Attachment by-david-walczyk-1021

Dr. David Walczyk : 10/18/2021
drdavidwalczyk.com
Attachment in Relationships+
[a pragmatic introduction in two hours]
© 2021 - Dr. David J Walczyk

What is Attachment?
An UNCONSCIOUS SYSTEM used for AFFECT REGULATION
Attachment
Style
?
Attachment
Style
Attachment
Style

CORE
Every human being has an attachment style
There are no exceptions
The ATTACHMENT system is activated during most forms of dysregulation (not only relational ones)
Attachment is initially ADAPTIVE and then becomes DISORDERED

OUR AGENDA
I
Classic Attachment
II
Modern Attachment
III
Attachment Styles
IV
Mentalization and Trust
V
A Tool
Brief Q and A during the presentation is strongly encouraged.
That said, there is a minimal amount of information that I want to cover, and the content deepens as we progress,
so at certain points we may need to move on even if all questions have not been fully answered.

I.
CLASSICAL ATTACHMENT THEORY

Three Individuals
John Bowlby (Melanie Klein was his Analyst!)
Mary Ainsworth
Mary Main

JOHN BOWLBY (1952)
Founder of attachment
People are innately relationship seeking (SEEKING system)
People innately eek a
ff
ectionate, trusted, and supportive attachment
fi
gures
People innately seek protection and comfort in times of distress
Maternal Deprivation is a real thing with very real (longterm) negative consequences
Internal working models for relationships are formed during early childhood

KEY CONCEPTS
Attachment Behavioral System
Internal Working Models (IWMs)
Intergenerational Transference
Psychological Defenses
Surrogates

ATTACHMENT BEHAVIORAL SYSTEM
Behaviors designed to obtain and maintain proximity to attachment
fi
gures
Positive (e.g., smiling) and adverse (e.g., crying)
Internal (e.g., illness) or external (e.g., predators, separation)
Stronger and wiser
fi
gure than the self
Role reversal (child becomes parent)

INTERNAL WORKING MODELS (IWMs)
AKA schemas, mental models, algorithms
Enactments (real and symbolic)
Attachment experiences a
ff
ect people’s broader view of the world
Generalized across close relationships

INTERGENERATIONAL TRANSFERENCE
Children tend to inherent the attachment model of their parent
Behavioral Epigenetic (require trigger/s)

PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFENSES
Associated with attachment system activation and deactivation

SURROGATES
Spouse
Friend
Idols (e.g., sport and movie stars)
God
Deities
Divination (e.g., Astrology)

MARY AINSWORTH (1965)
Safe Haven
Secure Base
Strange Situation
Attachment Styles

SAFE HAVEN
The attachment
fi
gure

SECURE BASE
In the absence of a threat, using the attachment
fi
gure as a reference point
Internal (introject) or external

STRANGE SITUATION
Research method to test and determine attachment styles

ATTACHMENT STYLES
Secure
Insecure-Avoidant
Insecure-Ambivalent

MARY MAIN (1986)
Disorganized/Disoriented Attachment
Earned Secure Attachment

CLASSICAL ATTACHMENT THEORY SUMMARY
Fundamental Principles of Classical Attachment Theory…
People are innately relationship seeking
People innately seek protection and comfort in times of distress
Maternal Deprivation has signi
fi
cant and longterm e
ff
ects on development
Internal Working Models for relationships are formed during childhood
Secure Base
Four Attachment Styles
Attachment style is often intergenerational transferred

II.
MODERN ATTACHMENT THEORY

AKA Regulation Theory
AKA Interpersonal Neurobiology
A
ff
ect Regulation
Links attachment to neurobiology

ALLAN SCHORE (1995)
A
ff
ect Regulation and the Origin of the Self

DISSOCIATION AND RELATIONAL TRAUMA
Preoccupied Relational Trauma
Avoidant Relational Trauma
Disorganized Relational Trauma

AVOIDANT
Avoidant Relational Trauma
DIMINISHED AROUSAL
Hypoaroused Moderate Dissociation
via the
Parasympathetic Nervous System

PREOCCUPIED/ENMESHED/AMBIVALENT
Preoccupied Relational Trauma
HEIGHTENED AROUSAL
Hyperaroused Moderate Dissociation
via the
Sympathetic Nervous System

DISORGANIZED
Disorganized Relational Trauma
SWITCHING BETWEEN
Hypoaroused Moderate Dissociation via the Parasympathetic Nervous System
and
Hyperaroused Moderate Dissociation via the Sympathetic Nervous System

AFFECT REGULATION
The capacity for a
ff
ect regulation is optimized when
we can alternate between auto- and dyadic regulation
De
fi
cits in a
ff
ect regulation include problems with
auto-regulation (preoccupied),
dyadic regulation (avoidant),
or both (disorganized).

