This document is a senior project submitted by Matthew Lazarus about his translation of Molière's play "Le Tartuffe" into contemporary American English. It discusses his translation process, including his initial approach of incorporating regional slang and expressions, which he later refined to focus more on character voices and drama. It also covers the influences on his translation like online linguistic resources and his goal to make the play entertaining for modern audiences. The document provides context for Lazarus's translation through analyzing aspects like character development and the evolution of Cléante's rhyming speeches.

1. Le Tartuffe: A New Translation
Senior Project Submitted to
The Division of Language and Literature
of Bard College
by
Matthew Lazarus
Annandale-on-Hudson, New York
May 2014

2. 1
Introduction
Recently, at Bard College’s inaugural Translation Symposium, Professor Wyatt
Mason, speaking about his experience translating Montaigne’s Essais, contributed two
points that immediately resonated with me regarding my own French translation
undertaking. The first was more an observation: that as a result of the Internet’s
gargantuan cache of literary databases - not merely limited to traditional thesauri but
expanded to include anthologies of regional expressions, slang, and the like, Professor
Mason reasoned that generations of translators beginning today would effectively
‘blow the translations of the past out of the water.’ I could not have been more in
agreement with this remark, as in my seat I promptly reminisced on what a glorious
day it was when I first discovered the Oxford English Dictionary’s searchable
Historical Thesaurus online. Instantly I had access to a scannable record of words
dating back to early Old English, and in my search I was provided with every possible
nuance of meaning a word had ever possessed. The plethora of choice became almost
a burden, and my Flaubertian imperative to land on le mot juste ballooned to almost
intractable proportions. I cannot stress what an invaluable resource the Internet has
been during the course of my project. From striving towards the zenith of pedantry in
translating Tartuffe’s voice, to my search for the most abstruse and arcane words for
the speeches of Cléante, the OED’s Historical Thesaurus has proven extraordinarily
fruitful. And, because I was attempting to step into the voices of characters whose
bearings extended beyond my innate phraseology, I also owe a great deal to the online

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catalogs of regional expressions and slang, which I mined prolifically in hopes of
ensnaring that elusive ‘right tone.’ I can say with confidence now that early in the
translation process, for perhaps the first two-fifths of the play, I was seeking more to
entertain myself with the challenge of including as many uproarious or scathingly
contemporary expressions as were contextually possible. To this day, I have yet to
discover a passage that might accommodate such stomach-churning gems as ‘slicker
than two eels fuckin’ in a bucket of snot,’ ‘on you like a wet fart on satin sheets,’ or the
delightfully pithy and rhythmic ‘back at it like crack addicts.’ I became engrossed in
what was, generally speaking, more of a language exercise than an assignment
intended for performance.
During these initial weeks translating, I was given to opening an assemblage of
bookmarks for the purpose of pinning down the most eclectic yet pertinent Southern
and/or (regrettably classified as) Urban (or “hood”) expressions. These pioneering
websites included such indices as ‘Legends of America: Western Slang & Phrases,’
‘New York City Slang: REAL URBAN DICTIONARY – NOT THAT TRASH
ONLINE,’ ‘The Vulgar Comparative Metaphor FAQ,’ ‘Ghetto Glossary,’ ‘The Online
Slang Dictionary,’ and approximately a half-dozen crowd-sourced compilations of
Southern colloquialisms and expressions (“My redneck father always used to say...”)
with varying levels of utility. I interpret it as an indication that my methodology has
refined itself over time that, by the end of the fifth act, I had whittled down my
syndicate of viable tabs to the following: (1) the OED’s historical thesaurus, (2)

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Wordreference.com, a dependable French-English dictionary, (3) Merriam-Webster’s
online thesaurus, (4) a 2000 translation of Tartuffe so bland, so gummy, so
painstakingly literal that I would only reference it to get a broad, meat-and-potatoes
sense of a line’s meaning, (5) Rhymezone.com, a rhyming dictionary that has proved
helpful in manufacturing Cléante’s couplets, and finally, (6) the one and only
Urbandictionary.com, a marvelous inventory of flim-flammery and filth which I found
myself dipping into more frequently early on in my journey, and I retain for reasons
that mostly amount to nostalgia – a certain nostalgia for a time when I would paw for
twenty-five minutes through the incomprehensible, often disturbingly specific user-
submitted and profanity-laden potage before settling on the word “dinglefuzz.”
The biggest reason for my conscientious pruning of idiomatic resources was a
philosophical one, in which I was forced to reassess the quality of work I intended to
produce. As entertaining as it was for me to cherry-pick and reappropriate nuggets of
knee-slapping vernacular (and certainly there was a great deal more intermittent
giggling on my part while translating the first half of the play), I came to realize with
help from my adviser(s) that my sportive cannonballing into a McDonald’s ball pit of
silly jargon was costing me the immediacy of the play’s drama - the palpable hue of
panic on which the narrative’s endearing seesaw of follicle-wrenching absurdity and
unpityingly prescient social commentary firmly relies. As a result, I sharpened my
resolve and began to view each scene as if it were a helium-filled balloon; I ought to
avoid inhaling a breath for the fleeting merriment of a high-pitched chipmunk voice

5. 4
and instead strive to keep the energy of the moment taut, elevated, and boasting a
optimal PSI reading.
The second of Professor Mason’s comments that I found applicable to my
experience concerned his approach to French translation. He referred to the
advantage of his status as a non-native French speaker, such that it has allowed him to
sidestep the agonizing process of pondering what from the original text may be “lost”
in a translation into English, and instead allocating him the room to focus simply on
what he termed “the gains.” I have since heralded this as an especially lucid and
galvanizing remark, which I believe parallels my approach. While technically French
is my maternal tongue, I was raised in the United States and my command of English
easily outclasses my proficiency in French. As a result, while I continue to hail the
richness and fluidity of Molière’s verses, holding his reputation in the highest regard,
it would seem that my binational genetic plan has fortuitously spared me the feeling of
treading on the unabashedly sacred – a presentiment which the plays of Molière might
evoke in a homegrown French speaker.
Along with my lifelong penchant for the intrinsic, ineffable charms of
expressions and slang, both in French and in English, this cocktail of reverent
irreverence for language has been in my mind the catalyst for my commitment to this
project. But what exactly do I wish to achieve? Of course every translator hopes that
his/her translation will ‘ring true’ by rendering the emotional poignancy and the
crackling, vibrant thread of the original text into a new format that both preserves

6. 5
meaning and, with hope, does not strike the listener’s ear as altogether discourteous.
Along with this arguably unwinnable goal, towards whose execution no number of
revisions is sufficient, I made it my mission to repackage Classical French theater for a
member of my hedonistic, trend-obsessed, multicultural, satire-mongering,
establishment-scorning generation. This goal did not consist of enlightening them to
the networks of hypocrisy that govern us all; they are far too shrewd for that, and if
they hate anything, it is a thinly veiled lecture. What may have been a groundbreaking
revelation for audiences in 1664 is at best hackneyed punditry today. My impulse
could therefore not be a didactic one, but rather one that seeks to delight and divert.
If I were able to sift through the skepticism surrounding seventeenth-century French
theater, to deconstruct the knee-jerk assumption of an individual my age that ‘while it
might be a funny play, it’s not something I’m going to laugh at’ – if I could somehow
repurpose Molière’s playfulness, his marvelous sense of pacing, and his astonishingly
progressive flair for irony and cultural subversion through comedy into a piece of
writing that has the potential to genuinely entertain my fellow walking drums of
cynicism and latent malaise, then I will have met my objective.
I had my certified introduction to Molière at 16 when, as part of a university’s
summer program, I enrolled in an acting workshop focusing on comedy. As an
attentive, oft-wisecracking adolescent devotee of Seinfeld, The Office, Mitch Hedberg
and Eddie Murphy, I was eager to cull from the genius of the so-called father of
Western comedy. In our studies of several Molière one-act plays, among which I recall

