For example, we walk and talk throughout our lives, but when we walk up to someone we find attractive and open our mouth to say "hello" it feels too complicated for us. People have been using phones since they were children, but just dialing a person's phone number makes them feel so much pain that you'd think they were being waterboarded. Most of us have kissed someone before, seen hundreds of movies and real-life examples of people kissing, but we still stare vaguely at the other person with starry eyes. my love for hours, telling myself that I'll never find the "perfect time" to do that.

1. It's so confusing: Why are relationships
and dating so difficult?
An inside look at why finding someone attractive to spend time with is so
difficult these days.
When you think about it, although it feels annoying, the problems people have
in dating don't sound that significant.
For example, we walk and talk throughout our lives, but when we walk up to
someone we find attractive and open our mouth to say "hello" it feels too
complicated for us. People have been using phones since they were children,
but just dialing a person's phone number makes them feel so much pain that
you'd think they were being waterboarded. Most of us have kissed someone
before, seen hundreds of movies and real-life examples of people kissing, but
we still stare vaguely at the other person with starry eyes. my love for hours,
telling myself that I'll never find the "perfect time" to do that.
Why? It sounds simple, but why is it so difficult?
We build careers, write novels, climb mountains, help strangers and friends
through difficult times, solve the world's thorniest social problems, but when
we come face to face with someone we find attractive, our hearts pound and
our minds race. And then I was dumbfounded.
Dating advice often compares improving one's dating life to
improving some practical skill, like playing the piano or learning a foreign
language. Of course there are some overlapping principles, but it's hard to
imagine most people feeling trembling with fear every time they sit in front of
the keyboard. And I've never met anyone who became bored for a week and
then couldn't conjugate verbs correctly. They are not the same.
In general, if a person practices playing the piano every day for two years,
they will become very good at it. But many people spend most of their lives,
failing in one love affair after another.

2. Why?
What does it say about this area of ​
​
life that the most basic actions feel
impossible, that repetitive behavior often leads to little or no change at all, and
that defense mechanisms? Is our psychology built into overdrive, trying to
convince us not to pursue what we want?
Why can one person conquer the corporate ladder, become a
successful CEO, demand and receive the respect and admiration of hundreds
of brilliant minds, and then be confused by the A simple dinner date with a
beautiful stranger?
Our emotional maps
As a child, none of us had our needs 100% met. This is true for you. Right for
me. True for everyone. The level at which our needs are not met varies greatly
and the nature of how our needs go unmet varies. Hence the sad truth about
growing up: we carry burdens. And some of us carry more burdens than
others.
Whether it's a parent who doesn't hug is enough, doesn't feed us regularly
enough, a father who isn't always there, a mother who abandons us and runs
away, forced to move from one school to another when being a kid and never
having any friends - all those experiences leave their mark like a series of
small traumas that shape and define us.

3. The nature and depth of those traumas imprint themselves into our
unconscious and become a map of how we experience love, intimacy and sex
throughout our lives. how.
If mom is overprotective and dad is never around, that will shape part of the
map for love and intimacy. If we are manipulated or feel tormented by our
siblings and close friends, it imprints itself as part of our self-image. If mother
is an alcoholic and father is promiscuous with other women, he will stay with
us.
If our first girlfriend/boyfriend died in a car accident or our father hit us
because he caught us masturbating - well, you get the idea. Those traces not
only influence but also define all of our future romantic and sexual
relationships as a person mature.
You, I and everyone meet hundreds, if not thousands, of people. Of those
thousands, hundreds easily meet our physical criteria for a sexual partner. But
out of those hundreds of people, we love only a very few of them. Only a few

4. people we meet throughout our lives have an impact on our psyche, where we
lose all reason and control and lie awake all night thinking about them.
It's often not the person we expect. One seems perfect on paper. Another
potential lover is super fun and they're great in bed too. But
sometimes, there's someone we can't stop thinking about, someone we return
to time and time again unintentionally.
Psychologists believe that romantic love occurs when our unconscious is
exposed to a person who matches the model of parental love we experienced
growing up. Stay true to our emotional map for intimacy. Our unconscious is
always searching to return to the unconditional nurturing we received as
children, to remake and heal the trauma we have experienced.
In short, our unconscious supports the search for interesting, romantic
qualities in a person who it believes will satisfy our unfulfilled emotional needs,
to fill the void. the love and nurturing we lacked as children. This is why the
person we love is almost always similar to our parents on an emotional level.
That's why crazy lovers say to each other, "you fill me up" or see each other
as "better halves" there. That's also why couples suffering from budding love
often act like children when they're together. Their unconscious mind cannot
differentiate between the love they receive from their girlfriend/boyfriend and
the love they used to receive as a child from their parents.
This is also why dating and relationships are so painful and difficult for many
of us, especially if we had strained relationships in our families growing up.
Unlike playing the piano or learning a language, our dating and sex
lives are inextricably linked to our emotional needs and when we find
ourselves in situations that can lead to intimate or sexual, these experiences
rub up against our pre-existing traumas, which in turn leads to us feeling
anxious, stressed and miserable.