Peter FONAGY (2006, 2010)
Mentalization
Epistemic Trust
A bit more on this towards the end

III.
ATTACHMENT STYLES

1.
ANXIOUS/AMBIVALENT/ENMESHED/PREOCCUPIED ATTACHMENT

KEY CONCEPTS AND QUESTIONS for ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT
What Happened During Infancy?
Key Concepts
What’s Happening Neurobiologically?
Clinical Issues and Goals

WHAT HAPPENED DURING INFANCY?
Unreliable care - sometimes a
ff
ectionate sometimes neglectful
Overwhelmed by the primary caregiver (intrusive)
Learned to emphasize a
ff
ect and disregard and defense against cognition
Care that DIScouraged the development of self-regulation skills
Directly or indirectly punished for attempting to function independently
Comments that emphasize helplessness, incompetence, or weakness

KEY CONCEPT: ABANDONMENT
Anxiety of Being Abandoned
Terror of Abandonment caused by inconsistent caregiving
A tendency to focus on WHAT IS MISSING in relationships

KEY CONCEPT: INTERNAL WORLD
Fretting
Grievance
Panic
Hyper-vigilance
Rumination
LACK of Re
fl
ection
Di
ffi
cult disengaging from negative emotions
Expect others to be inconsistent and let them down
Internal world is
fi
lled with others (enmeshed relationships with ghosts)
Primary caregiver is often kept pure, perfect, and longed for
In Jungian terms the Devouring Mother is confused for the Good Mother

KEY CONCEPT: PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFENSES
Purpose is to prevent separation and avoid abandonment
Brooding
Angry protest
Coercive helplessness
Illness
to attract care and hold onto attention and love
Ego in
fl
ation
Narcissistic Grandiosity

KEY CONCEPT: LIVED LIFE
Action takes the place of thinking
Need to feel intensely in order to feel real
Relationship needs to be emotionally intense in order to feel real
Strong sense of entitlement
“Keep the Heat up” by…
Arguing
Provoking resentment
Blaming
Drawn to religion, pop psychology, new age philosophy,
spiritual practices, and astrology
(in Jungian terms symbolic surrogates for the Good Mother)
Chaotic Boundaries in relationships
Wish to be made special
Relationships tend to be more ENMESHED than INTIMATE

NEUROSCIENCE
The capacity for a
ff
Experiences HEIGHTENED AROUSAL/DYSREULATION
Hyperaroused Moderate Dissociation
via the
Sympathetic Nervous System
To REREGULATE relies on…
insecure dyadic regulation and is
underdeveloped with auto-regulation

NEUROSCIENCE
High cortisol levels which inhibit neuronal connections and neuroplasticity
AKA STRESS RESPONSE
Also in
fl
uences…
Digestion
Immune system
Mood
Sexuality
In
fl
ammation
Assertiveness

CLINICAL ISSUES
So-called Erotic Transference
Trigger your Caregiver Complex
Pushing of boundaries
To be special
To be Made an exception
Pulled into their enactments
Expectation that you will let them down and
abandon them (Mother Complex)
“Your not helping” (Reenactment!)
Flooding the frame
During session little or no time for re
fl
ection

CLINICAL GOALS
Help develop healthy a
ff
ect regulation
Create space for thought and re
fl
ection
Help with establishing boundaries
Develop mentalization
Develop self-agency
Develop epistemic trust
Develop internal resources for
Self-soothing
Downregulating from negative emotions
Modeling behavior

2.
AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT

KEY CONCEPTS AND QUESTIONS
What Happened During Infancy?
Key Concepts
What’s Happening Neurobiologically?
Clinical Issues and Goals

