1. Advice
Project: Parenting advice from a non-parent: strategic avoidance of toy purchases
Client: My sister and brother-in-law
OK, in the wake of the recent “incident” at the zoo, Uncle Matt has been doing some thinking about how to
avoid buying every last colorful, plastic piece of junk -- er, I mean toy -- that catches your child's eye.
Because wailing 3-year-olds tend to attract unwanted attention and uncomfortable looks from strangers.
While telling the child you can order the product from the Internet when you get home is a practical short-
term strategy (kind of like plugging a leaking oil well with mud and golf balls), there remains a strong
likelihood that the campaign of obfuscation will only continue once you actually get home and have to use
the computer -- at which point the child almost certainly will helpfully ask if you'd like him or her to go
grab the credit card from Mom’s purse.
Kids have amazingly selective memories that way.
So here are a few strategies I've devised to defuse a potentially explosive situation before it begins. And,
yes, these “strategies” are actually just highly imaginative lies that blatantly exploit your toddler's woeful
lack of critical-thinking skills.
But that's the kid’s problem, not yours. And you might as well outsmart the child now, while you still can.
Because it surely won't be long before he or she is outsmarting you.
Man, I'm gonna make a great parent someday.
= “That's for display only. That means it's not for sale.”
= “It was made in China. We don't buy stuff made in China, because sometimes there's poison in it.”
(Bonus: Hearing the child innocently repeat the words “Poison in it?”)
= “It was made in China, and, as consumers, we need to take a stand against that country's abysmal record
on human rights.” (It's never too soon for kids to learn about China.)
= “We can buy that if you'd like, but then we won't have any money left to pay for food for the next three
days. Are you prepared to go without food for the next three days? Yes, that includes chocolate milk.”
= “That costs a million dollars. We didn't bring a million dollars to the zoo today.”
And if the thought of all this lying still makes you a little uncomfortable?
Just think of how proud you'll be when your child is casually throwing around terms like “abysmal record
on human rights” in front of friends and relatives.
