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Raising Socially & Emotionally Intelligent Children<br />Rabbi Binyamin Goldman, PsyD, CSP<br />
What is Emotional Intelligence?“EQ”<br />
The 5 EQ Competencies<br />Self-Awareness<br />Social Awareness<br />Self-Management<br />Relationship Skills<br />Respons...
Emotional Intelligence Competencies<br />Responsible Decision Making<br />Thoughts <br />Actions<br />Responsible Decision...
Self-Awareness<br />Across Development<br />Elementary Grades:<br />Should be able to recognize and accurately label simpl...
Social Awareness<br />Across Development<br />Elementary Grades:<br />Should be able to identify verbal, physical, and sit...
Recognizing and appreciating individual and group similarities and differences
Recognizing and using family, school, and community resources</li></li></ul><li>Self-Management<br />Across Development<br...
Relationship Skills<br />Across Development<br />Elementary Grades:<br />Should have an ability to describe approaches to ...
Resisting inappropriate social pressure; preventing, managing, and resolving interpersonal conflict
Seeking help when needed</li></li></ul><li>Responsible Decision-Making<br />Across Development<br />Elementary Grades:<br ...
Family Life<br />Our first school for emotional learning<br />
Family Life<br /><ul><li>Through family life, we learn how to: </li></ul>Feel about ourselves and how others will react to...
Family Life<br />This learning takes place:<br />In what parents say and do<br />In how adults treat each other<br /><ul><...
Assessing Your Parenting Style<br />
The Dismissive Parent<br />
The Dismissive Parent	What they aren’t<br />Does NOT:<br />Problem-solve with the child; believes that the passage of time...
The Dismissive Parent	What they are<br />Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings; treats them as unimportant, triv...
The Dismissive ParentEffects of this style on children<br />They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not v...
Jessica Dubroff<br /> Jessica’s mother did not let her use negative words like “scared,” “fear,” and “the sadness.”<br />S...
The Disapproving Parent<br />
The Disapproving ParentWhat they are<br />Displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in a more negative way<b...
The Disapproving ParentEffects of this style on children<br />Same as the Dismissing style<br />
The Laissez-Faire Parent<br />
The Laissez-Faire ParentWhat they aren’t<br />Does NOT:<br />Offer much guidance on behavior<br />Teach the child about em...
The Laissez-Faire ParentWhat they are<br />Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child<br />Offers comfort to t...
The Laissez-Faire ParentEffects of this style on children<br />They don’t want to regulate their emotions<br />They have t...
The Emotion Coach<br />
The Emotion Coach 	What they aren’t<br /><ul><li>Is NOT:</li></ul>Confused or anxious about the child’s emotional expressi...
The Emotion Coach	What They Are <br />Values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy<br />Can tolerat...
The Balance<br />”ואהבתאתה' אלקיךבכללבבךוגו'“בכלמדהומדהשהואמודדלךהוימודהלו<br />)ברכות, נד: (<br />
The Emotion Coach	What They Are <br />Uses emotional moments as a time to:<br />Listen to the child<br />Empathize with so...
The Emotion CoachEffects of this style on children<br />They learn to:<br />Trust their feelings<br />Regulate their own e...
Becoming an Emotion Coach<br />
Steps parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children, enhancing the children’s emotional int...
Scenario #1<br /><ul><li>Eight-year-old Dovid comes in from the yard, looking dejected because the kids next door have ref...
What’s Dovid Thinking?<br />
Scenario #1<br />Tatty’s right. I’m acting like a baby. That’s why the guys next door don’t want to play with me. I wonder...
Scenario #2<br />Moishe puts down the sefer, looks at Dovid, and says:<br />You look kind of sad, Dovid. <br />Tell me wha...
Scenario #2<br />If Moishe listens—really listens with an open heart—perhaps Dovid will come up with a different assessmen...
Scenario #2<br />Dovid:	“Baruch and Shlomo won’t let me play basketball with them.”<br />Moishie:	“I’ll bet that hurt your...
The Difference is empathy!<br />
Scaffolding<br />Scene:Mother finds her young daughter standing in front of a dog,  screaming in fright (The daughter is i...
Practice Example<br />(Hugging the child) “Shhh… Mommy’s here, it’s OK. (Shoos the dog away)<br />“Now, now. That was real...
