2. WEEK
12
GAME OF THE WEEK
TEBOWS TITTIES VS. BELIEVE IT OR NOT
TABLE OF CONTENTS
Game of the Week
PAGE 1
Power Rankings
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Dave’s Top Ten
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CREATED BY DAVE CLARKE
Tebow’s Titties, led by owner Trevor Hamaguchi, has
a chance to knock Bryan Tyrer’s Believe It or Nots out of the
Steveston-McRoberts playoff picture this weekend. With
twelve teams still in the playoff hunt, anything can happen in
these final two weeks.
The Titties go into this week starting Josh McCown
and Scott Tolzien at QB, both of who have been surprisingly
not terrible filling in for their team’s franchisee starters. Guch
will be hurt by the Eagles bye, which will force him to sit two
of his top wide outs, DeSean Jackson and Riley Cooper.
However, their absence is helped by the outstanding Calvin
Johnson, who will surely be a lead candidate for MVP if this
team can steal a playoff spot. After being Percy Whipped last
week, look for this team to come out with a vengeance against
the Nots.
Despite having the fewest points in league history
through 11 games, the Believe It Or Nots still sit atop the
3. standings in the McRoberts division. Tyrer will need big
production out of Bob the third and the Niners D to make up
for the pathetic Rishard Matthews and Brian Leonard. The
Nots enter this matchup coming off of four straight losses and
are in a prime position to have their coffin nailed.
Look for the Titties to pull this one out and further
complicate the London Ladies division standings. I’m taking
the under (227.9) and the Titties to cover the spread (-34.7) in
a massacre over Believe It or Not (whom I obviously don’t
believe in).
3. The Brown Brothers (6-5)
Praise Breesus! This team is looking
hotter than ever going into the final two
weeks of the regular season. Rashad
Jennings looks like the real deal filling in
for the injured Darren McFadden in
Oakland. Supported by a stud receiving
corps including Victor Cruz, V Jax, and
Josh Gordon, look for this team to make
some noise in the playoffs.
Next week: Da Bears (6-5)
POWER RANKINGS
4. Tebow’s Titties (5-6)
Despite their losing record, this is one of
the hottest teams in the league. The Bears
have a great schedule the rest of the way,
which should help this team out, whether
they start Cutler or his sexy replacement
Josh McCown. Owning 81 doesn’t hurt
either. I’ll be rooting for this team to mix
it up in the playoffs.
1. Broken Collar Bone (7-4)
The Collar Bones are the hottest team in
the league right now, posting almost 400
points in their last three weeks. Russell
Wilson and Ryan Tannehill have emerged
as the best QB duo in the nation. And,
obviously, James Timothy Graham is a
beast, just ask the upright in Atlanta he
posterized last night.
Next week: Believe It or Not (6-5)
Next matchup: Cam You Dig It (5-6)
5. Da Bears (6-5)
This team is proof that Tom Brady can
make any fantasy owner a winner. He’s
supported by a very solid RB combo of
All-Day-Hopefully-He’s-OK Peterson and
Knowshizzle tha Rizzle. A tough matchup
this week will show if this team is a real
title competitor or just a group of your
average Jared Davis choke artists.
2. Lacy’s Out (8-3)
The Harold-led squad has the best record
in the nation despite being saddled with
the ineffective Ray Rice (I won that trade).
Eddie Lacy and Bobby Rainey are two of
the hottest young backs in the league and
should rank in the top 15 from here on
out. Look for them to dominate the
struggling Tate Crimes this week.
Next week: The Brown Brothers (6-5)
Next week: Tate Crimes (5-6)
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4. 6. Siem Reap Show Stoppers (7-4)
9. Tate Crimes
Champion Campion is showing a solid
squad, top to bottom. The Show Stoppers
are facing a tough matchup this week
against the fiery Percy Whippers. Look
for Frank Gore and Matt Forte to step it up
on this team’s road to the playoffs.