WHAT HAPPENED DURING INFANCY?
Caregiver/s related to them in distant rejecting ways
‘Needy’ parts of their personality were denied
Lack of sensitivity to their emotional needs
Deactivated their attachment needs because they were rejected
Self-soothing and self-stimulating
Quiet and uncomplaining
Learned to emphasize cognition and disregard and defense against a
ff
ect
Not what happened but WHAT DIDN’T HAPPEN

KEY CONCEPT: AVOID DEPENDENCY
Withdrawal from others rather than approach them
Avoid Intimacy
Assume neglect in relationship
Help is a form of weakness
Pseudo self-su
ffi
ciency

KEY CONCEPT: INTERNAL WORLD
Safeguard the internal world
Hide true feelings from self
Strong attachment to internal objects with critical parental voices
(In Jungian terms negative parental complexes)
Well-developed cognitive development (‘smart’)
Depression from perfectionism and self-criticism
Lack compassion for themselves as a child
Shame at not being lovable and therefore not accepting of themselves
Needy parts of self are attached and denigrated
Believe they deserve to su
ff
er
Sense of unworthiness
Feels that they ARE something wrong

KEY CONCEPT: PSYCHOLOGICAL DEFENSES
Against outside world getting in
Minimize the impact of unloving childhood
Editing of emotions
Intellectualization
(Banning of emotions)
Idealization
Denigration
Ego in
fl
ation (self-con
fi
dence and arrogance)
DISSOCIATION!

KEY CONCEPT: PSYCHOLOGICAL PATHOLOGIES
Antisocial
Narcissistic
Paranoid
Psychotic
Schizoid

KEY CONCEPT: EXTERNAL WORLD
Thinking takes the place of action
Likely to seek self-help
Poor relationship with their own body
Cut o
ff
from their anxiety
Di
ff
erence between what they say they are feeling and how they actually behave
Come across as very logical (not necessarily smart though)
Low in e
ff
ective problem solving
Come across as cold and unemotional
Hyperactive sexuality (to de-activate the need for attachment and intimacy)
Prone to cheating and a
ff
airs

KEY CONCEPT: EXTERNAL WORLD
Low in mutual disclosure
Low in intimacy
Assumes neglect in relationship
Expect partner to be overly demanding
Value IMPLICIT proximity but without emotional proximity (threatens autoregulation)
Not helpful in regulating others (because they are regulating themselves)
Little fear of rejection
Seldom high anger (symbolically expressed)

NEUROSCIENCE
The capacity for a
ff
DIMINISHED AROUSAL
Hypoaroused Moderate Dissociation
via the
Parasympathetic Nervous System
To REREGULATE relies on…
insecure dyadic regulation and is
underdeveloped auto-regulation
INHIBIT Cortisol absorption so often needs more of it (cortisol addiction)

CLINICAL ISSUES
Often shows up as half of a couple (couples therapy)
Not expecting help to be possible (hopeless)
Not expecting that help will be forthcoming
Help will only lead to more frustration and disappointment
Judge the therapy negatively
Little empathy for self and therapist
Constraint on closeness
Gaze aversion
Dull and lifeless (makes you feel tired)
Flat inner world, lack of imagination and fantasy
Low in insight
Underreport emotional experiences
Challenged by the disturbing feelings that accompany curiosity and uncertainty
Retreat into intellectualization or adversarial silence
Regression to dependency

CLINICAL GOALS
Create a new relationship environment (relax boundaries)
Help to recognize and mourn loses and deprivations
Help to learn how to FEEL (tolerate full range and intensity of emotions)
Learn to live with feelings they have avoided often for decades
Increase capacity to share emotions
Develop strategies for healthy a
ff
ect regulation
Help to process anxiety in letting go of their defenses
Develop re
fl
ective function
To mentalize (make sense of other peoples minds)
Develop (epistemic) trust
Increase capacity to tolerate and share emotions
Challenge critical and punitive internal objects
Provide models for and install positive internal objects
(In Jungian terms activate positive parental complexes and connection with the Self)
To come ALIVE!

3.
DISORGANIZED/DISORIENTED ATTACHMENT

FYI
What Happened during Childhood?
Key Concepts

FYI
Not a clinical diagnosis
Causes lots of problem during CHILDHOOD
Seldom the primary reason people come to psychotherapy/psychoanalysis
Most treatment deals with the EFFECTS
Brief overview here for completion…

What Happened during Childhood?
The person that provides the care was the person who harmed them
Maltreated - pattern of abuse or neglect (80% of maltreated children are disorganized)
Fright WITHOUT Solution
Child AS Parent (attempt to control their interaction with parents)

During Childhood Development CONTEXTUAL E
ff
ects
Parental unresolved loss or trauma
Parental depression
Parental dissociation
Marital discord
Poverty

KEY CONCEPT: DISORGANIZATION/DISORIENTATION
Incompatible behavior of
fl
ight and proximity seeking
leading to breakdown of organization and orientation
LACK OF STRUCTURE!

