I avoid having any conflict with the student, at
least for now. Unfortunately,
I really do not satisfy either of our needs.
5 The Thomas- Kilmann Instrument is one of the more popular
frameworks among CR professionals for ana-
lyzing conflict styles, but it is certainly not the only one. The
Myers- Briggs Scale (Myers, 1987), for exam-
ple, is an interpersonal styles inventory commonly used in
business settings. Taxonomies of management
styles also provide frameworks to analyze interactions with
people who have different preferred modes of
operating: Introverts— Extroverts, Sensors— Intuitives,
Thinkers— Feelers, and Judging— Perceiving (see
http:// www.cpp.com to order copies of either of these
instruments). A. Schneider and Brown’s (2013)
DYNAD Inventory provides a more nuanced update of the

Thomas- Kilmann Inventory, highlighting the
possible strengths of various approaches to conflict.
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39
Sometimes, helping professionals use avoidance when they feel
they are in a less power-
ful situation (Parker, 2015). For instance, a psychologist on an
interdisciplinary team may
defer to the decisions of a psychiatrist, feeling that the
psychiatrist ultimately has the power
to make the decision. Helping professionals may also use
avoidance because they have
learned, from their culture or family, not to confront conflict
directly.
Avoidance of overt conflict may be useful when the conflict is
merely the symptom of
a separate underlying problem; for instance, when a child is
acting out, you might try to
deal with the underlying issues and avoid dealing directly with
the acting- out behaviors. If
a child whines from hunger, the parent might offer food rather
than reprimand the child for
whining. Teaching the child alternatives to whining may be
more effective when the child
is not hungry. Avoidance, used strategically, may have certain
benefits. For instance, I might
initially avoid conflict because I am extremely upset; later,
when I have calmed down, I can
engage in conflict more constructively. Be careful about the use
of avoidance, and particu-
larly how others might interpret your avoiding behavior. They
may infer that you do not
care, that you are irresponsible, or that you are being less than
honest. If you do use avoid-

ance, monitor how others react to your behavior and determine
whether to follow up with
other responses.
2. Accommodating
The bottom- right quadrant, accommodating, denotes a conflict
response reflecting low
concern for one’s own needs and high concern for the needs of
others. Such obliging behav-
ior may indicate the person highly values their relationships.
People with accommodating
styles tend to go out of their way to please others, even at the
expense of their own needs.
My boss asks me to stay late to complete a work plan and
budget for a project. I am tired
but agree to stay late tonight and even offer to work through the
weekend. My boss will be
happy, and I’ll be exhausted.
Accommodation may be useful when people acknowledge they
are wrong and want
to demonstrate reasonableness, or when they want to help others
save face in a potentially
embarrassing conflict (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). In some
situations, people accommodate
others out of deference to their knowledge, position, or other
forms of power over them.
Also note there are times when people give the appearance of
accommodating, and then
turn around and act in a contrary manner. Consider, for
instance, a patient who agrees with
a doctor to take a certain medication. The patient may not want
the medication— perhaps
because of the side effects— and finds it easier to simply accept
the prescription and give

the doctor the appearance of compliance. Thus, when someone
appears compliant with
your suggestions or wishes, you may wish to check whether the
other person is truly agree-
ing with you and whether the person intends to fulfill the
agreement.
3. Competing
The top- left quadrant, competing, characterizes conflict
responses that reflect low
concern for the needs of others and high concern for their own
needs. People with
competing styles have an impulse to win. Competing suggests
one is exerting power
to influence others, imposing one’s will, or seeking to
dominate. Personal success is
important. Amicable relations with others are not. A
professional colleague disagrees
with my assessment of a client. I respond by identifying all the
errors in my colleague’s
thinking. Even if I am right and win the argument, consider the
cost to my colleague
and our relationship. Whereas competing could include
behaviors that are aggressive,
violent, or unethical, competition may also use tactics that are
assertive, constructive,
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and ethical (e.g., using one’s personal charisma to help
persuade a colleague to support
a particular position in an upcoming staff meeting). When
implementing a competitive
style in a strategic manner, one selects responses that are likely

