1. What to buy for Christmas gifts?
Russell Grenning
The Three Wise Men boughtthe infantJesusgold,frankincense andmyrrh andinventedthe ideaof
givinggiftsatChristmas.The Bible doesn’ttellustheirnamesbuttraditionhasitthat theywere
calledGaspar,Balthasarand Melchiorand itis a wonderthattheyhaven’tbeencanonizedasthe
PatronSaintsof Retail Shopping.
You alwaysrunrisks withchoosinggifts – one yearI gave a chum whoeverybodycalledDickalovely
box of Irishlinenhankiesbeautifullymonogrammedwithablue “D”and he got all huffyaboutit,
sayinghisname wasRichard. Bloodyingrate,Ithoughtafterall of the thought,expense andtroubleI
had gone to.I hope hisnose is runnyto thisveryday.
Anyhow,I’ve decidedthatbooksmake excellentgiftsalthough,again,thereare risks. Lotsof people
I knowhave lotsof booksandit wouldbe justawful togive themone theyalreadyhadnotthat I
much care really.
If people tell me thattheyhadalreadyhave thatbook I smile mysweetestsmile andsay, “Isn’tit
remarkable,uncanny really,howwellI understand yourexcellenttaste?” Mind you,I make sure that
I scrawl “HAPPY CHRISTMASFROMRUSSELL”inverylarge lettersonthe title page sotheycan’t be
cheapand offloadittosomebodyelse.
Nowhere ismy secret.
I regularlyconsultthe site whichawardsthe annual DiagramPrizefor the oddestbooktitle atthe
Frankfurt(Germany) BookFair.Thisprestigiousawardwasinstitutedin1978 and nowadaysitis
judgedbythe publicbyan on-line poll atTheBooksellers website.
The inaugural winnerwas“Proceedingsof theSecond InternationalWorkshop on NudeMice” and I
understandthatScorsese andSpielberghave beenlockedinaviciousbiddingwarforthe filmrights
for the past thirty-six years.
I boughtlotsof copiesof the 1992 winner, “How to Avoid HugeShips” whichprobablyaccountsfor
whyit wentintoa secondedition.Yes,opinionissomewhatvaried –the “New YorkDaily News”
calledit“the bestbookever” while “Publishers Weekly”condemneditas “the worstbookever”.
Mind youif the author – describedasa “mastermariner”– had done some tighteditingitwould be
much,much shorter,perhapsone sentence, “Stay outof theirway you idiot”.
I wouldn’tbe one bitsurprisedif the 1994 winner –“Highlights in the History of Concrete” – isa
majorstocking-fillerthisyear,the 25th
anniversaryof the fall of the BerlinWall.Ido hope thatthe
publishershave hadthe foresighttoissue aGermanedition. Thenagain,Iguessthat the fall of the
wall wasmore a lowlightthanahighlight,concrete-wise.
The winnerthisyearwas “Howto Poo on a Date” whichissubtitled “TheLovers’Guide to Toilette
Etiquette” whichisa subjectI hadn’tgivenmuchthoughtto.It seemsthatsaying, “Hang on a sec
while I go to the dunny”isnota winninglineonthe firstdate.Thisbookshouldnotbe confusedwith
the 2011 winner– “Cooking withPoo”– which,of course,isa recipe bookbyThai chef,KhunPoo.
2. There are veryfew,if any,chumsI couldgive a copyof the 1990 winner – “Lesbian Sadomasochism
SafetyManual”– if anymen were interestedthentheywouldbe dirtyoldpervsandnotworthyof
my acquaintance letalone friendshipwhilethe womenIknow wouldjustbe offendedandinsulted.
The author of thisauthoritative journal PatrickCalifiadescribeshimself/herselfasa “bisexual
transgenderman”.Itisan expensive booksoif youare interestedperhapsyoushouldhave awhip-
aroundto raise the necessarydosh.
Everyfifteenyears,aspecial “Diagramof Diagrams”awardisjudged.The firstin 1993 was givento
the inaugural winner,the one aboutnude mice,asthe oddesttitle forthe previousfifteenyears.In
2008, the secondwinnerforthe oddesttitle overthe previousthirtyyearswentto “GreekRural
Postmen and theirCancellation Numbers” whichwasthe 1996 winner,narrowlybeating, “People
Who Don’tKnowThey AreDead”.
As yet,Ihaven’tfoundthe time inmybusylife toread thisnodoubt engrossinghistoryof Greek
rural postmeninthe 20th
centurybutI betit wouldmake a fabulousfilm.A pityreallythatAnthony
Quinnisdead;he did sowell inthe title role of “Zorba theGreek”.
You are spoiltforchoice withthislistbutthisyearI’mgoingfor the 2002 winner “Living With Crazy
Buttocks” because itis the onlywinnerbyan Australianauthor,MsKaz Cook.
WouldI give youa bum steer?
