When a parent has cancer the whole family experiences the trauma of the diagnosis and it can have untold affects on our children and our relationships with our children. Join us and our guest speaker Haley Pollack, Co-Founder and Executive Director of Bright Spot Network, to learn some ways to remain connected to your children while you are navigating a cancer diagnosis, its treatment, and its aftermath. There will be plenty of time to talk with others who are also navigating their own changing relationship to their children in the shadow of their cancer diagnosis.

1. When Cancer Changes our
Relationship with Our Children
Haley Pollack (she/her)
Executive Director and Co-Founder, Bright Spot Network
SHARE Cancer Support
May 15, 2023

2. Agenda
● About me
● About Bright Spot Network
● Impact of Cancer on a Family
● What Does Your Child Need?
● Ways your Child Might Respond
● Talking to you Kids
● Ways to Cope
● Ways to Connect

3. About Me

4. Mission
Bright Spot Network provides young cancer survivors who are parents
of small children with a safe space for individual and familial healing,
recovery, and reconnection.

5. Our Support & Care Programs:
Bright Reads
Bright Box
Bright Grants
Support Groups
Kids Connections
Webinars & Wellness Workshops
Family Resource Navigation
Web Resources

6. How do I tell them?
What do I tell them?
How do I protect them?
How do I shield them from THIS?

7. Impact of Cancer on the Family
● According to a 2011 study on parental cancer:
○ Estimated 2.85 million US children less than 18 years of age are
living with a parent who has been diagnosed with cancer.
○ “...children’s health and functioning are closely tied with those of
their parents, [and] the young offspring of these survivors are at
increased risk for problems in emotional, social, cognitive,
behavioural, and physical functioning domains.”
(Weaver, et al., 2011)

8. Impact of Cancer on a Family
● Cancer “turns up the volume of what is already there” (Stress
Pileup)
○ Financial stress and access to resources
Especially true for young families
○ Financial and workplace stress
○ Support circle (ie.e single parent families, no local
family/friends/community, etc.)
○ Mental illness & substance use
○ Additional medical issues
○ Strained relationships
○ Poor family communication
○ Low self-esteem

9. What is Working?
● Established sense of trust and belonging
● Strong family and peer bonds
● Emotional vocabulary and expression
● Family functionality pre-cancer
● Connection to outside support
● Resilient characteristics

10. “The greatest gift you can give your children is not protection from change, loss, pain, or
stress, but the confidence and tools to cope and grow with all that life has to offer them.”
Wendy Schlessel Harpham, MD, “When a Parent Has Cancer: A Guide to Caring for Your Children” (2004)
“Our job is to walk with our children through their difficult moments with connection and
empathy, allowing them to feel, to be active participants in problem-solving, and to discover
the depth of their own capacity. It’s out of our deep love for our children that we want to
protect them, but their capacity will be greater if we allow that love to lead us to our own
courage, so that we can feel strong enough to let them discover their own strength.”
Daniel J. Siegel, MD & Tina Payne Byson, PhD, “The Yes Brain: How to Cultivate Courage, Curiosity, and
Resilience
in Your Child” (2018)

11. What do your Children Need?
● Safe, reliable and compassionate caregivers
● Consistent routines and structure
● Open, honest and developmentally-appropriate communication

12. What do your Children Need?
● Parents have a unique expertise on their children
○ Bring in professionals and expert information for support, but filter through your gut
● You may not have all of the answers to their questions, but your presence,
attention, and willingness to talk is most important.
○ Role modeling your big feelings and coping tools are invaluable
● Honesty really is the best policy

13. How Might Your Children Respond
Infants & Toddlers
● More tantrums than usual
● Changes in sleeping
● Changes in eating
● Increased Separation Anxiety

14. How Might Your Children Respond
Preschool
● Regressive behavior (i.e. accidents
even if toilet trained)
● Short and intense bursts of emotion
● Asking the same questions about
cancer over and over again
● Separation anxiety
● Playing it Out: playing with themes of
doctors, nurses, medicine, etc

15. How Might Your Children Respond
School Age
● Regression: Acting younger than they are (i.e. baby talk or wetting the bed)
● Worrying about the person living with cancer as well as others (i.e. fear that others
will become sick)
● Asking questions related to physical changes (i.e. hair loss, scars, bandages, etc.)
● Showing anger if normal day-to-day routine is changed because of cancer (i.e.
parent unable to drive to dance practice because they are too tired)
● Separation Anxiety
● Playing it Out: playing with themes of doctors, nurses, medicine, etc
● Distancing themselves from the sick parent because of fear or discomfort