KEY CONCEPT: GROWING UP
Fear or indi
ff
erence of parent
Unable to choose between seeking proximity and avoiding the parent
Seeking proximity to strangers instead of parents
Become aggressive children
Major risk factors for child psychopathologies
Contradictory behavior

KEY CONCEPT: ADULTHOOD
Lack of consistent strategies for dealing with emotions
Externalizing problem behavior
Vulnerable to absorption and dissociation
Prefer altered states of mind
Persistently elevated cortisol levels
Aimless
‘Rudderless’
Structureless
Many of the problems of ENMESHED and AVOIDANT
(Oscillation between the two extremes)
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

CLINCAL
Most people with disorganized attachment have
severe pathologies and psychological problems
Clinically you’re not really dealing with the attachment style!
Instead you are dealing with the problems and pathologies
associated with and caused by the disorganization.
Organization precedes Attachment

4.
(EARNED) SECURE ATTACHMENT

EARNED SECURE
Developing from
INSECURE (enmeshed, avoidant, disorganized)
into
The capacity for SECURE

MAJOR COMPONENTS OF SECURE ATTACHMENT
A sense of safety and security in everyday life and in relationships
Sense of a Secure Base
(Internal or external)
Developed ability for A
ff
ect Regulation
(Alone and with others)
Developed ability to Self-Re
fl
ect
Developed ability to Mentalize
Developed ability for Epistemic Trust

IV.
MENTALIZATION AND TRUST

1.
MENTALIZATION

MENTALIZATION BASICS
The developmental capacity to apprehend our own and others’s minds
Interpret our and others behavior in terms of intentional mental states
(Needs, desires, feelings, beliefs, goals, reasons, etc.)
Failure of mentalization is marked by the tendency to misread your own mind
and the minds of others
NOT a given but a developmental ACHIEVEMENT
Acquisition is based on the quality of attachment relationships in
particular early attachments
Development of mentalization is helpful in improving both behavior
and a
ff
ective regulation.

Cognitive Process ——— A
ff
ective Process
Must be INTEGRATED
Usually one or the other system is inhibited, deactivated, or dysfunctional
and this leads to dissociations between systems and di
ffi
culties in
integrating them
Too much a
ff
ect? DYSREGULATION
Too much cognition? HYPERMENTALIZATION

In my experience…
DEPENDING ON THE ATTACHMENT STYLE:
AVOIDANT
Controlled
Internal
Self-oriented
Cognitive
ENMESHED
Automatic
External
Other-oriented
A
ff
ective

2.
Trust

THREE major TYPES of TRUST
Epistemic Trust
Epistemic Vigilance
Epistemic Freezing

EPISTEMIC TRUST
The willingness to consider new knowledge from another as
Trustworthy,
Generalizable
relevant to themselves

EPISTEMIC VIGALENCE
Self-protection against information that is considered to be
Damaging
Deceptive
Inaccurate
Limits the capacity to…
internalize (newly) acquired knowledge as safe to use to organize behavior

EPISTEMIC FREEZING
Defends against existing structures of knowledge
when considered incorrect or misleading

AVOIDANT
Too little epistemic trust and too much vigilance
As children
Withhold trust in their mother
As Adults
Trust others too little

ENMESHED/AMBIVALENT
Too much epistemic trust and too little vigilance
As Children
Too much trust in mother
As Adult
Trust others too much

DISORGANIZED
Always Vigilant
As Children
Hypervigilance
As Adults
Hypervigilance
Little con
fi
dence in their own perception (e.g., constant switching)

SECURE
Balanced Epistemic Trust
Less defensive and more con
fi
dent in opening their minds to information
and insights that challenge their existing assumptions and beliefs

V.
A TOOL

A tool I invented called
The Attachment Matrix

Thanks
and
The End.
drdavidwalczyk.com

Attachment by-david-walczyk-1021

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