7. 6
Le Médecin volant with particular fondness, and disregarding the perpetually
mishandled pronunciations of Gorgibus, Sganarelle, Villebrequin and (especially)
Gros-René, I came away having thoroughly embraced my teacher’s unabating
catchphrase, which is no doubt a fundamental precept of the theater – that being the
concept of stakes, and in particular, life or death stakes. He purported that no matter
how inane a scenario may be, acting with life or death stakes will rescue the scene
from the purgatory of audience indifference, and essentially intimidate spectators into
laughing. Feigned conviction spells ruination on stage. Stephen Colbert has
exemplified this principle, proving that even the most brazen right-wing casuistry is all
the more funny when he seems as though he actually believes it. The exorbitance of
my script dictates that a staged performance would constitute a considerable challenge
to the actors – one that stipulated the highest stakes. One shortcoming of my
translation might be its vacillation between its standing as a performance text and as a
text that may simply be read and enjoyed. Many great pieces of theater are virtually
intolerable when read as printed work. I dared myself to compose a text worthy of
both interpretations.
This project is a confluence of appetites. Blessed with a small high school class
and a reluctant confederation of lads, I capitalized on the dearth of competition and
secured several lead roles during my teenage years. While I would usually object to
assigning gender to an art form, the expression “Lady Theater” exists for a very good
reason; I learned quickly: when it is good, it is next to empyrean, but a long rehearsal

8. 7
for a mediocre production is a sadistic category all its own. The delight in contributing
to a live, staged performance is akin to an all-consuming endorphin jamboree from
whose zenith life itself is exposed as substandard. My effort to summon a range of
contemporary dialects has cued me to acknowledge and subsequently chase that
exhilarating moment at which writing and acting converge. No actor worth his salt is
capable of sidling up to the theater fifteen minutes before curtain and effectively
incarnating a character; the warming-up process is vital. To wit, the concept of
improvisation within the framework of an invented persona was an essential part of
my writing process. The third motivating factor for my project, alongside my
exuberant idealization of theater and my longstanding regard for the written word, is
my cultural allegiance to France, its literary canon, and my wish to both pay tribute to
and promote a basic recognition of Jean-Baptiste Poquelin, everyone’s favorite courtly
rebel, and in my eyes the headliner of France’s “Big Three” of classical theater. Along
with many Americans when faced with the work of Shakespeare, I am sure I share the
curious feeling of veneration and alienation intermingled, due perhaps to the abrupt
realization that the United States might not be the pillar of English language it was
thought it to be. In working with Molière, who is, and understandably so, no doubt
underappreciated in English, I believed I could leverage my cultural affiliation and
honor the unfiltered qualities in myself that merited the most expansion.
The impact of rhyming couplets on an audience is at once hypnotizing and
normalizing. In the case of both Molière’s text and Richard Wilbur’s seminal

9. 8
translation, I noticed that the economy of rhyme seemed to flatten, even to omit the
depth and nuance of individual character; one can only infer the essence of a
character’s nature by assessing his or her actions in the play, as opposed to through
the expressivity of his or her speech patterns. The rollicking, transparent plot of
Tartuffe, for all its innate moralizing, nevertheless has retained its hipness, its edge,
and its poignancy in contemporary society. But considering that the play is a family
drama, in which the audience knows little about the characters outside of their staged
interactions , I sensed that in order for American audiences today to tolerate such a
barefaced critique of religious hypocrisy, the characters would necessarily have to
reflect their individualism, as well as the flavor of contemporary culture. This seemed
impossible to achieve while trapped in a regimented prism of verse.
A Midwestern locale, Kansas City struck me as a particularly pliant backdrop
for accommodating voices that would contrast with one another – an element so
critical for the development of dynamic character relationships. Noting the popularity
of certain television series set in the deep south (True Blood, True Detective, among
others), I postulated that there exists a quality of Southern speech that is inherently
relatable to Americans – a certain auto-identification with Southern dogma – a
cultural common denominator, wherein a program set in the South is more likely to
amass a wider following than one in a more niche milieu, such as Manhattan or
Malibu. There is a whiff of appeasement in this phenomenon. And yet, in order to
pinpoint a character’s idiolect, while also attempting to borrow from quasi-

10. 9
irreconcilable verbiage, I needed to resist availing myself of my own verbal and
syntactical tendencies. This was not the most straightforward task, considering that I
was translating a work in which each character’s distinctive quirk happens to be an
ability to speak in rhyme.
Although my father hails from West Virginia, the capacity to cloister that
elusive Southern inflection and vernacular was by no means natural for me; this can
be restated more vigorously in the case of Dorine and Damis, whose inner-city savvy
and flagrant, decontextualized machismo, respectively, were self-conscious riffs on a
linguistic bracket I have long marveled at and admired from afar. The decision to
translate Molière into voices that were so plainly at odds with my own afforded me
first the merry exercise of assimilating flamboyant and exotic idiomatic speech to a
17th-century text, and secondly, it granted me an unfettered avenue towards the
pursuit of theatricality in language. Not unlike the patina of incredulity that permeates
the play, as the audience struggles to fathom how anyone could become so damnably
duped by such an impostor, the decision to incorporate extreme pockets of dialect
allowed me to commit to the notion that the play’s action was taking place in a sort of
alternate universe, where Dorine’s hood-rat audacity could rejoin Mariane’s prudent
ditz, and Madame Pernelle’s hayseed tirades could coexist with Cléante’s inexplicable
magniloquence – naturally, all for the sake of entertainment.
I would be remiss not to comment on the evolution of Cléante’s voice. Elmire’s
brother is an erudite lamb, a textbook pushover whose noble efforts to right his

11. 10
family’s floundering ethical ship effect reactions that range from passive endorsement
to blatant stonewalling. At the onset of my translation, I envisioned Cléante’s tone as
not simply a platform for me to pilfer antiquated language from the OED’s stockpile
of synonyms, but as another instance of droll contrast to the speech patterns of other
characters, notably Orgon. My inclination to render the majority of his speeches in the
latter acts of the play into faux-alexandrine rhyming couplets coincided with my
realization that in a play with such a condensed timeline, breadth of character is
expressed through engagement with conflict. While the mood at the household is
tense throughout the play, the appreciable shift in urgency of Cléante’s advocacy
speeches between Act 1 and Act 4 confirm that the ante has been collectively upped. I
grew to use rhyme as a rhetorical weapon, not simply as a tactic for entertaining an
audience, or as a stylistic tribute to the schema of the original text, but as a means of
echoing the dramatic crescendo of the plot, as well as a formal corroboration that
Cléante’s sound reasoning is capable of outdueling Tartuffe’s sophistry.
Thanks to the historical ubiquity of familial squabbling, the enduring influence
of hypocrisy on society, and the amenable circumscription of his plot, I found that the
vast majority of Molière’s narrative ingredients were still connectable after three
hundred and fifty years. There were, however, a handful of exceptions, beginning with
arguably the play’s most pivotal and electric character, Dorine, and the question of
how to conceive of her status as a servant. Envisioning Dorine’s voice was concurrent
with my decision to set the play in Kansas City; I was eager to exploit the comedic