to be effective. Thus, if
yelling, being self- righteous, or lying is likely to elicit a
negative response (e.g., escala-
tion of destructive conflict), people with a competitive style
may forgo those strategies
for more effective ones. If they are more likely to win by being
nice than by being nasty,
they will be nice.
4. Compromising
The middle section of the diagram, compromising, reflects
conflict responses where peo-
ple pay some attention to the needs of others and some attention
to their own needs. They
opt for solutions that are partial wins— for themselves and for
others. Unfortunately,
compromises are also partial losses for themselves and for the
others. The solutions
may be fair, but nobody is completely satisfied. I want
government to provide full pub-
lic funding for mediation services. Government balks. I suggest
a compromise that gov-
ernment subsidizes up to half the cost for people whose income
is below the poverty
line. If government accepts, at least I have achieved part of
what I sought to accomplish.
Compromise tends to foster better relationships than
competition, but not as well as col-
laboration. In some instances, compromises can be formulated
in ways that maximize
wins and minimize losses (constructive trade- offs) or ways that
offer quick, short- term
solutions. In some instances, people feel pressure to
compromise in order to appear rea-
sonable (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). Be cautious about accepting

agreements that are less
than optimal. Although you are obtaining an agreement, you are
leaving value on the
negotiation table, essentially wasting resources rather than
maximizing the benefits for
you and the other negotiator.
5. Collaborating
The final quadrant, collaborating, reflects conflict responses
based on high concern for
the person’s own needs, as well as for the needs for others.
They seek out “win- win” solu-
tions (i.e., mutually beneficial decisions). Collaboration is
sometimes called an “integra-
tive style,” as the person seeks solutions that integrate the
wishes, interests, and needs of
all people involved in the conflict (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014).
Collaborators encourage
joint problem solving and action. A client claims that I have
breached my obligation to
keep information confidential. Rather than responding
defensively, I invite the client to
discuss these concerns and to see whether we can work things
out in an amicable fashion.
Collaborators use cooperative strategies such as jointly
analyzing problems, self- disclosing
one’s own concerns and interests, demonstrating respect,
keeping an open mind, validat-
ing the other’s views, offering suggestions designed to meet
both parties’ interests, and
accepting responsibility for the conflict, where appropriate.6
Collaboration is particularly
important when you need consensus to implement a decision or
when the issues are very
important to both parties. Mediation, family group

conferencing, circling processes, and
other constructive methods of CR encourage parties to
collaborate.
6 When working with clients, be careful about using the term
collaborators. For some, this term has negative
connotations as it was used to describe people who collaborated
with the Nazis during World War II. Terms
such as team members, joint problem solvers, colleagues, allies,
and mutual support systems can be used
to avoid this pitfall.
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6. Selective Use of Styles
Given the structure of this model, you might conclude that we
should all be striving
toward collaboration. However, different conflict styles are
useful for different purposes.
Avoidance, at first glance, seems to satisfy nobody’s needs. Yet
many of us use, and could
use, avoidance strategies in certain situations. A member of a
therapy group is whispering to
a neighbor. The whispering is disruptive, but you decide to
ignore it because it is not impor-
tant enough to confront at this time. Pick your fights, as well as
your efforts at collaboration.
Collaboration has its costs: time, energy, mental fatigue.
Sometimes, avoidance is just easier
than dealing with the conflict.
Accommodation is useful when the relationship is truly more
important than the par-
ticular dispute. An involuntary client7 enters your office for the
first time and demands

