Bilingual

1. 1

2. 2
Hallucinations
on my mother’s death
By Aida Haddad (1990)
Translated into English
by May Haddad (1991, edits 2012)
Under the wheels…
Your heart is ever crushed
under the wheels.
Neutrality towards you,
Is your ultimate desire in exile.
No rocks shall be thrown
At the glass wall of the heart.
Suddenly the phone rang
Bells condolencing
The death of your mother.
‫يم‬‫أ‬ ‫موت‬ ‫عىل‬ ‫هلوسات‬
‫حداد‬ ‫عايدة‬0991
‫العجالت‬ ‫حتت‬...
‫بدا‬‫أ‬ ‫قلبك‬ ‫مسحوق‬
‫العجالت‬ ‫حتت‬.
‫بة‬‫ر‬‫الغ‬ ‫يف‬ ‫متناه‬‫ت‬ ‫ما‬ ‫قىص‬‫أ‬:
‫اجتاهك‬ ‫حيادية‬ ‫ياء‬‫ش‬‫ال‬ ‫تكون‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬.
‫ا‬‫رب‬‫خ‬ ‫كل‬ ‫حتمل‬ ‫ال‬‫أ‬
‫ابلصخر‬ ‫القلب‬ ‫زجاج‬ ‫يريم‬.
‫الهاتف‬ ‫رن‬ ‫ة‬‫جفأ‬
‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫تنعي‬ ‫اسا‬‫ر‬‫ج‬‫أ‬.

3. 3
Crucified coffins,
Thousands of messiahs,
Screaming "Oh lord".
And the road to Goglotha
Is brimming with false blood.
Suppressed screams inside you,
A primitive grunting…
You visualize
her soft face
In your heart.
Springs explode…
If you could share
Your heart beats with her.
If you could appeal
to her heart
That stopped so rapidly
To beat a little bit longer…
So that you see her
once more…
Even for a short while.
‫بة‬‫و‬‫مصل‬ ‫ابيت‬‫و‬‫ت‬
‫يح‬‫مس‬ ‫لف‬‫أ‬ ‫و‬
‫يصيح‬"‫بتاه‬‫أ‬"،
‫اجللجةل‬ ‫يق‬‫ر‬‫ط‬ ‫و‬
‫تعار‬‫املس‬ ‫ابدلم‬ ‫بح‬‫تس‬.
‫مكتوم‬ ‫اء‬‫و‬‫ع‬ ‫ادلاخل‬ ‫يف‬ ‫و‬...
‫مهجي‬ ‫نني‬‫أ‬.
‫وهجها‬ ‫يطل‬
‫القلب‬ ‫يف‬
‫قيقة‬‫ر‬‫ال‬ ‫طاللته‬‫ا‬.
‫ينابيع‬ ‫تتفجر‬...
‫قلبك‬ ‫دقات‬ ‫تشاركها‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬ ‫متكل‬ ‫لو‬.
‫قلهبا‬ ‫ترجو‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬ ‫متكل‬ ‫لو‬
‫الوقوف‬ ‫غىل‬ ‫تسارع‬ ‫اذلي‬
‫قليال‬ ‫لو‬ ‫و‬ ‫خيفق‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬...
‫خرية‬‫أ‬ ‫مرة‬ ‫اها‬‫ر‬‫ت‬ ‫حىت‬...
‫ل‬ ‫و‬‫قليال‬ ‫و‬.

4. 4
Pity a tomorrow
That lost its purpose.
When you miss
your childhood
Where would you
return to?
When the strange cities
expel you
Where would you
return to?
Objects are emptied
of memories,
Past insinuations fall
Into a well without a shade.
You look from the plane’s window
Looking for something-
You only find a suspended black space
Suspended like a funny page
On a small aperture.
Your mother is in the city,
‫غد‬ ‫من‬ ‫يكل‬‫و‬
‫حموره‬ ‫ضاع‬.
‫لتك‬‫و‬‫طف‬ ‫ىل‬‫ا‬ ‫حتن‬ ‫حني‬
‫تعود؟‬ ‫ين‬‫أ‬
‫يبة‬‫ر‬‫الغ‬ ‫املدن‬ ‫تلفظك‬ ‫حني‬
‫تعود؟‬ ‫ين‬‫أ‬
‫اذلكرايت‬ ‫تنفض‬
،‫ياء‬‫ش‬‫ال‬ ‫عن‬
‫املايض‬ ‫حياءات‬‫ا‬ ‫تسقط‬
‫برئ‬ ‫يف‬
‫هل‬ ‫ظالل‬ ‫ال‬.
‫الطائرة‬ ‫باك‬‫ش‬ ‫من‬ ‫تنظر‬
‫يشء‬ ‫عن‬ ‫تفتش‬-
‫سود‬‫أ‬ ‫فضاء‬ ‫ال‬‫ا‬ ‫جتد‬ ‫ال‬
‫سخيفة‬‫ل‬‫ا‬ ‫اكلصفحة‬ ‫علق‬
‫الصغ‬ ‫كوهتا‬ ‫عىل‬‫رية‬.