Let’s face the facts: this team’s receivers
are old and shitty. There is not nearly
enough depth on this squad. Owner
Mitch Smith is away at Dal partying with
dimes and cuddling with Clarice; much
too busy to put in the time needed to
battle in this- the most competitive of
fantasy leagues. On the bright side, a
little birdie told me he got an A- on his
history exam, which I’ll take credit for
since I taught him everything he knows
about bullshitting in essay form. Look for
the Lacy’s to dismantle them this
weekend.
Next week: Percy Whipped (6-5)
7. Percy Whipped (6-5)
There is no doubt I’ll be hearing about
how this team got hosed in these rankings
from their fiery owner Connor “Oil”
Fuller this weekend. However, this team
has some issues that can’t be ignored.
Matt Stafford is a mere byproduct of 81
being a beast. Wes Welker is one
concussion away from a slew of
degenerative brain issues. And, finally,
Alfred Morris is a prime candidate to
break his leg, after being acquired by
Flair in the Steveston FFL. Look for this
team to choke come playoff time.
Next week: Lacy’s Out (8-3)
10. Cam You Dig It (5-6)
After Cam Newton and Zac Stacy, there
isn’t much to look at on this squad. Even
if Reggie Bush and Big Ben can keep up
their production, this team must still rely
on an atrocious receiving corps. If this
squad somehow sneaks in to the playoffs,
this expert has them departing in round
one.
Next week: Siem Reap Show Stoppers (74)
Next week: Broken Collar Bone (7-4)
8. Danny’s Screamers (6-5)
Pey-Pey is good at football things. On the
other side of the ball though, this team is
aging badly and will probably break
down before season’s end. Case Keenum
gets to play the Jags twice but it won’t be
enough to turn this squad into title
contenders.
11. Team forch (3-8)
It looks like it will be too little too late for
this squad with only two weeks remaining
in the regular season. On the bright side,
they can hold on to Nick Foles for free
next year. Look for Jordy to have another
savant-like performance at next year’s
draft.
Next week: Flaming Gingers (2-9)
Next week: Gavinderjeep Daliwal (5-6)
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5. DAVE’S TOP TEN
12. Gavinderjeep Daliwal (5-6)
Bad Sign #1: This team is currently stating
EJ Manuel and Bengals D/ST, both are on
byes. Bad Sign #2: Their bench looks like
a hospital. Bad Sign #3: They are starting
Stephen Hill, Nate Washington and
Rueben Randle at receiver this week.
Things couldn’t be worse for the Daliwals,
which is why they are ranked at 12,
despite being 5-6.
Next week: Team Forch (3-8)
9. Believe It or Not (6-5)
If God exists, this team won’t make it to
the playoffs. Despite posting the least
points for in the entire league, this squad
finds itself tied atop the McRoberts
division with 6 wins. Although, after 4
straight losses, it is beginning to show
that this team has some Tyrer in them.
The owner is threatening to quit the
league because he can’t wrap his head
around this “whole auction draft thing”.
Good. We don’t want you. Make like ya
boy Reggie Wayne and limp the hell out
of here.
Next week: Tebows Titties (5-6)
This week's Top Ten is probably the most anticipated to date. What do you
get when you mix a dollop of love, a teaspoon of friendship and just a sprinkling of
homoeroticism? The answer: Bromance.
Though it seems like a relatively modern concept, the art of bromance has
been around since the beginning of human civilization. Ancient Rome is known as
the greatest empire of all-time, inspiring the world with some of the first dope art,
music and literature. It also featured the greatest bro-date ever: Gladiator
Showdowns. What better way to spend time with your significant brother than
drinking a pint of vino and watching worthless humans, battling it out to show who
has what it takes to continue living their miserable existence.
In Medieval times, Knights would journey for months and take turns
jousting each other, drinking burr and raping village maidens: straight bro-ing
out. Like a tour of rock stars, they blazed a trail, leaving nothing but terror and
distraught in their wake, and bonding over how prestigious they were.
Nowadays, the art of bromance isn’t quite as epic. Texting and tweeting
have brought bros closer together, but, at the same time, clingy girlfriends and
concerned parents have been determined to break up couples that seem a little
too close.
