1. 68 69Illustrations of live Music & Wedding rings by wesley merritt.
The art of bulls**t
A catalogue and field guide for navigating what is obviously,
100 percent, totally, and literally an Age of Bulls**t.
serious bulls** t... Live Music
I recently found myself at a Guns N’ Roses concert with a stranger holding his phone directly above my head.
His arm kept tiring, then dipping, then tapping my hair. Sometimes it didn’t just tap. It lingered. I looked back.
He put his arm down. I turned. He put it directly to the right of my face. Trapped, I looked back again; after, the
phone returned to its perch not quite above my head. My glare and his arm positioning tangoed like this for the
duration of Axl crooning alongside his feathered-hair skeletons. The tickets were free. They were not worth it.
I think about that man often, like I do the one I saw Snapchat a Louis CK show. Why did he go?
And why did all these people go to this rock show if they were just going to be still instead of jump? And to
this soul show if they were just going to be still instead of dance?
And really, why do I keep going, just to be somehow jostled by these unmoving people or entrapped in a
seat? And lied to about the start time? And tricked into believing they would play something beyond a cover-
band-quality rendition of their own album (since we all paid them nothing for the album but about RM200 for
this)? And to have this frustration calcify in my shoulders? And to be left feeling like the only way to enjoy this
is to pretend it is the transcendent experience I came for? And to act out that lie by doing what only someone
actually finding transcendence would do in order to remember it forever: lift up my phone and take a photo?
Oh, look, a text!—Nate Hopper
Ways to counter it
1. Hold your breath. The reduced amount of
carbon dioxide helps lower stress levels. Take
a normal breath in, then exhale three-quarters
of it, before holding the remainder for about 60
seconds. This relaxes your relieving stick so you
can expel your bladder juice freely.
2. Yoga. A big part of bashful bladder syndrome
stems from anxiety and stress. Practising yoga
can help to address these issues, thus alleviate
your restroom problem as well. Just don’t do
a downward dog in front of the urinal.
3. Gradual Exposure Therapy. Try using
different toilets under different circumstances
in different degrees of difficulty. Studies by the
International Paruresis Association show that
more than 80 percent of sufferers succeed in
overcoming their shy bladder problem with
this method.
Did you know?
• A person spends an average of three months
of their lifetime sitting on a toilet.
• In Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania, it was reported
last year that a woman murdered her husband
after finding out that he had forgotten to put
the toilet seat back down. When asked, she
claimed that she felt no remorse as she had
already warned him several times that if he
didn’t do as he was told, she would stab him in
his “balls, ass and face”. He was knifed 47 times.
• Almost a billion people around the world
defecate in the open due to the lack of proper
toilets.
• Your mobile phone has 20 times more bacteria
than your toilet seat.
• Ancient Romans had a toilet god called
Crepitus.
Bashful bladder syndrome
Also known as Paruresis, this is a phobia where you are unable to urinate in the real
or imaginary presence of others, such as in a public restroom. Nearly 220 million
people suffer from this condition worldwide and usually struggle with social anxiety
disorder as well.
But Is it bulls** t?
words by sim wie boon. illustration by LIPWEI.
Source: International Paruresis Association, paruresis.org, shybladdersyndrome.org,
webmd.com, empirenews.net, betterhealth.vic.gov.au, who.it and scotsman.com
Manual Manual
Could the information be easily
falsified?
Is it a view widely adopted within
the last few years by people who
aren’t all that analytic?
Is it opaque, vague, unquantified?
Does it employ a word or phrase
that has recently entered the
lexicon?
Is Thomas Friedman quoting his
cabdriver again?
Does the word handcrafted appear
anywhere on its label?
Have you been staring at it for
the last few minutes, squinting,
furrowing your brow?
Is it being spoken by an authority—
self-proclaimed or actual?
A magazine, for instance?
serious bulls** t... Wedding Rings
See this ring on my finger? Means I’m married. Now: watch as I take off the ring—you watching?—
and place it gently on the table in front of me. Here’s the crazy part: I’m still married. I still love
my wife. I’m still fully committed to and cognisant of our kids and our mortgage and the whole
grown-up nightmare we call our life. I’m still not interested in having sex with anyone else, and even
if I were, the fact that I could simply remove the ring (as demonstrated) and pretend to be single
(or filthy rich or an astronaut) makes the whole sordid topic of stepping out a little beside the point
here. So if a wedding ring doesn’t really mean anything (beyond symbolising that I’m married,
which I hope is the least interesting thing about me), and it doesn’t really do anything (other than
threaten to catch on the corner of a countertop and tear off a finger, à la Jimmy Fallon), what the
hell is it good for? Beats me. But I’d better put mine back on. The wife’ll be home any minute, and I
don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.—Richard Dorment
THE s** t menagerie
(in descending order of odiousness).
Draining the main drain
In some parts, it is called a restroom, others a toilet and, in the Philippines, a comfort
room; but however it’s named, this often-forgotten facility is a cornerstone of the fabric
of our society. A tourist begins to judge a country that he or she is visiting by its loo.
Toilets trace their roots to the third millennium BC, which was known as the Age of
Cleanliness, when sewers were invented in several parts of the world.
1. Flush. There really is no reason
why you shouldn’t do this. Ever.
2. Be a ninja. Get in, do your
business, get out. Why would you
hang out in a toilet?
3. If you must acknowledge
another male occupant, a gentle,
almost inperceptable nod, is the
only thing that’s allowed.
4. Clearing of nose, throat and
flatulence are the only noises
permitted within the confines of
an (empty) restroom. Growling,
howling and purring are not.
5. Wash your hands. Your mum
was right.
6. Aim. Unless you’re a five-year-
old, these last decades should
have taught you how to point your
dingle dangle in the right direction.
If you’re too inebriated to aim and
pee, perhaps you’ve had a little too
much to drink already.
1. Engage in eye contact. It could
lead to a proposition to engage in
combat. Or sexual activity.
2. Engage in conversation. Not
with your friend, brother, lover or
even Jesus himself.
3. Touch. If we don’t encourage
talking, why would you even
consider touching?
4. Pull your trousers all the way
down to the ankles. It’s just weird,
and that’s what the fly is for. We get
it—it’s comfortable—but really, if
comfort were to always come first,
we’d all be in onesies.
5. Flail your hands. Tissue paper
and those cool Dyson hand dryers
are there for a reason. Jazz hands
in a toilet? Next you'll be doing the
splits in the supermarket.
6. Allow your gaze to wander,
especially to another man’s nether
regions. Your gaze should be fixed.
Straight ahead. Always. Even if Elvis
walks in, dressed as a baboon.
Stay focused.
Do DON’T