5. 5
but the city is not yours.
Your mother is no longer yours.
The streets are empty without her.
The house is invaded
By a very sterile emptiness.
Your belly pains
are defeated.
You returned to Beirut
To burry your mother
And to bury a part of yourself.
You came back to Beirut
To be near her
And search
For your own remains.
You searched for your
personal salvation
You left Beirut at a time
When you couldn't plant a twig
That is cut from its roots.
‫املدينة‬ ‫يف‬ ‫مك‬‫أ‬
‫كل‬ ‫يست‬‫ل‬ ‫املدينة‬ ‫و‬.
‫كل‬ ‫تعد‬ ‫مل‬ ‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫و‬.
‫مهنا‬ ‫ختلو‬ ‫ارع‬‫و‬‫الش‬.
‫عقمي‬ ‫اغ‬‫ر‬‫ف‬ ‫بيت‬‫ل‬‫ا‬ ‫جيتاح‬.
‫حشائك‬‫أ‬ ‫يف‬ ‫مل‬‫ال‬ ‫يهنزم‬.
‫بريوت‬ ‫ىل‬‫ا‬ ‫عدت‬
‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫لتدفن‬
‫ذاتك‬ ‫من‬ ‫شيئا‬ ‫و‬.
‫بريوت‬ ‫ىل‬‫ا‬ ‫عدت‬
‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫من‬ ‫لتقرتب‬
‫ذاتك‬ ‫فتات‬ ‫عن‬ ‫تبحث‬ ‫و‬.
‫الفردي‬ ‫خالصك‬ ‫عن‬ ‫تشت‬‫ف‬.
‫بريوت‬ ‫من‬ ‫خرجت‬.
‫ال‬ ‫نت‬‫أ‬ ‫و‬‫زرع‬ ‫تتقن‬
‫جذوره‬ ‫عن‬ ‫املقطوع‬ ‫الغصن‬.

6. 6
What remains of you
Is a dry and mute stem
With leaves that wind
Rushes to bury
In an alien soil.
How delicious was the last meal
That she had prepared.
You throw all your sorrows
In the unconsciousness
That is why,
You need to sleep
For a long time
Your sister sits near her bed
Holding her hand
That became more transparent
She asks the doctors
Not to deform her body
with their knives and tubes
‫خرس‬‫أ‬ ‫جاف‬ ‫عود‬ ‫ال‬‫ا‬ ‫منك‬ ‫يبقى‬ ‫ال‬
‫الرحي‬ ‫تسابق‬‫ت‬ ‫وراق‬‫أ‬ ‫و‬
‫دها‬‫أ‬‫و‬ ‫عىل‬
‫تعار‬‫مس‬ ‫اب‬‫ر‬‫ت‬ ‫يف‬.
‫طيب‬‫أ‬ ‫ما‬
‫عدته‬‫أ‬ ‫طعام‬ ‫خر‬‫أ‬.
‫نك‬‫ا‬‫ز‬‫ح‬‫أ‬ ‫لك‬ ‫تقذف‬
‫الالوعي‬ ‫يف‬
‫لهذا‬ ‫و‬،‫حتتاج‬
‫يال‬‫و‬‫ط‬ ‫تنام‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬
‫يرها‬‫رس‬ ‫قرب‬ ‫ختك‬‫أ‬ ‫جتلس‬
‫شفافية‬ ‫زدادت‬‫ا‬ ‫اليت‬ ‫يدها‬ ‫متسك‬
‫طباء‬‫ال‬ ‫من‬ ‫تطلب‬
‫ساككيهنم‬ ‫و‬ ‫انبيهبم‬‫بأ‬ ‫يشوهوها‬ ‫ال‬‫أ‬.
‫يفهمون‬ ‫ال‬...