12. 11
potential between a starchy, clueless Midwestern patriarch and his brassy, straight-
shooting, Brooklyn-born live-in help. Given her role as the play’s most pragmatic
moral compass, I wanted to harness the impact of her consummate emotional
intelligence by supplying her with a contentious colloquial edge and thereby forcing
the audience to recognize that regardless of her so-called profanity, the rationale
behind her speech would be seen as no less valid. In both Molière’s text and my
translation, Dorine is guilty of copious counts of impertinence that, for an employee
in her position, under typical circumstances, one presumes would warrant the ax. The
play demands a wry suspension of disbelief from an audience that sees Dorine
brazenly and unflinchingly issue her cheek.
With household conventions of politesse having presumably slackened since
the 17th century, the profanity decorating Dorine’s speech serves to compensate for
those shifting mores. And despite the trend towards informality one might anticipate
belonging to exchanges between a resident housemaid and the adults with whom she
dwells, my choice of profanity aims to underscore the sagacious effrontery of the
original Dorine. I am of course aware that festooning dialogue with foul language for
the sake of securing the ever sought-after pep and zest becoming our hip, modern age
is a ploy that is fairly commonplace among writers of all kinds. In turn, monitoring
Dorine’s use of vulgar language (as opposed to that of Damis, a committed poseur,
whose outbursts are less essential to the unfolding of the plot and more of an
accessory to the play’s comedic bent) was one of the most challenging aspects of my

13. 12
writing process. Though I stand by the premise that theater is successful when it
shocks and makes uncomfortable its audience, needless profanity is something else
entirely. I struggled to craft Dorine’s voice as one that would be both entertaining as
well as sufficiently nuanced and consistent with a rounded character.
I did not encounter another glaring trans-centenary inconsistency until the
play’s final scene, in which an emissary of the Prince arrives to arrest Tartuffe and
extol His Majesty’s beneficence. Even in French, the dénouement as it is read today
conjures up but a trace of the subtext present at the time of the play’s publication,
when Molière was compelled to swiftly dissolve the conflict – both within the
production and surrounding it – in the form of a quasi-conciliatory political button
intended to nullify, or, at least, to downplay the affront to the Church by appealing to
the monarchy’s magnanimity as the nation’s one true saving grace. In framing the
officer’s speech, I was afforded some creative license. I chose to redirect the lavish
praise meant for the sovereign Prince to an unnamed judge based on my logical
inference that such a case would likely come before a civil court. Additionally, by
repurposing the Prince’s panegyric for the nameless judge, I endeavor to accentuate
the risibility of lionizing one particular individual – for a Prince is only an individual –
expressly for having doled out a serving of justice that so patently demanded doling.
For all the mopish, grey afternoons spent swilling green tea, loathing my
impulse to check my cellphone, and pining for an operating pace that might someday
eclipse three lines per hour, the process of translating Molière’s Tartuffe has been the

14. 13
most fortifying and vitalizing literary enterprise I have ever undertaken. It has given
me cause to reflect on, among other cerebral trimmings, the notion of choice, which,
in the mind of a writer, has the potential both to strangulate and to emancipate.
Choice is unquestionably the essence of translation: the writer, if we are to uphold the
inviolability of the artist’s vision, makes one choice which could not possibly be
another way; the translator studies one line and is immediately flooded with filaments
of choice fanning out into obscurity. My exhaustive study of the original text has only
amplified my veneration for the artist’s creative invention. This project has been an
excavation of language and self. I have felt emboldened by the mollifying maelstrom of
human expression. I am proud that it may serve as a sort of time capsule, dignifying
certain idiomatic proclivities of our time, as well as a personal milestone of intonation
and syntax. I refuse to wax lyrical about Tartuffe’s relevance to contemporary society,
for Tartufferie in our world is rife. Much has been made of Molière the moralist, but
his genius lies in his imperative to entertain first and (explicitly) moralize never.
Intelligent comedy can whet one’s moral yolk more succinctly than the most fervid
political speeches. In my humble quest to entertain, I pray I have honored his legacy.

15. 14
Characters
MADAME PERNELLE Orgon’s mother
ORGON The patriarch
ELMIRE Orgon’s wife
DAMIS Orgon’s son
MARIANE Orgon’s daughter
VALÈRE Mariane’s lovekin
CLÉANTE Elmire’s brother
TARTUFFE A charlatan
LAURENT Tartuffe’s minion
DORINE The domestic
MR. LOYAL A bailiff
FLIPOTE Mme Pernelle’s aide
An OFFICER
The scene is an affluent home in a gated community in a suburb of
Kansas City, MO.

16. 15
LE TARTUFFE: A NEW TRANSLATION
ACT I
Scene 1 – MADAME PERNELLE and FLIPOTE, her aide, ELMIRE,
MARIANE, DORINE, DAMIS, CLÉANTE
MADAME PERNELLE
Move! Flippy, when I say move, I mean move, now, shake a
leg! Thaaat’s it, rápido, rápido – we got to get the heck
up outta here.
ELMIRE
Throwin’ on the boosters, momma – give us a second to catch
up at least! (ELMIRE reaches out to grab MADAME PERNELLE’s
hand.)
MADAME PERNELLE
Don’t need no escort, honey – no, you just stay right back
there. Long goodbye’s about the last thing I need.
ELMIRE
And here I was thinking we had a nice day planned, just for
you - then all of a sudden you rush off without an excuse?
I’m heartbroken, just heartbroken!
MADAME PERNELLE
(Oblivious to the faint sarcasm:) I don’t give a hoot in a
hot place how you feel about it! I’ve had it up to my ears
with this house. Flippy’ll tell you, I just about lose my
mind coming here. By the time I leave I’m hotter than a
three-dollar pistol in the month of July! Ain’t nobody in
this rat hole got a lick ‘o horse sense in ‘em – nothin’
but happy-go-lucky, prancin’ along like a peacock, letting
any old thought run through their lemon – feels like
Bourbon Street in the summertime - ‘n every time I try ‘n
teach ‘em some good-honest principles, I get wrangled by a
team of lawyers! No, no thank you - don’t need that in my
life - I’d sooner leave.

17. 16
DORINE
Well if you-
MADAME PERNELLE
And here’s the perfect example! You better learn to reel it
in and keep it in, missy - you run that mouth o’ yours like
there’s no tomorrow, you’re stubborn as a Mississippi mule,
and you got no place meddlin’ in people’s business. One of
these days it’s gonna come back and bite ya! Don’t gimme
that smile, this ain’t a joke! You’ll be out on your own
lookin’ for a new job if you don’t watch it.
DAMIS
Hol’ up-
MADAME PERNELLE
No, you listen to me, young feller - you’re my grandson,
which means I ain’t cuttin’ you no slack. There ain’t much
going on in that noodle of yours, it’s plainer’n a brown
paper bag, so you might as well straighten up and start
actin’ right! I mean look at ‘cha! (She smacks his fitted
hat off his head.) Don’t know what kind ‘o gol’darn
hippity-hop mumbo-jumbo you’ve been watchin’ on the TV but
for the love of Pete, clean it up! Your daddy thinks you’re
dead weight ‘n I ain’t gon’ be the one to tell him he’s
wrong!
MARIANE
I think-
MADAME PERNELLE
Oh, look who decided to chime in! Baby sister, such a sweet
little girl, never wants to rustle nobody’s feathers. Well
lemme tell you: I ain’t buyin’ it! There’s such a thing as
being too quiet; ain’t nothin’ to trust ‘bout a patch of
still water! You got a way about ‘cha makes me think you’re
purt’near cookin’ up a ruckus.
ELMIRE
Now hang on, momma-

