1. BLACK SCREEN
JAMES
(O.S.)
This is definitely not going to
work.
NEIL
(O.S.)
Shut up, man. Of course it will
work.
JAMES
(O.S.)
How is she not going to realise?
NEIL
(O.S.)
She won't realise. Plenty of people
wear bluetooth headsets.
JAMES
(O.S.)
I haven't seen anyone wear one in
at least 10 years.
NEIL
(O.S.)
So what? It's retro, girls are into
that.
JAMES
(O.S.)
Nah, Neil. I can't do it, mate.
Thanks for your help but I'm on my
own here.Â
INT. A NICE RESTAURANT - EVENING
James hangs up on Neil. James, approximately 18 years old,
sits alone at a restaurants booth. He is wearing a suit and
tie. He looks awkward, uncomfortable and alone. Clearly
nervous, he constantly adjusts his tie, checks his watch and
checks his underarms for sweat. He stares down at the table
and plays with his napkin, muttering nervously under his
breath.
JAMES
Pull yourself together, man. Come
on, James. You can do this.
A shadow falls over him and he looks up with shock. We see
Liza, also around 17 or 18. She's a cute, girl-next-door
type. Not knockout gorgeous but pretty and friendly. She's
not quite as smartly dressed as James, but she is wearing a
modest dress and light makeup. She looks at James, slightly
nervous about catching him talking to himself.
LIZA
Uh, sorry I'm late. The train was
delayed.
JAMES
2. (stammering)
No, no, don't worry. Hi. Hi, hey,
how are you?
James leaps up to take her coat, before realising there's
nowhere for him to put it, so he simply hands it back to
her.
LIZA
I'm fine. And you?
JAMES
Yeah, good, yeah.
He gestures to her seat awkwardly and she sits, him
following suit opposite her.
There is a silence.
LIZA
So,
JAMES
(simultaneously)
I-
LIZA
Sorry, you go.
JAMES
Uh, thanks for coming. Sorry, I
didn't, I mean. Um, I wanted to ask
in person, but, um, You know, it
was easier... Over text.
LIZA
Oh, don't worry. Thanks for asking.
JAMES
Yeah. Uh, no, it's... you're
welcome.
Another silence.
JAMES
So, uh, what were you going to say?
LIZA
When?
JAMES
You know, just now.
LIZA
Oh... Uh, sorry, I can't remember.
JAMES
Oh, cool. I mean, uh, yeah. That's
fine.
Pause.
JAMES
I, uh, I bought you this.
3. He picks up a red rose from the bench next to him and hands
it to her.
LIZA
Oh, thank you... That's really
sweet of you.
JAMES
(blurting out)
I don't love you.
LIZA
What?
JAMES
Well, uh, I read that you give red
roses to someone if you, you know,
love them. So if you thought that
meant I love you, I don't. I mean,
not now. Uh, not yet.
Liza looks at him, slightly shocked. He can't bare the
silence and so carries on talking.
JAMES
They only had red roses at the
shop. I, uh, I wanted pink, that
means I appreciate and respect you.
Which, uh, I do.
Pause.
LIZA
Thank you.
JAMES
No, you're welcome, that's fine.
I'm going to the bathroom.
He practically leaps off the seat and hurries away, leaving
a perplexed Liza staring at the red rose in her hand.
INT. RESTAURANT BATHROOM - EVENING
James storms into the bathroom, breathing heavily. He
punches the wall next to him and buries his head in his
hands.
A pause while he gathers his thoughts. He pulls out his
phone and calls Neil.
NEIL
(O.S.)
Hey, man. How's it going?
JAMES
Shit.
NEIL
(O.S.)
Oh. Too bad.
JAMES
4. Seriously, Neil. This sucks. I
really like her.
NEIL
(O.S.)
Oh.
A pause.
JAMES
I'll have to use the headset.
NEIL
Fine. Just say what I say and don't
make it too obvious.
INT. A NICE RESTAURANT - EVENING
James sits down opposite Liza. He's wearing a bluetooth
headset. We can immediately see the change in him. He seems
confident and relaxed. Instead of wearing his suit jacket,
he's carrying it over his arm. His sleeves are rolled up and
he's loosened his tie a bit.
Liza looks up from her phone, confused by the sudden change.
JAMES
Sorry.
LIZA
No worries.
JAMES
(gesturing to her phone
playfully)
I'm away for 2 minutes and you're
already texting your side guys?
LIZA
(laughing)
No. I was wondering if you'd
ditched me.
JAMES
Ditch you? Babe, you're adorable.
Why would I ever ditch a girl like
you?
Liza looks down at the table, blushing and smiling. James
leans over and takes her hand. She looks up, a sparkle in
her eye. She likes him.
INT. NEIL'S ROOM - DAY
James sits cross-legged on Neil's bed, using a textbook to
write notes, obviously some kind of homework. Neil is
sitting next to him, doing the same.
Neil seems like a calm, confident and friendly guy, a good
friend.
NEIL
(without looking up from his
notes)
5. So how'd it go?
JAMES
Good, yeah. Really good.
Neil puts his pen down and looks pointedly at his friend.
NEIL
You don't sound that enthusiastic.
Didn't you do what I said?
JAMES
Uh, yeah. I did.
NEIL
But?
JAMES
It went really well. But, uh, she
tried to kiss me.
A pause.
NEIL
Nice.
JAMES
It wasn't, I kinda ran away.
NEIL
(interested, wistful)
You didn't want to kiss her?
