2. MAJOR CHARACTERS
Bette - (25) HUMAN. Maintenance Worker: pretty, but
doesn't know it. She is the smartest, the unsung leader
and hero and should be on a starship. Daxar is her
nemesis and Narsen is her crush.
Narsen - (27) REVOTIAN. Maintenance Worker: uptight, but
funny nerd. He is lovable, totally oblivious to Bette's
advances and terrible at his job.
Pladok - (27) REVOTIAN. Maintenance Worker: typical tall,
dark and handsome man, a player and a tough guy until it
comes to: Fozna, then he is a weak, little puppy. Maybe
one day he can be HER captain.
Qava - (20) REVOTIAN. Fozna's Assistant: pixie-like and
precious, too smart for her job, but easily distracted.
She wants her father's approval and attention.
Daxar (40) REVOTIAN. Head of Maintenance: pudgy, bad
haircut, a perpetual zit on his cheek. He loves human
women, except for Bette.
Kristin (22) HUMAN. Communications Officer: looks like a
typical hot dumb girl, but she's actually articulate and
confident even if a little superficial.
Captain Jameson (40) HUMAN. Captain of the Space Station:
lithe, handsome and oblivious to his wife's infidelity
and. He is focused on his job and doesn't have a lot of
respect for Revotians. He married one of the good ones.
Fozna (27) REVOTIAN. Captain's Wife: an alien Beyonce,
with dreams of grandeur. She married the Captain for
nefarious purposes. She can run the ship through him.
Creepy Child (8) HUMAN (kind of?) Child: super blond
hair, almost white, long, parted in the middle, wide-
eyed, gaunt, staring. Always around. Always creeping.
Computer Voice - Disembodied: A perpetually optimistic
and polite console voice with a Yooper accent.
REVOTIANS have forehead tattoos a line down the center
with a triangle pointing down between their eyebrows. And
tails. Yeah, tails. And they're prehensile.
3. TEASER
INT. TIOGA MAINTENANCE ROOM BATHROOM
BETTE thrusts her hand down a toilet. She grunts and
grimaces. Pulling hard, she frees the blockage. It’s hair.
Like a ponytail of hair, but clotted.
BETTE
All I want to do is explore the
galaxies, meet weird creatures,
fight feisty aliens... but I get
sent to the butthole of space: The
Tioga Space Station.
INT. TIOGA MAINTENANCE ROOM
PLADOK spins in a chair. NARSEN fiddles with instruments.
QAVA watches a video on a console. Bette enters from the
bathroom.
BETTE
Get out of here! Narsen and I are
on duty. If Daxar the Devil
catches you in here, we’re toast.
Qava shuts off the console.
QAVA
Bette! My Dad says, “Be more than
just an assistant” so I am filming
a StarTube video. In here.
BETTE
Mmm no, Qava.
QAVA
Even if it’s you and Pladok in a
love scene? You could be famous.
Kind of.
BETTE
Especially no if it’s a love scene
with Pladok.
PLADOK
Yeah Bette’s too human. I need a
Revotian woman. Smart. Ambitious.
A little salty. Curvy. Spectacu---
QAVA
Married.
4. Pladok smirks.
NARSEN
I think I hear someone outside.
BETTE
Pladok, you gain nothing by
chasing after Fozna.
PLADOK
Fozna? Who says I’m into Fozna?
QAVA
Revotian. Salty. Smart. Curvy?
That’s Fozna. The Captain’s wife!
NARSEN
Seriously I hear a scratching.
Annoyed, Qava opens the door. CREEPY CHILD stands staring.
NARSEN
Was he there the whole time?
PLADOK
I think he likes Qava. That or
he’s plotting murder.
QAVA
He’s a good kid. He just gets into
trouble sometimes, right buddy?
Pladok brushes her off and heads to the bathroom. Qava walks
outside and takes the Creepy Child’s hand, leading him away.
QAVA
You’re not plotting murder...
right?
Creepy Child turns and shoots daggers at Narsen who balks.
Bette stares out the window at the stars.
BETTE
I should on a star ship, not here
with my arm halfway down a toilet.
You know I’m only here because of
a clerical error?
NARSEN
Yeah, you tell me every day. And
also, um Bette? I know you say I
worry too much and I should relax
and just let it go---
2.
5. BETTE
Oh! So, you’re ready to take me up
on my offer to cook you dinner?