18. 17
MADAME PERNELLE
Not until I’m good ‘n ready, honey-pie. This is liable to
sting a little bit, but I’m gonna serve it to you straight:
my grandkids deserve a proper role model in life, and from
what I can see you ain’t too cut out for the job! Out there
gussied up like some kinda fairy Lord-knows-what – who you
tryin’ to impress? Besides your husband? Yeah, that’s what
I thought - don’t let the door hit ya where the Good Lord
split ya! I gotta step around thirty shopping bags just to
get to the living room - this ain’t the Las Vegas strip
last I checked! My boy’s first wife was a real pain in my
sit-upon, but she ain’t lookin’ too bad next to you!
CLÉANTE
But surely you will concede that-
MADAME PERNELLE
Here comes her brother! Now for you, I must say, I hold
nothing but respect and admiration in my heart o’ hearts.
But I ain’t in the business of mincin’ words so here comes
the rub: if I was my son, and you were my brother-in-law, I
wouldn’t let you in my house for all the halos in heaven! I
mean, criminy, you get to mashin’ my buttons tryin’ to
parcel out that two-bit fiddle-faddle philosophizin’ to
anybody you can sucker into listenin’! It ain’t right!
DAMIS
Yo das’ fucked doe - how come I ain’t hear you say that
when Tartuffe be in here, ‘n his ass be trippin’ all over
our morals ‘n shit?
MADAME PERNELLE
(Smacking DAMIS on the forehead) Boy, watch your mouth!
That there’s a properly decent man! And ‘bout the only good
thing this family’s got goin’. Boils me right up knowin’
good Mr. Tartuffe’s got a little barm-stick crack-brain
like you tryin’ to tell ‘im where he gets off.
DAMIS

19. 18
Oh you think you mad? What about us? We out here every day
wit’ him hikin’ on us ‘n preachin’ that bullshit like he’s
the fuckin’ Messiah! You don’t own me, bro! Why you think I
can’t even chill in my own crib, why? ‘Cuz I know any
second he gon’ try ‘n stroke me over on some wild shit,
some shit that don’t even matter! Makes no sense, yo, I’m
tellin’ you, straight up: I had it wit’ his bitch ass.
DORINE
Word, honestly though, I can’t even play like I’m’a take
him up on his views, ‘cuz then it’s like I’m fessin’ that
everything I do is fuckin’ blasphemy! He got me paranoid,
tryna dissect every little move we make, like why he so
obsessed with us?
MADAME PERNELLE
Honey, it’s a real shame you can’t even realize he’s got
his eye where it counts! Thanks to this man, y’all got your
first chance at some down-flat true-as-steel salvation! You
oughta be on your knees praisin’ the lord my son ever
introduced you to him.
DAMIS
OK ma, I’m’a be real witchu now – I will never, ever,
receive that dude amicably into my life - an’ that’s it,
it’s done. Presentation over. Why would I lie to myself? I
can’t mess wit’ his attitude, and I don’t need his ass up
in our business, ‘cuz his shit is wack and it don’t mean
nothin’ to me. And don’t be stupid, do not push me on this!
You have been warned; I’m plucked and if he tries to run up
on me again I’m finna bust that chucklehead douche nozzle
skull wide open.
DORINE
OK, without even disagreeing with... most of that - can we
please consider the fact that this clown was looking
straight homeless the day he came in here? I mean how do
you not own shoes, dude? He had, like, a Starbucks card,
that’s it. Messed up, right? Homie needed us way, way more
than we needed him, and now he out here walking around now
like he’s the Gospel according to Alexander the Great or
some shit? I can’t.

20. 19
MADAME PERNELLE
Oh yeah? Well there’s no doubt in my mind it’d be goin’ a
whole lot smoother ‘round here if y’all quit fightin’ with
him and tried listenin’ for a change.
DORINE
He’s a saint in your eyes but I do not play that shit –
he’s a tool, he’s a bum, he’s a damn hypocrite.
MADAME PERNELLE
(Gasps) You got some nerve missy! Learn a litle respect!
DORINE
Pfff! Look at me. Observe, how little I care. And that same
shit goes for his little candy-ass sidekick Laurent – the
two of them get no love from me.
MADAME PERNELLE
What his assistant wants to do ain’t no skin off my nose –
I only look to the man in charge. It’s obvious to me you
folks only resent him ‘cause deep down, you know he’s
right! Any way you wanna slice it, it’s the truth – and
you’re all scared to death to admit it. He ain’t got no
other motive but savin’ your soul from eternal pernicious
hellfire; y’all wouldn’t know a good deed if someone
smacked you upside the head with it.
DORINE
Yeah aight, whatever whatever – but how bout this cute
little habit he’s got now - I’m talking about him gettin’
all Eagle-Eye Cherry, friggen grillin’ like a Cutlass at
every brotha that rolls up to the crib! What, now Jesus an’
the Holy Spirit gon’ be offended at us trying to kick it
with some guests? People gotta blow off steam now and then
- we ain’t gotta justify that to nobody! (Beat) Man, I
gotta spell it out for you? I’m sayin’, he don’t even try
‘n hide it at all - any dude that comes over here, any
dude, he be hoverin’ over my girl actin’ wow jealous, like
it’s honestly sad.
MADAME PERNELLE

21. 20
Darlin’ I suggest that next time you pause and reflect on
yourself before goin’ ‘n makin’ a crooked statement like
that. Lately, he ain’t the only one takin’ issue with the
shindigs happenin’ at this address. What about all the
decent folk that’s livin’ down the street? You think they
appreciate it when you got cars comin’ up late at night,
blarin’ that vulgar party music all willy-nilly – honey,
this ain’t that kind o’ neighborhood! The locals get to
talkin’ and then they hit the warpath. Now I’d hate to be
judgin’ unfairly, and y’all probably got nothin’ to hide,
but would it kill you to act a little more civilized?
CLÉANTE
If I might be so bold as to put forth my belief, madam, a
life without superfluous chatter would be impossibly dull!
And what an encumbrance it is to wish to sufflaminate the
camaraderie of others lest one be targeted by wayward
gossip. Do you sincerely contend to foreclose on free
speech? It would be a practical impossibility for all time!
Why not divest the tittle-tattle of its power over you, and
focus instead on a righteous existence? The muckrakers will
have their day.
DORINE
I know that cross-eyed bitch Daphne down the block with her
little boyfriend been talkin’ shit about us. What ‘chu
gotta realize is, the people who spread rumors do it
because they don’t want that attention on them; see, they
get all excited when they get a hold of something juicy
‘cuz they know they can spin it to make ‘emselves look
better. What’s the best way to get away with shit? Blame it
on somebody else first. I ain’t gon’ worry ‘bout it though
– they gon’ get it sooner or later – nobody be talkin’ that
much trash who’s ain’t guilty of something, you feel me?
MADAME PERNELLE
Honey, those ain’t nothin’ but empty words in my book. I’ll
tell you one thing - your neighbor Orante is a good
Christian woman who wouldn’t harm a fly, but all the
hootin’ and hollerin’ that goes on at this house got her
madder’n a hen in a hailstorm.
DORINE

