Gramps, Grammy and Grief: Engaging Elderly and Kinship Caregivers in Your Grief Support Programming (Layne)

1. GRAMPS, GRANNY & GRIEF:
RAISING GRANDKIDS
Alesia Alexander Layne, MSW, LCSW
2010 NAGC Symposium
Cleveland, OH June, 2010

2. Kinship Care
The full-time
care,
nurturing, and
protection of
children by
relatives,
members of
their tribes or
clans,
godparents,
stepparents,
or any adult
with a kinship
bond with a
child.

3. Who is doing it?
 According to the US Census, approximately
200,000 children, about 1/3 of all children in
foster care are in the care of relatives.
 More than 2 million grandparents are raising 4.5
million children, and other relatives are raising an
additional 1.5 million.

4. The Grandkids are Coming…Now what?!
Many elderly caregivers are now confronted with their golden years being transformed
from retirement and relaxation, to a second go at parenting due to losses.

5. From Grieving Child to POTUS…
Kinship care is not new, we can harness the power of extended family to build
stronger programs, and interventions.

6. Feelings Associated with Kinship Care
 Doubt  Joy
 Anger  Resentment
 Disappointment  Pain
 Confusion  Powerlessness
 Worry  Loss of control
 Fear
 Guilt
 Regret

7. Concerns of the Elderly Caregiver
Parents Elderly Caregivers
 Finances  Finances
 Family history  Own health issues
 New to parenting  Legal issues
 Feelings associated  Family history
with birth/addition  Feelings of
Success/Failure in
Parenting
 Feelings associated
with loss

8. Losses Associated with Kinship Care
 Incarcerations
 Abandonment
 Substance Abuse Issues
 Blended families due to finances, or health issues
 Death
 Removal from home due to abuse/neglect

9. How we hurt…
 Not respecting the age  Not paying attention to
or status of the cultural cues.
caregiver.  Not providing for “old
 Stereotypes. school”/low to no tech
 Assumptions about age. methods of
communication.
 Assumptions about
nature of loss.  Not enough face to face
contact.
 Not letting
caregiver/child identify
or define loss.

10. The “New Jack” Grandparent
 Younger
 Does not fit into stereotypical “granny/gramps” role
 Has improved life outcomes.
 May have own blended family, parenting history
 Own history of abuse/loss/guilt about first time
parenting experience(s).
 Own grief journey.

11. Caregiving Needs
 Self-care  Information
 Boundaries  Training
 Multiple approaches  Practice
 Flexibility  Time management
 Consistency  Planning
 Support  Respite
 Networking  Redefinition of
 Access roles/family

12. Families in Therapy
 Goal: Create a safe and non-judgmental space for
sharing, and for creating “story”.
 Group work is a resource for helping kids and their
families put their story and history in perspective.
 Should intrinsically support whatever that storyline is.
 Loss is a defining factor in how a child/teen creates
their identity, and develops a script for resilience and
for finding their place in the world at large.
 Grandparents/Kinship caregivers can promote
incredible levels of sharing, and of filling holes for
children/teens.

13. Kinship Care
Mommy • Main Caregiver
“Granny” • Significant
Relative
“Cissy” • Strong Sibling
11 years Role
old • Other older kids
• Other
“Auntie Significant
Adults, (may be
Rusha” blood-related)
or friends

14. Kinship Care
Grandma/ “Auntie
Grandpa Jennifer”
“Mama” Daddy
Brooks
Granny “Auntie
Pam”
“Auntie
“Auntie Rusha”
Yeh
Yah”

15. Family History
 What is the family stance on secrets?
 How does secret impact functioning?
 Many families will only seek help from others when
secrets have come out, and become crisis proportions.
 Many elderly caregivers have little, to no tools for
“talking” it out.
 Due to culture
 Age
 Respect
 Beliefs about role of kids in families
 Taboo or stigma attached to loss/change.

16. Secrets…
 Two kinds
o Known
o Unknown
Practitioner has huge role in creating a safe place for
exploring secrets:
 Must understand the history of, and power of “codes”.
 What is the family or child/teen’s definition of “protection”?
 Who gets hurt/helped by the secret?
 Timing IMPORTANT.
 Your role is not to tell the secret; but to facilitate the safety of
sharing, or to prepare the family for the consequences of not
telling.

17. How we help…
 Second-time Parent Support Groups
 Offer services to law enforcement and victim’s advocacy
groups
 Referral sources and resource links on websites and in
community centers.
 Teach communication skills.
 Facilitate communication.
 Reunification preparation/goal definition.
 Education and awareness building on grief experience for
elder care agencies and parent/caregivers.

18. Interventions
 Support Network Identification
 Communication Skill Building
 Life Skills
 Rehearsal
 Referrals
 Parent/Caregiver Support/Education
 Caregiver roundtables
 Enhanced resource lists

19. Resources
 Age-appropriate  Speaks to myth and
 Pays attention to detail reality
 Speaks a kid’s/young  Does not perpetuate
person’s language dangerous stereotypes
 Colorful or messages.
 Captures attention  Honest
 Has many different  Simple
extensions.  Allows for questions.
 Involves the senses.

20. Caregiver Resources
 Easy to read
 Simple
 Larger Print
 Multi-lingual
 Bullets
 Resources in print &
digital
 Includes access points
to service/follow-up

21. YOUR Resources
 Legal  Homework helplines
 Judicial  Poison Control
 Adoption Services  Baby/child proofing
 Foster care  Party Planning
 Juvenile Justice  Special Needs
 Addictions Support  Therapists
 Homelessness Services  Health Departments
 School/Academic  Camps
Support  Respite Care/Daycare

22. Advocacy
 Create and disseminate family-friendly calendars of your
events. Always provide for low, to no cost admissions for
families.
 Support and vote for initiatives that support urban
neighborhoods, parks, programming.
 Make sure you address caregivers as they wish to be
addressed. Avoid over-familiarity, use of first names until
they tell you it is OK.
 Check in often to see if the caregiver has resources, for
self care.
 Regularly hold parenting education classes as a part of
your programming.

23. For more information: www.project-karma.org