2. 1.Order the “Super-Chunky
Super-Dark Fat-Man’s
Fudge Melt” at Gretta’s
Same Damn Kitchen
(Don’t forget the napkins…you’ll need
‘em!) And take home a gift box of
Gretta’s famous “Rabbit M&M’s” for
the folks back home. Everything’s
made fresh right on the premises
(or in the unattached garage).
INSIDER’S TIP: The lines are shorter
after midnight and on Shavuos.
3. 2.Skinny dip with the
locals in the Ohio River.
Then stay up all night laughing with
horror and clawing away at the
industrial sludge. One thing your
whole family will agree on: itching
and burning were never like this!
Before long, somebody’s bound to
get a game going, and everyone’s
welcome to join in. Whether it’s
“What’s That On Your Neck?”,
“Well, It’s Definitely Infected Now!”,
or perennial favorite “Mother of God,
What’s on Me?!?!”, just be yourself
and everybody’s sure to like you.
4. 3.
Watch them pack in
the fudge ice cream at
Graeter’ – a Cincinnati
institution since 1870*
By the way, heads up to the lactose
intolerant! Graeter’s ice cream is a
super-rich, heavy cream, whipped
buttermilk, double-fat, legless
Jersey Cow, genetically enhanced
dairy product and may upset your
stomach. ‘Course one taste, and it’s
hard not to join in the fun! But don’t
worry. There’s a couple of extra
shitters in the back. And this year,
we’ve even roped off a special
Express Line for those who can do
their business in 60 seconds or less.
INSIDER’S TIP: If your server is
Mr. Arth (look for the name on his
pin or the purpl-ish growth on his
neck), order the works and watch
his back go out!
5. 4.
Watch them pack in
the fudge at the Gramp’s
Back Door Fudgery.
Gramp still runs the show and
rules the roost, 14 hours a day,
365 days a year, ever since he
opened the little shack
The Advocate calls “CinnCinn’s
best fudge secret.” The Fudgery’s
creaky hide-covered door first
opened in 1938 (in response to
Hitler’s annexation of
The Sudatenland.) And there’ll
be “no horsin’ around” with
Gramp in charge, thanks to
his famous “in-bred & un-fed”
Dobermans. “I been known to
drop a leash from time to time,”
Gramp likes to say with a grin.
“Hey, I’m old. Enjoy the fudge.”
6. 5.
Watch them pack in the
fudge at the giant new
Trump International
Fudge Factory, Casino
and Discount Outlet
Get there early on a Tuesday
morning, and you’ll see union
picketers get beaten down hard by
Cincinnati’s finest. Just don’t blink
or you’ll miss it! Then clap along
as the police march down Main St.
back to the precinct, chanting
“Tasers, Shmazers, Hit ‘em with
a club…”
7. Ride the historic
B&O Railroad
SUPER FUN-FACT: Believe it or not,
B & O is actually a cryptic abbreviation
for “Baltimore & Ohio”. Originally
chartered way back in 1827, the fully
restored locomotive with its giant cow-
catcher in front proudly leads the way.
‘Course folks old enough to remember
the 1931 “Night of the Dradle” incident
still call it the “Jew Plow.” If you like
Depression-era history, you’ll can hear
the whole story and other nuggets of
local yore down at “Sam’s Barber Shop,”
“Sam’s Animal Grooming Salon,”
or “Samantha’s Wigs For
The Open-Minded.”
6.
8. Cage-Match
Cock-Fighting
The location’s always changin’,
(one step ahead of the local “chicken
huggers”), so ask around. Broken-
down looking seniors are your best
bet. Just ask for the “robin’s nest”
while making the sign of the cross.
They’ll know you’re hip to the scene,
and, for 5 bucks or a pack of Pall
Malls, they’ll give you the address.
INSIDER’S TIP: Don’t believe the big
sign at the door. Butcher’s knives
and rotisserie forks are still wel-
comed with a wink and a nod.
7.
9. Stop by the “National Hog
Slaughterhouse Museum”
Enjoy a frozen moment in time at
this can’t-miss tourist favorite.
Every year it’s a different theme.
This year: “The Back-Story On B
acon.” And, as Cincinnati-un’s like to
say, “This place aint just fer show.”
Out back the museum is still a
functioning round-the-clock
Hog-Slaughter Facility — an integral
link in the famous Cincinnati
Un-Inspected Meat System (featured
on a special one-hour “60 Minutes”).
INSIDER’S TIP: From April 5th –
May 28th, catch 91-year old
funnyman Mr. Ulysses pickin’ the
banjo and singin’ his famous “Ham-
hocks, Bacon & The Hog-Slaughter
Blues.” Shows are every 8 minutes.
AAA discount, except on weekends.
8.
10. King Arthur’s
Candy Battlefield.
Your kids are gonna just keep
nagging you, right? So why fight it?
Bring ‘em to King Arthur’s Candy
Battlefield, where youngen’s of all
ages can win gum, oak bark,
and other sweet treats in simple
matches of Medi-Evil battle skill.
All the classic weapons of the
Middle Ages are there,
functioning and razor sharp: from
the “Spiked Flail Battle Mace” to
“20 Foot Jousting Lances” to the
crowd favorite, “Heavy Flying
Impalers.” Even if you don’t have
kids, it’s well worth the 30 cents
admission just for the show alone.
And if you want to place a friendly
wager, see Betty and Gert, who sit
on the big barrels.
9.
11. Cincinnati’s annual
“Battle of The Angry
Drunks.”
Trust me friend, this you do NOT
want to miss! Bring a book, ‘cause
things starts out pretty slow as
these washed up booze-hounds
drink and play keno. But, stick
around, ‘cause when the cussin’
finally starts, the sparks are sure
to fly in an orgy of blood-lust and
cannibalism you’ll be tellin’ the
folks back home about for weeks.
Cameras are prohibited, but pastel
sketch pads are welcome. So make
a big circle on the calendar for
August, and the Queen City’s
proudest tradition.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Learn from my
mistake. Don’t wander far from the
door. And, if your child runs into
the pit, don’t go after him.)
10.