22. 21
This is a great example, actually - take your girl Orante:
she actin’ proper, she got class, manners, you know,
whatever. But f’real ‘doe, you on one if you think she live
her whole life like that. She ain’t doin’ it ‘cuz she a
good person deep down – she do it cuz she old as hell! It’s
like a reaction - you throw it back to her younger days,
know what I’m sayin’ back when she had a little booty on
her, yeah, you know, and she was playing the fuck outta
those boys! All day, I mean they used to be on her like
glasses on coasters. But then, she see the style gettin’ a
little played out, and you know gravity starts doin’ what
it does – now she don’t get those looks on the street like
she used to and look at that, she all mad at the world! She
gets all stuck up like she wanna punish everybody, all ‘cuz
she ain’t got it like that no more. I’ve seen this shit
happen over and over: bitches can’t compete so they bound
to get salty. It ain’t about morals, ain’t about decency,
nothin’: ‘ts about spite, that’s it! Why they gotta ruin it
for other people just because they past their prime, I’ll
never understand it.
MADAME PERNELLE
You can spin your tales all you want honey-bun, it ain’t
gonna bother me nothin’. I swear it, Elmire, it takes an
act o’ congress to get a word in ‘round these parts,
‘specially when you got this little missy chattermaggin’ to
her heart’s content. But I’m fixin’ to give you what’s on
my mind: first thing’s first, y’all better get it straight
through your thick heads: what my baby’s done, in bringing
Mr. Tartuffe into his home... well, he ain’t never had so
much sense his entire life. Our lord and savior knew in his
infinite wisdom what kinda hell y’all was raisin’ in this
house and he sent Mr. Tartuffe here to teach yeh how to
live right! If y’all care even one piddlin’ bit about your
redemption you better pay real close attention to what Mr.
Tartuffe got to say, or else by and by you’ll be dead as a
doornail and your soul’ll be colder ‘n a witch’s tit in a
brass brazier (DORINE laughs) - and I ain’t sayin’ that to
be funny, I mean it! Quit all this commotion and carryin’
on! I ain’t heard one decent remark since the minute I
stepped foot in this dump, just a whole bunch ‘o bitchin’
and moanin’ and talkin’ nasty about folks in the community.
Well let me be the one to say it: a black snake knows the
way to the hen’s nest; ‘fore long you’ll be reapin’ what
you been sowin’: castin’ aspersions on all’em decent

23. 22
people, runnin’ that mouth every which-way over town... all
that gossip don’t do nobody any good. Just the other day I
was at my doctor and he said to me, he said it’s a regular
Tower of Babylon at that house, and I said doc, you hit the
nail on the head: nothin’ but folks babblin’ left ‘n right,
no tellin’ what they even sayin’ half the time. And then he
says to me - (TO CLÉANTE:) boy, I see you there snickerin’
at me, I don’t appreciate it one bit! Y’all can yuk it up
with the rest of the Mickey Mouse club, see what it does to
me! (To ELMIRE:) Honey, I think it’s best I head on home;
talkin’ like this got me madder ‘n a hornet. And just so
it’s clear, I don’t plan on bein back’ for a good long
while. (Whistles for FLIPOTE.) Flippy! Vamos! Move, you
little tramp, we’re goin’ home. Git! Oh you’re gonna
remember this ass-whoopin, little lady, soon as I’m done
with you...
Scene 2 – CLÉANTE, DORINE
CLÉANTE
I perceive no advantage in prolonging the valediction – for
it would only incite another insufferable exchange. How
that old woman could possibly–
DORINE
Ha! Damn, I kinda wish she heard that - I mean, she
probably ain’t been referred to as a woman in a long-ass
time. She’d think you was hittin’ on her ‘n shit. She might
smack you for sayin’ she old, though.
CLÉANTE
What an ugly display of choler she evinced – and over such
trifles at that - not to mention how enamored she is with
Tartuffe!
DORINE
Hell, you oughta see how her son be lookin’ at him – a lot
worse than her, I’ll tell you that. Dude’s got it real bad.
I used to respect him, y’know back when he used to think on
his own. But ever since Tartuffe started bummin’ off him, I
see him walking around like, straight possessed or
somethin’. He’s showin’ him the type o’ love he don’t even

24. 23
show to his family, pretendin’ like they go way back –
which they don’t - I mean he basically just met the
mothafucka! Shit is out of control, with like, Tartuffe
gettin’ him to confess all this shit to him, takin’ all his
advice and what not - shit I wouldn’t even do to my
boyfriend ya hurd me? I’m talkin’ ‘bout some real like
intimate associations bein’ established with them – it’s
mad weird right? I mean he got him sittin’ at the head the
of table in his own damn house! This fool is stuffin’ his
face hard, I mean he goin’ in on every meal, pickin’ up all
them choice cuts, like no, bitch, you cannot have my pork
chop! It was placed in front of me for a reason. Plus when
you got my man rushin’ over to say “God bless you” to every
little sound he hears - I mean honestly, please, give me a
fuckin’ break. Tartuffe got him hooked, I’m tellin’ you,
the situation is lookin’ grim, dog: Orgon be tryin’ to jack
his style on every little shit he does, like the thirst is
crazy, I’m sorry. Tartuffe could be talkin’ some random-ass
shit he seen on a fortune cookie and Orgon would think he’s
quotin’ him scripture. But Tartuffe, you know, he’s a slick
mothafucka too, he knows he got him in his pocket. He
exploits that shit. Bleedin’ him dry why he tells us how to
live our lives. Even that dipshit Laurent gettin’ in the
game, patronizing piece of shit... I’m tight. Two days ago
he came jacked up like a hoop-dee, tellin’ me I wear too
much makeup?! He kept talkin’ shit about my rings - he even
tried to jack my momma’s scarf, right off my head! Tellin’
me silk is the fabric of the devil... man I’m done.
Scene 3 – ELMIRE, MARIANE, DAMIS, CLÉANTE, DORINE
ELMIRE
Boy, she’s a real peach – had just enough left in the tank
to hit me at the door with one last laundry list of
malfeasances; you guys were very wise to not to come along.
Though I did happen to spot my husband coming down the
road... I’ll wait for him to come find me upstairs.
CLÉANTE
I can spare a brief salus, but I mustn’t be detained here
much longer.
DAMIS

25. 24
Ey yo-yo-yo, my mans, hol’ up - do me this one time ‘fore
you dip – you think you can, y’know, talk to my dad, break
me off a little read on’nat Mariane-wedding situation? You
do that for me? Real talk, I got a gut feelin’ Tartuffe,
his bitch-ass finna break the shit up, and you know he
gonna wanna rope my pops into seein’ it his way. Dawg,
please, I got a lot ridin’ on this shit: we got Valère
tryna beat with my sister and I’m trying to get it poppin’
with his, ya feel me? I can’t be like-
DORINE
Whooop - incoming.
Scene 4 – ORGON, CLÉANTE, DORINE
ORGON
Woo! My brother, what’s shakin’ bacon?
CLÉANTE
What winsome happenstance, to meet with your arrival just
as my bell of quittance was sounding. I presume in the
countryside they still await the change of season.
ORGON
Dorine (To CLÉANTE:) - hang tight there brother, don’t
leave just yet – you wouldn’t mind if I get her to fill me
in real quick on anything I might’a missed while I was
gone? Gotta get that weight off my mind! (To DORINE:) Hit
me with the two-day update Dorine, what’s everybody up to?
How’s the mood around the estate?
DORINE
Well on the night you left your wife was positively burnin’
up with a fever - her head was killin’ her so bad she
couldn’t see out into the hallway.
ORGON
And what about Tartuffe?
DORINE

