It's Not How Bad You Are, It's How Bad You're Born To Be
'It's not how bad..' is a slimline pamphlet of slop psychology perfect for those with neither the time nor patience to acquire an informed opinion. Specifically designed for the cash rich/time poor, if your head has already been softened by the radiation of the pseudoscientific traveliterature section, rejoice - you can inhale this book in one trip to the WC. After a decade of mediocrity in the world's least demanding industry, Ed Buller pollutes the waters of edutainment with his latest clutchbag of quotable dross. If you're an introvert, an executive, a smartarse or a loser, this book is an invaluable contribution to your successful vaccination against other books that tout themselves as potentially invaluable contributions to your success. Bathe in the irony! Scaffold your self-satisfaction today!
WHITE CAPITAL LETTERS ON A BLACK BACKGROUND REMIND PEOPLE OF DEATH For all the Pauls in this world. You're an inspiration.
BAD IS GOOD WHO wants to be good? Good is for the Good Book. Good is for Goody-Two-Shoes. Good is for people who can't be great. Bad is better. Bad is for the brave. Bad is for breaking the rules. To be bad is good... to be good is... simply boring. -Malcolm McLaren's grandmother Why be Good Donkey... when you can be Bad Ass?
HOW BAD WERE YOU BORN TO BE? Pretty Bad Bad Super Bad Really Really Bad Legendarily Bad
BREVITY IS THE SELL OF WRIT THERE ARE a lot of books out there. Most of them are best sellers. If you're going to buy a book, how big should that book be? Less words is better. More pictures is best. Victoria Beckham says she has never read a book in her life and she's as famous as Persil. Your time is your money. If you can't read a book in the time between TV ad breaks, it's not worth investing your hard-earned cash.
GET OUTSIDE THE BOX SCHOOL is for squares. Education is for pencil pushers. Not award winners. Why be a librarian, when you could be an infamous DJ-Gangster-Rockstar instead? Or badder... Managing Demagogue of an Evangelical Cult? OR badder than bad... ECD of a Global Advertising Empire?? Most people are too sissy for the school of hard knocks. They hide behind bigger and bigger books until they're kicked into the workplace when their mummy sublets their room. The sooner you leave school the sooner you get grifting the sooner your wallet will require heavy lifting.
SMART THINKING HOW HARD is it to become a genius? It's just a word people use to describe someone else. If you want to become one – just help yourself. For example, not all rich and powerful self help book authors are notably talented, modest, musically gifted or hard working. They bootstrap their reputations with their own hype. In other words, they pretend to be geniuses. Get your friends to refer to you as "My Friend the Genius". You'll be amazed at how many people will believe them. They become rich and powerful by surfing the waves of book jacket fashion and intellectual complacency.
GREED It's 100% of the pies. If you haven't got it mungbeans are nice.
BE RELENTLESS THE MAJORITY of rational human beings will eventually cave in to the spitefully wilful. Just ask any 2yr old child. History is made by the self-chosen few with an unassailable belief in their own dominant destiny. They didn't call him 'Alexander the good ', did they? Your ambition is your most powerful asset. Don't worry about upsetting other people-they'll thank you for your inspiration later... when they're calling you 'boss'!! As Whitney Houston sings, "The greatest love of all.. is for yourself" She's the only person in history to have achieved 7 consecutive number 1 singles. Now that's relentless.
GOAL GAOL Everyone always says in order to succeed, you have to have a.. which is almost exactly the same as... Be spontaneous. Don't plan ahead. Live free.
IT'S NOT WHAT YOU KNOW, IT'S HOW LOUD YOU SAY IT YOU CAN pretend to be anything you want to be, when you trust in your self-delusion. Ridicule is nothing to be scared of. What starts off as a punchline eventually becomes a truism. Just keep trumping your own wind. Forget qualifications- all you need is quantifications!
The Law of Averages Punch above your weight for long enough and the bar will lower itself to accommodate you.
