Family Roles Michelle Meyer, MA
Family Roles <ul><li>Think of the family like a system </li></ul><ul><li>Like a mobile or a machine, each part affects the...
Addiction <ul><li>Loss of control </li></ul><ul><li>Compulsion to use </li></ul><ul><li>Continued use despite consequences...
Unhealthy Family Rules <ul><li>Don’t talk </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t trust </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t feel </li></ul>
Other Characteristics <ul><li>Communication is indirect, unclear, shaming, covert </li></ul><ul><li>Rituals are dreaded or...
FAMILY SCULPTURE
Addict <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Use of chemicals </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Abusive </li></ul></ul><ul><ul>...
Addict <ul><li>Underlying feelings </li></ul><ul><ul><li>SHAME </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Guilt, self-hatred, helpless...
Co-Dependent <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Rescuing </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Excusing </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><...
Co-Dependent <ul><li>Underlying feeling </li></ul><ul><ul><li>ANGER </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Hurt, exhaustion, fearf...
Hero <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>The “Good Kid” </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>High achiever </li></ul></ul><ul><u...
Hero <ul><li>Internalized messages </li></ul><ul><ul><li>I will take care of everyone </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I’m okay ...
Scapegoat <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Acting out </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Defiant </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li...
Scapegoat <ul><li>Internalized messages </li></ul><ul><ul><li>I’ll show you </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I don’t need anyone...
Lost Child <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Withdrawn </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Loner </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>D...
Lost Child <ul><li>Internalized Messages </li></ul><ul><ul><li>I don’t matter </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I am invisible </...
Mascot <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Attention-getting  </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Humor </li></ul></ul><ul><ul>...
Mascot <ul><li>Internalized Messages </li></ul><ul><ul><li>I laugh instead of cry </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>If they laugh...
COSTS <ul><li>Hero </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Compulsive drive, pressure, suicide </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Scapegoat </li></ul><u...
Interventions <ul><li>Break the “Don’t Talk” rule </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Helps children make sense of the world </li></ul><...
Considerations in Talking with Young Children <ul><li>Preserve healthy boundaries within the family </li></ul><ul><li>Prov...
<ul><li>Children need to know they are not alone </li></ul><ul><li>They need to know it’s not their fault </li></ul><ul><l...
Role-Specific Interventions - Hero <ul><li>Do: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Give attention at times the child is not achieving </...
Scapegoat <ul><li>Do </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Identify inappropriate behavior immediately </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Reinforc...
Lost Child <ul><li>Do </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Notice them…do you know their names? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Try one-to-one...
Mascot <ul><li>Do </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Give consequences for clown behavior </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Give child a job w...
Self-Esteem in Dysfunctional Families <ul><li>Family rules are bound to the self-worth of each individual. </li></ul><ul><...
Self-Esteem (continued) <ul><li>The self-esteem a child has is dependent on what his caregivers have to give. </li></ul><u...
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Family roles

