A creative writing piece modeled after Jonathan Swift\'s satirical essay a Modest Proposal.

1. Adam Benson<br />Persuasive Writing <br />Professor Kutney<br />March 6, 2009<br />Silent but Deadly<br />In recent years, society has realized that fossil fuels are a harmful, insufficient and an expensive source of energy to fuel the future. As stated by Harrington, oil prices are likely to reach and never fall below 100 dollars in two to three years (Par. 24). Because of this realization, much research is being put towards harnessing new and more reliable energy sources. Although this research is a great idea, little results are being produced. According to Wald, over 148.4 billion dollars were invested in alternative energy sources in 2007, yet renewable energy accounted for only 7% of consumption in the United States (Par. 3). This is very detrimental to the economy and the health of our planet. To reduce the wasteful spending and lessen the strangling effects of burning fossil fuels we need to look into fueling our nation with human methane. <br />I propose an alternative energy source of human methane. This innovative idea can be put in place with little money invested and can benefit many. People would go to gas clubs and would pay no cover charge to enter. Enclosed rooms would be filled with a bean buffet and chairs with vacuums on the bottom of them. Club goers would have a personal DJ and party with others and eat beans. When they feel gas starting to build up they sit down and release the built up methane. The vacuum then pulls the gas through a labyrinth of tubes to a gigantic fire. This fire in turn heats up water, which evaporates into steam and spins turbines creating a renewable energy source.<br />One reason this would be a beneficial change is that it would lessen the cost of energy. Instead of paying “out of your ass” for your energy bill you would be paying with your ass. Having these clubs in place would create a higher supply of energy to keep up with the always increasing demand. This in turn would keep energy rates at or below their current rates. Although there would be an operating cost for the gas clubs, mainly paying for the beans and the DJ, it still would be economically efficient to run. Along with the lower monetary cost this plan would provide, there would also be a lower cost on the environment. Instead of billowing clouds of greenhouse gasses escaping fossil fuel derived power plants, clean water vapor would be leaving the stacks of these new power plants. Converting methane, a lethal greenhouse gas, to a far less potent carbon dioxide, would also be highly beneficial to the environment. With such a great cost cutting ability it would be wasteful not to instill this plan to harness human methane right away.<br />Another reason this is a brilliant idea is it would lessen the dependency on foreign oil and rid unnecessary tensions in the Middle East. Ever since the beginning of the industrial age, the United States has been importing billions upon billions of barrels of oil a year. This has caused the United States to become highly dependent on the oil rich nations of the Middle East, which has caused many unneeded tensions. One of these superfluous tensions that could be rid of with gas clubs would be the political tensions. If one of our big foreign suppliers has a change in political ideals or a change in power that disagree with our tastes, the United States would be in a sticky situation. If this new plan to capture human methane was installed in the United States these sorts of problems wouldn’t exist, and the United States would rid itself from unnecessary tensions and lessen the dependency on foreign oil.<br />A third reason human methane should replace the current energy sources is that it will solve the hunger issues throughout America. Offering a free bean buffet would attract many hungry people off of the streets. These people would be nourished with nutritious beans in exchange for their own methane—a pretty good deal if you ask me. With the economy in its downward spin the gas clubs would help feed many unemployed and needy citizens. Having these gas clubs as a new source of free food would lessen the strain on food shelves and other organization geared toward feeding the needy. This could free up much needed money for other struggling programs. If we want to decrease the number of hungry people in our nation we should put this plan into practice as soon as possible.<br />Fourthly, implementing this ingenious way of creating energy will stimulate the falling bean market. Since ethanol, a corn based alcohol, was introduced to the auto industry, the demand for corn has increased dramatically. Because of this farmers have been pushed to dedicate more of their farmland to harvesting corn instead of other crops. Beans are one of the crops that have taken a hit. A bean market with relatively the same demand but a lower supply equates to higher prices for beans. Implementing gas clubs would solve this problem. Undoubtedly, having bean buffets would increase the demand for beans but it would also encourage farmers to plant more beans in order to increase their profits. Using a bean buffet as a complementing feature of gas clubs would help revive the falling bean market.<br />A final reason human methane should be used to solve the energy crisis is that it would make farting more acceptable. For decades human methane has plagued parties and dates alike. This unwanted methane seeps out at the most inopportune times and clouds around its subject. Usually there is no dog, duck, or squeaky shoe to blame it on and the one who dealt it is cast away in shame. What if this methane gas was used as fuel for energy? These notorious gas passers would become the life of the party and everybody else could relax and let their gas out as well, which, in turn, could create a better atmosphere for having a good time. Creating gas clubs would rid the world of the unneeded embarrassment that comes along with passing gas. <br />Some may argue against my views and say that using human methane for an energy source would cause an awful stench. Indeed, methane does have a distinct smell and can be silent but deadly, but our nose quickly adapts to these new smells. The olfactory phenomenon describes this unique feature all humans share. In a nutshell the olfactory phenomenon depicts how a stimulus (the distinct smell of human methane) at first is very strong and easily detected, but how after a short period of time the nose adapts to this stimulus and the smell is unnoticeable. So to quiet these critics one just has to thank the wonders of the human body. Using methane as a renewable energy source is unable to make the world a smellier place because of the olfactory phenomenon.<br />Other critics of my plan maintain that methane would be incapable of powering the future. They wonder if the effectiveness of human methane is actually more than that of fossil fuels. When looking at this inventive plan they probably failed to recognize that these clubs would allow more people than the Paris Hilton type figures in. People with statures like that of Shaquille O’Neal, Gilbert Brown, and Reggie White, would also enter these clubs and they are capable of producing much more methane than the Parris Hilton’s and Mary-Kate and Ashley Olson’s of the world. If the cynical critics of my plan would realize that there are bigger people in the world than them, gas clubs would be seen as a great replacement to fossil fuels.<br />To reduce wasteful spending and eliminate the harmful effects of fossil fuels on our environment it is vital to invest in human methane as the energy to fuel the future. Not only can this reduce energy costs and eliminate unneeded tensions, but there are also many hidden benefits within this simple, yet brilliant plan. Using this plan can also spark other ideas, such as using animal methane to power the future. If this plan were put into action the positive results would be endless.<br />Works Cited<br />Wald, Matthew L. quot;
The Power of Renewable.quot;
Scientific American vol. 300. EBSCOhost. Mar. 2008 56-61. 12 Mar 2009 <http://web.ebscohost.com/src/detail?vid=1&hid=120&sid=02b9e06d-2f0b-40bb-a61284b68f248918%40sessionmgr108&bdata=JnNpdGU9c3JjLWxpdmU%3d#db=hxh&AN=36394526>.<br />Harrington, John. quot;
Oilman touts alternative energy.quot;
Independent Record. EBSCOhost. 2 Feb. 2009 <http://web.ebscohost.com/src/detail?vid=1&hid=116&sid=ef518c9d-9c50-4da7-aa7d-51abd87e4231%40sessionmgr103&bdata=JnNpdGU9c3JjLWxpdmU%3d#db=nfh&AN=2W62W64130965926#db=nfh&AN=2W62W64130965926>.<br />