Tears, Tantrums and Enjoying Motherhood - Self Care Tips
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This presentation Tears, Tantrums and enjoying motherhood is for mums, dads, caregivers and any adult that plays a role in a child’s life. Today I’ll be sharing with you self care tips and strategies that I have found work to help me overcome my own tears and trantrums, and enjoy motherhood.
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Tears, Tantrums and Enjoying Motherhood - Self Care Tips
- 1. Tears, Tantrums and enjoying motherhood Self care tips for busy parents Kath Boyd - OMG Solutions
- 2. Tears and tantrums It’s okay Learning as we go Saying sorry Self care tips
- 3. The perfect parent Letting go of expectations Going for love not perfection Everything is perfect, the way it is… and the way it isn’t. Self care tips
- 4. Changing your mindset Love is a limitless resource. Energy is not Take a break… from the kids Me before others M O T H E R Self care tips
- 5. Self care Responsibility for your own needs Being too busy It is never going to be all done Self care tips
- 6. Ask for help Friends Family Community Church Plunket Parent Help http://www.parenthelp.org.nz Self care tips
- 7. Exercise Can’t because xx Self care tips
- 8. Get it out of your head The trusty to do list Eat that Frog Increased productivity Improved memory Get busy… doing nothing Self care tips
- 9. Fast forward Paint a picture of the future Create space Have something to look forward to Self care tips
- 10. Create an empathy team Being heard without judgment or advice Talking about how exhausting and frustrating parenting is doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids This too shall pass Self care tips
- 11. Stop comparing yourself Falling down a rabbit hole You are special “Don’t compare yourself to others. Compare yourself to the person you were yesterday.” Self care tips
- 12. Get dressed up Look a million dollars, even if you don’t feel it Self care tips
- 13. Laughter is the best Relaxes your body Adds joy to life Boosts the immune system Triggers release of endorphins Protects the heart Self care tips
- 14. Feed, clothe, trust and love No. 1 Job Love Trust Mindset Success Self care tips
Editor's Notes
- Hi there, to share with you some self care tips for busy parents. Because we are all busy right? We’ll talk abit more about that later. This presentation Tears, Tantrums and enjoying motherhood is for mums, dads, caregivers and any adult that plays a role in a child’s life. First of all a little background on me. My name’s Kathleen, I go by Kath, Kat or Leen depending who I’m talking with. I’m also known as mum, mother, muuuum, mum! And mum. I became a mum when I was 23 years old, and have two kids that are 9 and 12 – well nearly 13 in 3 weeks time as he keeps telling me. I started up my own business OMG Solutions 2.5 years ago, and also work part time three days a week in digital marketing. Today I’ll be sharing with you self care tips and strategies that I have found work to help me overcome my own tears and trantrums, and enjoy motherhood.
- If I was to add up the number of times my kids have had tantrums over the years, I would have to say I think that mine pretty nearly number theirs, if not beat the amount hands down! You know what, tears and tantrums are okay. Frustration is a part of life, and more often than not a tantrum comes from not being heard, being misunderstood, or not being able to express what you really want to say. Sometimes it even comes from that nagging that consistently goes on. Please pick up your clothes, I asked you to pick up your clothes, when are you going to pick up your clothes, you still haven’t picked up your clothes. You know where I’m going with this right… I don’t have a tantrum to upset my kids, likewise… for the most part kids don’t have tantrums to upset us. They are just kids being kids. I sometimes tell my kids that there is no instruction book, I am making it up as I go along, so can they please bear with me. What I have found helpful is that once I have calmed down to actually apologise for my tantrum, not just saying the compulsory sorry that we instill in our kids from a young age, but actually giving meaning to the apology. Acknowledging what has happened and letting them know I am going to keep doing the best I can. Getting frustrated when things don’t work out is part and parcel of life, the key to having tears and trantrums less often is to start caring for yourself, and to do this we need to change our mindset.
- Changing your mindset can start with letting go of our idea of being the perfect parent. Do you think your child needs the perfect parent? Think again. In fact, your quest to be perfect gets in the way of loving your child unconditionally, because it stops you from loving yourself unconditionally. We put all these expectations upon ourselves – depending what your thing is, it could be I must make their lunches every day, reading stories at nights, having a tidy house. It is different for everyone. We have high expectations of what a parent is / should be – if you made a list of what you think a perfect parent is, you would see that a lot of time can be spent trying to achieve just that and not doing other things. In preparing for today I asked my kids what they thought my job as a parent is, I got: Being there, sharing the mistakes you have made so I can learn about life. Making dinner and loving your child. Letting them know it is their life, and giving them a good education. Note, none of them said being perfect. So let's say no to perfection right now and let go of the expectations we have of ourselves and our kids. Aspiring to be perfect doesn't get you any closer to being perfect; it just makes you less loving. In fact, perfection is the lowest standard a parent can have. We aren't going for perfect. We're going for love! Remember: Everything is perfect just the way it is and just the way it isn’t.