26. 25
That guy? Oh he’s fine, he’s livin’ that dolce vita let me
tell ya, he’s... he’s got a real glow about him.
ORGON
Bless his poor soul!
DORINE
Seeing Elmire at the dinner table was like staring death
right in the face. She couldn’t eat a thing, not one thing,
could barely lift up her fork, her head was splittin’ so
bad.
ORGON
And what about Tartuffe?
DORINE
Oh, oh he ate - he was gettin’ his big-boy chow on, no
doubt about. Had him some of those lil’ roasted quails he
likes, ‘bout half a wheel of brie cheese, and then he
absolutely crushed a tri-tip steak.
ORGON
Bless his poor soul!
DORINE
Your wife had not slept at all when the sun came up the
next morning. Couldn’t physically close her eyes, like she
was petrified - her whole body was on fire – the sweat was
soaking through to the box spring. We stayed up with her
all night; I was scared!
ORGON
And what about Tartuffe?
DORINE
Well at the end of the meal you could start to see him
gettin’ all squinty and drowsy, looking like De Niro after

27. 26
a pig roast. Then he marched into his room, got all up
in’nem toasty linens, and passed the F out, cold.
ORGON
Bless his poor soul!
DORINE
We begged her and begged her to take something for the pain
until she finally gave up and took a codeine pill. It was
the only way we could get her to sleep.
ORGON
And what about Tartuffe?
DORINE
Oh was damn sure perky as can be come this morning! Slept
like an angel – you could tell. He had so much energy that
he drained a whole bottle of Bordeaux at lunch. I’m
assuming he was toasting to Elmire’s recovery.
ORGON
Bless his poor soul!
DORINE
Yeah... it’s definitely the picture of health around
here... all systems point to ‘go.’ (beat) I’m gonna run
ahead and just let your wife know you’re here... I really
hope I can convey to her the, uh, breadth of your
compassion.
Scene 5 – ORGON, CLÉANTE
CLÉANTE
Come now, brother - do acknowledge that she has just made
sport of you directly to your face. And with no wish to
solicit your ire, I am compelled to submit to you my
conviction that this renegade bearing is altogether
defensible. Have we failed to effectively ventilate this
pestersome vagary? Has one man placed such a strangulating

28. 27
spell over your faculties that it would denude all other
matters of their due surveillance? After such magnanimity,
such a vivacious beau geste, in your resuscitating him,
delivering him from the most abject straits, even
shepherding him into your own home—
ORGON
(Putting up his hand:) Don’t start in like that, brother -
not when you don’t have a clue who you’re talkin’ about.
CLÉANTE
Even your most earnest endorsement could not persuade me to
commune with him further – though, in order that we may
decipher this man’s true nature–
ORGON
Now hang on there, hold on - see, you’re my brother, which
is why I’m gonna tell it to you straight like this – you’re
missing out. Plain and simple – and you don’t even want to
give him a chance? Oh, that’s big time, big time missin’
out. Day or two with us, ‘n I’m tellin’ you, buddy, you’re
golden - I mean, feels like my soul’s on an island vacation
and my heart’s on a joyride down to the coast, and it never
stops! I never felt so... in tune with the world. See, this
fella, see he’s a fella that, well he’s the type who – ahh,
what a guy! ‘ts like I got Mozart playin’ in my head all
day long, like a soundtrack. I swear he and I get to
talkin’ and just like that, I was a new man. He’s got me
lettin’ go of all my earthly attachments: no room in my
soul for trifles and pettiness of any kind. You take my
mother, my brother, my wife and my kids – kill ‘em all on
the spot, right in front of me: I’m tellin ya, I’m so at
peace with myself, I wouldn’t even flinch.
CLÉANTE
Such a vive portrait of benevolence, my ears have never
beheld!
ORGON
If you’d’a been there like I was when he first rolled into
town, then maybe our friendship wouldn’t be such a hopeless
mystery to you. I’d see him every day at church, wide-eyed

29. 28
like a lil’ Basset hound, and he’d be kneelin’ right up
close to the altar. I got lucky, bein’ I was right across
from him, but every set of eyes on God’s green acre was
watchin’ and fixatin’ on him. He wasn’t no hot-doggin’
Bible-belt grandstander neither: he was the real deal.
Folks just about melted into a puddle, the way he was
shootin’ those prayers up to heaven. Givin’ these delicate
little sighs, all meek and to himself, kissin’ the ground -
I’m talkin’ all the stops! He even flagged me down as I was
leaving to make sure I got my share of the holy water – I
thought, this guy’s unbelievable. He had a little friend
taggin’ along with him, real good kid, and he got to
breakin’ down for me the direness of the financial
imprecation that had befallen him. I said heck, I’ll be
more ‘n happy to chip in! So I did; but being of the
relentless good nature that he was, he’d always try and
fish me back a little somethin’ of it. “That’s way too
much!” he’d tell me – “I’ll settle for half, that’s it! You
confer on me a sympathy that is hardly deserved.” So after
I told him, in so many words, that he could take that idea
and direct it towards a certain unmentionable region, he
walked right out and redistributes my charity to those bums
sittin’ outside! (Shaking his head, smiling:) Ever since
the good Lord graced us with his presence in my familial
abode, well, life can’t get much sweeter. He’s got an eye
over this place like a red-tailed hawk – and he’s so
gracious, he’d even do me the personal courtesy of keeping
extra-close tabs on my wife! The minute some poor sap
starts makin’ eyes at her, he’ll swoop right in – heck, he
gets more worked up over it than I do! And don’t even think
about questioning the pureness of his devotion: he just
about crucifies himself over the tiniest, most trivial
little nothin’ ain’t worth a hill o’ beans – it’ll just
about break his heart in half. Good example, just the other
day he squished an ant by the sugar bowl, and the poor guy
was almost in tears, scared he had killed it usin’ too much
aggression.
CLÉANTE
By the bones of Rameses! You’ve gone exceedingly far off
your onion now. In spewing this moronic babblery have you
any other ambition but to scandalize me and malign my
intellect? What is your thesis, amidst all the driveling,
decerebrate, bee-headed stultiloquence I’ve just heard?
ORGON

30. 29
Easy does it there, brother – this conversation’s gettin’ a
little fast, little loose for my taste. From what I see,
you might be the one who needs his head checked. Now, I’ve
been keepin’ it nice and civilized with you, tryin’ to pass
along my principles, but if you keep makin’ this difficult,
I can’t promise there won’t be trouble down the line.
CLÉANTE
Allow me to belay the stump speech of your coach-fellows.
Blind as they are: this is how they wish the whole world to
be. Suddenly, to employ a functioning set of eyes is an
intimation of sacrilege; he who fails to cling to these
unscrupulous pageantries is said to denounce and disgrace
all that is holy. Well have at me then! And behold what
little trepidation in me your blathering inspires. This
resounding contestation is my own, and I beg the Lord to
explore every avenue of my soul. We shall not bend to your
pettifogging minstrels, at whose hands piety is travestied
at the same rate as valor. And since we seldom glimpse the
terrain of the truly intrepid among us, so we are left to
judge our heroes only by the racket they incite. Those
earnest devotees, whose only mandate is their perficient
example, would never sink to such flagrant contrivances.
Great smoldering Vesuvius! Are you so inattentive to the
line which exists between hypocrisy and devotion? You would
compile them under the same heading if you could! At a
masquerade ball, would you approach the other guests and
compliment their candor? There’s no severing what’s earnest
from brazen forgery, no dissolving what’s true from its
winking veneer. What prevents you from walking up to a
person’s shadow, asking it to dinner, and then settling the
tab with spurious bills? By the flocculent goats of
Kashmir, man is a curious breed! Seldom patrolling the path
of good virtue, he twists to offload the trammel of pure
reason. He defiles principles by distending their margins,
warping what is righteous, trumping all its noble standing,
all for the desolate glory of some petty advantage. I only
wish to impart these words to you in passing, my dear
brother.
ORGON
(With naked irony; deliberately hokey:) Well butter my butt
and call me a biscuit – we got ourselves an ee-meritus
scholar! (Pretending to call ELMIRE:) Honey, when’s the