a break for a cigarette. You are very busy, but you
accommodate the client. Confronting
the client now may be counterproductive until you have built
rapport. Accommodation
can be used as a strategy— if you accommodate someone now,
that person may feel more
obliged to accommodate or collaborate with you later. Of
course, accommodation can lead
the other person to continue to expect accommodations.
Accommodation is particularly
useful when the issue is much more important to the other
person than it is to you (e.g.,
your partner is Muslim and maintains halal dietary laws;
although you would like a ham
sandwich, you agree to go to a halal restaurant because your
partner’s religious beliefs are
more important than your transient preference for ham). For
some, accommodation could
represent discipline of ego (A. Schneider & Brown, 2013),
altruistically suppressing one’s
own interests to satisfy those of others.
At a certain level, competition is basically asserting your needs
and concerns (Mayer,
2015). Assertiveness can foster productive CR, as others have to
know your needs if they are
going to be able to respond effectively (Hamilton, 2013).
Assertiveness may be desirable in
situations that are inherently win- lose predicaments, with no
reasonable opportunity for col-
laboration. For instance, competition may be required to protect
yourself from immediate
dangers (self- defense) and to respond to others who act
competitively regardless of how you
behave. A landowner is planning to demolish a building, leaving
your clients homeless. You

have offered to meet with the landlord and clients to work
things out, but the landlord does not
respond. You refer the clients to a lawyer to help them with an
injunction, a court action to stop
the demolition. Unfortunately, people often resign themselves to
competition without giving
other alternatives a sufficient chance to work. As you will see
in later chapters, there are many
strategies to move people from competitive styles to more
collaborative ones. If people with
competitive styles can see that they lose nothing through
collaboration, they may be persuaded
to try it. When people behave in competitive manners, they may
not only be hurting the other
party— they may be hurting themselves, albeit unintentionally
(Rowe, 2015). Accordingly,
moving from competition to collaboration may be acting in the
person’s self- interest.
Compromising may be relatively easy when the conflict
concerns matters that are not
based on core values or principles. If a client asked to
reschedule an afternoon meeting to
8 pm, I might suggest a compromise of 6 pm. Although the 6 pm
cuts into my time for dinner
and family, I may be willing to compromise because it partially
satisfies both our interests.
If a client asked me to help her “scam Medicare” by falsifying
her records, I am not so will-
ing to compromise. Here I am being asked to compromise my
integrity, a core value. This
7 An involuntary client is a client who is required to attend
counseling or other helping services— for exam-
ple, someone convicted of a criminal offense or suspected of
child abuse who must go for counseling ser-

vices. The client would not have sought services unless there
were legal consequences or other sanctions.
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42
does not mean one should never compromise on values.
Consider Congress. Republicans
value personal responsibility. Democrats value protection of the
most vulnerable popula-
tions. Some politicians and their supporters abhor compromise,
suggesting that it is a sign
of weakness or an abdication of core values. To pass a budget,
to determine tax policy, or
to pass new laws, however, Democrats and Republicans may
need to make compromises.
They may not fully satisfy their values; however, failure to
compromise may cause gridlock
and do greater injustice to their values. Thus, principles and
values may need to be tem-
pered with pragmatism (Mayer, 2015). Collaboration can be
used to find common ground;
if the parties cannot reach common ground, then middle ground
(or compromise) may be
the next best solution (Corry, 2012).
Although conflict styles may be affected by culture, cross-
cultural and international
research suggests that the patterns of conflict styles across
different cultures and countries
may not be as distinct as once thought. Some conflict theorists
contend that American (and
western European) culture is relatively individualistic and
therefore, Americans tend to have
a higher degree of competing or collaborating styles in
comparison to people from collectiv-
istic cultures (e.g., eastern Asia). In a culture that values