5. So when someone rejects you, it's not just about being rejected - instead, to
your unconscious mind, you remember every time your mother rejected you or
your need to be loved. Your love is rejected.
This irrational fear you feel when you take off your clothes in front of someone
new is not only a moment of anxiety but also every time you are punished for
sexual thoughts or feelings as an adult. go up.
Don't believe me? Think about this. Someone who doesn't show up at your
normal business meeting. How do you feel? Can be angry. Maybe a little rude.
But basically you get over it very quickly and usually you go home and watch
TV and then you don't even remember it ever happened anymore.
Now, imagine someone you're strongly attracted to doesn't show up for the
date. How do you feel? If you are like most people, having struggles in this
area of ​
​
life like them, you feel like shit. Like you've had it before and now it's
happening again and again.
Why? Because being forced to climb a tree rubs against our unconscious fear
of being abandoned, fear that no one will love you and you will be lonely
forever.
Maybe you get angry, call them and leave angry voicemails. You may continue
to call them for weeks or months afterward, feeling angry over and over again,
feeling worse each time. Or maybe you're just feeling depressed and posting
sad, moody statuses about it on Facebook or some other dating forum.
Every irrational fear, emotional outburst, or low self-esteem you have in your
dating life is a trace on your emotional map from your relationships
growing up.
This is why you feel so terrified of your first kiss. That's why you freeze when
it's time to introduce yourself to someone you don't know or tell someone
you've just met how you feel about them. That's why you shut up every time
you sleep with someone new or you freeze up and feel uncomfortable when
it's time to open up and share yourself with someone.

6. The list could go on forever.
All of those problems have root causes deep within your unconscious, your
unmet emotional needs and trauma.
Separate from our emotions.
A common way we ignore dealing with the emotional stress associated with
dating is by separating our emotions from intimacy and sex. If we suppress
our need for intimacy and connection, our sexual actions will no longer rub
against our emotional maps and we can greatly reduce our neediness. and
anxiety we once felt while reaping the surface benefits. It takes time and
practice, but once we separate from our own emotions, we can enjoy sex and
the validity of dating without worrying about intimacy, connection, and in some
ways, ethics.
Here are common ways we separate dating from our emotions:
- Materialization. Objectifying a person is when you only meet them for a
specific purpose without seeing them as a whole person. You can objectify
people as sex objects, work objects, social objects, or none of the above. You
may objectify a person for sex, status or influence. But objectification is
ultimately disastrous for one's emotional health, not to mention one's
relationships.
Gender discrimination. Viewing other genders as inferior or inherently
evil/bullshit is a surefire way to project one's emotional problems onto the
general population rather than solving them themselves. Without fail, men,
who treat and view women as inferior to the "other" Some people often project
their anger and self-esteem onto the women they meet rather than address
them. This is the same for women.
Manipulation and manipulation. Because we are attracted to
manipulation and manipulation, we deny our true purpose and identity, and
therefore we also deny our emotional maps. With these strategies, the goal is
to make a person fall into the perception we create rather than who we really
are, greatly reducing the risk of digging into our buried emotional scars. past
relationships.

7. - Humorous abuse, teasing, joking. A classic strategy of distraction. Not
that jokes and teasing are always bad, but interacting with nothing but jokes
and teasing means having a conversation without saying anything important,
having fun with yourself without saying anything important. really do anything
at all and make it feel like you know each other when you really don't. This is
most characteristic of English-speaking cultures - men and women, straight
and gay - they tend to use sarcasm and teasing as a means to imply affection
rather than actually its expression.
- Nude clubs, prostitution, pornography. A way to vicariously experience
one's sexual activities through a perfect, tasteless woman, whether on a
screen, a stage or costing you $100 an hour
.
In general, the more a person's resentments are covered up, the more likely
that person is to objectify others. People who had unstable relationships with
their parents, were abandoned in a previous relationship, were tormented and
teased as they grew up - those people will likely find it easier to It's much
easier to get sucked into objectifying and measuring their sex lives than facing
their demons and getting over their emotional scars with the people they're
attracted to.
Most of us, on various occasions, separate our emotions and objectify
someone (or an entire group of people) for whatever reason.
I will say that, regardless, there is a lot of societal pressure placed on men,
especially straight men, to ignore their feelings, especially their "weaknesses"
about emotions as well as the need for intimacy and love. Society is becoming
more and more accepting for men to objectify their own sex lives and brag
about it. Whether you think it's right or wrong or doesn't matter, it is what it is.
Detaching from your emotional needs is easy. It only requires external
effort and some shallow faith. Working on problems and solving them requires
a lot of blood, sweat and tears. Most people aren't willing to dig in and put the
effort into it, but it produces much greater and longer-lasting results.
1. The biggest mistake when it comes to dealing with an excess of emotional
baggage is that those emotions will completely disappear. Studies show that
fear, anxiety, trauma, etc.