31. 30
next big pickup? We got encyclopedias to unload! Don’t need
‘em no more – your brother, yeah he’s got allll the
answers! Jeez, this whole time, I had no i-dea we had a
professor in the family! You’re like a regular Arnold
Einstein, like a Sig-man Froyd or somethin’ – must be a
real pain in the neck puttin’ up with us yo-yo’s all day
long, huh?
CLÉANTE
Brother, I do not purport to be a preeminent philosopher,
nor would I ever profess to maintain a singular grasp of
man’s intellect. But despite my limited percipience, I
assure you that I can distinguish quite cleanly between
what is bona fide and what is simply a sham. Just as there
can be no hero more valiant than those pure-hearted
servants of God, and thereupon no earthly element more
precious than the efflorescent fervor of a quenchless
devotee, I consider nothing to be more pernicious, more
grossly repellent, than the snide facade of a fraudulent
believer; those craven charlatans, those fair-weather
worshippers, who hither and yon defile hallowed ground with
their obsequious gaze, and desecrate all that is blessed
and revered by the good denizens of our nation. Those
opportunistic scoundrels make a bezesteen of faith,
snatching up principal and capital with fandangous winks
and fallacious sighs. Watch them clamber up Jacob’s ladder
with their hypertrophied zeal – not in hopes of salvation,
mind you, but instead some piddling, pistareen gains. Each
day before the congregation they smolder and supplicate,
touting redemption and celestial grace. They calibrate
their piety to offset their sins; they are wily and
splenial, akratic and hollow. And when electing to malign
some unfortunate soul, they need only feign a superbient
oath to our heavenly Father and the contemptible deed is
acquitted straight off. But unhinged and incensed, O the
havoc that lies ahead! How swiftly they impugn us with that
which we hold dear, and that flame, which in worship
amasses untold cachet, makes white-hot a holy dagger to
carve out our hearts. Replete as the world is with these
rankling ringers, the well-conditioned heart - one utterly
clear of falsehood, makes its presence known to all like a
crocus in spring. And brother, our era is brimming with
paragons of virtue: look to Ariston, look to Periander – to
Orontes or Alcidamas, to Polydorus or Clitander – who would
dare bring forward calumnies against them? Set against the
impudent phantastry of those pious braggadocios – these

32. 31
icons would never subscribe to such an ugsome charade!
Their merciful hearts are steadfast as the sun’s rays.
Their agenda is not to rebuff and rebuke our most trivial
choices, like so many surquidious buzzards; such a practice
carries too much hubris and spite. Yielding this asinine
stricture to others, they seek to enlighten only by virtue
of their principled acts. To them, the clamor of evil has
minimal drift; rather, their soul is adept at discerning
the good. They harbor no penchant for collusion or graft:
an existence that’s pure, both in action and thought, is
all they propose to achieve on this earth. The sinner
himself in them triggers no wrath – they reserve their
hostility strictly for sin, and they would never condescend
in heaven’s name to vehemence that heaven itself was loath
to inflict. On these men I enact a most fervent salute –
may they remain at the vanguard of all our actions, and
shepherd our ways for as long as we live. Your associate
inescapably merits none of these bouquets. And no matter
how stalwart, how affectionate, how wholesome your
adherence to his emanations may be, I will continue to
insist that you are utterly beguiled, brother: to a tee.
ORGON
Oh is that the end? Did you get it all off your chest, pal?
CLÉANTE
I believe I have.
ORGON
Good. I’ll catch ya on the flip-side. (He turns to leave.)
CLÉANTE
Tarry but a moment, good brother, that I may have one last
word. Let us abandon, shall we, this particular theme.
(Beat) You are indeed cognizant of the moment Valère took
your sworn oath that he shall become your son-in-law.
ORGON
You betcha.
CLÉANTE

33. 32
And you have established a date on which this farrand
espousal will obvene.
ORGON
Affirmative.
CLÉANTE
What pretext have you then to delay the nuptials?
ORGON
Couldn’t tell ya.
CLÉANTE
Does some fresh intimation give you cause to rethink?
ORGON
It’s possible.
CLÉANTE
Do you intend to renege on your contract?
ORGON
Now don’t go puttin’ words in my mouth.
CLÉANTE
Upon my soul I can conceive of no reason why you should not
uphold that which has been forsworn!
ORGON
Details.
CLÉANTE
All this sophistry for a mere confirmation! Valère has
petitioned me to broach the matter with you.
ORGON

34. 33
(Now toying on his cell phone:) Hosanna, it’s gonna be a
scorcher tomorrow.
CLÉANTE
But what tidings can I bring to appease him?
ORGON
Go with sump’n that sounds good.
CLÉANTE
I refuse to withdraw ‘til I have gleaned your position.
Reveal it to me this second!
ORGON
Only to do what the man upstairs wants.
CLÉANTE
If I may seize this opportunity, to simply clear the air: I
repeat, Valère’s faith - his very happiness - rests in you.
Will you uphold it or won’t you?
ORGON
So long, fella. (Exits)
CLÉANTE
(Alone) I fear for his love, which soon may be thwarted.
I’ll run to alert him – this must be reported.
ACT II
Scene 1 – ORGON, MARIANE
ORGON
Mariane!
MARIANE

35. 34
In here, daddy.
ORGON
Huddle up with me now – daddy’s got a little somethin’ for
your ears and your ears only.
MARIANE
(As ORGON is poking through the closet) Whatcha lookin’
for?
ORGON
Just gettin’ a reading on our surroundings here, makin’
sure we don’t have any covert operatives listen’ in on us.
‘Cuz let me tell you, this’d be a dandy place to hide.
(Pause) And it appears we are secure! (ORGON sits back
down) Now I’ve known this to be true for quite some time,
and it ain’t no secret to the world either: you, darlin’,
you got a heart sweeter ‘n a sugar boat on a river ‘o
honey. And even if that wasn’t true all the time – heaven
forbid – you know you’d always be my baby girl.
MARIANE
Daddy, please – you know your love means the world to me.
ORGON
Sweetheart, hearin’ you say that brings so much joy to my
heart. Now, far be it from me to tell you how to run your
life - that’s not what I’m doin’ – but, if you wanted to
guarantee that that love you care about so much stays right
where it belongs, all’s I ask is you make your old man’s
happiness your number one priority. That’s a fair trade
where I come from.
MARIANE
You know I do, daddy – that’s never gonna change.
ORGON
Well, dynamite, I’m thrilled to hear it. So now, talk to
me. How’s it been livin’ with Tartuffe around the house?

