Flip through the pages of a fake magazine as you get to know lots of embarrassing things about Carla Sparks!

1. SHITTY
BEACH BODIES!
Her Secret Wedding!
MYLIFEASA
Everythingyouneverwantedtoknow
aboutCarlaSparks
February 3, 2015
HOW MANY DOGS
IS TOO MANY?
WOMAN
Bi-Weekly

2. Paul Stoltenberg joins wife
Colleen for a cube of cheese
before they go vegan
20+ years later.
Paul Stoltenberg shows
daughter, Carla Stoltenberg
(now Sparks)
what she will look like
in 27 years.

3. The Stoltenberg Family checks
out their first computer
and works in a little magic in
days before Photoshop.

4. FAMILIES
—
THEY’RE
JUST
LIKE Carla Stoltenberg fails
at a game with one
objective: to step
over the rope.
The Stoltenberg Family
strikes a pose at the
1990 family reunion.
Side-Eye: Baby Carla
throws her brother Nathan
some serious shade.
Daniel Stoltenberg
appears uneasy
holding sister Carla.
US!

5. LITTLE SISTER
WIFE
BADASS
BEDHEAD
FASHION FLASHBACK
STRAWBERRY FRILLS
FOREVER
ALL ABOUT THAT
UPRIGHT BASS

6. GET THE LOOK:
Romp the Runway
Osh-Kosh Spring 1988 - Runway

7. Who Wore It Best?
48% 52% 73% 27%
CARLA
SPARKS
LOUIE
JOHNSON
DANIEL
STOLTENBERG
GWYNETH
PALTROW

8. “It’s a miracle I
only got
thrown in a
dumpster
once.”
Carla after
winning some
kind of award
for playing the
flute, probably.
ABOVE: puberty.
played the flute, was involved in student leadership,
and wore an orthodontic device designed to push my
jaw forward. This device attached to my braces,
which were put on my very fucked up teeth. My
teeth were fucked up because I was a thumb-sucker until
about the age of eight. SO YEAH, you can see why I was
super popular. I was the kind of kid who volunteered for
more homework. This probably came from the habit I
developed of raising my hand, a skill
I was proud to have mastered after
never talking in class for years
because I had fucking warts on my
hands and was worried that my class-
mates would see. My wart-hands,
braces, and hair tendrils brought all
the boys to the yard, and by all I mean
none.
I
I entered high school the worst combination of
bossy, style-less, and boy-crazy. I ran for (and lost)
everything available: drum major, senior class
president, junior class senator, prom court. I didn’t
give up only because I didn’t know any better. One
time, after World Geography class, a girl threatened
to stab my eyes out with a pen.
This was back in the days before bullying went
viral, though, and back before we even had Facebook
or YouTube, thank God. This is why I went through
high school pretty blissfully unaware of what people
thought of me, except when they spit on my posters
and wrote “bitch” on my notebooks. But looking at
the photo below,
wouldn’t you?
Who’s
laughing
now? Uh,
probably still
them. But it
was
gratifying to
hear that one
of my
tormenters
shit his pants
at the 10-year
reunion.

9. I Was in a
Sorority
Total Douche!
 Majored in English, minored
in Anthropology
 Worked in the English
Department, mostly
photocopying old books
 Drank a lot of shitty beer
 Was very thin in spite of
eating so much
Chik-fil-A
 Performed in the college
improv troupe
 Briefly dated that guy in the
Mountain Dew Super Bowl ad

10. Advertisement

11. City Spotlight
Chicago
Mykind
Oftown
Imitating her lifelong icon,
Carla Stoltenberg
throws her hat into the air,
blissfully unaware of how
shitty Chicago winters
can be.
Carla Stoltenberg gives
two thumbs in Grant Park,
as Barack Obama is
elected
President.
Carla Stoltenberg
pushes away the face
of her future husband
at a Chicago house party.