8. profoundly affect our brains in the same way that physical habits do. Just like
you get into the habit of brushing your teeth every time you wake up, you get
into the emotional habit of being sad or angry every time you feel abandoned
or redundant.
The way to change is not to eliminate those emotions or fears completely, but
instead to replace them with consciousness with higher order behaviors and
emotions.
This can only be achieved through action. There is no other way. You can't
renew your reactions in a healthy way and face your self-consciousness if
you're not out there proactively combating them. Trying to do that is like trying
to learn how to shoot a free throw with your left hand without touching the
basketball. It just doesn't work.
If you get into the habit of getting angry and leaving angry voicemails every
time someone doesn't call you back, you're not getting rid of the anger, but
instead channeling that anger into an activity. better and healthier like going to
the gym, painting or punching a punching bag.
2. Anxiety can be overcome using implementation intentions and progressive
desensitization. For example, if you're anxious in social situations and have a
hard time meeting new people, take baby steps like a child to start
participating more in social interactions. Practice saying hello to a few
strangers until you become comfortable. Then maybe ask a random person
how their day is after you say hello.
Then try to start a few conversations with people throughout your day - at the
gym, at the park, at work or wherever. Then, challenge yourself to do the
same with someone you find attractive.
The key is to do it incrementally. Setting goals too high, too soon will only
reinforce your anxiety when you fail to meet your lofty expectations. Again,
small steps.

9. Obviously this takes time and requires constantly facing situations that make
you uncomfortable, but that's the point. You must overlay the old emotional
habits of fear and anxiety with healthier habits such as excitement and
assertiveness. Consciously train yourself until whenever you feel nervous, you
force yourself to do it no matter what.
3. The final step - once you learn how to redirect your negative emotions in
constructive ways, once you reduce your anxiety and can generally act
regardless of them - then comes being clear with your dates about your needs
and starting to be selective based on them.
For example, I've always had a fear of commitment and a need for a woman
to be comfortable giving me space and some freedom. Not only am I
open to sharing that with the woman I'm committed to now but I actively select
women with those characteristics.
Ultimately, your emotional needs will only be fully met in love and a conscious
relationship with someone you can trust and support each other - and not just
your emotional problems but hers as well. that too. We unconsciously seek a
loved one to fulfill our unfulfilled childhood needs, and to do that cannot be
accomplished alone.
This is why honesty and vulnerability are so powerful in creating high-quality
interactions - the practice of talking about your wants and shortcomings will
naturally filter out the best matches. with you and connect with you.
This genuine nature changes the entire dynamic of dating. Instead of chasing,
wishing and hoping, you focus on continuously improving yourself and
presenting yourself to the beautiful strangers of this world. The right person
will pay attention and stay.
And whether you spend one night or a year with them, this increased level of
mutual intimacy and vulnerability will help heal your emotional wounds,
helping you become more confident and secure in your relationships. your

10. relationships and ultimately, overcome many of those pains, sexual tensions
and intimacy together.
An invitation for change
I invite you to take a moment and think about what the emotional concerns in
this area of ​
​
your life are, where they might come from, and how you can
move through them in an open and successful way.
Real.
For example, I grew up in a broken family where every member isolated
themselves from others and we rarely talked about our own feelings. As a
result, I became extremely sensitive to encountering any negative emotions in

11. others. I became the typical Nice Guy and for years had difficulty standing up
for myself in my relationships and around women. In fact, I objectified my sex
life a bit and indulged in some narcissistic behavior to push myself to
overcome some of those insecurities.
My fear of commitment is clearly rooted in my parents' divorce and my
unconscious reaction for many years was to run away any time a woman tried
to become intimate with me. I slowly eased that fear by opening myself up to
intimate opportunities, little by little over a long period of time.
I cannot afford to become intimate with a woman unless I have a way out (for
example, she has a boyfriend, or I will soon move to another city,...)
Spending my entire adulthood living alone with my mother made me extremely
sensitive to affection from women, and like a smoker rationalizing excuses for
one last cigarette, I often rationalize myself into intimate and sexual situations
with women who I probably shouldn't be with or don't really like as much as I
think
.
This is my emotional map - at least part of it. These were concerns and
problems that I fought and slowly defeated with years of proactive effort. It is a
fact that I express myself openly and look for suitable women who can deal
with them.