1. Ministering to Children in
Crisis & Grief Situations
Prepared and Presented By
Glen Christie, MS,
EdS, ThD, CASAC
Faith Bible College
Crisis Counseling II

2. Ministering to Children in
Crisis & Grief Situations
• The Nature of Crisis
• The Nature of Grief
• The Phases of Grief
• Guidelines for Ministry

3. The Nature of Crisis
Definitions of Crisis
–A turning point for better or for worse
–A decisive or critical moment
–Any event that changes the course or
direction of one’s life

4. The Nature of Crisis
Intensity of Crisis
–Intensities of crises vary - some are more
intense than others
–What seems insignificant to one child
may be earth shaking for another
–Many times a child’s fears, anxiety, and
hysteria are out of proportion to the
reality of the situation
–“Fear of the unknown”

5. Categories of Common
Crisis
 Child Maltreatment
 Substance Abuse in the Family
 Depression and suicide
 Divorce and separation
 Children and violence
 Death and bereavement

6. Child Maltreatment
 Physical abuse
 Beating, striking with an object, burning, biting
 Physical neglect
 Failure to provide basic needs: food, medical,
protection
 Sexual abuse
 Using a child for sexual gratification: range from
watching a child undress to rape
 Psychological abuse
 Chronic denigration of child, isolation, terrorizing,
excessive demands, parental violence and drug use
 Emotional neglect
 Failure to provide affection; failure to thrive

7. Child Sexual Abuse
• Children are often guilt ridden
 It is their fault that it happened (the abuser may tell
them this)
 They feel they should have prevented it
 Someone is in jail because they “told”
 They may have had to tell the story too many times
 Talking about the event may be its own trauma
 Being removed from the home is traumatic
• Needs
 Education on what is appropriate
 Reassurance
 Balance protective measures with trust in the
world

8. Child Sexual Abuse
Child’s memory of abuse
 Children’s memories are susceptible to manipulation
 You are not trained to interrogate for sexual abuse
but you must report suspicions
 Do not jump to conclusions
 Do not ask leading questions (child will try to come
up with “correct” answer.
 Get external corroboration
 Pay attention to body language
 Let the child tell her story
 Be empathic but neutral (do not get upset)
 Use clarification and summary skills
 Use child's language

9. Self-Injury
When a child intentionally hurts him/herself
without suicidal intent.
Children 2 To 12 - scratching, biting self,
ripping/pulling/eating hair, head banging ….
Children 12 to 16 - cutting, scratching,
eraser/flame burning, biting, ripping/pulling hair,
bruising/head banging, swallowing excessive OTC
medication or toxic substances….

10. Self-Injury
Self-Injury can last for weeks, months, or years.
For many it goes in cycles: it is used for a time,
then stopped, then resumed. (addictive?)
Estimates are that only about 10-15% of kids do
it, usually beginning between ages 12 to 15,
however, just as many young children 2 to 6 do
it, but it isn’t caught because:
They’re not in school yet
Parents protecting themselves .

11. Self-Injury
Reasons:
 Difficulty coping with anxiety, fear, anger, sadness,
depression, or stress.
 Difficulty expressing feelings.
 Feeling numbness emotionally.
 To feel in control of their bodies or mind.
 Separation from someone you love.
 Getting bullied or assaulted.
 Neglect.
 Physical violence, emotional abuse or sexual
abuse.

12. FACTS ABOUT SELF-
INJURY:
(based on Myths)
 Self-harm is Not usually a failed suicide attempt.
 People who self-injure are Not crazy and do not
need to be locked up.
 People who self-harm are Not just trying to get
attention.
 Teen girls are Not the only ones who self-injure,
some boys do too.
 Self-harm Is serious, even if the wounds aren't
"bad enough“. Hospitalization, even accidental
death can occur.

13. Choking Game

14. Choking Game
The object is to cut off blood flow to the brain by
applying pressure to the carotid artery causing the
person to nearly, or completely pass out, then
releasing the pressure allowing the “rush” of blood
back into the brain causing a lightheaded feeling
resembling a quick “high”.
But, when the blood rushes back to the brain, that
is when it may cause a leak or bursting of a blood
vessel called a stroke. Although you may not feel
anything different later on, it may lead to
headaches and even death within a few days.

15. Choking Game
 Self-strangulation kills brain cells, and causes
short term memory loss, concussions, broken
bones from falling, seizures, stroke, and death.
 Deaths occur within 4-5 minutes of strangulation.
When the person passes out, no one is there to
remove the “noose” or revive them.
 Even if someone else is there the person could still
die. If that person is putting pressure on their
neck and it affects a certain group of nerves, that
can cause a heart attack.