DYING CAN BE A KILLER CAREER MOVE YOU MAY think of death as an end, but for the smart people, it's just the beginning. Vincent Van Gogh didn't sell a single painting whilst alive. Now he's pushing up the daisies, his 'Sunflowers' is worth over 75 million. Michael Jackson pretended to be a corpse for years, in preparation for his posthumous sellout tour. Corporality just gets in the way of brand equity-with no singular substance, you're in a perfect position to franchise! … becomes a positive. A negative…
The martyr in front is a toy promoter Mel Gibson's slasher flick 'The Passion of the Christ', where The Big J bites it bigstyle, spawned millions off merchandise alone: cruci-fiction nail pendants at £12.99 a pop! Some punkrock musicians’ agents now write a 29 year assassination order into their client's contract. Tupac Shakur, AKA 2Pac , Pac & Makaveli has sold over 75 million albums worldwide, 8 of which he recorded after his death. He only managed 6 while he was still alive.
Can you fault the logic? SLEIGHT OF EYE Liam’s hat John’s hat Liam’s Band John’s Band > > therefore
That's gotta smart! Not so smart,eh Harold? AD BLINDNESS IF someone fires an arrow at you, it's the shiny metal head you can't help but notice first. That's the part that grabs your attention. The point is…appearance is…everything. What's behind the glossy exterior is beside the point. King Harold, looking up, got an arrow in his eye. He lost his eye and his life and the throne of England. He should have invested in better advertising.
CLIENT CREATIVITY CLIENTS have a lot of passion. They may not know about art, but they know what they like. Every middle manager is a Michelangelo in waiting. So don't be a skills miser - sketch out their ideas for them. All of their ideas. Preferably in charcoal. Put an insomniac junior Art Director with no experience but lots of flair on it. Clients also have no imagination. They can only regurgitate a crappy derivation of something lame they've seen a zillion times before. They pay you to be the expert. Therefore under no circumstances allow them to influence the actual creative process. Once you've palmed them off on smockboy, finish the job off entirely, behind their backs. Then offer it as a fait accompli when you hit them with a fat invoice. Even if the final work is shoddy, derivative tripe, your feint will have deflected away all responsibility.
WORK WITH THE PSYCHOTICALLY PASSIONATE GENUINELY new ideas only come from the bleeding edge of culture..from the iconoclasts with a less than tenuous grip on reality. They can be difficult to deal with (and the neuroleptics can be expensive), but the results are usually unusual. As Friedrich Nietzsche said, "Fanatics are picturesque. Mankind would rather see gestures than listen to reason." Ed Wood - cinematic genius. Vilified by many; vindicated by Johnny Depp.
PLAYING TAG A CATCHY phrase With musical timing, a lot of alliteration, and preferably rhyming will ring true to the ears, no matter the contents, because people always confuse sensual pleasure for sense. Small brains build big brands. I'd rather have a free bottle in front of me, than a prefrontal lobotomy. -Tom Waits
TELLING STORIES All propaganda has to be popular and accommodate itself to the comprehension of the least intelligent of those whom it seeks to reach. -Adolf Hitler
So I was running backwards away from this dingo when I went arseabout-tit over a boab branch...and that's how I invented the "fosbury flop"! ANECDOTE IS EVIDENCE JESUS knew the power of a well-turned parable to sway the hearts of the credulous. And nothing beats a nugget of personal experience - it's a golden guarantor. So don't bother with the facts, seduce people with stories. Due to its absolute subjectivity, autobiography is the only incontrovertible truth.
WHAT COULD HAVE BEEN MY FINEST 3 MINUTES MANY years ago, studying sculpture, I was living in Pimlico, an expensive, exclusive part of London. One day, I was stopped on the street by an old man looking for the bus stop. He said to me, “I recognise you, young man...are you an actor? You look like that Daniel Day Lewis.” Interesting, I thought.... Daniel is extremely handsome and talented...I've got better vision than this man and he's much older than me.
Just then, an incredibly attractive young woman passed by and stared excitedly at me. “ I'm not Daniel Day Lewis” I said, “ The bus stop is just down the road.” The young woman moved on, disappointed. I went on my way thinking- Damn, I should have played along... she was so short sighted I probably could have gotten her into bed! Makes you think, doesn't it? I'll bet I regret my decision to be truthful more than I would have felt guilty, if I'd capitalised on my opportunity. Walk on the backs of the sheep and you'll be the first to milk the maid.
