1. 10 ParentCircle | November 2015
I
f you run the word ‘respect’
through your mind what images
appear before you? The faces
of your parents, grandparents
and, maybe, a teacher; the touching
of feet and the folding of hands in
a gesture of deference to the other
person might be some of the first
associations you make. The word
‘respect’ rarely brings up the image
of a toddler, repeatedly calling for his
parents’ attention; or a teenaged girl
trying to negotiate with her dad for
an outing past sunset. So, let us ask
ourselves what respect really means,
as opposed to our perception. Let
us ask ourselves why and how to
respect our children, who certainly
are individuals in their own right, with
aspirations, beliefs, fears, needs and
the whole gamut of human emotions.
INTROSPECTING RESPECT
Respect sure is serious business!
We hear the word being used
frequently in the context of
expectations of being treated with
respect, and feeling hurt and let
down when treated with
disrespect. But what does it really
mean when we say we want to be
respected? Speaking at an event
hosted by Schools of Equality,
Uma Shanker, Director General of
Indian Montessori Centre, ponders,
“What does the word ‘respect’ mean
to us? Is it recognition, acceptance,
understanding and empathy? This
one word has so many associations,
but one thing is for sure. Respect is
a two-way street. This street needs
to be worked on. I recently read
this, ‘Respect is an unassuming and
resounding force; the stuff that
equity and justice are made of’.”
Truly, respect is, above all things,
acknowledging another person.
RESPECTFULLY
RAISING
CHILDREN
by MALINI GOPALAKRISHNAN
This Children's Day, let us honour childhood by giving our
children their due and treating them with the respect they
deserve by virtue of their being individuals.
viewpointparenting

2. November 2015 | ParentCircle 11
RESPECT AND THE EARLY YEARS
In a lifestyle dominated by
distractions, mounting pressures
and scarcity of time, we often
forget to notice that our children
are individuals in their own right.
They want to be noticed, need to
be understood and deserve to be
respected. Uma Shanker adds, “Do
we respect our children? How do we
show our respect? We don't need
to stand up when a child comes
into the room. In the Montessori
community, we say that we have to
become worthy of the child. Loving
the child is not enough; you have
to respect the child. Children have
some wonderful qualities and they
need to be acknowledged.”
Uma also believes that children are
more sensitive to our emotions than
we actually realise. “The way we
listen to our toddlers is important.
It is not just the words, but the
emotions in those words that need
to be registered. From a very early
age, children try to express how they
feel. A child who has been left at
school by his mother or his father
might cry, because he doesn’t have
the words yet to explain how he
feels. Normally as adults, we respond
by saying, ‘Don’t cry’. Just like any
other individual, they need time to
get through an emotion and try to
understand why they are feeling
that way. If you legitimise their
feelings, children feel understood
and accepted. Respect cannot be
achieved without being mindful of
the other person,” she explains.
TEENAGE YEARS –
CONTROL VS CAMARADERIE
What is it about the teen years that
drives parents into such a tizzy? Dr
Vijay Nagaswami, eminent Psychiatrist
and Author, explains, “Our primary
fear, as parents of teenagers, is not
see this angst-ridden behaviour as
‘disrespectful’. When we say that
our children do not respect us, we
basically mean that our children are
not obeying us. Respect has nothing
to do with obedience.” After all,
how can we respect our soon-to-be
adults if we are too busy trying to
control them?
Dr Nagaswami adds, “The period
of adolescence serves to form a
clear template to negotiate life in
the years to come. This subversion
is a very active and positive tool for
growth. As adults, however, we are
looking for the responsible teenager,
which is an oxymoron.”
Respect also greatly manifests in the
way we communicate. Dr Nagaswami
opines, “We need to learn to listen
to adolescents. Frequently, instead
of listening to them we presume
what they have to say and provide
solutions and advice. When we sense
a problem with our teenager, we say,
‘We need to talk’ - the four scariest
words in the English dictionary!”