Pladok comes out of the bathroom, rubbing his belly.
PLADOK
I pooped so hard I added a year to
my life. I should be arrested as a
sorcerer. Aaaaah... It was
magical. It wouldn’t even flush.
BETTE
I just unclogged that toilet!
PLADOK
And I just ate fourteen jalepeno
poppers. So. Sorry about all that.
Bette shoves Pladok out the door and then pushes a button to
activate COMPUTER VOICE.
BETTE
Computer? Is there a problem?
COMPUTER VOICE
You betcha, there’s a problem.
You’re losing air and fast.
BETTE
Is it bad?
COMPUTER VOICE
Well, it’s not rain on your
wedding day. But oh yeah it’s bad.
NARSEN
I was trying to tell you. It’s my
fault. That creepy kid scared me
and I yanked on the air hose in
fear for my life.
BETTE
If we run out of air on my watch,
Daxar will move me to custodial.
NARSEN
Bette, we’ll be dead before that.
COMPUTER VOICE
Hate to be da bearer of bad news,
but da batrum also needs a candle.
END TEASER
3.
6. OPENING LINES OVER THEME (ZEROES BY SPACEHOG):
2122: When Planet Revot’s sun went into Supernova, the
Revotians needed a new home... and they found Earth. The two
species made an alliance to explore the galaxies together
They send the best and brightest to the furthest reaches of
the universe. But they send the dimmest and the worst to the
Tioga Space Station, just 240 miles from Earth. These aren’t
heroes. They are... Absolute Zeroes.
4.
7. ACT ONE
INT. TIOGA MAINTENANCE ROOM
Narsen flips furiously through a manual. A frustrated Bette
searches the untamed closet.
NARSEN
Ultrasonic Probe! CTRL U3-11!
BETTE
Ol’Dragon Breath Daxar won’t
organize the closet.
NARSEN
We feed the probe outside to
locate the leak!
BETTE
It’s too reasonable to plan ahead
or be neat or brush his teeth.
COMPUTER VOICE
I don’t mean to be a bugger, but
we’re at 75% efficiency, ya know?
BETTE
I loathe that stupidly optimistic
computer voice. Just say it’s
awful and we’re gonna die.
NARSEN
We’re gonna die?
BETTE
(suddenly happy)
No! Because I found CTRL U3-11!
The door flies open, frightening Bette. DAXAR arrives “Spirit
in the Sky” plays. They stare at each other for a minute.
Daxar pushes a button on his belt, the song stops.
DAXAR
An alert was sent to my quarters.
Everything okay in here? Or is
Bette ruining everything?
Narsen laughs nervously and too loud.
NARSEN
Oh yeah, Daxar. You know Bette!
Bette stands hiding the leak alert and glares at Narsen.
5.
8. NARSEN
No, totally fine. Hundred percent.
BETTE
Daxar, your entrance song is all
wrong.
Daxar moves closer to her. She leans back.
DAXAR
I think it’s perfect because it’s
about Jesus, the earthly Messiah.
Do you know who Jesus is?
BETTE
If I don’t say yes, you’ll give me
a pamphlet and invite me to a
weird meeting, right?
DAXAR
I bet your jokes will crack up the
other station custodians.
Bette goes stone-faced. A few beats. Narsen fidgets.
NARSEN
Okay, we’re all set here Dax.
BETTE
Maybe play the part of Thriller
where Vincent Price narrates? The
funk of forty thousand years.
NARSEN
Just time to run some tests...
DAXAR
Your song could be about knowing
your place and respecting
authority. “I’m Just a Girl”?
BETTE
Not the point of that song---
DAXAR
You could say I have a
predilection for all things human.
Daxar licks his lips and Bette shudders.
DAXAR
Except for you, Bette. Your review
is tomorrow. Better step it up so
you don’t have to... sweep it up.
6.
9. Daxar pretends to sweep the floor, cackles and leaves.
Outside the door, they hear “Spirit in the Sky” start.
NARSEN
Why does he have it out for you?
BETTE
I should have his job. And I won’t
sleep with him. So I’m a bitch.
NARSEN
Yeah that’s true.
Bette balks.
NARSEN
You should be in charge, not a
bitch!
Bette’s eyes go wide, eyebrows annoyed.
NARSEN
Yourenotabitch! I didn’t mean
that. You’re great.
