What works better? Self-Esteem or Shame?

1. Volksrust Recorder - Column / Rubrieke8 Recorder 19 May 2017
Whyselfesteemisdangerous
andshameisagoodthing
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YourStory
With Jacques de Villiers
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Monday-Friday: 07:00-17:30
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Behind every great name,
there is a greater meaning
Mr John Oscar Kubeka
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call: 072 0796 796. Facebook: JOK
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JOK Inspirational
Life without a vision will not give you a
great name or meaning. To prosper in life
you must first lay a good foundation for
you to build a proper empire. Do not loose
hope or courage. Work according to your
plan. Many people try to follow other
people’s plan, lives and dreams, forgetting
that each of us were given a meaningful
task to accomplish. In order to claim a
great name you must dedicate
commitment, muscles and hunger to reach
success. No weapon formed against you
shall prosper or try to stop your way to
success. I believe you will reach your
destination just put all your trust in the
Lord. Many people went through difficult
situations in order to get what they wanted.
Try hard even though at times it seems
impossible but persevere if you want to
have a great name. At the end of each
tunnel and challeng is a beautiful smile and
determination where the sun rises. Don’t
blame yourself, successful people went
through the same challenges therefore
don’t expect any magic if you want to be
successful. Climb each step with respect,
honour and boldness and believe in
everything you set out to succeed. If you
need a great name you must be willing to
sacrifice, invest and work hard to be able
to cross over the river of failure to reach
success.
There are many books and articles written
on how important it is to have a positive self
esteem. On the face of it, it does make sense
to have confidence in ones own worth and
abilities. It does make sense that one should
have self-respect if one is to claim one’s place
in the world. But I’m not sure that the
proponents of a “good” self-esteem have
thought it through. There are two types of
self-esteem: high self-esteem and low-self
esteem. Both are dangerous at the extremes.
High Self-Esteem. There’s a school of
thought that says ‘fix yourself first before
you try and fix others’. Of course, this
assumes that the person fixing him or herself
actually cares about others. History has
shown that there are many people who have
‘fixed’ themselves. They have a high self-
esteem and high sense of self-worth. Some
of these have turned out to be megalomaniacs
and mass murderers. Genghis Khan, Attila
the Hun, Adolph Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Pol
Pot and Robert Mugabe are examples. These
are the extremes of a good self-esteem. At
these extremes, one dehumanises. Others
become but a number or a thing. It’s easy to
dehumanise.Ageneral in the army can wipe
out thousands of his own troops by moving
pieces on a map. Because he’s separated
from the troops on the ground, he doesn’t
feel a thing. In the Great War (1st World
War), Winston Churchill championed an
attack on the Gallipoli Peninsula. He planned
to smash the Turks. This campaign turned
into a disaster.The British troops were forced
to evacuate 9 months later. The tally: 46 000
dead British soldiers and 65 000 dead Turkish
soldiers. Both sides had around 250 000
wounded. Churchill moved onto greater
things and was the architect of even more
slaughter. How many surgeons, CEO's and
presidents do we know who have a ‘God
complex’ and dehumanise those they’re
supposed to serve? Of course, before we
throw stones, let’s check ourselves and see
how we deal with others. Have you ever
seen a beggar at a robot as an irritation and
a thing that needs to be avoided? If so, then
you have dehumanised this soul. Is there a
potential Hitler waiting to come out? The
way I sometimes dehumanise people makes
me an incubator for a Hitler, Stalin and Pol
Pot. I hate looking at my own frailty ... but
it’s the only thing that keeps me grounded.
Low Self-Esteem. The other end of the scale
is low self-esteem. This is where we
humanise too much. This is where every
obstacle is seen as a personal attack. Low
self-esteem people don’t take responsibility
for their own actions. They will ascribe their
poor fortune to the deeds of others. This
quote by Eleanor Roosevelt serves me well:
“No one can make you feel inferior unless
you let them.” Low self-esteem people
cannot contribute towards others either.
They’re as self-absorbed as a person with a
high self-esteem.And, they’re as dangerous.
They may not kill thousands of people like a
mass murderer. But they’re slow poison and
their negative view of the world and
themselves is like a cancer. It’s a cancer that
spreads and can infect anyone that comes
into their space. I have a notion that we all
swing from high to low self-esteem. When
things are going well, we think it’s because
of our efforts and we become arrogant. We
forget that we stood on the shoulders of
giants and that’s why we are where we are.
