What it takes to become a healthy, confident single person.

1. Single and Loving It!
A Different Perspective on Single Life
by Erin A. Alexander, LPC

2. What Does it Mean to be “Single”?
There can be a number of definitions:
● Unmarried
● Divorced
● Widowed
● Unattached
● Not in a committed relationship
● What other definitions have you heard of? What are your perceptions? Are
your perceptions negative or positive?

3. Many Perceptions of “Single” Tend to Lean
Towards Being Selfish

4. Let’s Explore the Definition of Selfish
● Disagreeable person
● Unpleasant person
● Dog in the manger
● Egocentric
● Self-centered
● Exploiter
● User
● Opportunist
● Monopolizer
● Inconsiderate
● Acting to achieve what is good for
you
● Actions directed to make you
happy
● Acting in your best interest
● Assertively asking for what you
want

5. In reality, a selfish person from a psychological
perspective has these qualities:
Generosity, Consideration for others, Benevolence, Open-mindedness,
Humanity, and Positive regard for others

6. So, think about all of the single people that
you know; do they fit in to the negatively
conceptualized definitions? Or are they
more accurately described by some of the
more positive characteristics?

7. How Does This Relate to the “Single Lifestyle”, Per Se?
I’ve decided that I do not want to figure out any of the nuances that are
involved in a relationship with anyone. I want to be emotionally, financially,
and socially independent. I want to be responsible for my own happiness, and I
don’t want to be responsible for anyone else’s. I want to be able to set
boundaries for myself; I want to be able to say ‘no’ without explanation. I want
to be able to make decisions on my own without having to consult with
someone else. I want to have the freedom to go where I want and do what I
want, whenever I want, without having to explain myself to a partner.
Sounds very selfish, doesn’t it?

8. Relationships are Work!
Take a look at the following list of things to consider when
considering a long-term relationship:
Do you share the same values (honesty, loyalty, trust, respect, etc)?
Do you have similar goals with regards to your future?
Do you both want children and are your parenting styles congruent?
Do you have the same socioeconomic background ?
Is your educational level relatively similar?

9. The List Continues….
Do you have the same political views?
Do you have the same religious views?
Do you agree on financial matters?
Are you outgoing or not very social? Which do you prefer in a partner?
Do you and your partner share the same health/fitness values?
Do both parties share the same values regarding the division of labor?
Do both parties agree on sexual matters?
What are the values related to extended family?
Are your personalities compatible?

10. What are the Societal Images of Couples and Relationships? Does This Align
With Your Perception and Values?

11. And Your Perception of “Single”?

12. Let’s Explore What it Means to Be Single From
a Healthy Perspective
A person who has chosen to live a healthy single lifestyle, is indeed doing things
to bring about his/her own happiness, and in turn, share that happiness with
others. These folks have learned how to establish healthy boundaries. They
have learned to think for themselves, they have learned to make decisions, and
to solve problems. They do not have the expectation that someone else will fill
any voids in their lives. Healthy single people are confident and they take
responsibility in all areas of their lives. They know how to consciously date and
they have chosen not to settle. Healthy single people understand that happiness
is an on-going life journey that takes effort.

13. Healthy Singles Cont.
They strive for self-actualization (on Maslowe’s hierarchy of
needs).

14. They are in a constant state of self-growth to be
a whole, healthy person:
Physical body (physical container for our organs, health, chemical reactions)
Mental (the brain, our thoughts, memory, desire, consciousness, intent,
intuition)
Emotional (feelings, how we deal with them)
Social (relationships, support systems, setting boundaries,
Spiritual (truth, dignity, faith, hope, love, power greater than human power)
Intellectual (learning, creativity, skill development, hobbies)
Occupational (career options, sense of meaning and purpose)

15. Let’s further explore the seven dimensions.
Social wellness is the ability to relate to and connect with
other people in our world. It is the ability to establish and
maintain positive relationships with family, friends, and co-
workers.

16. Emotional wellness
is the ability to understand ourselves and
cope with life’s challenges. It is the ability to
acknowledge and share various feelings.

17. Spiritual wellness
is the ability to establish peace and harmony in our lives. It
is the ability to develop congruence between actions and
values. We are able to see a common purpose that binds
creation together.

18. Occupational wellness
is the ability to obtain personal fulfillment from our job or
career, while maintaining balance in the rest of our lives. It
is the desire for our careers to have a positive impact on
society as a whole.

19. Intellectual wellness
is the ability to open your mind to new experiences and new
ideas that will help you make decisions. This is a desire to
learn new concepts and seek challenges in the pursuit of
lifelong learning.

20. Physical Wellness
is the ability to maintain a healthy lifestyle that allows us to get through
activities of daily living without much fatigue or stress. It is the ability to
recognize that our behaviors have an impact on our overall wellness. It is the
knowledge that adopting healthful habits, while avoiding destructive habits,
will contribute to feeling good physically.

21. Mental Wellness
is more about how we think (the processes and the
content). It is having the ability to solve-problems, to think
independently, and to be creative. This is where intuition,
good insight, and good judgment come into play.

22. So now that there is a more holistic explanation of
"wellness", it makes more sense for a person to want to
strive to become a better person, rather than carrying
unhealthy baggage from relationship to relationship. It
seems more logical why being single is not selfish (from a
negative perspective). It’s about being happy and healthy

23. New View of Single

25. Final Thoughts….
According to the 2006 census data, up to 47.3% of the 114
million US households are single people. The statistics for
2005 showed 50.3%. That is about 97 million people age 18
and over! It is looking like people are embracing the single
lifestyle more than ever. The stigma attached to being
single is not as prominent as it once was. People are
realizing that they do not have to be in a relationship with
someone to be happy.

26. One of the best quotes that I read from an article entitled
Free as a Bird and Loving It, was by Leslie Talbot, who
wrote the book It’s Better to be Alone Than Wish You Were!
"There is nothing lonelier than being with somebody you
don’t want to be with."