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Family roles

  1. 1. Family Roles Michelle Meyer, MA
  2. 2. Family Roles <ul><li>Think of the family like a system </li></ul><ul><li>Like a mobile or a machine, each part affects the others </li></ul><ul><li>Roles and rules help define the family system </li></ul><ul><li>Roles are bound to communication </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Explicit, implicit, expectations </li></ul></ul>
  3. 3. Addiction <ul><li>Loss of control </li></ul><ul><li>Compulsion to use </li></ul><ul><li>Continued use despite consequences </li></ul><ul><li>Other stressors, traumas and dysfunctions in families can create the same dynamics as addiction </li></ul>
  4. 4. Unhealthy Family Rules <ul><li>Don’t talk </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t trust </li></ul><ul><li>Don’t feel </li></ul>
  5. 5. Other Characteristics <ul><li>Communication is indirect, unclear, shaming, covert </li></ul><ul><li>Rituals are dreaded or non-existent </li></ul><ul><li>Hierarchies are skewed, with role reversal, role confusion, power imbalances </li></ul><ul><li>Boundaries are blurred, violated, enmeshed </li></ul>
  6. 6. FAMILY SCULPTURE
  7. 7. Addict <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Use of chemicals </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Abusive </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Controlling </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Withdrawal of love, attention, affection </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Blaming </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Anger </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Self-righteousness </li></ul></ul>
  8. 8. Addict <ul><li>Underlying feelings </li></ul><ul><ul><li>SHAME </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Guilt, self-hatred, helplessness, despair </li></ul></ul></ul>
  9. 9. Co-Dependent <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Rescuing </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Excusing </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Denial </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Helplessness </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Martyr </li></ul></ul>
  10. 10. Co-Dependent <ul><li>Underlying feeling </li></ul><ul><ul><li>ANGER </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><ul><li>Hurt, exhaustion, fearful, anxious, betrayed </li></ul></ul></ul>
  11. 11. Hero <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>The “Good Kid” </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>High achiever </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Successful </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Overly responsible </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Intellectual </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>PAYOFF: HONOR and WORTH </li></ul></ul>
  12. 12. Hero <ul><li>Internalized messages </li></ul><ul><ul><li>I will take care of everyone </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I’m okay if I do well </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I’m responsible for everything </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I must look good at all costs </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Underlying feeling: INADEQUACY </li></ul>
  13. 13. Scapegoat <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Acting out </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Defiant </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Peer-oriented </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Sullen, angry </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Irresponsible </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Chemical use </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Law breaking, truancy </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>PAYOFF: REMOVE FOCUS FROM REAL PROBLEM, TARGET FOR PAIN </li></ul></ul>
  14. 14. Scapegoat <ul><li>Internalized messages </li></ul><ul><ul><li>I’ll show you </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I don’t need anyone </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I don’t care </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I won’t feel </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>You can’t hurt me </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Underlying feeling: HURT </li></ul>
  15. 15. Lost Child <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Withdrawn </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Loner </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Day dreamer </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Unnoticed </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>PAYOFF: RELIEF OF RESPONSIBILITY </li></ul></ul>
  16. 16. Lost Child <ul><li>Internalized Messages </li></ul><ul><ul><li>I don’t matter </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I am invisible </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I have no self </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I am worthless </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Underlying Feeling: LONELINESS </li></ul>
  17. 17. Mascot <ul><li>Behaviors </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Attention-getting </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Humor </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Clowning </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Super cute </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Overly active </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Silly </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>PAYOFF: FUN, DISTRACTION </li></ul></ul>
  18. 18. Mascot <ul><li>Internalized Messages </li></ul><ul><ul><li>I laugh instead of cry </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>If they laugh, they like me </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I can fix it </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I’m not worth taking seriously </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>I will stay little </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Underlying Feeling: FEAR </li></ul>
  19. 19. COSTS <ul><li>Hero </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Compulsive drive, pressure, suicide </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Scapegoat </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Addiction, criminal behavior, drop out </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Lost Child </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Isolation, abuse victim, eating disorders </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Mascot </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Immaturity, distant relationships, manipulation </li></ul></ul>
  20. 20. Interventions <ul><li>Break the “Don’t Talk” rule </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Helps children make sense of the world </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Teaches children to face rather than deny their reality </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Allows family to become a more open system and receive support </li></ul></ul>
  21. 21. Considerations in Talking with Young Children <ul><li>Preserve healthy boundaries within the family </li></ul><ul><li>Provide clear information </li></ul><ul><li>Choose an appropriate time and involve the parents </li></ul><ul><li>Be prepared to revisit the subject, it’s a process </li></ul>
  22. 22. <ul><li>Children need to know they are not alone </li></ul><ul><li>They need to know it’s not their fault </li></ul><ul><li>They need to know their risks </li></ul><ul><li>They need to know they can get help and get better, even if their family doesn’t </li></ul>
  23. 23. Role-Specific Interventions - Hero <ul><li>Do: </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Give attention at times the child is not achieving </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Validate the child’s intrinsic worth </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Let the child know it’s okay to make a mistake </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Don’t </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Let the child monopolize conversations or always answer questions </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Let the child validate worth only by achievement </li></ul></ul>
  24. 24. Scapegoat <ul><li>Do </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Identify inappropriate behavior immediately </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Reinforce child for taking responsibility </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Set limits </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Hold accountable </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Be consistent </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Don’t </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Feel sorry </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Give child more power </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Agree with child’s complaints about others </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Take behavior personally </li></ul></ul>
  25. 25. Lost Child <ul><li>Do </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Notice them…do you know their names? </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Try one-to-one contact </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Encourage the child’s strengths and talents </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Use touch sparingly </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Help child build a relationship </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Use small groups or pairs first </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Don’t </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Let the child remain silent </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Allow others to take care of the child by answering for him/her </li></ul></ul>
  26. 26. Mascot <ul><li>Do </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Give consequences for clown behavior </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Give child a job with responsibility </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Hold the child accountable </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Encourage appropriate humor </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Insist on eye contact </li></ul></ul><ul><li>Don’t </li></ul><ul><ul><li>Laugh at silly behavior </li></ul></ul><ul><ul><li>Get pulled into the clown mode or s/he won’t take you seriously </li></ul></ul>
  27. 27. Self-Esteem in Dysfunctional Families <ul><li>Family rules are bound to the self-worth of each individual. </li></ul><ul><li>Less healthy rules tend to dominate those that are healthier. </li></ul><ul><li>A person who feels inadequate transmits those feelings destructively. </li></ul><ul><li>An addict is not in a position to nurture the value of others. </li></ul>
  28. 28. Self-Esteem (continued) <ul><li>The self-esteem a child has is dependent on what his caregivers have to give. </li></ul><ul><li>Children accommodate to unhealthy rules by operating out-of-tune with their own personal needs. </li></ul><ul><li>Positive self-esteem is likely to be greeted with hostility. </li></ul><ul><li>Cycle is perpetuated from generation to generation. </li></ul>

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