12. Advertisement

13. Why the government will never find me
How to do
anonymity
right.

14. MY LIFE AS CARLA PATTON
HIKING, ORGANIC FARMING, A DIFFERENT DOG, AND LOTS OF TV
Hiking &
Road Trips
Owned
these shoes
Haircut
missteps
Cool Dude dog
named McEnroe
Get your photo
taken
professionally
when you are
young and hot
Home improvement
and power tools

15. o Get into group fitness
o Go to a Florence + The Machine
concert with three other divorced
women
o Take a lover
o Get really drunk and tell people “I
buy my own diamonds.”
o Get a dog
o Get a kidney stone
o Move into an apartment
downtown
o Cut your hair very short
o Change your name
o Get a tattoo
o Get really into Whitney Houston
Sparky’s Guide
to Becoming
A Divorcée
A YEAR OF
BAD
DECISIONS

16. Advertisement
I HAT YOO
ADDUM STRAM
*DISCLAIMER: the views and opinions expressed in this advertisement
are those of its author and do not necessarily reflect the policy or
official position of Carla Sparks or POSSIBLE Bi-Weekly Magazine.

17. When you work at the
Fort Worth Museum of
Science and Industry’s
Star Wars Exhibit, you
can pose as a broke-ass
Princess Leia for photos.
The Sheriff’s Log in
your own backyard:
Carla Patton takes
calls at The Leader,
Port Townsend’s
newspaper.
Carla Patton, Austin’s
palest Segway Tour Guide.
Working in the copy department
at zulily, hiding this baby in desk
drawers was a favorite pastime.
Do you accept this prose?
Jake Pavelka’s season of
The Bachelor put Carla
on the TV Recapping map.

18. 10. I was really affected by the deaths of
Whitney Houston and Corey Monteith.
11. I’m trying to watch every Sandra
Bullock movie within the year.
12. I got an extended cable package just
to watch Lindsay on OWN.
13. I love concert documentaries.
14. I got the same score on the SATs
as Jessie Spano.
15. I worked at a salon called “Bradz”
for two weeks in Austin.
16. I’m terrified of accidentally calling
adults “Mom” or “Dad.”
17. I got whiteboard cleaner in my eye and had to
wear an eye patch for two weeks in second grade.
18. I hate fruit.
19. I know two of the current cast members on SNL.
20. I once stopped seeing a guy because he
thought the GEICO camel commercial was
funny.
21. I have 28 cousins on my dad’s side of the
family.
22. I once auditioned to be on The Bachelor.
23. I know how to play eight different
instruments.
24. My favorite things to watch on Netflix are
documentaries about children in show business.
25. I just can’t get into TheWestWing.
1. I have over 40 pairs of shoes.
2. My favorite Lifetime
Original Movie is
An Officer and A Murderer.
3. I have almost drowned
three times.
4. I used to collect rocks
andTreasureTrolls
5. My favorite food
is French Fries.
6. I peed my pants within
the last six months.
7. One summer I worked at Hollister.
8. My favorite drink is a French 75.
9. I’ve dated at least four guys named Jeff.
4
Find Carla on
her couch
Mondays at
8pm
10
8
22
17

19. TELEVISION
MOVIESI LOVED RECENTLY
 The Skeleton Twins
 Obvious Child
 The Heat
 La Bare
I WILL KEEP WANTING TO TALK ABOUT
 The Fall
 Outlander
 The Affair
 Togetherness
 Transparent
 The Bletchley Circle
 Damages
 Celebrity Apprentice
 The Sisterhood:
Becoming Nuns

20. DARTH VADER?
More like the
Death Star!
“This bulky sweater
just makes Edison
look heavier.”
BUSTED!
Edison tries lipstick,
and likes it!
“Would love to see
him in a cooler shade,
but the orange is fun
for summer.”
PUPPY IN A
PURSE!
“Noodles comes
off as desperate
here and that’s
never a good look.”
GET A ROOM!
Noodles and Edison make
their private moment public!
“Didn’t we decide PDA was
NOT HOT in the ‘90s?”