16. How Might Your Children Respond
Middle School
● Showing anger if normal day-to-day routine is changed because of cancer (i.e.
parent unable to drive to dance practice because they are too tired)
● Hiding feelings from family and friends
● Worrying that others will become sick
● Showing fear and sadness as anger, and often directing it at family members
● Feeling embarrassed by the sick parent because they are different

17. How Might Your Children Respond
Teenagers
● Struggling between remaining close to family while also trying to
gain independence as a teenager
● Showing fear and sadness as anger, and often directing it at family members
● May not share feelings or talk openly with family or friends about the
cancer experience
● Taking out frustrations or anger on family members

18. Signs of Distress
● “Is my child functioning in her life?”
● Disturbances in the big four:
○ Development (especially for young children)
○ School
○ Sleep
○ Eating
● Persistent change in mood or patterns of behavior
○ Exploding/Withdrawing

19. Professional Support
Individual and Family Therapy
● Look for therapist who is trained in family systems, children and chronic
illness

20. Talking to Kids
● Cancer is not your fault.
○ No behavior, words, or thoughts made someone get cancer.
● Cancer is not contagious.
○ Try to avoid using the word “sick” in describing cancer, since it makes kids think of
the cold, flu or COVID.
● No matter what happens, you will be loved and cared for.
○ This requires parents truly make a plan.

21. Talking to Kids
● Any question is okay to ask.
○ Create a safe space to talk.
● You will be kept informed.
○ You may need time to process it yourself first, make a plan, and/or rehearse.
○ “Tell them enough, not everything” (Harpham, 2004)
● I will always be honest with you.
○ If you don’t know, say so.

22. Talking to Kids
● Developmentally appropriate
● Avoid euphemisms
● Unique kids, special approaches
● Showing emotions
● Expect the unexpected
● Managing Your Message
● Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

23. “Life is not fair. Life hurts. Life is good. These three seemingly incompatible
expressions are really three parts of the whole of living. They are threads
woven through the tapestry each one of us creates as the visible expression of
our being a part of humanity. To accept these three is not to abandon hope or
optimism, or to deny our real grief. To accept them is to rid ourselves of the
unnecessary suffering that comes from struggling against these three truths
and trying to make them something they are not.” (Coloroso, 2000).

24. Ways to Help Kids Cope
Schedules
● Gives kids the opportunity to know
what to expect–decreases anxiety
● Empowerment
mightyandbright.com

25. Ways to Help Kids Cope
Play, play, play:
● Have variety of toys, including items other than dolls that can
represent people, play money (financial worries), houses or building
structures, medical equipment
“Play reflects an emotional reality, not an exact retelling of real events.
Your child is likely playing out the story just the right way for her own
needs.” (Rauch & Muriel, 2006).

26. Ways to Help Kids Cope
Artistic expression
○ Individually and as a family
○ Variety of modalities & mediums
○ (writing, collage, paint, clay, sculpture)
○ Prompts:
■ Family drawings
■ Play-doh monsters (fears/control)
■ Family flag/crest (safety/cohesion)

27. Ways to Help Kids Cope
Mindfulness
● Breathing
● Guided imagery
● Yoga
● Mindfulness Jars
Information
● Children’s books about
cancer, treatment, death &
dying
● Kid-friendly glossaries

28. Ways to Connect
Parenting from the Couch
● Ask your kids to help
● Watch TV or listen to a podcast together
● Read together
● Play games
● Cuddle
● Check out the book “Horizontal Parenting” by Michelle Woo

29. Ways to Connect
Intentional Time
● 10 minutes a day (phone down)
● Physical connection
● Quality not quantity
● Do something together (i.e. go to the movies… do something where you
don’t need to TALK)

30. Ways to Connect… Around Cancer
● Reading kids books about cancer
● Medical Play
● Taking an older child to the clinic with you

31. Feedback from Parents and Children
“It changed my relationship with my mom. We don’t focus on little things we used to fight about.
Like doing the dishes. If she would ask me, normally I would have started an argument. And
now, I just do the dishes” (college student, child)
“I think it brought my mom and me a lot closer. We’re buddies, great friends. Cancer makes
you realize that you definitely don’t know what you have until it’s tone, or it’s almost gone.”
(child)
“Cancer fast-tracked the growing up process. An appreciation for days and time together was
embraced. We no longer complained or focussed on things that didn’t really matter. We talked
more openly and valued family time much more.” (parent)
“My daughter is more sympathetic to those that are experiencing a similar situation. It’s
definitely taught her empathy.” (parent)
“We understand the importance now of being in the present and doing what we can when we
can as a family.” (parent)

32. THANK YOU!
Haley Pollack
Executive Director, Bright Spot Network
haley@brightspotnetwork.org