1. NOI S EY BL OG
THE SIX MOST RIDICULOUS THINGS YOU
CAN BUY IN THE NAME OF FANDOM
OBJECTIVELY CORRECT LISTS
By Ellen Norvang
1 point on reddit
10
Bands and artists have been aware that times are tough for quite some time. People
download their music without paying or rely on streaming options and there is no way
this situation is going to change anytime soon. No one is ever going to pay the same
amount for their favorite singer’s latest release as it costs to get a decent meal at a
restaurant anymore. What is left nowadays for artists to earn a bit of income is the
merchandise, but beyond buying a t-shirt to prove to your high school mates how fucking
punk your adolescent self is, what merchandise do you really need (or want)? According
to bands like Rammstein and Sex Pistols the answer lies in crème brûlée accesories and
orange-based fragrances.
The bottom line is this: musicians need to get creative if they want to pocket some of
your hard earned cash. Lucikly, creative is like their middle names or something.
Keeping that in mind, we compiled a neat little list of some of the most ridiculous
attempts at making "rad" merchandise out there. Have a look, but please don't buy any
of this stuff. It'll only encourage them further.

2. Screenshot from metallica.com
SLAY THE SLOPES WITH METALLICA SKIS
Summer is just around the corner which means it’s about time to prepare for next winter
already. Recently, heavy metal mastodons Metallica launched a set of skis for next
winter season making it possible for you to engage in some slope shredding (see what
we did there?), while proudly showing that you are way too cool for the after-ski
group chanting along to DJ Ötzi. These babies don’t come cheap and to make sure that
Ulrich and co´s retirement doesn’t turn into a financial mess, you have to be dead
serious about buying them, paying a fee before and after the skis are made. Actually,
Metallica isn't even the first band to launch this nothing-to-do-with-music-whatsoever-
item. Rolling Stones kickstarted the mania already back in 2012.

3. Image of the Kiss Premium Casket, via Brandmemorial's Facebook page.
WOULD YOU DIE FOR ONE LAST KISS?
The glam rockers, Kiss, have always taken merchandise to a whole other level - but
what really takes the prize is when they launched a series of coffins. It's the piece of
merch you will never get to enjoy! The coffins, which are no longer available (and you
should probably question if someone puts one on ebay), came in different variations;
one particular beauty having the words “Kiss forever” written on it. However, not
everyone likes the idea of their final ceremony to be in a casket. Therefore Kiss has
another suggestion so that more people can spend their money: Yes, there is a Kiss urn
as well. Before you start with all that "who would buy such a dreadful item?", we'd have
you know, that Pantera´s long lost guitar-shredding icon, Dimebag Darrel, is buried in
one of these caskets.

4. Image via.
RAMMESTEIN DILDOS AND KITCHEN TOOLS FOR THE
SEX CRAZED CHEF
German industrial shockers, Rammstein, released their album Liebe is Fur Alle Da in
2009 and soon after a very special edition box set followed. Six dildos (unlikely, but
apparently shaped after each band member's private parts), lubricant and handcuffs
were included in this treasure chest of pure joy. While this might seem the pinnacle of
useless merchandise garbage, the Germaniacs actually released something even
weirder during the launch of their single “Mein Teil” from the album Reise Reise released
in 2004: a flambé burner. Yes, the item you have always needed – showing off your
crème brêlèe skills while showcasing your love for industrial metal. While the dildo box
set is sold out and surely a rare collector’s item by now, the burner is still available on
the band´s webshop.
GWAR-B-Q SAUCE FOR YOUR BABY COOKING NEEDS

5. The monster band Gwar, who inspired some Finns to go and win the Eurovision once,
holds an annual BBQ. Though, if you can’t make it to the feast or if you simply want to
re-live the joyous experience, you can purchase a concoction called Gwar-b-q sauce. If
not for the taste, at least buy it for the name. What makes this piece of merch stand out
from the rest is that it actually comes with a low budget Home Shopping Network-esque
commercial that will have you grinding your teeth in embarrassment. As the ad suggests;
Put it on a steak, on some chicken or put it on a baby (but don’t eat the baby). It’s so
dumb it almost works.
Screenshot fragrantica.com
SMELLS LIKE COMMERCIAL PUNK ROCK
As you probably know, launching a fragrance is standard practice for every single pop
star more so than for the average punk fella. Still, the anarchy fashionistas that are Sex
Pistols launched a perfume in 2010. Surely it’s never too late to re-enter the
merchandise market - as Johnny Rotten already gave in to capitalism two years earlier
by starring in a TV ad for butter. You may not recall the smell of perfume when you were
marching the streets demonstrating against hierarchy in your young punk days, but this
fragrance is, according to the press release, a whiff of anarchy and chaos.

6. Press photo via.
NACHO LIFE
As if imposing the song “Barbie Girl” on the world wasn’t enough, Rene Dif formerly of
Aqua, has decided that he won’t stop until both his songs and his snacks grace every
90s themed party from now until the end of time. That’s right, inspired by Paul Newman’s
famous pasta sauces and salad dressings, Rene has decided to create a line of tortilla
chips and dip because his passion for food and cooking burned so deep. In true Paul
Newman fashion, Rene needed a drawing of himself to put on every product, which he
taste tested all by himself and then outsourced to a Mexican company. So naturally
when he heard that one of the Pussy Cat Doll’s moms drew caricatures - he couldn’t
pass up the chance. Not to forget his musical background, there is also a chip theme
song which can be found by scanning the QR code on the product.