Scaffolding<br />The mother is using the emotion as anopportunity for intimacy and teaching<br />In this scenario, she is ...
Don’t be Too Negative<br />Excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child are destructive to parent-chil...
 Use “Scaffolding” and Praise<br />“Scaffolding” components:<br />Give children just enough information to get started, ta...
Additional Emotion Coaching Strategies<br />
Additional Strategies	<br /> Ignore your “parental agenda”<br />Create a mental map of your child’s daily life<br />Avoid ...
Additional Strategies (continued)<br />Share in your child’s dreams and fantasies<br />Be honest with your child<br />Use ...
When NOT to Be an Emotion Coach<br />
When NOT to Be an Emotion Coach<br />When you’re pressed for time<br />When you have an audience<br />When you are too ups...
Testing Our Skills<br />
Sample Exercise<br />A child disappears in a large department store and the parents are very worried about the child. Afte...
Exercise #1<br />A child comes home from school and says, “ I’m never going back to school again! The teacher yelled at me...
Exercise #2<br />In the bathtub, your child says, “I hate my brother. I wish he would be dead.”<br />Wrong response:<br />...
Exercise #3<br /> Your child’s friend is visiting. Your child says to the friend, “I don’t want to share this toy with you...
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Emotionally Intelligent Parenting

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Emotionally Intelligent Parenting

  1. 1. Raising Socially & Emotionally Intelligent Children<br />Rabbi Binyamin Goldman, PsyD, CSP<br />
  2. 2. What is Emotional Intelligence?“EQ”<br />
  3. 3. The 5 EQ Competencies<br />Self-Awareness<br />Social Awareness<br />Self-Management<br />Relationship Skills<br />Responsible Decision Making<br />
  4. 4. Emotional Intelligence Competencies<br />Responsible Decision Making<br />Thoughts <br />Actions<br />Responsible Decision Making<br /> Self OtherS<br />
  5. 5. Self-Awareness<br />Across Development<br />Elementary Grades:<br />Should be able to recognize and accurately label simple emotions such as sadness, anger, and happiness<br />Middle School:<br />Should be able to analyze factors that trigger their stress reactions. <br />High School: <br />Are expected to analyze how various expressions of emotion affect other people.<br />Accurately assessing one’s own thoughts, feelings, interests, values, and strengths<br />Recognizing how they influence choices and actions<br />Maintaining a well-grounded sense of self-confidence<br />
  6. 6. Social Awareness<br />Across Development<br />Elementary Grades:<br />Should be able to identify verbal, physical, and situational cues indicating how others feel.<br />Middle School: <br />Should be able to predict others’ feelings and perspectives in various situations. <br />High School:<br />Should be able to evaluate their ability to empathize with others.<br /><ul><li>Taking others’ perspective and empathizing with them
  7. 7. Recognizing and appreciating individual and group similarities and differences
  8. 8. Recognizing and using family, school, and community resources</li></li></ul><li>Self-Management<br />Across Development<br />Elementary Grades:<br />Children are expected to describe the steps of setting and working toward goals.<br />Middle School: <br />They should be able to set and make a plan to achieve a short-term personal or academic goal. <br />High School:<br />Should be able to identify strategies to make use of available school and community resources and overcome obstacles in achieving a long-term goal.<br />Regulating one’s emotions to handle stress, control impulses, and persevere in overcoming obstacles<br />Setting and monitoring progress toward personal, academic and religious goals<br />Expressing emotions appropriately<br />
  9. 9. Relationship Skills<br />Across Development<br />Elementary Grades:<br />Should have an ability to describe approaches to making and keeping friends. <br />Middle School:<br />Are expected to demonstrate co-operation and team-work to promote group goals.<br />High School:<br />Are expected to evaluate uses of communication skills with peers, teachers, and family members.<br /><ul><li>Establishing and maintaining healthy and rewarding relationships based on cooperation
  10. 10. Resisting inappropriate social pressure; preventing, managing, and resolving interpersonal conflict
