1. The GreatAustralian Novel
Russell Grenning
I’ve beenthinkingaboutwritingthe GreatAustralianNovel.
The multitudesof peoplewhoare inawe of my literaryskillshave beenurgingme towrite thisbook.
PerhapsnotmultitudesexactlybutIcan actuallyname two.Unfortunatelyone isdeadandthe other
isin an institutionwhichthe politicallycorrectreferto,Ithink,as a “high care facility”.
Naturally,mybookwill be sweepinginitsbrilliance,instantly absorbinginitssensitive descriptionof
finelydrawncharacters,breathtakingly audacious initsmagnificentplotandwritteninastyle thatis
ironicyetsympathetic,defiantyetseductiveand – above all – bold,daringand unflinchinginitsraw
courage.
Whenthe literati andotherdenizensthatinhabitthe worldof the demimondegathertodiscuss
Australianliterature,Iwantthe conversationto gosomethinglike this: “Yes,PatrickWhite doeshave
his good pointsbuthaveyou read Grenning’s magnumopus?Itsearsthesoul.”
Yes,White is – so far – our onlyNobel Prize winnerforliteratureandIthinkhe is rathergood
actually.Please note my careful and,Ithink,judiciousinsertionof the term “so far”.Didyouknow
that he actuallyturneddownthe offerof a knighthood?Well,there’snofalse modestyaboutme
nowthat knighthoodsare back.
I wantto receive the MilesFranklinAwardaswell, modestlyloweringmyeyeswhile rapturous
applause thundersacrossthe Melbourne CricketGroundspeciallyhiredforthe eventtotryand
accommodate myfans. The MilesFranklinprize isconsideredthe benchmarkforAustraliannovels
and at the MCG ceremony,Iwouldnotbe surprisedif the folkswhorunit announcedthattheyare
closingitdownbecause nonovel couldeverreachthe commandingheightsof –well,youknow.
Perhapsthe bookshouldbe semi-autobiographical –a story simplyyetbravelytoldof triumphover
adversity.Somethinglike:“Iwasthe11th
of the 15 children my mother,an alcoholicprostitute,had
to fourteen differentmen.Welived in a two-roomhovel,slepton rotting straw and wereregularly
thrashed by herdrunken clients forcrying becauseof ourgnawing hunger, yetIescaped thatmisery
and becamethe successfuland respected man I amtoday.”
It’snot true but, “I wasthe eldest of two boysborn to my respectably married parentsand we lived
in a lovely,and love-filled,middle class home.I neverwanted foranything and aftercompleting
secondary school,Iwenton to study...” Well,youknow whatI mean;it justsomehow lacksimpact
evenif itistrue. Maybe I shouldscrubthe autobiographical idea.
I knowthat youhave to grab the reader’sattentionwiththe openingsentence and,regrettably,I’ve
discoveredthat“Itwasa darkand stormy night...” hasbeenusedandas far back as 1830. Perhaps,
this– “A singleshot shattered theinky blacknessof the nightand Tarquin slumped forward,his slim-
cut Armanisuit,beautifully complemented by a Ralph Lauren silk tie overa charming Hardy Amies
purelinen shirt,flew open.In his horrible death throesoneof his ECCO Edinburgh loafers,in a
contrasting yetboldly daring deep brown,somehow becamedetached from oneof hisfeet.I was
shocked – the sockon thatexposed foothad been darned.”

2. Perhapsitneedsa wee bitof workbut I’mconfidentthatI have capturedthe moodand,therefore,
the reader.
Didyou knowthat a bookwas publishedin2011 withthe title of “The Great Australian Novel– A
Panorama”? It’ssupposedtobe a review of contemporaryAustraliannovelistsyetitwaswrittenby
somebodycalledJean-FrancoisVernayandinFrenchforthe French.The Englishtranslationcame
later.
I’ve come to the reasonable conclusionthatthis“book”wasproducedinthe same Gallictradition
that allowedtheirnucleartestsatMoruroa Attol.What wouldthe bloodyFrenchknow?Infact,
duringthose nucleartests Igave seriousthought – veryseriousthought – to downgradingmy
bubblesfrommyusual LouisRoedererCristal tosome ordinaryDomPerignon. WhenI’mangry,Ican
getveryangry.
Anyway,backto my proposedbook.
While notnecessarilyautobiographical,the maincharacterwill inmanywaysreflectme.He will
have a manlyreserve,agruff ruggedness,asteelyindividualismandaheroicstoicismthatshrugsoff
painyet,at the same time,innerwarmth,acore of compassionandthe veryembodimentof
Australianmateship,love of familyandtraditionalfamilyvalues.
I betyou are alreadywonderingwhyTarquin’ssockwasdarned.