1. There are birds,and then there are birds
Russell Grenning
WhenI was justa lad there wasa famousground-level baratthe oldSurfersParadise Hotel which
allowedpatronstolookintothe streetwhile enjoyingrefreshments.
It was called “TheBirdwatchers’Bar”for reasonsI couldneverdeduce.Onthe manytimeswhenI
happenedtostopby,there wasn’tthe slightestchance of seeingabird – withthe possible exception
of a confusedpigeonoradistressedsparrow –because patronswere beingdistractedbyanon-stop
parade of bikini-cladgirls.
Once I askeda youngbloke whowas salivatingatwhathe wasseeingif he wasan ornithologist.He
gave me a verycuriouslookandsuggestedthatI shouldcommitanact uponmyself which,evenif
remotelypossible,wouldhave beenextremelypainful.
I got to thinkingaboutbirdsinmyowninnocentwayrecentlywhenIreadaboutVietnamese police
whogot themselvesinarightoldflapby arrestinga groupof sixteenpigeonsonsuspicionof their
beingChinese spies.
It seemsthere isquite abitof tensionbetweenChinaandVietnamatthe momentoverterritorial
disputesinthe SouthChinaSeaandno amountof the traditional fraternal greetingsbetweenthe
comradesseemstohave ledto a resolution.
What got the Da NangPolice Departmentsuspiciouswasthe factthat these pigeonshadChinese
characters stampedontheirwingsinredinkand had ringsaroundtheirfeet.Youcan’t be too
careful sotheywere takenintocustodyandan investigationlaunched.
Thankfully,the birdshave beenclearedof anyclandestine activityasthe investigationshowedthat
theywere ownedbyhomingpigeonclubsinotherAsiancountriesandhadbeenreleasedoverthe
seafor racing competitions. Eithertheybecameexhaustedor were justbeingbloodydifficultand
contrary,but theyendinguplandingalongthe Vietnamesecoast.
Mind you,the Chinese themselvesare prettywaryof birds.
A feature of the celebrationof China’sNational DayonOctober1 each yearis the release of ten
thousanddovesinTiananmenSquare inthe capital,Beijing.It’sall aboutsymbolism –youknow the
dovesof peace and all of that.
Justbefore lastyear’scelebrationthe State-run“People’sDaily”reportedthatsoafraidwere
authoritiesof aterroristattack,theyhad everysingle birdsubjectedtoan “analsecurity check for
suspiciousobjects”andwhile theywere aboutit,all theirfeatherswere checkedaswell.
The Beijingsecuritypolice chief wasquotedinanotherState-runnewspaperassaying thatthe tests
well aheadof time wasdone toensure theywere “notcarrying suspiciousmaterial” and the whole
processwasvideotapedandthe birdsloadedintosealedvehiclesforthe triptothe capital andthe
bigevent.

2. I don’tknowif dovesare capable of seriousthoughtbutif Iwas one the last thingI wouldbe
thinkingof afterenduringthishumiliation,painandinvasionof privacywouldbe peace.Infact,I’d
be spreadingthe wordto myfeatheredfriendsthateveryone of usswoopdownonthe assembled
guestsafterrelease andventorificeswhile tweeting “bombsaway”.
Meanwhile,researchersatthe Oregon Health and Science University (USA) have beenhavinglots
and lotsof fun gettingbirdspissed.InitiallyIthoughtof whathappenedatmy lastoffice Christmas
party butthese scientistsare serious. Myinitial reactionwasthattheywere the oneswithbird
brains.
Anyhow,theygota bunchof finchessloshed,bringingtheirbloodalcohol level to.08 percent which,
theyadvise,isprettycrazyby birdstandards.It seemsthatbirdslearntosingin muchthe same way
we learnto talk – indeed,birdsongandspeechevenrelyonthe same genes.
Since it’smucheasierandsomewhatlesscontroversial tokeepabirdina cage and studyitsbrain
than keepingakiddie similarlycontained(evenif some parents hadvolunteeredtheirlittleprecious
ones),birdsgive scientistssome of ourbestinsightsintothe brainmechanismsthatmake speech
possible.
“At first wewere thinking thatthey wouldn’tdrinkon their own because,you know,a lotof animals
won’ttouch thestuff.Butthey seem to tolerate it pretty well and be somewhatwilling to consume
it,” one researchersaid.
Andguesswhat?Once theywere drunkas an owl – no,I haven’teverencounteredadrunkenowl
but even whentheyare sobertheylookprettyintimidating –theystartedslurringtheirsongs. “The
mostpronounced effectsweredecreased amplitudeand increased entropy,”saidthe researcher
whichisscience-speakforsayingtheirsongsbecame quieterandlessorganised.
Funnythat I thought – not aboutthe lessorganisedbit –but the fact that theybecome quieter.
Some birdsI knowscreamtheirbloodyheadsoff afterasmall shandy.
Andnot all parts of theirsongswere equallyaffected –theirsongsare made up of specificsyllables
whichhave distinctacousticstructures – sosome were more garbledintipsybirdsthanothers.Just
imagine, “Why,why Delighter...Debra.. Deniser. ..and so beforethey knockdown thethingy...” and
you’ll getthe idea.