  11. 11. Seeking help when needed</li></li></ul><li>Responsible Decision-Making<br />Across Development<br />Elementary Grades:<br />Should be able to identify a range of decisions they make at home and school. <br />Middle School: <br />Should be able to evaluate strategies for resisting peer pressure to engage in unsafe or unethical activities.<br />High School:<br />Should be able to analyze how their current decision-making affects their yeshiva, seminary, or college and career prospects <br /><ul><li>Making decisions based on consideration of: </li></ul>Ethical or halachic standards <br />Safety concerns <br />Appropriate social norms <br />Respect for others, and <br />Likely consequences of various actions <br />Applying decision-making skills to social and academic situations<br />Contributing to the well-being of one’s family, school and community<br />
  12. 12. Family Life<br />Our first school for emotional learning<br />
  13. 13. Family Life<br /><ul><li>Through family life, we learn how to: </li></ul>Feel about ourselves and how others will react to our feelings <br />Think about these feelings and what choices we have in reacting<br />Read and express hopes and fears<br />
  14. 14. Family Life<br />This learning takes place:<br />In what parents say and do<br />In how adults treat each other<br /><ul><li>When parents are emotionally competent in their own relationships, they are more capable of helping their children work through their emotional challenges.</li></li></ul><li>Emotionally Intelligent Parenting <br />How to be an “Emotion Coach”<br />
  15. 15. Assessing Your Parenting Style<br />
  16. 16. The Dismissive Parent<br />
  17. 17. The Dismissive Parent What they aren’t<br />Does NOT:<br />Problem-solve with the child; believes that the passage of time will resolve most problems<br />Feel certain about what to do with the child’s emotions<br />Show much interest in what the child is trying to communicate<br />Like focusing on negative emotions; believes that it will “just make things worse”<br />Likely have great awareness of emotions in self and others<br />Focus much on the meaning of the emotion; more interested in how to get over them<br />Feel that children’s feelings count; believes that they are irrational<br />
  18. 18. The Dismissive Parent What they are<br />Disengages from or ignores the child’s feelings; treats them as unimportant, trivial<br />Wants the child’s negative emotions to disappear quickly <br />Believes negative emotions are harmful or toxic <br />Minimizes the child’s feelings, downplaying the events that led to the emotion; may ridicule or make light of a child’s emotions <br />Fears being out-of-control emotionally<br />Feels uncomfortable, fearful, anxious, annoyed, hurt or overwhelmed by the child’s emotions; sees them as demands to fix things<br />Believes that focusing on negative emotions will “just make things worse”<br />Believes negative emotions mean the child is not well-adjusted, that they reflect badly on their parents<br />Characteristically uses distraction to shut down child’s emotions<br />
  19. 19. The Dismissive ParentEffects of this style on children<br />They learn that their feelings are wrong, inappropriate, not valid.<br />They may learn that there is something inherently wrong with them because of the way they feel.<br />They may have difficulty regulating their own emotions<br />
  20. 20. Jessica Dubroff<br /> Jessica’s mother did not let her use negative words like “scared,” “fear,” and “the sadness.”<br />She told reporters, “Children are fearless. That’s their natural state until adults ingrained fear in them.”<br />After Jessica’s crash, her mother told the press, “I know what people want. Cheers. But I will not do that. Emotion is unnatural. There is something untruthful about it.”<br />
  21. 21. The Disapproving Parent<br />
  22. 22. The Disapproving ParentWhat they are<br />Displays many of the Dismissing Parent’s behaviors, but in a more negative way<br />Judges and criticizes the child’s emotional expression<br />Is over-aware of the need to set limits on their children<br />Emphasizes conformity to good standards of behavior; Is concerned with the child’s obedience to authority<br />Reprimands, disciplines, or punish the child for emotional expression, whether the child is misbehaving or not<br />Believes expression of negative emotions should be time-limited<br />Believes negative emotions reflect bad character traits and need to be controlled<br />Believes the child uses negative emotions to manipulate; this belief results in power struggles<br />Believes emotions make people week; children must be emotionally tough for survival<br />Believes negative emotions are unproductive, a waste of time<br />
  23. 23. The Disapproving ParentEffects of this style on children<br />Same as the Dismissing style<br />
  24. 24. The Laissez-Faire Parent<br />