individualism, people are expected
to assert their interests and strive to achieve them, whether
through competition or collabo-
ration (Wilmot & Hocker, 2014). In contrast, people from
collectivist cultures place higher
values on community and harmony; thus, they are more apt to
adopt avoiding or accom-
modating styles. These styles may demonstrate sensitivity to
others and respect for the exist-
ing social hierarchy. In eastern Asian societies, when someone
avoids confronting conflict
directly, others may help with healing wounds or resolving the
conflict in indirect ways.
Thus, what Americans might term avoidance could be
considered “saving face” by dealing
with conflict indirectly, rather than confronting in a
disrespectful manner (Oetzel & Ting-
Toomey, 2013). Some research challenges such cross- cultural
distinctions. For instance,
Tjosvold, Wu, and Chen (2010), found that the collectivist
values among the Chinese pop-
ulation does not necessarily mean a higher level of conflict
avoidance. Rather, the value for
peace and harmony may encourage people to collaborate for the
good of the community.
Gender research also shows a complex relationship between
gender and conflict styles.
Some research suggests that women from Western cultures tend
to be more accommodat-
ing than men (D. M. Kolb & Williams, 2003; E. Miller, 2001).
This tendency may result
from socialization processes in which women are encouraged to
care for their families and
men are encouraged to be successful in competitive work
environments. However, we live

in a society where gender roles and boundaries are not as strict
as in prior generations.
There is significant variability in assertiveness and cooperation
among women, as well as
among men. Although CR practitioners should be able to
recognize cultural and gender
differences, they should also be cognizant of within- group
variations and the risks of ste-
reotyping. Culture and gender may affect the way people
perceive, interpret, and respond
to conflict; however, we must be careful to avoid
overgeneralizations and to consider indi-
vidual differences.
Some theorists question whether conflict styles are fixed
personality types or predis-
positions that vary depending on the situation (A. Schneider &
Brown, 2013). Most CR
models of intervention assume that conflict styles are not fixed,
although they may be deep-
rooted. CR professionals can use different styles depending on
the needs of the situation;
they can also encourage others to shift from one conflict style to
another.
BASIC SKILLS
Skills are the doing part of CR: how you behave, how you
communicate, how you interact
with others in the conflict. Skills translate your theoretical
knowledge and value base into

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what you do in practice. All conflict interventions are based on
how you present yourself,

verbally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In this
section, I introduce communication
skills that are basic to virtually all forms of CR. In the chapters
on negotiation, mediation,
facilitation, and advocacy, I describe how to use these skills
with particular CR models and
identify other skills that are specific to each model. The
fundamental communication skills
are listening, questioning, and making statements. I also touch
on special issues for written
communication in CR.
1. Listening
Active listening refers to the intentional use of self to
demonstrate that you have heard and
understood what the speaker has said. If you listen passively,
you may have heard and
understood the speaker, but the speaker has no way of knowing
this. To engage in active
listening, strive to listen in an open, generous, and caring
manner. Suspend your opinions
(Hamilton, 2013). Remind yourself that good listening does not
require agreeing, problem
solving, or making any other commitments with the other
person. You are not asking the
other person to change. You have listened effectively if the
other person feels you are recep-
tive, understanding, nonjudgmental, and authentic (Ivey, Ivey,
& Zalaquett, 2014). Clear
your mind of distractions, so you may focus on the other person
without judgment or bias.
Active listening can be demonstrated through the use of
attending, paraphrasing, reflecting
feelings, and summarizing (Evans, Hearn, Uhlemann, &
Ivey, 2011).

Attending refers to being present with others, demonstrating
that you are with them in
mind as well as in body. Attending requires focusing on others,
rather than daydreaming or
focusing on your own thoughts and feelings. Attending skills
comprise behavioral, nonver-
bal responses to indicate listening and understanding: leaning
forward, maintaining regular
eye contact, nodding one’s head, constructive use of silence,
and so forth. Facial expres-
sions should be consonant with the messages that are being
conveyed (e.g., smiling at good
news). Utterances, such as “uh- huh” and “mm- hmm” are
attending skills, but these can be
distracting. Accordingly, utterances should be used sparingly, if
at all. Vocal qualities, such
as the pitch, pace, and fluidity, can also be used to demonstrate
interest and understanding
in what is being said.
The constructive use of silence refers to remaining quiet and
allowing a pause of at least
5 seconds before resuming conversation. Some people find the
intentional use of silence to
be the most difficult skill, particularly in conflict situations. To
novice practitioners, silence
feels like a nonresponse. However, silence is a very powerful
tool. Silence breaks up the flow
of communication. In the heat of the moment, people may need
time for feelings to de-
escalate. Silence demonstrates that you are taking time to think,
considering the meaning
of what the other person is trying to communicate or
formulating your own thoughts about
how to respond. Silence allows you to reflect and be more

