2. Who is Right?
Problem: We think it’s them, they think it’s us
Arguing blocks exploration
Both stories are right
Different Information
Different Interpretations
Our conclusions reflect self-interest
3. Curiosity
Shift from Certainty to Curiosity
“Certainty locks us out of their story, curiosity lets us in”
Curiosity is key - gives us more information
4. Intention V.S Impact
Generally false assumptions of anothers actions and intentions
Underutalizing empathy factor
Assumptions leads to mispreceptions
Required understanding is eliminated
Defensiveness ensues
Self-awarness is key to sucessful conversations
5. Identify Vulnerabilities
Many times we look at things in an All-or-Nothing way.
Either we are competent or not.
We tend to deny data that’s inconsistent to our self image.
We tend to exagerate feedback. looking at the negative
rather than a positive outlook.
6. The Feeling Conversation
Unexpressed feelings lead to
● disengagement from the conversation.
● Block our ability to listen
Have Your Feelings
● Negotiate with your feelings
● Share your actual feelings, not judgement about the other person
7. Contribution Not Blame
Blame: judging, looking backward
Contribution: Understanding, looking forward
-Self-awareness
-Express your feelings
-How have we contributed to the situation?
-What can we change?
-What can we do to move forward?
8. The Story so far
In a class at the University of Utah, you have been assigned a group for a class project. Upon the initial
meeting Jared, the self described leader, has come up with what he thinks is the best idea. Tim thinks
the group should take a different approach, but with his avoidance conflict style doesn’t voice his
opinion. The other group members side with Tim, but with Jared’s highly assertive demeanor they
accommodate with his instructions and do what they’re told. Jared has assigned each member a
portion of the group project to work on, but Tim hasn’t been pulling his weight. With two days left before
the project is due, Jared and the other group members are getting anxious because Tim has agreed to
do the PowerPoint but isn’t responding to any communication efforts from the group. Most of the
communication has been condescending towards Tim, asking him why isn’t the PowerPoint done and
why he’s ignoring them. They threaten to give him a bad grade in the group evaluation and even kick
him out of the group. The day before their presentation, without a PowerPoint, Jared bumps into Tim in
the halls and decides to confront him.
9. Tensions Rise
Jared: “Why haven’t you done your part?”
Tim: “Jared, not now. I don’t have time for this.”
Jared: “We don’t have time, our whole presentation is screwed!”
Tim: “I am on my way to do it right now!”
Jared: “You were never planning on doing it anyways.”
Tim: “Maybe if you weren’t on my back the entire time I could actually get some work
done.”
Jared: “You have had an entire week to work on this. If you weren’t so selfish we wouldn’t
have to be scrambling to get this done.”
Tim: “Have you even asked about my schedule, you have no idea!”
Jared: “I don’t care, just get it done!”
Tim: (Tim storms off)
10. Questions to Consider
What changes can they make to improve the situation?
Do you think that expressing feelings in the conversation is helpful? Why or why
not?
How could Jared and Tim convey empathy to eliminate false
assumptions/intentions?
Is there any information that the other person has that could change the
situation?
What are their contributions to the situation?