  25. 25. The Laissez-Faire ParentWhat they aren’t<br />Does NOT:<br />Offer much guidance on behavior<br />Teach the child about emotions<br />Set limits; is permissive<br />Help children solve problems <br />Teach problem-solving methods to the child<br />
  26. 26. The Laissez-Faire ParentWhat they are<br />Freely accepts all emotional expression from the child<br />Offers comfort to the child experiencing negative feelings<br />Believes there is little you can do about negative emotions other than ride them out<br />Believes that managing negative emotions is a matter of “hydraulics”; release the emotion and the work is done<br />
  27. 27. The Laissez-Faire ParentEffects of this style on children<br />They don’t want to regulate their emotions<br />They have trouble concentrating, forming friendships, and getting along with other children<br />
  28. 28. The Emotion Coach<br />
  29. 29. The Emotion Coach What they aren’t<br /><ul><li>Is NOT:</li></ul>Confused or anxious about the child’s emotional expression; knows what needs to be done<br />Does NOT:<br />Poke fun at or make light of the child’s negative feelings<br />Say how one should feel<br />Feel he or she has to fix every problem for the child<br />
  30. 30. The Emotion Coach What They Are <br />Values the child’s negative emotions as an opportunity for intimacy<br />Can tolerate spending time with a sad, angry, or fearful child; does not become impatient with the emotion<br />Is aware of and values his or her own emotions<br />Sees the world of negative emotions as an important arena for parenting<br />Is sensitive to the child’s emotional states, even when they are subtle<br />Respects the child’s emotions<br />
  31. 31. The Balance<br />”ואהבתאתה' אלקיךבכללבבךוגו'“בכלמדהומדהשהואמודדלךהוימודהלו<br />)ברכות, נד: (<br />
  32. 32. The Emotion Coach What They Are <br />Uses emotional moments as a time to:<br />Listen to the child<br />Empathize with soothing words and affection<br />Help the child label the emotion he or she is feeling<br />Offer guidance on regulating emotions<br />Set limits and teach acceptable expression of emotions<br />Teach problem-solving skills<br />
  33. 33. The Emotion CoachEffects of this style on children<br />They learn to:<br />Trust their feelings<br />Regulate their own emotions<br />Solve problems<br />They have high self-esteem, learn well, get along well with others<br />
  34. 34. Becoming an Emotion Coach<br />
  35. 35. Steps parents commonly use to build empathy into relationships with their children, enhancing the children’s emotional intelligence<br />5 Key Steps to Emotion Coaching<br />
  36. 36. Scenario #1<br /><ul><li>Eight-year-old Dovid comes in from the yard, looking dejected because the kids next door have refused to play with him. His father, Moishe, looks up from his sefer just long enough to say:</li></ul>Not again! Look, Dovid, you’re a big kid now, not a baby. Don’t get upset every time somebody gives you the cold shoulder. Just forget about it. Call one of your friends from school. Chazeryour Chumash, play on the computer.<br />
  37. 37. What’s Dovid Thinking?<br />
  38. 38. Scenario #1<br />Tatty’s right. I’m acting like a baby. That’s why the guys next door don’t want to play with me. I wonder what’s wrong with me. Why can’t I just forget it like Tatty says? I’m such a wimp! Nobody wants to be my friend. <br />
  39. 39. Scenario #2<br />Moishe puts down the sefer, looks at Dovid, and says:<br />You look kind of sad, Dovid. <br />Tell me what’s going on.<br />
  40. 40. Scenario #2<br />If Moishe listens—really listens with an open heart—perhaps Dovid will come up with a different assessment of himself. The conversation might continue like this:<br />
  41. 41. Scenario #2<br />Dovid: “Baruch and Shlomo won’t let me play basketball with them.”<br />Moishie: “I’ll bet that hurt your feelings.”<br />Dovid: “Yeah it did. It made me mad, too.”<br />Moishie: “I can see that.”<br />Dovid: “There’s no reason why I can’t shoot baskets with them.”<br />Moishe: “Did you talk to them about it?”<br />Dovid: “Nah, I don’t want to.”<br />Moishe: “What do you want to do?”<br />Dovid: “I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just blow it off.”<br />Moishe: “You think that’s a better idea?”<br />Dovid: “Yeah, ‘cuz they’ll probably change their minds tomorrow. I think I’ll call one of my friends from school or do my chazara. Maybe I’ll play on the computer.”<br />
  42. 42. The Difference is empathy!<br />
  43. 43. Scaffolding<br />Scene:Mother finds her young daughter standing in front of a dog, screaming in fright (The daughter is in no physical danger)<br />How should Mom handle this? <br />What should she say/do?<br />