“We need to remember that respect
is something that we feel and is
reflected in our behaviour in the
relationship. An approach that says,
‘I will tell you and you will have to
listen to me,’ is never effective. You
are going to have a resentful, angry
and disgruntled teenager on your
hands. We need to grant that by
being subversive they are not being
disrespectful. Genuine respect for our
children comes from understanding
knowing what is happening in their
heads. Parents feel inadequate and
alienated. If you want to know what
a teenager’s mind looks like, just
imagine the busiest signal in your
city at rush hour! It is definitely a
tough place to be. However, parents
Appa!
Appa!
Hmm...
Look, at meAppa! Look whatI can do!
Yes, yes,in
a minute.
Appa! I’m going
to go rappelling off
the balcony!
WHAT?
Illustrations:BhavanaBalakrishnan
Dad, did you know that
Abraham Lincoln was
President of the United States
by the time he was
your age.
You know, when Abraham Lincoln
was your age, he was studying under
candlelight.

3. 12 ParentCircle | November 2015
that they need to feel like individuals.
Try and be a responsible parent, a
mindful one, a respectful one and,
above all, a caring one,” he adds.
DISCIPLINE VS AUTONOMY
Respect and discipline should go
hand in hand. Uma Shanker feels
that the way children behave
depends largely on the examples
they see around them. It is only fair
that parents model the behaviour
they would like children to pick up.
Also, as a parent, you are responsible
for your child. Therefore, certain
ground rules need to be set
Dr Nagaswami says, “Parents of
teenagers need to create broad
perimeters keeping in mind the social
environment. I have seen parents who
say, ‘Your curfew is 7:00 p.m.‘ This
might seem unreasonable to a teen.
When you set impossible perimeters,
you lose the connect with your
teenager. When you are setting a rule
discuss it with your teen. Reason with
him and trust that he will prefer it to
a dictatorial approach.”
WHAT PARENTS SAY
“Respecting a child means believing
a child is a little person with thoughts
and feelings of his own. Children
need our guidance but they need to
be given the regard that we would
give any adult. Using our power as
adults to hit or punish children is
the worst form of disrespect which
we think of as normal parental
behaviour.” - Kesang Menezes,
Co-Founder of Parenting Matters
”To me, respecting my child is about
treating her as a separate sentient
being rather than an extension of me,
my dreams and ideals. This respect
extends to her thoughts, dreams,
aspirations, ideals, moralities, quirks,
flaws and shortcomings, even (or
especially) when I know they don't
align with mine.”- Kavitha Chandran,
homemaker.
Therefore, let us respectfully raise
our children.
THE FIVE Rs FOR
RESPECTING CHILDREN
Respect their feelings: They
might be little kids, but they
feel no less than any adult.
Understand and legitimise
their emotions.
Respect their opinion: You
might not agree with them,
but they are entitled to their
own opinion.
Respect their temperament:
Make allowances for their
own personalities. Help
them grow but never seek to
change who they are.
Respect their privacy and
space: Being individuals, they
have a right to privacy (within
reason).
Respect their needs:
Children today, have
challenges and requirements
that vastly differ from what
we had, growing up. A little
empathy can go a long way!
F
or me, my dad, bassist
Sujoy Roy, is my inspiration.
From him, I have learnt that
the greatest value is to not only
respect others, but also your own
self. I come from a very close-knit
family. While growing up, my
parents always encouraged open
communication. I was always treated
as a separate entity. I believe that
this trust is what turned me into
a strong-headed and self-reliant
individual. Today, at 18, I take care
of all my engagements, social and
business commitments, by myself.
This approach of theirs also helped
me and my sister respect and
acknowledge everyone else around
us. I think, this is what children,
most of all teens of our generation
need today. They need to find their
inspiration and individuality at
home. Because, if this happens, there
will be no scope of going astray.
Mohini Dey,
Bass Guitarist
Guest Editor's Take
viewpointparenting
For more on this log on towww.parentcircle.comand check out our ClipBook called 'TeachingYour Child Respect'