- When I say How are you doing? I mean, really doing? Most times people will say they are doing ok. But you know the truth is I don’t know any moms who are “doing ok.” As mums, we are so much more and so much less than doing ok on most days. Motherhood is a tightrope of extremes. The highest highs and the lowest lows. Intense joy and insane frustration. Love that overwhelms you and exhaustion that overtakes you. Kids need parents that have both love and energy to give them. This means sometimes you may need to take a break, gulp from the kids. Yes that’s right. Sounds scary – the thoughts that went through my head when I had my first break were along the lines of “I can’t go, you need me, you can’t do without me, how will you cope?” I had my break and came back and you know what everyone was still alive! We need to first start with changing our mindset. This is really important. My sister gave me a great acronym as part of Mother. Me be for others. If you can’t be there for yourself, how can you give of yourself to others?
- When you start to change your mindset and work in to your day you time you are beginning to take responsibility for your own needs. Because when we sacrifice our own needs for our child it serves neither of us. We are all too busy it seems in this day and age. There is always something that we need to do, somewhere where we need to be something that needs to be done. Once we can accept that actually we are never going to get it done. It frees up some space in our mind. How difficult is it to say. I won’t get it done, and that is ok. Try it now. It is better for your kids if you have periods of unavailability that increase your presence later on, than for you to be partially available at all times. So how can you make time for yourself? Recently I signed up for a beginners Yoga course, on a Wednesday night. Now I knew that this would present its challenges with getting out of the house. But I did it. How? The first thing I did was ask for help.
- And you know, it actually wasn’t easy. I spend a lot of time being the I’ve got it all together mum. So actually asking my sister to have the kids the first night for Yoga class was quite difficult. And it didn’t go according to plan. I nearly didn’t go. Everything turned to custard, the kids were arguing at the dinner table, I was trying to get ready, and then the tantrum started (mine) and it was just easier to admit defeat, to not do that something for myself. But I rang my sister, in tears, and asked her to come earlier. Sometimes self-care means accepting help from someone you trust, but some mums and dads may not have family or people they trust around. Look around your community for groups that you can join to start building a network. On Googling Parent Help NZ I came across Parent Help a free national parenting helpline that is available from 9am to 11pm – seven days a week. The Parent Helpline has no time limit on calls – the greatest gift they give is to listen and listen well. They can help with parenting challenges from those everyday situations to the most serious issue of child abuse.
- So once you have asked for help and created some space why not try exercise. It's magic! It increases endorphins, which make us happy, and serotonin, which calms us. But maybe you are still stuck in I’m too busy and don’t have time? Or I can’t because I need to do this first. Or I’ll do it later. And later never comes, the day draws to an end, and we still haven’t left the house. Stop. Incorporate your kids if you can’t take the time out to exercise alone. Put on music and dance with your kids. Get them out of the house and run around with them at the park. Take your baby with you to a "Baby & Me" yoga class or swimming. Moving your body is the fastest way to shift your mood and enhance your sense of well-being. One of the most fun nights I had was doing Zumba with the kids. Theyd just been learning some new moves at school, so we popped YouTube on the tv and spent half an hour or so letting our hair down. The change in the household after was really obvious.
- We all have those days when there are a million things to do, and we don't know how we're going to get it all done. It's easy to become overwhelmed by the vast quantity of tasks that we must do from day to day. Sometimes we have so many balls in the air, that we may even lose track of some loose ends and forget to do important things. I’ve even gone to go to work in my slippers! When we get too busy, we end up feeling like we are barely able to keep our heads above water. You have already heard me say that everything is not going to get done. And you are ok with that. This is where the to do list comes in handy. No.1 because it gets everything out of your head. Often what we have buzzing around that looks insurmountable in our heads when actually on paper doesn’t look too bad. Or it may look really bad, but that is when we start numbering in order of priority. My advice is start with the thing you least want to do, and get that out of the way. Eat that Frog is a great motivational book that provides 21 tips on avoiding procrastination. I have yet to read it but have passed it on to a few friends. Now we joke about eating our frog first. The one task for the day we don’t want to do. And getting it done. Sometimes in a day that is filled with looking after young children, or being up all night with sick children, you may feel like you have not achieved much, but even if you have one thing on that list, you eat your frog for the day you can immediately feel like you have been productive. Cross items off your list during the day and when you can see what you have accomplished at the end of the day you will feel like you have achieved something. Your to do list will also help with memory. Every time you look at that list it will reinforce the info in your short term memory making it less likely you will forget an appointment or commitment. As long as you can remember to look at your to-do list. Finally, get busy doing nothing. Take this time out to think, to breathe, and to plan even.
- In those moments when you are busy doing nothing begin to create a picture of the future. It can be for a week, a month, six months or further down the track. Focusing on the future creates internal space when you really can’t get away. Consider: What will your life be like in six months? What changes will you embrace? What will you wish you focused more on when your kids were younger? What won’t matter? How do you see yourself? Plan a break, or a getaway without the kids, plan a trip to the park with the kids – the point is have something that you have got to look forward to in the future. That is one of the things that got me through the last 11 months, we planned a family holiday, starting from a visit to the travel agent to gather brochures, me and the kids cut out pictures, glued them to paper and put our poster on the wall. When things got tough I looked at the future and we talked about the fun things we were going to get up to. Immediately creating space from whatever was happening in that moment.