BETTE
Right. Well, thanks. I just want
to get promoted and off this ship.
They share a hopeful smile.
COMPUTER VOICE
Friendly reminder! Levels now at
65% doncha know?
INT. TIOGA BAR
Pladok nurses a beer. FOZNA enters. She sits regally and
orders champagne, obviously ignoring Pladok.
PLADOK
Hey. Been awhile.
Fozna swirls her champagne and opens to him, exposing an
ample bosom and alien legs for days. Her tail curls into a
question mark. Her eyelashes flutter flirtatiously.
FOZNA
Pladok, I am light and energy and
joy and power. You can’t just have
me when you need attention and
sex. I married someone else and
The Captain knows my worth.
7.
10. Pladok takes this in thoughtfully. Then furrows his brows.
PLADOK
Wait, do you call him the Captain?
FOZNA
It’s his rank.
PLADOK
You’re his wife.
FOZNA
He likes it.
Pladok fingers his low rank insignia, crosses his arms and
leans against the bar, eyes level with Fozna’s.
PLADOK
Does he still think you’re a
faithful wife?
FOZNA
He thinks whatever I tell him to
think.
PLADOK
Do I still have a faithful
partner?
FOZNA
(smiling sensually)
You do. This might be a long con,
but I don’t think the captain has
any idea what we’re up to.
Pladok looks around, satisfied.
PLADOK
When can I see you again to...
plan our next move?
Fozna, in clear control, smiles snakily at Pladok.
FOZNA
I’m still planting seeds.
Fozna finishes the champagne and struts to the door. Pladok
returns to his beer, annoyed. Kristin approaches.
KRISTIN
She has great calves.
PLADOK
Don’t I know it.
8.
11. INT. CORRIDOR
Qava hurries down the corridor and passes Fozna.
FOZNA
Qava, what am I doing right now?
QAVA
Uh, leaving the bar?
FOZNA
I know what I’m doing. I meant,
what’s on my schedule?
QAVA
Oh, nothing. It’s Tuesday so,
you’re open.
FOZNA
Come help me wash my tail!
Fozna turns and Qava is compelled to follow. They pass a
doorway. Creepy Child is pressed against the wall, eyes wide.
INT. TIOGA MAINTENANCE ROOM
Bette finishes attaching a final part to the probe. Narsen
opens the chute and Bette feeds the probe into it.
NARSEN
Daxar is scary.
BETTE
Yeah, his hands are always down
the back of his pants. Scratching.
They both shudder. She hands Narsen headphones.
BETTE
Listen for anomalies.
Narsen puts on the headphones and toggles a toggle. His tail
curls around her knee. She looks at it and smiles.
NARSEN
I can’t hear anything besides a
loud hum.
BETTE
(whispers)
Maybe it’s the beating of my
heart.
9.
12. NARSEN
What?
He pulls off the headphones and she puts them on.
BETTE
Nothing. Wow! That is a hum. The
engines are too loud. And we can’t
detect the leak with them running!
NARSEN
Bette, when you’re worried, you
always joke. Was that a joke?
BETTE
No. A joke is like: knock knock.
Who’s there? Cows go. Cows go who?
No. Cows go moo.
Bette waits for a smile. Narsen stares at her blankly.
BETTE
Come on it was a little funny.
Narsen frowns.
BETTE
Maybe you’re not laughing because
of our impending doom, but I
promise you, it was funny.
INT. TIOGA BAR
CAPTAIN JAMESON enters from the kitchen door, sees Pladok and
Kristin, and approaches them.
CAPTAIN JAMESON
Palkod!
PLADOK
Nope.
CAPTAIN JAMESON
Forgive me. The... Revotian names
are still fuzzy on my tongue.
Pladok nods, almost imperceptibly and takes a long swig.
KRISTIN
Say, Captain, how does a guy like
you become Captain?
Captain Jameson misses the insult and answers honestly.
10.
13. CAPTAIN JAMESON
Being a leader means you identify
a goal and stop at nothing to
reach it. Take initiative. Make a
move. That’s the human way.
Captain Jameson laughs amiably, pats Pladok on the back.
CAPTAIN JAMESON
If you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a
ship to run. I can’t sit and chat
all day with my subordinates!
PLADOK
You’re a feckless leader.
CAPTAIN JAMESON
Pardon?---
PLADOK
---A fearless leader!