mindful. It may also provide
people with time and space to think creatively. Rather than
having a mind cluttered with
words, silence permits people to think deeply and
imaginatively. Silence also gives the other
person time to think about what he or she has said. Cooler heads
may prevail. Within some
cultures, silence also demonstrates respect. Before reading on,
pause… . Resist the urge to
fill every space with words. Use silence in a purposeful manner.
Attending behaviors are particularly important in CR, because
people often mirror the
expressions and behaviors of those around them. “Smile and the
whole world smiles with
you,” goes the cliché. Though this is far from an absolute truth,
you can either escalate or
de- escalate conflict through the use of particular attending
behaviors. If someone starts to
yell, rather than raise your voice, try speaking softly. Besides
catching the other person off
guard, you are modeling the type of behavior you hope the other
will adopt. If people are
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flailing their arms in anger, restrain your own gestures. Simply
being present with the other
person may have a calming effect.
Although attending skills are important, nonverbal cues are
often difficult to interpret.
Verbal listening skills provide the speaker with explicit
feedback about how you are receiv-
ing his or her messages. Paraphrasing refers to restating what
the speaker has said in order to

demonstrate empathy. A paraphrase can be constructed with
words that are similar to those
used by the speaker or with words that are quite different but
still convey the same message.
The following exchange between an addictions counselor
(Agnes) and her client (Clara)
demonstrates how Agnes can use both types of paraphrasing.
CLARA: Don’t tell me that I have to stop drinking.
AGNES: You don’t want me to tell you that you have to stop
drinking.
CLARA: Darn right! You think it’s easy just to get up one
morning and never pick up a
bottle again.
AGNES: I guess you’re telling me that I do not know how hard
giving up alcohol would be
for you.
Paraphrasing shows people you understand what they think and
believe. By using different
words than the speaker, you can show a higher level of empathy
and show the other person
that you are not simply parroting prior statements. Reflecting
feelings is similar to paraphras-
ing but indicates you understand the person’s affect or
emotions. You can reflect feelings
that are explicit in the person’s statement or ones that can be
implied from the way the
person presents the message.
CLARA: When I come to see you, I just get more depressed.
AGNES: You feel discouraged when you come here.
CLARA [sobbing]: I don’t know what else you want from me.
AGNES: I can see how sad you feel right now.

Whereas paraphrasing restates what someone has just completed
saying, the skill of summa-
rizing refers to a condensed restatement of what the person has
said over a longer time frame.
To summarize, highlight the key messages presented by the
person throughout that period.
AGNES: Let me see if I understand what you’ve been telling
me, Clara. You don’t think
I should be telling you to stop drinking, because I do not know
how hard that
would really be. I haven’t been very helpful. In fact, you feel
more depressed since
you’ve been coming to see me. Anything else you want to add?
In addition to summarizing the content of what others have said,
you can also summarize
areas of agreement, areas of disagreement, and how the process
has been going. Summarizing,
reflecting, and paraphrasing let people know how accurately, or
inaccurately, you have under-
stood them (Billikopf, 2014). The tone and wording of your
questions should invite the per-
son to give you feedback and correct any inaccuracies. You are
not telling people what they
think or feel. You are asking (explicitly or implicitly) whether
you understand how they think
or feel. This clarifies communication, pre- empting further
conflict.
Effective listening requires accurate observation and
interpretation skills. Remember
that a simple message goes through a series of stages before you
can respond to it. When