7. 7
They don’t understand…
Your mother enters the room
And embraces your sister
Then, they pray together
for your mother
who had surrendered to the crucifixion
You came back to Beirut
To bury your mother.
Your mother is a purple rose
In your desert.
And your mother sang
chants of kindness.
Going back and forth
between the rocks of your age
And you, without her,
Are devoid of sanctity
With a suspended spirit
An outcast from paradise.
You hide your pain
Until it turns into lees
‫فة‬‫ر‬‫الغ‬ ‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫تدخل‬
‫ختك‬‫أ‬ ‫حتضن‬ ‫و‬
‫معا‬ ‫تصليان‬ ‫مث‬
‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫جل‬‫أ‬ ‫من‬
‫للصليب‬ ‫تسلمة‬‫ملس‬‫ا‬.
‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫لتدفن‬ ‫بريوت‬ ‫ىل‬‫ا‬ ‫عدت‬.
‫سجية‬‫بنف‬ ‫زهرة‬ ‫مك‬‫أ‬‫و‬
‫ائك‬‫ر‬‫حص‬ ‫يف‬.
‫للطف‬‫ا‬ ‫لويه‬‫أ‬ ‫نغم‬ ‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫و‬
‫معرك‬ ‫خصور‬ ‫بني‬ ‫يرتدد‬.
،‫بدوهنا‬ ،‫نت‬‫أ‬ ‫و‬
‫عاري‬‫ية‬‫القدس‬
‫الروح‬ ‫منكس‬
‫اجلنة‬ ‫نبوذ‬‫م‬.
‫نك‬‫ا‬‫ز‬‫ح‬‫أ‬ ‫جتفف‬
‫الامثةل‬ ‫حىت‬

8. 8
And store it in yourself
For days to come
Days without joy
Nor sadness.
Your few joys are to people
But you are careful
That you are the only one
To feed on your pains.
“They put the things
That she liked in the coffin?”
Then take:
She liked to give as the jasmine
Spread her spirit to the wind
Take giving
And put it in the coffin.
She liked to be happy.
A little happiness
Enchanted her fragile self.
Take happiness
‫ذاتك‬ ‫يف‬ ‫هنا‬‫ز‬‫خت‬ ‫و‬
‫ايم‬‫أ‬ ‫زوادة‬
‫مرح‬ ‫فهيا‬ ‫ليس‬
‫ىس‬‫أ‬ ‫فهيا‬ ‫ليس‬.
‫للناس‬ ‫القليةل‬ ‫احك‬‫ر‬‫ف‬‫أ‬
‫يص‬‫ر‬‫حف‬ ‫وجاعك‬‫أ‬ ‫ما‬‫أ‬
‫وحدك‬ ‫مهنا‬ ‫تقتات‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬.
"‫النعش‬ ‫يف‬
‫حتهبا؟‬ ‫اليت‬ ‫ياءها‬‫ش‬‫أ‬ ‫يضعون‬"
‫ا‬‫و‬‫خذ‬ ‫ذا‬‫ا‬:
‫تعطي‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬ ‫حتب‬ ‫نت‬‫اك‬
‫ينة‬‫مس‬‫اليا‬ ‫كام‬
‫ت‬‫للرحي‬ ‫روهحا‬ ‫نرث‬.
‫العطاء‬ ‫ا‬‫و‬‫خذ‬
‫النعش‬ ‫يف‬ ‫ضعوه‬ ‫و‬.
‫تفرح‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬ ‫حتب‬ ‫نت‬‫اك‬.