16. Children in Chemically
Dependent Families
 More than 78 million Americans, or 43 percent of the
adult population, has been exposed to alcoholism in
the family, most were left out of the parent’s
treatment
 Compared with other children have significant risks
for mental illness, physical health difficulties and
learning problems
 Both physical and psychological needs have not
been met
 Child’s environment has been unpredictable

17. Children in Chemically
Dependent Families
Counseling Goals:
Give emotional support to the children
Provide accurate, nonjudgmental information
about chemical dependency.
Correct child’s misperceptions about being the cause
of the problem.
Help children focus on their own behavior.
Help children learn to cope with possible situations.
Reduce children’s isolation.

18. Depression and Suicide
Signs of depression
 Persistent sadness
 Hopelessness
 Loss of interest
 Change in eating/sleeping habits
 Truancy, sudden drop in grades
 Thoughts of death and suicide
 All the normal risk factors plus
 Learning disabilities
 Giftedness
 Single best predictor is persistent suicidal
ideation (and/or repeated attempts)

19. Depression and Suicide
Strategies
Tell parents to find a professional counselor
Do not ignore threats or insinuations
Listen in detail
Give them permission to call any time
Confront the child
Allow the child to talk about recent problems
Ask about their plan: a well thought out plan is
serious
Use projective techniques: stories, pictures
Watch for a long time after initial threat
A sudden recovery may be a danger signal

20. Depression and Suicide
Question checklist
Have you had a problem with feeling sad, trouble
sleeping, not eating?
Has anything happened recently that particularly
upset you?
Did you ever feel so upset you wished you were dead?
Did you ever do something so dangerous you knew
you could get killed?
Did you ever tell anyone you wanted to die?
What would it be like if you died?
How did it feel when you thought about killing
yourself?

21. Interventions for Suicide
 Trust your suspicions.
 Never ignore threat, hints or comments.
 Tell the young person you are worried.
 Ask direct, specific questions.
 If they admit thoughts, ask about their plan.
 Do not debate.
 Do not promise to keep secret.
 Do not leave child alone.
 Remain actively involved with the youngster.
 Confirm with parents
 Use available resources.
 Assure child something is being done

22. Interventions for Suicide
 Enhance self-esteem.
 Listen carefully and non-judgmentally.
 Allow them to have phone numbers for people
to call if they are in distress.
 Talk with parents.
 Talk with children about their lives.
 Ask them about their fantasies and dreams.
 Be aware they may not understand the finality
of death.
 Be cautious for the months after the threat.

23. Family Structure
Children of divorce
The most important item is parental support
Tasks children must work through
Acknowledging the reality of the marriage
breakup
Disengaging from parental conflict
Resolution of loss
Resolving anger and self blame
Accepting the permanence of divorce
Achieving realistic hope regarding relationships
the child may be afraid of developing new
relationships

24. Family Structure
Children in step families
 Primary task is attachment between step kin
 Counselors can help people work out their
roles
Stages in stepfamily development
 Early stages: fantasy, immersion, awareness
 Middle stages: mobilization, action
 Later stages: contact, resolution

25. Family Structure
Children in single parent homes
Twenty-three percent of children in U.S. being
raised in mother-only families
Single mothers vulnerable economically because
earnings are low and many do not receive child
support
Single mothers and fathers identify parenting
skills, family management and good
communication as their personal strengths
Emphasis on family education is necessary
Counseling strategies similar to many described
for children of divorce and in stepfamilies

26. Children and Violence
Most common antisocial behaviors of young
people:
Aggression and coercive misbehaviors in the family
Problems in school that often lead to a diagnosis of
conduct disorder
Community and school problems such as fighting
and property destruction
Minor criminal activity such as vandalism, substance
use and running away
Major criminal activity such as theft, robbery and
larceny
Violence and gang membership.

27. Children and Violence
 Violence in schools due to poor parenting,
disenfranchised students, lack of role models,
hate crimes, bullying, media violence
 Risk-taking behaviors, criminal activities and
violence toward other people
 Poor parent-child relationship, little supervision
or discipline, having neglectful parents, poor
school performance and attitude

28. Children and Violence
Effects on children
Young children effected even without verbalizing
More likely to respond nonverbally
Behavioral problems
Adjustment problems
School age children
Anxiety
Sleep disturbance
ADHD like symptoms
Constrained play

29. Losses For A Child
• Coping with divorce
• Coping with step parents & families
• Death of parent, sibling or close relative
• Surviving physical/sexual abuse
• Parent/sibling with substance abuse
• Coping with disability in self or sibling
• Coping with disasters or failures

30. Losses For A Child
Definitions
Grief
 Emotional suffering caused by loss of
something important or held dear
 A process of emotionally working through the
adjustments necessary as a result of loss.
Bereavement
 Suffering the loss of a loved on through death
 A specific type of grief related to the death of
a significant other
Sorrow
 The various displays of grief
 The emotional outlet of grief or bereavement

31. Potential Losses For A
Child
The Purposes of Grief
 To enable over a period of time to . . .
 Adapt to what has happened
 Bring us back to a sense of “normalcy”
 Return to our perceived purposes of life
 Draw to a close that part of “their life”
that was shared with us

