2. In here you will find a collection of the greatest (and
worst) one liners and puns I have made over the
years. Fresh from my mind…not the internet.
Enjoy.
3. - I'm under a lot of stress when I eat. There's just too much on my plate.
- My girlfriend told me she loves me at a Bono concert. I said back, "I love U2…
- Doing math while intoxicated was a terrible idea. Never drink and derive.
- Working for free can be tough, but intern, it's worth it.
- I never betrayed my country. They arrested me for no good treason.
- R.I.P Paul Walker. You shouldn't have used unleaded gas. You should've used Vin Diesel.
- I tried to do a project on wild pigs, but it's such a boar…
- The Les Miserables movie was amazing. Anne really Hath-a-way with words.
- Wrote a test on the subject of breakfast foods. Sadly, I didn't pass the eggs-ham-ination.
- Prison guards should invest in acne medication. There’ll be less breakouts.
4. - The singer of Rolling in the Deep purchased a new computer recently. I think it was a Dell.
- Always use a clean mouthpiece when playing a brass instrument. Practice safe sax.
- Girl, you remind me of Gillette. You're the best a man can get.
- A dog that can't rap? Pitbull.
- The Croods was an amazing movie. It was a little prehistoric for my taste, but I thought I'd
cave in and see it. Turns out...it Rocks.
- I can't wait for summer. Just thinking about watching movies from my car is drive-in me crazy.
- So I have this screwdriver. Actually...it's not mine...It's Phillips
- Those who frequently misspell their words are not good people. They're the typo person you
should avoid.
- Hungry for something different? Try fluorescent bulbs. They make a great light snack.
- A big secret for my friends: I love putting chocolate spread on my food.
Do Nutella anyone ok?
5. - I put all of my information in the freezer. I love cold, hard facts.
- One Direction will be releasing a brand new book detailing their love lives. Fifty Shades of Gay.
- I saw The Conjuring for the second time. I don't know what possessed me to do that.
- I tried to take a science class at my school, but it didn't work out. There was just no Chemistry...
- I'm sorry and my bad mean the exact same thing. Unless you're at a funeral.
- Rest in peace Cory Monteith. May your music forever fill our hearts with Glee.
- Everyone's stuck in Toronto thanks to the rain. Just waiting on the flood of status updates.
- People always complain about the prices of the TTC, but I think they're fare.
- I hope no one got hit by any stray fireworks on Canada Day! Those roamin candles are a pain.
- A wise pig once told me..."I think, therefore, I ham“
- When someone tells me they don't know what 7 days are, I tell them, "That's week..."
7. - If anyone is wondering how I always have so much chocolate on me, let's just say I
have some Twix up my sleeve.
- People don't believe me when I tell them I have satellite radio. But I'm Sirius.
- I can make music out of elastics. I think I'll start a rubber band.
- I went to a martial arts party recently. There was way too much punch.
- Do all of the foreign angels work at Seven el-Heaven?
- They should put jugs on baseball fields. They make great pitchers.
- Whenever I hear the song Radioactive, I Imagine Dragons.
- Anyone who's wondering what type of bread I have with my Indian food, just know that
it's Naan of your concern.
- There was a gas leak at an electronics store in the Mapleview Mall. Don't worry, they
found The Source.
- My mother finally bought new herbs for cooking. It's about thyme.
Your reaction to
this Powerpoint
by now.
8. - I was thinking of going to skydiving school. Even if I drop out, I still pass!
- I really need to stop going into the top floor of my house. I think I have an attic-tion.
- I found an e-book inside a chocolate egg. Thanks Kindle Surprise!
- I didn't let my girlfriend watch the most recent Olympics, Sochi left me.
- Howie Mandel is starting up a new game show where the winner receives pickles
instead of money. It’s called Dill or no Dill.
- An intense fire at a mattress factory in Toronto is currently being reported in the
media. This is news I am comfortable with.
- The song Royals is a gift from heaven. Praise the Lorde.
- My friend and I always sing the same boy band songs together. We're so N-Sync.
- Beyonce will be doing a new campaign for Kellogg's Fruit Loops cereal. The new
slogan? "Follow your Knowles.“
- I couldn't watch the documentary about rivers on TV this morning. I watched the
stream instead. You right now…
9. - My last girlfriend entered a singing competition recently. I think it was the Ex Factor.
- Tommy asked me what jeans he should wear, but Hilfiger it out.
- ING Direct has changed its name to Tangerine. How Orange-inal.
- Lost your phone and its on silent? Well if you liked it then you shoulda put a ring on
it.
- I didn't destroy that cabinet on purpose, it was in shelf defense.
- Can anyone explain to me what a will is? Never mind, it's a dead giveaway.
- I usually take steps to avoid elevators.
- My friend told me how electricity was measured and I was like "watt“
- My friend was recently depressed because he thinks being black was the reason he
didn't get a new job. I told him to lighten up.
- Gwen Stefani is one of my favorite singers, No Doubt.
- A rapper asked me yesterday what the weather for the weekend is going to be. I told
him it's mostly sunny but there may be a Lil Wayne.
- My friend told me she doesn't like fashion magazines. I told her to go to Elle
10. - My friend in prison asked why I use an orange marker instead of a black one. I told her
that orange is the new black.
- Ray Rice's wife is a real knockout.
- What does a single lumberjack yells as he cuts down a tree? Tindeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeer.
- My friend told me he has ebola. I said, "A bowl of what?“
- Too many people complain about the cold. Just put on a jacket and zip it.
11. Thank you to everyone who supported my lame sense of humor over the years.
Hope you enjoyed this!