Laughing, the Captain downs Pladok’s beer and struts out.
KRISTIN
He’d fly us into the sun.
INT. TIOGA MAINTENANCE ROOM
Bette fidgets with probe line.
NARSEN
It’s probably going to be okay,
Bette. Just... relax a little.
Look at me! Giving you your own
advice. Please Bette. You are
freaking me out!
A harried Bette pulls the probe back aggressively.
COMPUTER VOICE
Hey, just so’s you know, that’s
the wrong way to pull the line in.
BETTE
We have to hurry! Lives literally
depend on this.
NARSEN
Daxar just get back from that air
vent conference on Saturn. Maybe---
Bette pulls the line with all her weight, jerking it.
11.
14. BETTE
No! I’m doing it! I can fix it! I
have to be the one that fixes it.
NARSEN
Bette, you’ll break the line!
Bette pulls the line in with the probe dangling.
COMPUTER VOICE
Yikes. I was worried about that.
NARSEN
(morose)
We’re going to die, aren’t we?
COMPUTER VOICE
Ah, everyone dies, doncha know?
END ACT ONE
12.
15. ACT TWO
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OF DAXAR’S OFFICE
Bette and Narsen pace in front of a glass door with black
letters: “DAXAR - HEAD OF MAINTENANCE”. Inside hangs a hose
on a wall of tools.
COMPUTER VOICE
Don’t wanna be da berrypicker of
da bunch, but wit da air vent
leak, I’m tinking youse guys don’t
have time for spring fever, eh?
NARSEN
We need the hose in Daxar’s
office. But you won’t ask him for
help, so what are we going to do?
Bette clasps Narsen’s face in her hands.
BETTE
Daxar loves humans. Qava makes
videos with humans and Revotians.
Kristin loves making videos.
NARSEN
So make a video?
BETTE
In his office! And I could grab
that hose.
NARSEN
But even if we have the hose, we
can’t shut the engines down!
COMPUTER VOICE
Not so as to alarm you, but da
levels are at 49%. Dat’s low.
BETTE
Leak, then disable computer voice.
COMPUTER VOICE
Oh geez-o-Pete, dat’s harsh. Dat
hits me in da feels.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OF CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS
Qava blows on a latte. Bette runs up, out of breath.
13.
16. BETTE
I have a video idea! Kristin in
Communications would be perfect
for one of your videos. And Daxar
could star opposite.
QAVA
Why Daxar? You hate him.
Bette shrugs casually. Qava crosses her arms, stoic.
BETTE
(conceding)
I need something. In Daxar’s
office. And I need to distract
him. So... I need your help.
QAVA
Well, then yes. Obviously.
Bette breathes a sigh of relief and unhooks a two-way radio
from her belt.
QAVA
Of course, I’ll need you to star
in the video: Engine Room Love.
BETTE
No way, Qava. I’m not an actress.
QAVA
Not yet. And you won’t get my help
until you agree.
Bette shakes her head no. Crosses her arms and leans back.
COMPUTER VOICE
Hey there Bette, now that Narsen
fella is looking for yas. Seems
there’s a muck up still.
QAVA
I can cast Narsen too.
Bette rolls her eyes.
BETTE
Fine.
She turns away from Qava and smiles.
BETTE
(in Walkie Talkie)
Bette to Kristin.
14.
17. KRISTIN (O.S.)
Bette! Bette Boop! I bet you get
that all the time. I’m just---
BETTE
Kristin, we need you on Deck 13.
KRISTIN (O.S.)
Oh, I’m suuuuuper busy right now.
She hiccups over the line.
BETTE
It’s for one of Qava’s videos. And
only you can play the part.
KRISTIN (O.S.)
Don’t pander to my vanity. Just
say you need my help. I’m coming.
BETTE
Let’s hope her ambition is
stronger than her sense of smell.
If she has to get close to Daxar---
QAVA
The director will handle actor
complaints!
INT. FOZNA’S ROOM
Fozna stares in the mirror and sings a wordless tune. She
gets up to answer the door in a negligee.
FOZNA
Yes?
Pladok enters, puts his arms around her waist and kisses her.
She returns the kiss and their tails entwine.
FOZNA
The Captain...
He kisses her neck and lifts her up.
FOZNA
The Captain...!
Pladok carries her to the bedroom and lays her down.
PLADOK
...is on duty.