SHE WHO DARES WINS SEIZE the day. Procrastination is the thief of time. "Opportunism" used to be a dirty word. Now it's just business as usual. Shoplifting, adulterous, perjurer Jeffy 'Tuppence' Archer has minted millions off his infamy; fabricating his way from politics to bestselling fiction. He even had the audacity to turn his conviction trial into a westend show. So what's stopping you? God helps those who help themselves.
SECRETS & LINES How clever is that? Spin people's heads and they won't notice your hand in their wallet. The next sentence is true. That last sentence was false.
ANTIS IN YOUR PANTIES ORDINARY people think being 'creative' involves all sorts of complicated talents, divine inspiration, and blackmagic polonecks. On the contrary, people who are paid big money to be 'creative' know there's only ever been one trick...EVER. But like magicians are loathe to bare their backstages, they want to keep their cashcow secret. And the secret is simple.... WHATEVER YOU THINK, THINK THE ARSEABOUT
Jackson Pollock revolutionised painting... by refusing to learn how to paint. The Sex Pistols revolutionised hairstyles in the music industry.... by refusing to learn how to comb. Kurt Gödel's incompleteness theorem states that.... For any self-consistent recursive axiomatic* system powerful enough to describe natural number arithmetic, there are true propositions about the naturals that cannot be proved by the axioms. ...and he was Einstein's best friend. The only authentic means of innovation is blind rebellion, whatever the status quo. *like automatic, but with 10 gears ironic, isn't it? Man Ray's 'Cadeau'. 1929.
THE FINE ART OF ADVERTISING PEOPLE USE the phrase 'Artist' when they refer to someone with exceptional talent. But if an Artist is good, a Fine Artist must be even better. But who, then, is the Best ? Did you know that Andy Warhol was a successful advertising illustrator before he sold out to start a PopArt factory? Did you know that Leonardo DaVinci used to carry around the Mona Lisa like a brochure to illustrate his technical skills, touting for portrait work?
Everyone knows Picasso only became really famous when he stopped painting weird-faced women and started autographing cars. Successful contemporary fine artists don't waste their time actually making anything; They're celebrities who front global superbrands and have graduate minimum wage slaves to manufacture product. They spend their time maximising their 'Superbad' brand value with tabloid fodder debauchery, while kitting out bank foyers. Like cathedral frescoes on the highest of ceilings, shifting product is the highest of callings. SELLING OUT TORTURED conceptualist Tracey Emin hocks doggy prints at the Royal Academy Summer Show. Small dot = 1 sale, Big dot = 10 What's the profit at £175 each? ( Answer: roughly £40,000! )
THE UNIVERSE AS A CAKE THE MOST popular conception of reality is that it's something really real that we all see and share and agree on. Nonsense. Our perception of reality is constructed of myriad interlocking layers stretching from the empirically objective to the highly subjective. Use this cake to work your way up the foodchain, increasing your ego and paypacket as you go.
YOU CAN QUOTE ME ON THAT WHY BOTHER thinking of original things to say when it takes a lifetime of hard work to become an authentic inspiration? Shortcut all that brainache with a few expedient paraphrases instead. Then you won't even need to look up the original source. Stuff your language with other people's wisdom and you'll sound wise by proxy. Arthur Miller said... The apple cannot be stuck back on the Tree of Knowledge; once we begin, we are doomed to see more, not less. Marilyn Monroe said... The body is meant to be seen, not all covered up.
Iconoclasmic, Zeitgeistaltal, Audelicious...Ed Buller is a gem of a genuine genius who jetskis a paradigm blasting wave of gasp inspiring greativity. Mere mortals beware! -Rex Fawner Agent, Manager,Publisher, and Ed Buller's bestest friend When I'm at a party, I always introduce Ed Buller as 'My Friend the Genius'! -Gwyneth Paltrow Look into my eyes....this book is fazzing dekejuice!! -Paul McKenna LET IT BEGIN!!! DON'T DELAY! Spread the Bad News today! This book is your salvation! Quick - spam 75 of your most influential friends with this book RIGHT NOW and they will think you are a genius!! Mass order it for your gallery shop and push it like crack on babies!!!! Get your hits here RIGHT NOW: www.bullered.blogspot.com