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8 Things That Maketh Not The Lady
1. Tattoos.
Tattoos used to be the colouring of soldiers, sailors, mafiosi and punk rockers. About ten
years ago, they became fashionable. The lower-middle classes started taking them up.
Unfortunately, unlike last years' shoes, tattoos can't be taken to the thrift shop and disposed
of.
To a certain class of person, tattoos are 'cool'. To another, they are a graffito on the temple of
the soul. They mark a woman definitively as lower class, alienated, depressed, and a bit daft.
They're also a handy way to identify one absolutely to the authorities. Which shows how
stupid some crooks are.
The same goes for piercings. My family are farmers. I associate nose rings with bulls, and
piercings with cattle tags. They are a haven of dirt, infection, and their openings look
unsightly.
With tattoos and piercings, before you've opened your mouth, you've already typed yourself
to people you meet.
2. Highlights and streaks.
Are you blonde, or brunette? Make up your mind! These might have been novel ten years
ago. Now they just look common. Not all gentlemen prefer blondes. A healthy head of
untinted brunette or raven dark hair is a pleasant novelty these days.
It is true that blondes have more fun. I used to be one! Most people on the planet are dark. A
non-blonde with blonde hair looks 'interesting'.
Now this fashion is done to death, however. If they're doing it in Romford, it's buried!
3. Big hoop earrings.
Unmistakably part of the wardrobe of the gypsy. Which is fine if you are one. Strangely
popular. Perhaps they're to make the wearer's head look smaller. Add them to the features
above, and an unattractive type emerges.
4. Binge drinking.
Binge drinking, squawking and falling over in the street is hilarious if you are the one doing it.
If you are the spectator, it's less so.
5. Visible G-string.
This is erotic, no doubt about it. Unless you haven't the figure to pull it off. Likely to provoke a
reaction of 'Mother of G*d!' when adorning the pasty, blemished buttocks of the 'full-figured'
young lady. Bad diet, no exercise, five-pints-a-night, then 'peek-a-boo!'. Agggh!
I used to wonder why so many saucily-dressed young ladies walked the streets hatchet-
faced. Now I now. Half are trying to ward off unwanted advances, the other half are annoyed
they're not getting any!
There's nothing sexy about contrived, blatant eroticism. What's erotic is what seems to be an
accident. 'A glimpse of stocking is something quite shocking' etc.
Likely to irritate female co-workers also. Assuming your company allows such clothing. It
doesn't? I wonder why?

2. 6. Swearing.
Your gentleman friends might find this amusing, to your face. What they think in private is
another matter. Habitual swearing is another sign of a depressed, angry person. It's
unattractive. The more you do it, the more it corrodes your subconscious.
7. Breast Augmentation.
Also known as a 'boob job'. These look fine, from a distance. Compared to a natural pair,
they look odd. They are to real breasts what a transvestite is to a 'red hot mama'; no
competition. Up close, they're just not as good as the real thing. A perfectly functional piece
of equipment has been turned into a cartoon joke, with possible long-term medical
consequences.
Some men like small breasts. Beauty is a matter of proportion. Some women are neurotic
about their appearance; nothing will please them.
A good example is ...
8. Disappearing Eyebrows.
They get plucked away to nothingness, then get drawn or tattooed back in. And this is better?
One can end up looking freakish, even clown-like. Loss of hair suggests illness. Plucking out
one's hair is often a sign of mental illness. Girls, desist! Don't try to gild the lily!
IMPORTANT NOTE: There are people who'll encourage you in the above. They'll say you
look lovely. Misery loves company, and some people delight in the fall of others.
Be your own woman. Stand back from yourself, your life and your surroundings, and decide
your own destiny.
T. O' Donnell ( http://www.tigertom.com ) is an ecommerce consultant and curmudgeon living
in London, UK. His latest project is an ebook on conservatories, available at
http://www.ttconservatories.co.uk T. O' Donnell freeware may be downloaded at
http://www.ttfreeware.co.uk