15.
18. INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OF DAXAR’S OFFICE
Qava directs Daxar and Kristin. Bette and Narsen fidget with
equipment.
QAVA
Daxar, lean against your desk.
Kristin seduces you. So... act
natural.
DAXAR
Easy. Attractive women always
flirt with me. I’m magnetic.
KRISTIN
(appalled)
Um, I’m flirting with him?
BETTE
Yesterday in the showers you told
me you were seventh grade drama
club president.
Kristin leans into Bette.
KRISTIN
I was. I like the theater. I’m
just a little drunk right now.
Bette’s face falls. Qava claps loudly.
QAVA
Places! Bette, you’re background.
DAXAR
Where she belongs.
KRISTIN
I’ve always wanted to work on a
project that stretches my reality.
QAVA
Kristin, we’ll do the interviews
after about your hopes and dreams.
And Daxar: give her a compliment,
something sweet. Aaaaand Action!
Bette’s hand reaches toward the vacuum hose. Daxar presses
play and Sade’s “Smooth Operator” plays at low volume.
DAXAR
Your breasts look like pillows I
want to put my head on.
16.
19. Bette stops, disgusted. She turns and stares at Daxar.
KRISTIN
(coquettishly laughs)
I’d like to see you try.
DAXAR
And after a nap of two hours or
so, I might want to suckle some
nectar out of your teetum and---
QAVA
CUT.
Bette pulls her hand away sharply. Kristin looks wide-eyed at
Qava. Daxar smiles proudly.
DAXAR
I am a natural.
QAVA
Daxar don’t say suckle. It’s
gross.
DAXAR
What is an appropriate verb?
QAVA
Ugh... just talk about her eyes.
Qava adjusts the camera, which hasn’t stopped rolling.
QAVA
Aaaaaand ACTION!
Bette tries to unhook the hose. It is STUCK.
DAXAR
Your eyes are so pretty. I’d like
to scoop them out and put them in
a jar to look at forever.
KRISTIN
(coquettishly laughs)
I’d like to see you try!
QAVA
CUT!
Bette hurries back to the desk. Qava pushes pressure points
in her forehead. Kristin waits attentively.
QAVA
Say this: You’re pretty. Action!
17.
20. DAXAR
I’m pretty.
KRISTIN
(coquettishly laughs)
I’d like to see you try.
Bette grabs the hose and shoves it down her pants.
QAVA
And that’s a wrap!
Qava rolls her eyes angrily as Bette storms out. Daxar
approaches Kristin. He suavely presses play. Color Me Badd’s
“Sex You Up” plays. “OOOOoooooooooOOOOOh I wanna Sex You--”
DAXAR
(to Kristin)
Wrap party in my quarters? They’re
private.
KRISTIN
(sarcastic)
Sounds delightful. How about a
pedicure and a massage too?
DAXAR
I readily accept your offer as my
toenails have contracted a fungus
and my tight back tendons prohibit
me from effectively cleaning them.
Kristin holds back vomit. Barely.
INT. FOZNA’S ROOM
Fozna’s head lays on Pladok’s chest. The intercom buzzes.
CAPTAIN JAMESON (V.O.)
Fozna, are you there? I need you.
Fozna barely moves. Her tail reaches for a phone on the desk.
FOZNA
Hello my Captain.
Pladok’s tail circles up and strokes Fozna’s face.
FOZNA
I’ll be right there.
(to Pladok)
I have to make a “Captain’s wife
appearance. So wait in the closet.
18.
21. PLADOK
I’m not going to wait---
FOZNA
No?
Fozna’s tail curls around his face. Pladok gets up to sit in
the closet. He grabs a high-heeled shoe.
PLADOK
I’ll just... sniff... your shoes.
She shuts the closet door and Pladok sees the Captain’s
jacket hanging in the closet. His tail caresses a sleeve.
INT. CORRIDOR
Bette meets Narsen at the elevator.
BETTE
Status?
NARSEN
38%. What about the engines?
BETTE
Engineering shuts down them down
for emergencies. I’ll make one up.
NARSEN
Like what?
BETTE
I don’t know. Contamination?
Engine decay? Lost child?
The elevator opens on the Creepy Child staring. Bette sneaks
past as Creepy Child exits, waves goodbye.
NARSEN
Hey little buddy. Your hair looks
nice. Where’s your mom? Why are
you alone? And why are you sooo
scary?