9. 9
And put it in the coffin.
She liked to smile.
She hid with the smile
The deprivation
That invaded all her dreams.
Take all smiling
And put it in the coffin.
Then take
childhood at its dawn
And the beauty
of the blossom
With its colors
are radiant
in the face of the sun,
The blight of the river
And take…
And leave it
by your
mother’s side
In the casket.
‫الفرح‬ ‫من‬ ‫القليل‬ ‫القليل‬ ‫و‬
‫ية‬‫ر‬‫الط‬ ‫ذاهنا‬ ‫يطرب‬ ‫اكن‬.
‫الفرح‬ ‫ا‬‫و‬‫خذ‬
‫النعش‬ ‫يف‬ ‫ضعوه‬ ‫و‬.
‫تسم‬‫تب‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬ ‫حتب‬ ‫نت‬‫اك‬.
‫هنش‬ ‫اذلي‬ ‫حرماهنا‬ ‫ختفي‬
‫تسم‬‫تب‬ ‫و‬ ‫فته‬‫ر‬‫ع‬ ‫حمل‬ ‫لك‬.
‫لكه‬ ‫تسام‬‫ب‬‫اال‬ ‫ا‬‫و‬‫خذ‬
‫النعش‬ ‫يف‬ ‫وضعوه‬.
‫يف‬ ‫الطفوةل‬ ‫ا‬‫و‬‫خذ‬ ‫مث‬‫جفرها‬
‫ترق‬ ‫حني‬ ‫لربمع‬‫ا‬ ‫وجامل‬
،‫الشمس‬ ‫وجه‬ ‫يف‬ ‫نه‬‫ا‬‫و‬‫ل‬‫أ‬
‫تكني‬‫يس‬ ‫حني‬ ‫القمر‬ ‫تعايل‬‫و‬
‫ا‬‫و‬‫خذ‬ ‫و‬ ‫الهنر‬ ‫لفحة‬...
‫ا‬‫و‬‫خذ‬ ‫و‬...
‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫نب‬‫ا‬‫جب‬ ‫كوها‬‫ر‬‫ات‬‫و‬
‫النعش‬ ‫يف‬.

10. 10
You said: departure is sick
of my baggage.
You said: exile is waiting for me.
It is unacceptable to be late.
You said: Beirut shall carry
the roses to her.
You said:
Beirut is now
equal to other cities
It becomes
an airport.
Yes, relax your head
on your mother's chest
More than what you
have ever done before.
Yes, love her in her death
More than you have
ever done before.
Yes, eat her bread
That is raised towards the sky
And drink her toast, God’s wine
‫قلت‬:‫حقائيب‬ ‫الرحيل‬ ‫مئ‬‫س‬.
‫قلت‬:‫نتظاري‬‫ا‬ ‫يف‬ ‫بة‬‫ر‬‫الغ‬.
‫علهيا‬ ‫خر‬‫تأ‬‫أ‬ ‫ن‬‫أ‬ ‫جيوز‬ ‫ال‬.
‫قلت‬:‫الزهور‬ ‫لهيا‬‫ا‬ ‫تحمل‬‫س‬ ‫بريوت‬
‫قلت‬:
‫بريوت‬ ‫تساوى‬‫ت‬‫ن‬‫ال‬
،‫املدن‬ ‫ببايق‬
‫ا‬‫ر‬‫مطا‬ ‫تصري‬.
‫سك‬‫أ‬‫ر‬ ‫رخ‬‫أ‬ ،‫نعم‬
‫مك‬‫أ‬ ‫صدر‬ ‫عىل‬
‫قبل‬ ‫من‬ ‫تفعل‬ ‫مل‬ ‫كام‬.
‫املوت‬ ‫يف‬ ‫حبهبا‬‫أ‬ ،‫نعم‬
‫قبل‬ ‫من‬ ‫تفعل‬ ‫مل‬ ‫كام‬.
‫خزبها‬ ‫تناول‬ ،‫نعم‬
‫السامء‬ ‫حنو‬ ‫فوع‬‫ر‬‫امل‬
‫هللا‬ ‫نبيذ‬ ‫خنهبا‬ ‫ارشب‬‫و‬

11. 11
Maybe you purify yourself
From your petty humanity.
You said:
It is time to travel.
I travel.
You said:
Let me go with my mother
Farewell to me…
‫تطهر‬‫ت‬ ‫عكل‬
‫نيتك‬‫ا‬‫نس‬‫ا‬ ‫قزم‬ ‫من‬.
‫قلت‬:
‫السفر‬ ‫موعد‬ ‫حل‬.
‫سافر‬‫أ‬.
‫قلت‬:
‫يم‬‫أ‬ ‫مع‬ ‫ذهب‬‫فل‬
‫لنودعين‬...