  44. 44. Practice Example<br />(Hugging the child) “Shhh… Mommy’s here, it’s OK. (Shoos the dog away)<br />“Now, now. That was really scary wasn’t it? I know. It will be OK now. Mommy’s got you. There, there. Let’s tell that big doggie to go away. OK? Go away big doggie!” All the while hugging and soothing the child.<br />Response #1<br />Response #2<br />
  45. 45. Scaffolding<br />The mother is using the emotion as anopportunity for intimacy and teaching<br />In this scenario, she is scaffoldingself-control by modeling it first and then inviting the daughter to join in problem-solving<br />As the girl gets older, the mother can strip the scaffolding and simply prompt the child (“What can you do to make the big doggie go away?”) rather than providing the solutions<br />“Now, now. That was really scary wasn’t it? I know. <br />It will be OK now. Mommy’s got you. There, there.<br />Let’s tell that big doggie to go away. OK? <br />Go away big doggie!” <br />All the while hugging and soothing the child.<br />Validating & Labeling<br />Reassuring<br />Problem-Solving Suggestion<br />Joint Problem-Solving<br />Reassuring<br />
  46. 46. Don’t be Too Negative<br />Excessive criticism, humiliating comments, or mocking your child are destructive to parent-child communication and to children’s self-esteem<br />Examples:<br />The “helicopter mom”<br />Labeling<br />Making the child the butt of jokes for other adults for<br />
  47. 47. Use “Scaffolding” and Praise<br />“Scaffolding” components:<br />Give children just enough information to get started, talking in a slow, calm manner<br />Wait for the child to do something right and offer specific praise for their action.<br /> Add just a little bit more instruction and repeat.<br />
  48. 48. Additional Emotion Coaching Strategies<br />
  49. 49. Additional Strategies <br /> Ignore your “parental agenda”<br />Create a mental map of your child’s daily life<br />Avoid “siding with the enemy”<br />Think about your child’s situation in terms of similar adult situations<br />Don’t try to impose your solutions on your child’s problems<br />Empower your child by giving choices, respecting wishes<br />
  50. 50. Additional Strategies (continued)<br />Share in your child’s dreams and fantasies<br />Be honest with your child<br />Use books and stories to build your child’s emotional vocabulary<br />Be patient with the process<br />Understand your base of power as a parent<br />Believe in the positive nature of human development<br />
  51. 51. When NOT to Be an Emotion Coach<br />
  52. 52. When NOT to Be an Emotion Coach<br />When you’re pressed for time<br />When you have an audience<br />When you are too upset or too tired for coaching to be productive<br />When you need to address serious misbehavior<br />When your child is “faking” an emotion to manipulate you<br />
  53. 53. Testing Our Skills<br />
  54. 54. Sample Exercise<br />A child disappears in a large department store and the parents are very worried about the child. After a while, a clearly upset child is found by a store employee, who helps the child find the parent.<br />Parent’s agenda: <br />“You stupid child! I am so mad at you, I am never taking new shopping again.”<br />Child’s feeling: <br />Fear<br />Right response:<br />“you must have been so scared. I was scared, too. Come here and let me hold you for a while. Then let’s talk over what happened.”<br />
  55. 55. Exercise #1<br />A child comes home from school and says, “ I’m never going back to school again! The teacher yelled at me in front of my friends!”<br />Wrong response:<br />“What did you do to make a teacher yell at you?”<br />Parent’s agenda:<br />Child’s feeling:<br />Right response:<br />
  56. 56. Exercise #2<br />In the bathtub, your child says, “I hate my brother. I wish he would be dead.”<br />Wrong response:<br />“That’s a terrible thing to say. We don’t talk that way in his house. You don’t hate your brother. You love your brother. I never want to hear you say that again!”<br />Parent’s agenda?<br />Child’s feeling?<br />Right response?<br />
  57. 57. Exercise #3<br /> Your child’s friend is visiting. Your child says to the friend, “I don’t want to share this toy with you. You can’t play with it!”<br />Wrong response:<br />“What bad middos! You are selfish child. You have to learn to share!”<br />Parent’s agenda?<br />Child’s feeling?<br />Right response?<br />
  58. 58. Selected References<br />Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting, by John Gottman and Joan DeClaire. <br />Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ, by Daniel Goleman<br />Parent Effectiveness Training, by Thomas Gordon<br />

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