- If things are starting to get on top of you. You are at your wits end, and reached the end of your tether. Who are the people you can call to complain, who can hear how hard it is, without trying to fix it, deny it, or smooth it over? Do you have someone? If not I highly recommend creating an empathy team. An empathy team includes people you can call and blurt it all out to, to have your tears and your tantrums with, and then be okay enough to get back on with it. Because what was happening in that moment is still very real and as soon as you let it all out, without judgment, fixing or smoothing over, you have the ability to look at the situation more clearly. Parenting can be tough. It’s really important to have people you can turn to. I remember when Corban was only a baby being part of a parenting forum, the mantra was “This too shall pass” and looking back on the last 12 years all those moments that seemed insurmountable in the moment did pass. I moved on, ready to face the next challenge. And there will always be a challenge. Remember that talking about how exhausting and frustrating parenting can be doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids or life. You can also try the Parent Line that I mentioned earlier, or your local plunket if you have younger kids.
- Everyone is in the same boat, I haven’t met another mother that doesn’t have issues at some point! Comparing yourself to others’ is a losing battle. There is an endless supply of people to whom you could compare yourself and your accomplishments, but, inevitably, you’ll always end up on the losing side of the comparison And, it will only take you down a never-ending spiral. Once you start comparing yourself to others, where do you draw the line? Remember, you are special, and not an exact replica of anyone else. So why would accomplishments be the same time? They wouldn’t. Try to begin seeing everyone, even yourself, as unique individuals. Make a conscious effort to free yourself from comparisons. Practice celebrating your uniqueness and being proud of your accomplishments – no matter when in life they occur. And learn to celebrate the accomplishments of yourself and others. Instead of feeling inadequate, turn those feelings around and share in their excitement. And do this for yourself too. Even if it was getting through the day without crying, or going for that walk, or taking the kids to the park, or even making dinner, what ever is important to you and your wellbeing that you have achieved is worth celebrating. Don’t compare yourself to others, compare yourself to the person you were yesterday is a great wee quote I recently found.
- I live in my trackies and sweater, except when I am at work, and working from home means I only need to get changed if I am meeting a client. Heck before coming here I was in my trackies. But putting on some nice clothes and a little makeup does amazing things for the mindset. For me makeup is chuck on a little foundation, some brown eyeshadow and a bit of blusher, takes five minutes and I am done, but it immediately gives me a lift. You can Look a million dollars, even if you don’t feel it! Organise an adults night out and dress up, let your hair down, sing, dance, play games, and have some fun.
- Humor is infectious. The sound of roaring laughter is far more contagious than any cough, sniffle, or sneeze. When laughter is shared, it binds people together and increases happiness and intimacy. Laughter relaxes the whole body. A good, hearty laugh relieves physical tension and stress, leaving your muscles relaxed for up to 45 minutes after. Laughter boosts the immune system. Laughter decreases stress hormones and increases immune cells and infection-fighting antibodies, thus improving your resistance to disease. Laughter triggers the release of endorphins, the body’s natural feel-good chemicals. Endorphins promote an overall sense of well-being and can even temporarily relieve pain. Laughter protects the heart. Laughter improves the function of blood vessels and increases blood flow, which can help protect you against a heart attack and other cardiovascular problems. Best of all, this priceless medicine is fun, free, and easy to use. So grab your kids, have a tickle fight, throw some pillows, tell jokes and laugh.
- For me, I see my number one job as a mum as loving our children, feeding them, clothing them, trusting them and putting a roof over their heads. I know, some of you may probably feel like I used to, that it was my job to make sure my kids turn out as stellar adults. You can stress about picking the best school, having the right clothes, keeping up with the Jones’s but at the end of the day, the only thing that you can guarantee is your love for your children. They have their lives to lead and their choices to make too. Love comes in many ways and encompasses many things, from teaching your family values to supporting your children, to being there for them when they are unwell, and when they are fine. What I’m saying is, go easy on yourself. Let go of all the expectations you have, and the notion of a perfect parent. Live for this moment, and look after yourself. Trust in yourself that you have got this parenting thing, and your kids will see that too. There is no special equation that you pop in to your life to make it all work out ok, there is no instruction book. You will know when you have got it going on, and when you haven’t. Motherhood and parenting is about mindset. Start putting yourself before others and stop being busy. You know it is funny, I will ring my mum and say, I haven’t heard from you all week, and she will reply with, but you are busy I know 5 o’clock is getting ready for dinner time. And each time she says that I say, I’m never too busy for you mum. Busy is a state of mind that I choose not to have. Your success, and your failures are yours to choose. Take baby steps towards changing your mindset and looking after yourself. Have your tears and tantrums, grab an empathy team, get out in the fresh air, take a break from it all. We only have this moment, and I encourage you to embrace it and make the most of it, right now. Thank you for your time its been a pleasure.