A Learning Resource for students of Employee Relations and Negotiations

1. Win Win belief system
and conflict resolution
Jayadeva de Silva* M.Sc, MBIM FIPM, FITD
Director/Principal consultant- Humantalents Unlimited
Our Beliefs
I like to begin with an explanation of an extremely important concept
- "Beliefs." I define "beliefs" as the truth, as YOU understand the
truth to be, regarding the way life is. But what does that mean? Truth
is fact. It is neutral, without feeling. It may be good or may be bad,
depending upon the people and situations involved, but mainly, it
just is. For example, the truth is that gravity works. That's good when
keeping you from floating thousands of feet into the air against your
wishes. On the other hand, that's rather bad when falling out of a six-
story building. Fairly simple conclusions at which to arrive. Viewing
most interpersonal situations as good or bad, however, isn't all that
easy. What makes it even more difficult is that the honor of
1

2. determining the "goodness" or "badness" of any specific event or
situation falls to a very subjective part of ourselves known as our
"Belief System.” Our basic belief system is formed at a very young
age. (A good example of a "belief system" is, when I say, "A very
young age," what are you thinking - three, four, eleven,
fifteen?").Many psychiatrists state that age as four years!
How Beliefs are formed & Effects of Beliefs
Our belief system is first given to us by our family and then finely
chiseled by our environment. Once formed, our basic beliefs are
extremely difficult (though certainly not impossible) to change
because they are carried primarily on an unconscious level. Here’s a
very somber example: Someone grows up witnessing a very abusive
relationship between his or her parents. This abuse may have been
physical, verbal, emotional, or any combination of the above.
Needless to say, it was a "bad" situation to grow up in. I believe that
would be "bad." You believe that would be "bad." And, in all
likelihood, the person who grew up in that environment believes, on
a conscious level, that that situation was "bad." And yet, why does it
happen so often -certainly more often than not - that throughout
their life, that person will go from one "bad" relationship to another?
Because their Belief System says that is the "truth" regarding how
relationships are! Just as was mentioned earlier - a belief is the truth,
as YOU understand the truth to be - regarding the way life is. On an
unconscious level, that person will continually steer their way to the
(their) truth, according to their belief system. Though they won't
necessarily seek out a partner to fit that belief/truth, they will often
sabotage the "good" relationships they find themselves in until
finding the one that fits their belief system at this.
Here is an example as a mini case study
“Sunil was thinking about moving to a place close to Colombo and
asked if a particular home a friend told him about over the phone
was close to Colombo. . .His friend Nimal said, "No, it's pretty far
2

3. away." So Sunil told Nimal that he wasn't interested. When Sunil and
his wife arrived in Colombo from Hambantota they asked Nimal to
take them to that home just to see it. When they arrived, Sunil said, "I
thought you told me it wasn't near the City"Nimal: It is, too….far!
Sunil: No it isn't! Nimal: Yes, it is! Let's analyze this: The "truth" is
that home was ten miles from the City. Nimal living in Bambalapitiya,
feels that ten miles is far away. Sunil, being from remote
Hambantota, feels 10 miles from the City isn't too far away. I'd say
their miscommunication had "something" to do with their belief
systems.
Yes, they are still friends. Why did neither of them think to mention
the exact number of miles?” Now, let's relate this whole thing back to
the subject of our discussion. The typical belief system when dealing
with a person from whom you want something is "For me to win,
they need to lose." Or, "If I want a bigger piece of pie, I need to take
his or her slice."
The WIN WIN belief system says, "For me to win, I need to also
help that person win, or at least feel good about the situation." And,
"If I want a bigger slice of the cake, I'll get together with him or her
and bake a bigger cake" . In other words, "Both people win." So let's
look at an effective way to work with "Beliefs."
First, when in confrontation with a person you may be finding
difficult to get along with, ask yourself four questions:
#1 How is my personal belief system distorting the actual truth of
the situation?
#2 how is his or her personal belief system distorting the actual truth
of the situation?
#3 what questions can I ask this person that will clarify my
understanding of their version of the truth (their belief system)?
#4 what information can I give that will help them clarify their
understanding of my version of the truth (my belief system)?
3

4. As the saying goes, within conflict between two or more people,
there are generally three truths - your truth, their truth, and the real
truth. Through questions, as well as a caring exchange of
information, the real truth can usually be discovered, generating
understanding, peace, and respect.This leads to results in alignment
with the Win Win belief system in which "Both people win."
*( This is a learning resource of students of negotiation .A production of Humantalents
International)
Mr. Jayadeva de Silva obtained his Master’s degree in Science from Russian Friendship University, Moscow and Diploma in Personnel
management from National Institute of Business Management. A Fellow of both the Institute of Personnel Management and Institute of
Training & development, he is also professionally qualified in training systems & curriculum design with an ILO fellowship. A strong
advocate of Human Talents Development, Mr. Jayadeva de Silva is the Principal consultant of humantalents Unlimited, a professional
practice that provides holistic professional services in Training & Management Consultancy. Mr. de Silva who counts over 25 years of
experience has carried out several management consultancy projects and has conducted numerous Training Programs/workshops. He has
contributed articles (over 30) and authored the trend setting book ‘Human Talents Management’ which introduced a new leadership
theory. He founded “HRSriLanka: and “humantalents” International e Learning Groups. Mr. Jayadeva de Silva was previously the Group
Manager (Human Resources Development) for Hayleys Group of Companies, a multi-billion-rupee public listed company and later became
the Group Director–Human Resources of Brown & Co. also a large public listed company. He has lectured part-time in professional and
post graduate courses in HRM & HRD. He is currently serving as a consultant for Post graduate Institute of Agriculture, University of
Peradeniya.. Mr de Silva has conducted over 18 programmes for workplace cooperation project of SriLanka Telecom Limited
Mr. Jayadeva de Silva can be contacted at:
Tel: 94-1-2562449
or 077 7272295
E mail djayadeva@gmauil.com
4