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you hear someone speak, you need to determine what the
speaker means. Pay attention
to verbal as well as nonverbal cues. A client may call you a
“wonderful helping profes-
sional.” Depending on the client’s tone of voice and facial
expressions, you may take this as
a compliment (the client is being genuine) or as an insult (the
client is being sarcastic). To
become more deliberate about this decoding process, try to
separate your direct observa-
tions from possible interpretations.8 Tip, the Chinese word for
“listen” suggests, “We must
use both ears, watch and maintain eye contact, give undivided
attention, and finally, be
empathetic” (U.S. Department of State, n.d.). When you observe
a particular behavior, first
try to describe it in specific, concrete terms (e.g., the client is
smiling). Consider multiple
possible interpretations (e.g., the client is happy, nervous, or
hiding something). At this
point, you must suspend ethnocentric evaluation. Reflect on the
meaning by looking at
the situation from different cultural lenses or frames. You might
even check with the other
person to help you interpret his or her response (e.g., “So would
you say that you’re feeling
more content, anxious, or guarded?”).
Effective listening is absolutely crucial to CR. When faced with
conflict, people often
become defensive. They feel the need to refute the message they
received. They have an
impulse to tell their own story or give their own opinion before
they hear the other side.
This exacerbates the problem, because the other side now feels
defensive and responds in

kind, perhaps even more forcefully. Consider the following
sequence between two children
playing in a sandbox:
CHUCKIE: Hey, you threw sand in my face!
CHELSEA: No, I didn’t.
CHUCKIE: Yes, you did!
CHELSEA: No, I didn’t!
CHUCKIE: Yes, you did!
What could be better than a strong argument to win a debate?
Ironically, one of the most
persuasive techniques for persuading others is to listen to them.
Active listening demon-
strates to others that you have truly heard them. People who feel
they have been heard
are more apt to listen to you. When faced with a conflict, show
the others that you under-
stand “(a) that they feel strongly, (b) what they feel strongly
about, and (c) why they feel
strongly about it” (Gould & Gould, 1988).9 Note what happens
if Chelsea listens rather
than fights back:
CHELSEA: Hold on a minute. You’re very angry.
CHUCKIE: Yes, you’re mean.
CHELSEA: You’re very angry at me.
CHUCKIE: Of course, I’m angry.
CHELSEA: You’re angry because you think I threw sand at you
on purpose.
CHUCKIE: Well, didn’t you?
8 The process recordings for major assignments in this text will
help you with this process, asking you to iden-
tify both observations and possible interpretations.

9 The power of effective listening is beautifully demonstrated in
a video, Gould and Gould’s (1988) From
No to Yes. This film is part of an entertaining series of
management education videotapes by John Cleese.
Although the context is business, the lessons are directly
relevant to the helping professionals.
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46
You may think this example is too contrived; however, a little
active listening can move
conflict a long way toward peaceful resolution.
Remember the cultural components to communication. Words,
vocal qualities, ges-
tures, and facial expressions have different meanings among
different cultures. Familiarity
with other people’s cultures will help you interpret their
language and nonverbal behavior
so that you can convey messages in culturally appropriate
manners (Malek, 2013). For
example, active listening may be inappropriate in certain
cultural contexts. If status and
hierarchy are the norm within a culture,10 a subordinate may
offend a supervisor by using
paraphrase and reflection of feeling. Rather, the subordinate can
demonstrate interest and
respect by listening silently and using appropriate nonverbal
responses (e.g., head nods,
restrained eye contact). Once again, the point of this discussion
is not to prescribe a par-
ticular type of interaction but to raise awareness of your choice
of skills and how they can
influence dealing with conflict.
2. Questioning

23 23C hap t er on eThe Mindful Practitioner.docx

23 23C hap t er on eThe Mindful Practitioner.docx

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