We can’t let them stand in our way! We shall overcome, nay, brovercome
the obstacles distancing us from our male partners. Society wants to tell us that it’s
not normal for guys to be Eskimo brothers, or take each other out on movie dates
or welcome each other at parties with a kiss on the cheek. I say screw society!
There’s nothing wrong with a bunch of guys huddled together in a man cave
sporting nothing more than pajamas, watching physical specimens penetrate each
other’s defenses until they thrust their balls into the back of the end zone.
Grab a beer, a foot long sausage and the only person who means more
than you than your main bitch and wait for your name to be called in Dave’s Top
Ten Bromances…
10. Flaming Gingers (2-9)
Not much to say here. The owner is
dejected, the fans are up in arms and this
team can’t seem to get a break. At least
they have Luck for next year.
Next week: Danny’s Screamers (6-5)
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6. DAVE’S TOP TEN:
BROMANCES
10. Dave and Zorast
9. Freddy and Jon
One is a slightly-hipster douchebag who judges everyone on
their taste in music, TV, and movies. The other is a slightly
nicer, funnier, whiter version of that, named Zorast. These two
first became bros at a movie outing planned by a mutual
friend Connor “Oil” Fuller. It was love at first sight. After high
school, Dave tracked his prey, texting “Zo” relentlessly until
he preferred Diesel over regular Oil (clever, right?). From
then on, the two have been inseparable, despite the fact that
Zorast is a grown up with a real job and Dave is still stuck in
school pursuing a useless history degree. They spend most of
the time working parties: Dave over at the DJ booth and Zorast
in the middle of the action, charming ladies with his mustache.
Look for the two of them snuggling up on a couch watching a
movie you’ve never heard of or holding hands at a King Krule
concert. We’re better than you.
It is no surprise that these two graduated from London as “best
mates”. They both love baseball, they both have gone
through country phases and, most importantly, they can both
dominate a twelve pack of Cariboo. Keep your eye out for
these two spending time together, holding hands and clanking
drinks wherever they go. Most of the time, this happens at
Freddy’s apartment as they complain about his roommate.
Sometimes, it takes place the Pint, as they complain about the
music. I hope pray these two find themselves on the kiss cam
at Safeco field and get to show their love on the big screen.
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7. 8. Parker and Dave
7. Bryan and Connor
This is, by far, the most intense and fiery coupling of them all.
Their time together is a wave of passion. In the span of a
single night, they can share an extended hug, a kiss on the
cheek and a subtle butt squeeze. Their connection is evident
to everyone in the room as they serenade each other with
Next’s classic tune, Too Close (which is about a boner if you
weren’t aware). But, as with all passionate relationships,
ecstatic highs are coupled with excruciatingly painful lows.
Parker pushes Dave away to make room on his shoulder for
Eli. Dave yells at Parker for being ashamed of their love.
They both sass each other, believing they’ll get some kind of
gratification out of seeing the other in a state of sorrow. But
they don’t. They just feel empty and alone. And, gradually, as
emotional wounds heal, they find each other sharing the
loveseat again, reminiscing on days gone by, on the journey
to the next phase of their everlasting bromance.
Once upon a time, in Richmond’s own Hugh McRoberts
Secondary, the slightly feminine social butterfly Bryan Tyrer
befriended the acne-riddled nerdy introvert, Connor Fuller.
From there, a seed was planted, a seed that would eventually
blossom into the full-grown flower we see before us. Con and
Bry are inseparable: on the rugby pitch as Strikers and TBirds, on the dance floor as ladies men, on the social pyramid
as top dogs. The two share more than rugby kits and student
cards; they also happen to share the same taste in women.
Without delving any further, I’d like to personally congratulate
them on their hat trick and wish them the best of luck in the
future.
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8. 6. Gavin and Harold
5. Mitch and Pearce
Honestly, I’m pretty new to this particular bromance, but after
spending a few lovely evenings with these gentlemen, I know
the force is strong between them. I imagine their bromance
started in the halls of London High, exchanging notes for math
class and planning their 7-figure futures. This bromance’s
natural setting takes place on Harold’s couch. The two are in
what looks like a heated debate: one explaining his point in a
condescending tone before being interrupted by the other,
whose take is even louder and more wordy. The beauty of it
all, though, is that the argument is not an argument at all, they
agree with each other. While most couples treat debates like
a knife fight, these two simply treat it as a sport, and when it’s
all over, they emerge with a firm grasp on their shared
opinion. I present, Gavin and Harold.