There were many people who conspired to
make us successful. When things go badly
for us, we blame others for our situation.
We don’t take responsibility for our own
role in our demise. IsThereABetter Option?
So, is there a better option than focusing on
self-esteem? Yes. It’s called the ‘high
estimation of others’. And, it comes down
to two chemicals that are in us. They’re the
so-called selfless chemicals: Serotonin and
Oxytocin. Serotonin is produced when we
feel respected, admired, and given
preferential treatment. It boosts our
confidence and makes us feel great.
Oxytocin is produced from emotional
bonds and physical touch. We all have a
need to be held in high esteem by others.
This encourages us to go the extra mile so
that we can get praise from others. The more
people that appreciate us the more we do
for them. I’ve heard that the #1 motivator
for employees is recognition. This makes
sense and I suppose what’s appreciated,
appreciates. Eons ago when a hunter
brought in a deer for his tribe, massive
praise was heaped on him. He was helping
the tribe survive and thrive. The Serotonin
and Oxytocin surge he felt connected him
even more to the tribe. It made him even
more loyal. And, this made sure that he
would go out and hunt again so that he
could get another chemical high. The tribe
respected and admired him (Serotonin).
When he was in the privacy of his hut with
his mate, the love was deeper and the sex
was more awesome than usual (Oxytocin).
A Secret Weapon. Besides giving the
hunter respect and sex, the tribe had a
secret weapon. A weapon that is today
employed in crack military units like the
Marines, SAS and our own Recces. It’s a
weapon that was employed as far back as
when we stood erect 50 000 years ago.
Shame. To be shamed was as bad as being
dead. Nobody wanted to let the tribe down.
No soldier wants to let his comrade down.
No man wants to let his country down. No
father wants to let his family down. Self-
sacrifice for the other brings honour and
esteem. Cowardice brings shame and exile
to the perpetrator and his family. Pay the
Piper. It’s clear that there is a price to pay
for being part of a tribe, family, team,
company and country. That price is
contribution. If you don’t exist to protect
and help your tribe survive and thrive, you
don’t exist. You will be exiled. Eons ago,
being exiled was a death sentence. If you
didn’t have the protection of the tribe, you
and your offspring would die in the
wilderness. Today, our reputation is vital.
To lose our good name is as good as being
exiled. In essence, it stands between us and
starvation. The penalty for not contributing
to our tribe is shame, exile and death. Think
on it ... if we don’t contribute positively to
our company, we’re fired. If we don’t produce
for your family we’re exiled to the couch - no
sex, no respect and no love. Once we reach
this stage and lose the good estimation of
our fellow human, it’s a downward spiral.
Our self-esteem takes a hammering, we lose
our pride and our drive. Where do we end
up then? Drunk, drugged, depressed or dead.
Of course, there’s the exception to that rule
and that’s those with a high self-esteem and
narcissitic tendencies. They don’t care
about the high estimation of others. They’re
in it for themselves.. They’re on this planet
to get and not to give. They feel no shame
and thus feel no pain of exile like a normal
human being would. They’re dangerous.
They live amongst us ... those that think they
are gods. Take our own precious South
Africa. We have the likes of a Jacob Zuma,
Brian Molefe and Hlaudi Motsoeneng,
amongst others. They think they rule from
Mount Olympus (or at least Luthuli House)
like Zeus, Apollo and Poseidon. There’s
nothing wrong with their self-esteem. They
don’t have the ability to feel shame because
they don’t care for their tribe. When they
told that first lie and took that first bribe,
they were on a downhill slope. They’re
impervious to shame. They don’t care what
others think of them. They’re narcissistic
and selfish. And that makes them
dangerous. The trick is to understand that
most of us get our power from the high
estimation of others. This leads to more
positive action. High estimation of others is
more likely to get us off our backsides than
having a God complex or an inferiority
complex. So, focus on contributing to the
other. Forget about ‘what’s in it for you’and
figure out ‘what’s in it for them. Seek the
high esteem of others. When you do this,
you’ll derive more pleasure than you ever
thought you could. You’ll be driven,
purposeful and passionate. And, best of all,
you’ll be useful. To seek our own esteem is
folly and can only lead us into exile. I prefer
to be useful, happy and fulfilled. How about
you?
~Jacques de Villiers ~
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