A short lesson in interpersonal
Who we are in relation to others
What drives us
How we respond to stress and conflict
Women’s Work, April 21 Spring Presentation
Part 1: Competing Values
There are key components to how we work, alone or with
Where we sit on the continuum of flexibility to rigidity.
Our level of internal focus versus external focus.
Our view of short-term and long-term considerations.
The team player
You make other people feel valued
You are good at long-term relationships and goals
You embrace and share your core values
You are seen as friendly and kind
You make a point of including everyone in any gathering
You are slow to action
You have a hard time setting and keeping goals
for yourself and others
You avoid confrontation and unpleasant issues
You don’t express your opinion openly so you
can be labeled as a “follower”
What is most important to you:
Open communication, loyalty, friendship
Your motto: We’re in this together
You are the Blue Sky visionary
You are flexible, nimble, creative
You love new and different things
You don’t like too much order—controlled chaos
You tend to overshoot the objective
You can take something simple and make it into
something much bigger
You tend to micromanage projects and people
because you want it done your way
What is most important to you:
Creative expression, the challenge of the new,
breaking out of routine
Your motto: It’s never been done before
You are decisive
You work hard and are dedicated to the task at hand
You can juggle a million projects at once
You are very high energy
You tend to be controlling
You will do it yourself if you can’t get others to see it
You are in it 100% until you burn out, then you are
What is most important to you:
Success, achieving personal and professional goals,
accolades and acknowledgement of your
contributions and skills
Your motto: If you want something done right . . .
You are efficient and consistent
You can set every step to a long-term goal and
You can analyze the pros and cons of anything
You are the most organized person you know
You are risk adverse
You can be inflexible
You tend to be distrustful of others
You struggle with some social interactions
What is most important to you:
Dependability and reliability, honesty and
Your motto: I can prove it
Things to remember
We aren’t always operating from the same quadrant
“Queen” at home and “Adventurer” with our job
There are strengths and weaknesses to each role
The trick is to recognize the weaknesses and adapt.
Why it is called “Competing Values”
The quadrant opposite yours is the personality type that
aggravates you the most
It operates in direct contrast to what you find rewarding and
The other two quadrants complement your style—so
conflict is less likely
A strong team has all four quadrants.
So, who are you?
Look at the quadrant descriptions for the qualities that seem to fit you.
Then see if you have issues with the qualities directly across from your quadrant—think of
someone who fits the bill; do they aggravate you?
If the description seems fairly accurate and the opposite quadrant bugs you, then that is probably where you
Now we are going to break into groups—with at least one person representing each quadrant.
Some discussion points for your group
Do your personal and professional personas differ?
Are there qualities from the other quadrants you wish you had?
What do you recognize as your biggest strength and biggest weakness?
Are there any historical reasons why you are in the quadrant you are in? What life lessons put
you there or were you born into that personality type?
Part 2: How you fight
Now that we understand how we interact, the next step is to
look at how we handle situations where we are in conflict
The key components
Stress response system
Stress Response System
You have a stress response system
Know your personal reaction
Escalation—response is heightened, anxiety is overt and expressed
Repression—response is controlled and reaction is focused immediately
on possible resolution
And the response you need from others:
There are only three common combinations: almost no
one reacts calmly themselves but wants escalation out
of their partner or co-worker.
You need to know who you are and what you look for
to feel “heard.” And you need to know your partner
and what reaction he needs to see to feel “heard.”
5 types of conflict
Data conflicts Structural conflicts
I do more of the chores at home You say you will do the chores but they never get done
destructive patterns of behavior or interaction
lack of information or misinformation
unequal control or distribution of labor or resources
different views on what is relevant
unequal power or authority
different interpretations of the facts
geographic, physical, or environmental factors that
different assessment procedures
resolutions: hinder cooperation
reach agreement on what facts are important
develop common criteria to assess the facts
clearly define and change roles
use third-party experts to gain outside opinion or break
deadlocks replace destructive behavior patterns
establish a fair and mutually acceptable decision-making
Interest conflicts process
change negotiation process from positional to interest-
Chores aren’t important to you
causes: based bargaining
perceived or actual competition
You lied about doing something
different criteria for evaluating ideas or behavior
intrinsically different foundational beliefs
look for objective criteria
different ways of life, ideology, and religion
develop integrative solutions that address needs of all
avoid defining problems in terms of value
search for ways to expand options or resources
allow parties to agree to disagree
develop trade-offs to satisfy interests
search for overriding goal that all parties share
I don’t trust you to do the chores
misperceptions or stereotypes
poor communication or miscommunication
repetitive negative behavior
control expression of emotions through
Focus on interests (why you want something)
versus demands (what you want)
promote expression of emotions by legitimizing
feelings and providing a non-combative process
to express feelings
clarify perceptions and build positive
improve quality and quantity of communication
The Turtle ( WITHDRAWING )
Turtles withdraw into their shells to avoid conflicts. They give up their personal goals and relationships. They stay away
from the issues over which the conflict is taking place and from the persons they are in conflict with. Turtles believe it is
hopeless to try and resolve conflicts. They feel helpless. They believe it is easier to withdraw (physically and
psychologically) from a conflict than to face it.
The Shark ( FORCING )
Sharks try to overpower opponents by forcing them to accept their solutions to the conflict. Their goals are highly
important to them and relationships of minor importance. They seek to achieve their goals at all costs. They are not
concerned with the needs of others. They do not care if others like or accept them. Sharks assume that conflicts are
either won or lost and they want to be the winner. This gives them a sense of pride and achievement. Losing gives them
a sense of weakness, inadequacy and failure. They try and win by attacking, overpowering, overwhelming and
The Teddy Bear ( SMOOTHING )
To teddy bears the relationship is of great importance while their own goals are of little importance. Teddies want to be
accepted and liked by other people. They think that conflict should be avoided in favour of harmony and that people
cannot discuss conflicts without damaging relationships. They are afraid that if a conflict continues, someone will get
hurt and that could ruin the relationship. They give up their goals to preserve the relationship. They like to smooth
The Fox ( COMPROMISING )
Foxes are moderately concerned with their own goals and their relationships with others. They give up part of their own
goals and persuade others in a conflict to give up part of theirs. They seek a conflict solution in which both sides gain
something - the middle ground between two extreme positions. They compromise; they will give up a part of their goal
and relationship in order to find agreement for the common good.
The Owl ( CONFRONTING )
Owls highly value their own goals and relationships. They view conflicts as problems to be solved and seek a solution that
achieves both their own and the other person's goals. Owls see conflicts as a means of improving relationships by
reducing tension between two people. They try to begin a discussion that identifies the conflict as a problem to be
solved. By seeking solutions that satisfy everyone, owls maintain the relationship. They are not happy until a solution is
found that both satisfies everyone's goals and resolves the tensions and negative feelings that may have been present.
What strategies were you taught for dealing with conflict? For example, was it
appropriate to have conflict in public? Were women supposed to respond differently
What are your greatest fears about interpersonal conflict?
Who is someone with whom you have recently found yourself in conflict? What do you
think is the key source of your conflict with this person?
stress response system
Would you do anything differently based on something you heard this evening?
Were you surprised at your results for the conflict style?
A particular slide catching your eye?
Clipping is a handy way to collect important slides you want to go back to later.