Creepy Child’s eyes widen and intensify. Narsen jumps.
INT. BAR
The Captain sips whiskey out of a highball surrounded by
HUMAN MEN. They laugh, real good ol’ boy vibe. Qava sits in a
corner, reviewing her film.
19.
22. CAPTAIN JAMESON
Fozna. My exotic and foreign wife.
Meet the delegation from Canada.
Fozna strides to them, all hips, oozing sex.
FOZNA
Gentleman.
They nod in greeting. Her tail strokes his arm.
CAPTAIN JAMESON
That’ll be all sweetheart. Just
wanted to show off your... assets.
Sorry to bug you.
FOZNA
It’s all part of the job.
Fozna smiles again and sachets away, eyes rolling. The men
follow her with their eyes. A MAN whistles low, shaking his
head disapprovingly.
CAPTAIN JAMESON
I know I know. I married a
Revotian. But she’s one of the
good ones.
MAN
There are good ones?
CAPTAIN JAMESON
There are ones with good bodies.
And she is the best. Literally...
out of this world!
They all laugh at the very very stupid joke. Qava gapes and
then sticks her tongue out like it’s covered in roach eggs.
INT. TIOGA MAINTENANCE ROOM
Bette flings open the door of the maintenance room.
BETTE
Engineering wouldn’t let me in. I
flirted, kind of, but they didn’t
get it so, I dunno what to do.
COMPUTER VOICE
Youse guys was gone a bit. Howzit
going?
20.
23. BETTE
Not well you damn machine!
COMPUTER VOICE
Kripes amighty, I done nothing to
deserve dat kinda slander.
CAPTAIN JAMESON (V.O.)
(over ship intercom)
This is your Captain speaking.
Bette and Narsen stop abruptly.
CAPTAIN JAMESON (V.O.)
I need your help with an urgent
matter. A child is missing. Check-
in at the nearest console and
verify if you have seen him. To
scan the ship, we must shut down
the engines for 10 minutes.
Captain out.
NARSEN
(poorly acting)
What could have happened?
Bette checks in with her thumb print at a screen. It’s Creepy
Child. He’s missing. Narsen pulls her arm.
NARSEN
Bette, we have ten minutes, to
find and fix the leak.
BETTE
I’m saying we saw him at the
elevator. God, I hope they find
him. He’s just lurking---
Their eyes drift off in a frightened trance.
COMPUTER VOICE
Ah, he probably just took a
Michigan left somewhere.
INT. TIOGA MAINTENANCE ROOM
Bette carefully threads the hose through the window pane.
NARSEN
I don’t hear it! I don’t hear it!
21.
24. Bette runs to the closet. Creepy Child is inside. Bette
yelps. He reaches out for her. She grabs a tool, closes the
door and pulls headphones off Narsen.
BETTE
Creepy Child is in the closet.
NARSEN
I know. I put him there.
BETTE
What? Did you kidnap him?
NARSEN
No. We are playing a game!
BETTE
Narsen that is not at all what I---
NARSEN
Contamination, engine decay or
lost child. You’re always saying
to take initiative, so I did!
BETTE
I didn’t mean initiate a
kidnapping!
NARSEN
Well, you should be more clear!
END ACT TWO
22.
25. ACT THREE
INT. FOZNA’S ROOM
Fozna finds Pladok admiring himself in the Captain’s jacket.
FOZNA
When you become the first Revotian
captain, I’ll have to call you
sir.
PLADOK
I’ll never be so weak and easily
manipulated as---
The front door flies open. CAPTAIN JAMESON runs in. Fozna
pushes Pladok under the bed.
CAPTAIN JAMESON (O.S.)
Fozna! A child’s gone missing!
The Captain enters the bedroom.
CAPTAIN JAMESON
(whining)
I’ve got to find him and run the
station at the same time!
FOZNA
Pour yourself some apple juice and
I’ll get your command jacket. It
makes you look official.
Fozna grabs the jacket hanging off Pladok’s tail.
FOZNA
Here. Now get going! Find the poor
boy. Then I’ll be your reward.
Pladok gags audibly as the Captain runs out.
FOZNA
I’m still his wife. Even if we’re
plotting the demise of his career.