When young Mitchell Smith transferred to Vancouver College,
he was sure of what he was getting into: a testosterone-driven
hellhole, in which teachers act like teenagers and teenagers
act like chimps. It was in this wild, dog-eat-dog jungle that
Mitch found something he never expected: a best bro. The
quiet, understated but devilishly good-looking Pearce was the
yin to Mitch’s yang. They both played hockey, hated school
and smashed dimes. Nowadays, even though they live on
opposite sides of the country, they make their bromance
work. And in the summer, they become reunited again,
picking up just where they left off: sitting on Sam’s couch,
watching an episode of brother, sharing a tin of evergreen.
Stay strong, you two, Christmas is right around the corner.
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9. 4. Josh and Jon
3. Josh and Parker
I’m going to take credit with setting this bromance up. It was
the eve of the anniversary of my date of birth and the
fellowship was enjoying crisp ale at O’Hare’s. Trotty had just
completed a 12-hour shift of 6-tabling; Jonny had just finished
his final presentation for his Communications degree. The two
got to talking. From afar it looked like a normal conversation
about Texas hold ‘em, but it was so much more. When we all
settled our bills and prepared to leave, I was approached by
Warner, who apologized for ignoring me on my day of
celebration, but explained that my friend Josh didn’t know shit
about poker. Josh, on the ride home, had a similar statement
about Warner, something about him being a fish, or perhaps
even a donkey. Somehow, though, the two ended up taking
on the world: from the River Rock to the neon lights of Las
Vegas and the star-filled land of LA. I wish this bromance the
best of fortunes in the future.
There is one man that captures Trotty’s heart more than
Warner, that man is Parker Christian Forch. I’m not sure if this
bromance has a start date, or if they just came out of the womb
playing each other one-on-one. Probably the two most
competitive people I know, Obie and Pz, routinely go to battle
on any field, court or street in season. On the badminton
court, they are Federer and Nadal, but in real life, they are
Stockton and Malone: when they team up, they are dynamite.
On the basketball court, I ordinarily find myself as the Steve
Kerr to their Jordan/Pippen duo, standing in the corner,
watching them go to work. In the boardroom, they are
Zuckerberg and Justin Timberlake guy, on the final stages of
the next version of Trees for Charity. One day they’ll be
grown up, chilling at a BBQ, Parker (Vin Diesel) sipping his
corona in a ridiculous fashion and Josh (Paul Walker)
reminiscing on the good ‘ole days…. I’ll be Ludacris.
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10. 2. Bryan and Ryan
1. Jared and Craig
By far the slimiest of any bromance listed, I don’t even want to
guess how brotherly these two Eskimos are. Their
relationship has stood the test of time, overcoming multiple
obstacles (mostly petty fights over women). I think we’ve
seen the last of the squabbles though, as these two stand
closer than ever. Whether it’s on the rugby pitch or standing
by the circle bar, these two assert their unsportsmanlike
conduct all over our asses. In this relationship, filters are
over-rated and limits are simply challenges. I guess it’s true,
all snakes slither together. But honestly, they both bring
immense joy and excitement to my life and I hope their
bromance continues forever.
Was there any doubt about who would take the top spot? Not
in my mind. These two fellas were made for each other.
Founding members of the boyfriend club, both men are
obviously keepers, as shown by their long-lasting
relationship. Yes, that’s relationship, singular. Sure, they
don’t get wild as much as they used to, but there’s nothing
wrong with that. Their relationship has matured to quiet
nights of South Park and pizza. Craig making funnies and
Jared doing god knows what in the corner on his laptop. Like
an old married couple, they carpool to hockey, go on double
dates and finish each other’s sentences. By far the cutest, and
by my calculations, the strongest, I present: Jared and Craig.
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