32. Losses For A Child
The “Stages of Grief”
Shock & Denial
Emotional Release
Depressed and Lonely
Physical Symptoms of Distress
Panic
Guilt
Anger & Resentment
Resisting Returning
Hope
Affirming of Reality

33. Losses For A Child
The Four Tasks of Grief
To accept the finality and reality of the loss
To do the emotional work of grief
To adapt to a world without that which was lost
To emotionally re-invest in someone or
something else

34. The Phases of Grief
Stages in the Process of Grief
Shock - Unwelcome reality assaults a child in such an
overpowering way that he or she cannot accept it. He
or she may be stunned, angry, guilt-stricken, or may
act temporarily as though nothing serious has taken
place.
Numbness - The child may “freeze” and feel nothing.
Numbness is nature’s way of helping him or her
accept reality as fast as he or she can assimilate the
facts. He or she may feel that family, friends, and
even God are distant and indifferent. He or she my
be tempted to withdraw excessively.
Alternating between fantasy and reality -The
grief-stricken child struggles between reality and the
fantasy that nothing has happened. If he or she
“steels” him/herself against the unwelcome reality, he
or she will experience an increase of such destructive
emotions as anxiety, hostility, and guilt.

35. The Phases of Grief
Stages in the Process of Grief
Flooding of emotions and grief - The wall of fantasy
breaks and a flood of grief rolls over the child. Depression,
loss of meaning in life, bitterness, or hostility may
accompany this stage.
Selective memory and stabbing pain - After the out-
pouring of severe grief, the process levels off to a more
drawn-out and less intense day to day re-association of
memories. Such memories usually bring brief stabbing
pain. Grief-work continues through daytime fantasies or
bereavement dreams which relieve anxiety. Guilt feelings
may continue during this stage.
The acceptance of loss and the reaffirmation of life - The
grieved child by now has gone through a sort of death,
burial, and resurrection. He or she experiences a
reaffirmation of goals, values, meaning, and life itself. He
or she is capable of establishing new, meaningful
relationships and of re-entering old ones with new
meaning.

36. Death and Bereavement
 How a child reacts is a function of
 Developmental level
 How parents deal with life normally
 How family deals with a specific death
 Death is normal and bereavement should not
be an issue
 But in our culture death is a taboo
subject
 Children believe they are immortal
 Only old people die
 May feel responsible for the death

37. Death and Bereavement
Children need to hear:
someone will take care of them
the death is not their fault
their feelings may be different from those
around them
they can have as much time as they need to
figure things out
they do not need to rush or pretend to feel
differently

38. Death and Bereavement
Themes
I am stunned by the loss of this person.
The person is not dead.
I must find the deceased.
I am sad, hopeless, and lonely because I have
lost someone on whom I depended.
I am angry because the person I needed has
abandoned me.
I am frightened that the deceased will punish
me for causing their death or being angry at
them. I am afraid that I too may die of an illness
or fatal accident.

39. Death and Bereavement
Four tasks for children
Accepting the reality of the loss
Experiencing the pain of the loss
Adjusting to a new environment
Relocating the person while finding a
way to memorialize her

40. Death and Bereavement
Counseling strategies
Listen carefully and respond clearly
Allow children to express their grief
Help with understanding – talk about a plant
or animal dying
Work with family's clergy
Always a question on whether they should
attend the funeral – depends but probably
Work to reduce stress
Beware of possible regression
Watch for triggers of grief

41. Discussing &
Communicating I
Focus on feelings
Don’t jump to assumptions
Listen effectively
Respond with understanding
Use “I” statements not “You” statements
Stay focused on the “here and now”
Do not use “door closer” statements
Use “open ended” questions

42. Discussing &
Communicating II
Clarify what child is saying
Do not put words in child’s mouth
Make time for discussions with child
Maintain sense of empathy with child
Describe feelings of the child as being
acceptable and normal
Be rational in all discussions

43. Establishing Healthy
Boundaries
Maintain
individual identity
Discourage scarcity
principle
Get rid of guilt
Know difference
between love and
sympathy
Ignore helplessness
& neediness of kids
Get rid of need to
be needed
Don’t wait for time
to make it better
Don’t personalize
child’s problems
Let go of fear of
negative outcomes
No idealism or
fantasy thinking

44. Children Learn What They
Live
If a child lives with criticism, he learns to
condemn
If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight
If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to feel
shy
If a child lives with shame he learns to feel
guilty
If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be
patient
If a child lives with encouragement, he learns
confidence

45. Children Learn What
They Live
• If a child lives with praise, he learns to
appreciate
• If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice
• If a child lives with security, he learns to
have faith
• If a child lives with approval, he learns to
like himself
• If a child lives with acceptance and
friendship, he learns to find love in the
world.