Pladok sulks, but pulls Fozna onto the bed.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OF CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS
Daxar dances creepily down the hallway to George Michael: “I
Want Your Sex”. The Captain strides fearfully out of his door
into Daxar, who quickly turns the music off.
23.
26. DAXAR
Captain. I’m so glad to literally
run into you because I must speak
to you regarding an insubordinate
on my team by the name of---
CAPTAIN JAMESON
Not Now Dackar!
He runs off leaving Daxar confused and angry.
DAXAR
(hurt)
Daxar.
(scowling)
That little vixen Bette is
probably behind this. I bet she
needs a spot check right now.
Daxar turns sharply and storms towards the maintenance room
colliding with Kristin at the elevator. Before he makes a
move, he pushes play: “I Want Your Sex.”
KRISTIN
Yuck. No.
She pushes him and sprints away.
DAXAR
Bette has turned them against me!
He takes off running with one fist raised defiantly.
DAXAR
Daxar shows no mercy!
He stops to press a button. Joe Espitos’s “You’re the Best
Around,” plays. He runs again, arm raised.
INT. TIOGA MAINTENANCE ROOM
Bette throws a robotic arm out of the chute and runs to the
board to monitor with Narsen.
COMPUTER VOICE
Holy Man! The probe detected the
leak, eh?
BETTE
(reading the console)
It’s the vacuum jumper hose
connected to a multi-paned window
in our sector.
24.
27. NARSEN
That’s a relief! Um, what is that?
BETTE
It’s that air hose you yanked on.
I still have to fix the leak!
NARSEN
Bette, you can do it. But do it
fast before Daxar’s shift starts.
COMPUTER VOICE
Dere you are, side by each. Real
cute together.
An awkward moment. Bette looks at the closet, then to Narsen.
BETTE
I need the manual. You have it.
Narsen nods, reaches for his bag and rifles through. He
rifles through again, hurriedly.
NARSEN
I left it in Daxar’s office.
COMPUTER VOICE
Oh dat’s a bear.
INT. OUTSIDE THE CAPTAIN’S QUARTERS
Fozna kisses Pladok as he leaves. He pulls out her shoe and
sniffs again. Smiling devilishly, he sneaks away.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE THE MAINTENANCE ROOM
Qava sulks outside the maintenance room. Daxar runs toward
her, arm still up, huffing heavily.
DAXAR
Move it! I’m here to fire Bette.
QAVA
Let me film that. Just in case
it’s awesome.
INT. MAINTENANCE ROOM ON THE SPACE STATION
Bette stares intently at the console a few inches from her
face. She uses a joystick and mumbles herself.
25.
28. NARSEN
It’s 53% complete. That’s good
right?
BETTE
100% complete is good.
CAPTAIN JAMESON (V.O.)
This is your Captain speaking.
Scanning of the ship is almost
complete. The engines will go on
in one minute. Find the boy!
The Creepy Child knocks from the inside of the cabinet.
Narsen looks at the progression. It’s still at 53%.
INT. CORRIDOR OUTSIDE OF MAINTENANCE ROOM
Qava interviews Daxar. Kristin approaches .
DAXAR
I plan on saying: Bette, though I
very much would like to run my
long fingernails against your
scalp and make your skin prickle,
as your superior, I must insist
that you first do me such honor.
KRISTIN
I’m not best friends with Bette...
yet, but my guess is that it’s
gonna be a hard no from her.
Daxar pushes Kristin out of the camera’s eye.
DAXAR
Bette will feel my wrath.
KRISTIN
I seriously hope that’s not a
metaphor.
Qava laughs as Pladok sneaks into the maintenance room.
INT. TIOGA MAINTENANCE ROOM
Pladok enters as Bette and Narsen stare at the monitor.
PLADOK
Daxar is two minutes away from
coming in to fire you.
26.
29. Bette slams her fist on the console. Still at 53%.
BETTE
Come on!
She pulls a cartridge out of the console, blows on it and
puts it back in. The console changes to 54%, 55%, 60%...
COMPUTER VOICE
Levels at 12%.
BETTE
What?!?
COMPUTER VOICE
Just yankin ya around, it’s
getting better, doncha know?
Bette pulls her knee up to kick the computer with her heel
when Creepy Child knocks again. Pladok opens the cabinet as
Daxar and Qava burst in. The Creepy Child slowly emerges,
floating as if on wheels.
DAXAR
(angrily to Bette)
YOOOOOOU!