JAMES
Course I did. But, you know.
Nervous.
NEIL
Oh.
Neil goes back to his work, apparently lost interest.
JAMES
So what do I do?
NEIL
How should I know?
JAMES
Well, like... How... Do you kiss,
you know. Well.
Neil looks at James' earnest, vulnerable face and sighs.
NEIL
I'll show you.
JAMES
What? Why? How?
NEIL
I'll kiss you. Because I care about
you and I want you to be happy with
Liza.
6. JAMES
But I'm not gay.
NEIL
Neither am I, you twat. I'm doing
this as a favour.
JAMES
So this isn't a gay thing?
NEIL
Obviously not. It's a mates thing.
JAMES
Well, okay. I guess.
Pause.
NEIL
So, you need to take the back of
her neck.
James takes the back of Neil's neck. He's clearly
uncomfortable.
NEIL
A bit tighter.
James does as he's told.
NEIL
Look into her eyes. Tilt your head.
Take her waist with your other
hand. Then kiss her.
The two kiss.
INT. JAMES' ROOM - EVENING
James and Liza sit on the bed clearly watching a movie.
James is wearing the headset.
NEIL
(O.S.)
Have you got your arm around her?
James puts his arms around her, which she responds to by
looking up at him smiling.
NEIL
(O.S.)
You haven't kissed her yet, have
you. Kiss her, you pussy.
James does.
EXT. THE SOUTHBANK - AFTERNOON
Liza and James walk along the beautiful London Southbank,
hand in hand.
Liza excitedly points out sights and James smiles, often
touching his headset before replying.
7. EXT. THE PARK - DAY
Cute couple montage cliches.
EXT. THE BEACH - DAY
James and Liza sit on a blanket on the beach, huddled up
together under another blanket, looking at the sea.
Cut to cute little montage of cliche, couple frolicking on
the beach type activities, except involving the headset at
all times. James even runs in the sea in trunks, still with
his headset on.
INT. JAMES' ROOM - EVENING
James and Liza lie on James' bed watching another movie. He
has his arm around her.
LIZA
James?
JAMES
Yeah, babe?
LIZA
I wanna tell you something.
Something important.
NEIL
(O.S.)
Oh shit, that's not good. Pause the
movie.
James reaches for the remote and pauses the movie.
JAMES
What is it?
Liza looks up at him, nervous and scared.
LIZA
The thing is... Well. I... I love
you.
James looks at her in shock. Happy shock, like he can't
believe his luck. He gives her a brilliant smile and opens
his mouth to return.
NEIL
(O.S. desperate, panicked)
Don't say it!
James pauses and Liza stares at him, desperate for him to
say it back.
NEIL
(O.S. fiercely)
Don't you dare, man. Way too soon.
Don't be so fucking eager.
James hesitates, before deciding to ignore Neil.
8. JAMES
I-
NEIL
(O.S.)
James! When have I ever been wrong
with this girl?!
James hesitates again, but then sighs, clearly giving into
Neil.
JAMES
That's really sweet of you.
Liza looks at him, clearly hurt.
INT. JAMES' ROOM - DAY
Black screen.
LIZA
(V.O. angry)
It's been months, James. You
haven't said you love me, you
haven't even said you enjoy being
with me.
Pause.
LIZA
(V.O.)
James, listen to me for fuck's
sake!
James' POV - he opens his eyes and sees Liza standing
angrily over his bed.
We see James lounging on his bed, as always his headset on.
NEIL
(O.S.)
Tell her to calm the fuck down.
JAMES
Liza, you need to calm down.
LIZA
No, I don't need to do shit. You
need to take that stupid headset
off for 5 seconds and pay attention
to me. No one ever calls you on it,
you just walk around looking like a
twat that's living in the 2005 or
something.
NEIL
(O.S.)
I'll tell you I love you when I'm
ready.
JAMES
I'll tell you I love you when I'm
ready, babe.
9. LIZA
Don't 'babe' me. When are you going
to be ready? Do you even like me?
NEIL
(O.S.)
Insecure bitch.
JAMES
Neil-
LIZA
Oh, always Neil. This is about you
and me. You're not in a
relationship with Neil.
JAMES
(standing up)
Fuck's sake, Liza. Stop being so
goddamn insecure.
LIZA
It's kind of hard not to be
insecure when your boyfriend acts
like he doesn't want to be around
you half the time.
JAMES
Liza-
LIZA
No, I'm sick of it. You take like
10 seconds to reply every time I
say anything, it's like you don't
even listen or don't want to talk
to me.
James sighs and touches the headset, looking for help from
Neil.
LIZA
(cont.)
That fucking headset!
She rips it off his head and tosses it across the room.
Time slows down for James. This is the first time in months
he's been 'alone' with her. She stares at him, hurt and
furious. His breathing speeds up as he tries to think of
something to do.
He slaps her, hard.
INT. JAMES' ROOM - EVENING
James is on the phone to Neil. He looks distraught, like
he's been crying for hours.
JAMES
No way am I gonna get her back,
Neil. I slapped her round the face
for fuck's sake. She's never going
to speak to me again.
10. INT. NEIL'S ROOM - EVENING
Neil is on his laptop, talking to James on the phone.
NEIL
I won't lie to you. She probably
won't speak to you again.
JAMES
(O.S.)
God, what do I do?!
NEIL
It's for the best to be honest. I
reckon you'll be way happier now. I
didn't like her much.
We see what's on Neil's computer... A Google search for 'how
to tell if you are gay'.