KRISTIN
The kid! Daxar you found him!
The console dings. Repair Complete. Engines On.
COMPUTER VOICE
Hey now, we’re all raring to go.
Daxar pets Creepy Child’s head who hisses and pulls Daxar’s
tail. Daxar yelps and Qava keeps rolling.
QAVA
I’ll call this episode, When
Animals Attack starring Daxar
and... this guy.
Rubbing his tailbone, Daxar looks at the console.
DAXAR
Narsen you fixed an air vent leak!
The work of a committed and smart
worker. Bette take note. Child,
you shall now proceed with me so I
gain my well-deserved reward.
Daxar presses a button. “We Are the World” plays. He leaves
with Creepy Child. Jaws clenched, Bette stares out a window.
27.
30. NARSEN
Looks like you’ll live to see
another day, Bette.
BETTE
Yeah. Well, I want to see it from
a star ship.
Qava puts the camera down.
QAVA
I really liked how committed you
are. Can we do that line again,
but let me get your good side?
BETTE
You can’t put that on StarTube!
Besides, I don’t have a good side.
QAVA
We better find it for your next
StarTube video with Pladok!
PLADOK
I’m not doing a video. Ask Narsen.
NARSEN
Oh no, I couldn’t. Stage fright.
QAVA
It’s not a stage.
NARSEN
Then lens fright. I’m afraid.
KRISTIN
Fine, I’ll do it.
They all gawk at Kristin.
KRISTIN
Like we have anything better to do
up here?
INT. TIOGA DINING HALL - THREE DAYS LATER
Narsen stands on a stage with Captain Jameson. The whole
station crowds together, 50 or 60 people.
CAPTAIN JAMESON
You fixed the leak and saved the
Tioga. On behalf of the whole
Space Station, thank you Nersahn!
28.
31. The room applauds. Narsen hides behind a flag looking sick.
CAPTAIN JAMESON
And Dackar! A leadership award for
finding the lost child.
Daxar stands and waves to the crowd. No one claps. He sits
down. Bette leans over to Qava.
BETTE
The Prince of Darkness is rewarded
and I’m still an Ensign.
QAVA
Bette, you can only lead at the
speed of those who follow. That’s
how Daxar does it.
The Captain congenially waves to Pladok who smugly salutes
him. Narsen exits the stage and is accosted by Kristin.
KRISTIN
You’re a hero!
She gives him a big hug. Bette walks up and stiffens.
NARSEN
Well, actually Bette’s the hero.
KRISTIN
Really? Wow. Well, then. Hugs for
you too!
Kristin embraces Bette. For longer and much tighter.
BETTE
Okay, um. It was nothing, really.
KRISTIN
I mean, you saved our lives.
That’s kind of amazing Bette. And
you didn’t say anything when
Narsen took the credit.
NARSEN
I didn’t---It was given to me.
BETTE
And if Daxar knew the trouble we
had gone to just to fix a leak---
NARSEN
Bette would be on clean-up duty.
29.
32. KRISTIN
Looks like she cleans up pretty
well. Narsen get a drink. Mingle.
Narsen nods and walks towards the bar.
BETTE
Uh, are you into Narsen? Because I
kind of... well I am and I’ll back
off, I’m not competing. I can’t---
KRISTIN
Oh! Ha! Gay.
BETTE
Narsen is gay?!?
KRISTIN
What? No. I am. I... I thought
everyone knew? Yeah. Lesbian.
Qava jumps in between Kristin and Bette.
QAVA
I’ve just finished the script!
It’s wild.
Kristin high fives Qava raising her eyebrows to Bette who
smiles at first, but realizes she’s in a lesbian love scene.
BETTE
I’ll need a few drinks.
INT. MAINTENANCE ROOM ON THE SPACE STATION
Qava films Bette and Kristin in an embrace.
BETTE
And that’s when I knew...
Kristin smiles big and leans in for a kiss. Daxar bursts in.
DAXAR
Bette! I need someone to take care
of an important assignment.
BETTE
Yes! Dax! What is it?
DAXAR
My toilet is clogged.
END ACT THREE
30.
33. TAG
INT. DAXAR’S BATHROOM
Bette looks at clogged toilet. Then at plunger in hand.
COMPUTER VOICE
Looks like one too many smart
pills went down da one holer, eh?
Teeth clenched, she dives in.
END PILOT
31.