36. 35
MARIANE
You mean, like, for me?
ORGON
I mean for you. And I don’t want any fluff now – take your
time and think on it, then you give me a real answer.
MARIANE
Oh God! I might as well just tell you what you want to
hear.
ORGON
That’s an A-1 idea, you’re talkin’ daddy’s language now!
I’ll just start you off, get the ball rollin’ for ya – why
don’t you, y’know, if you want, comment on how he walks
around with an aura that radiates the glory o’ God... that
his presence makes your heart wanna swell up and chirp like
a meadowlark... and that you’d be tickled pink, up over the
harvest moon if I went ahead and hitched you two up in the
style of holy matrimony. That sounds like you, doesn’t it?
(MARIANE is perfectly still, in shock.)
MARIANE
Does that... wait-
ORGON
Well?
MARIANE
You’re sayin’-
ORGON
What?
MARIANE
Am I, like, missing something?
ORGON

37. 36
I don’t know, are you?
MARIANE
Daddy, wait: whose presence are you sayin’ should make my
heart chirp like a meadowlark? Who do you think I’d be
tickled over the moon for if you hitched us up in holy
matrimony?
ORGON
Well in’t it obvious? I’m talkin’ bout Tartuffe!
MARIANE
(Shaking) But daddy... I don’t feel any o’ that. I’ve never
felt anything close to that. You wouldn’t want me to lie to
you, would you daddy?
ORGON
No, cupcake, I most certainly do not. But I do want you to
make it so it’s true. Which is why, with your future in
mind, I’ve gone ahead and orchestrated the thing myself.
MARIANE
WHAT?! Ohmygod Daddy, wait, wait, are you sayin’-
ORGON
That’s right baby girl! I’m sayin’ it’s celebration time!
And I’ll tell you the truth, you can kick and scream and
work me all you want - it’ll be as useless as tits on a
rattlesnake, ‘cuz what we’re fixin’ to have is a jubilant
union of the families: Tartuffe and my Mariane in blessed,
righteous wedlock. Mmm, mmm! You see, as the paterfamilias
of this household I’m granted certain privileges, you know,
kind of a blank check, if you see what I’m gettin’ at...
Scene 2 – DORINE, ORGON, MARIANE
ORGON
Whoa there, hang on now. (Walking up to DORINE) You got a
press pass to show? What are you even doing here? You got

38. 37
some mighty big huevos Dorine, just waltzin’ in, thinkin’
you get to listen in on our private conversation – but that
is what you do, isn’t it?
DORINE
Well you know how it is, bitches down at the rumor mill,
they be circulatin’ a lotta wack-ass misinformation and
what not - and me, I’m not tryna be perpetuating that shit,
feel me? So usually I just let it go. But then, today, this
beat-down fool was tryin’ to gas me sayin’ we got a wedding
goin’ down at the crib and I was like bro – that’s
incorrect, don’t be comin’ at me crooked like that!
ORGON
Come on! Why, why is that so hard to believe?
DORINE
Are you listenin’ to yourself? Yo, one time – you may think
I’m buggin’, but trust me: the feeling is mutual.
ORGON
You don’t know squat – once you hear my story, I’ll have ya
on board faster’n tumbleweeds in a tornado!
DORINE
Aw yeah, OK, I see you Billy Shakes, go on, cut me off a
slice ‘o that narra-tive. I could use some entertainment.
ORGON
The deal is imminent, Do-Do bird. That ink is gonna be
drier than happy hour at the Betty Ford clinic, and once it
is, you ain’t gon’ have nothin’ left to whine about.
DORINE
You wylin’!
ORGON
(To MARIANE:) Don’t you worry baby doll, we’re still on for
what we discussed earlier.

39. 38
DORINE
(Likewise to MARIANE:) C’mon girl, don’t let ya pops front
on you like that! He ain’t ‘bout it!
ORGON
I’m ‘on tell you this once more-
DORINE
You can tell it to me once, you can tell it to me a
thousand frickin’ times – you talkin’ still ain’t worth a
dime.
ORGON
Lord help me, Dorine ‘cuz I am fit to be tied...
DORINE
Ahright ahright, chillax, OK? My bad, we get it, you’re
tellin’ the truth – on the rilla though, you’d be lookin’ a
lot better if you was lyin’. But damn Papa dukes! I’m a
little fuzzy on this, so if you wouldn’t mind explainin’
somethin’ to me real quick: how can a sensible-ass, no-
nonsense-havin’ motha-crusha like yourself, with such an
exquisite and robust mustache as you do possess - don’t
deny that, it is glorious – be out here gettin’ played like
it’s recess by some tight-ass...
ORGON
Now you listen to me: you’re in my house, on my property,
and I’m gettin’ a lil’ tired of all your yackety-yack,
grantin’ yourself all these... conversational liberties,
y’understand? And I ain’t in the mood to be repeatin’
myself, y’hear me?
DORINE
Man why’ont you just marinate for a second? You ain’t gotta
get all heated up in this popsicle stick, c’mon now...
let’s keep it civilized, boo! Straight up though, the
homies gon’ ridicule yo’ ass over this shit. You know damn
well that dude ain’t tryin’ to mack it witcha daughter – he

40. 39
out here hustlin’, I mean he’s schemin’ on some other shit.
What the fuck’s in it for you anyway? You got dem duckets
playa! What’chu wanna let some broke dick get all up in ya
lineage fo’?
ORGON
You shut your cake hole, lady! Now it ain’t no covert
secret that he currently populates the realm of the
f’nancially bereaved. What’s more is we owe him our
blessings and admirations on account o’ that very
destitution. Hard times have befallen on him, vis-a-vis no
fault of his own; as a matter o’ fact, in the eyes of the
good Lord, he’s a heck of a lot more redeemed than we are,
in this house, with these hip little frills all over the
place; he has willfully deprived himself of that
dinglefuzz, the reason bein’ our go-go MTV lifestyle don’t
hold a luminaria to the kingdom of eternal salvation he’s
fixin’ to land in. So you see that my charitable subsidies
will permit him to obtain a level of social palatability,
while also just plain helpin’ him feel a little better
about his situation on Earth. Y’need t’understand - where
he comes from, if you ain’t holdin’ some capital, ain’t
nobody gonna respeckcha. He might not have that type o’
respect at the moment, but he sure as heck deserves it from
us.
DORINE
Mmm, yeah he out here every day talkin’ that same noise to
us, like he a gentleman and all’at. Now I’m no theo-logian,
but that shit smells like a conflict of interest to me. How
you gon’ act all churchy and innocent like you the fricken
Pope or some shit, then go ‘n floss on us like you a big
dog, like you all that ‘n a bag o’ Frito-Lay? C’mon blood,
if you really finna be dedicated like that, then we don’t
wanna listen to you put on fo’ ya district. Shit is OD
cocky – like what’s the point? But OK, I see you squirmin’,
feelin’ disrespected, so let’s forget about his wack-ass
heritage and lemme hitchu wit’ my feelings on him as an
individual. I mean, what’s really good – are you tryna tell
me it wouldn’t piss you off havin’ some bent-ass,
bootlickin’, candy-ass jabroni fuck nut controllin’ ya
daughter? Does it not occur to you that we live in a
society, feel me – that when you pull shit like this, at
some point you gon’ have to ride the beef? I mean, when you
press ya baby girl into marryin’ some butt plug who she

41. 40
doesn’t even like? – that shit is cold, B, like a Eskimo
dick, man, that shit is so cold. And you best believe if
she ain’t feelin’ it, that’s gonna throw dirt all over that
sweet little disposition o’ hers tha’chu love so much.
Swear down, she gon’ lose that drive to be a good person
early if she get the impression he don’t deserve that side
o’ her. There’s a lotta salty-as-fuck Tiger Woods-ass trife
bitches runnin’ ‘round here that’s just what they man make
‘em out to be – tell me, who’s gonna wanna stay loyal to a
piece of shit like that? And when she’s out here rackin’ up
all that bad juju ‘cuz she hate her husband, Jesus gonna be
comin’ for you, not for her – you drew it up, pop – you
precipitated that shit. So goddamn, just vegitate for a
minute, get ya mind right before you go and dig that kinda
grave for y’self.
ORGON
She needs to learn there’s a right way and a wrong way to
livin’!
DORINE
And I’m sayin’ you’d be a lot better off peepin’ my
recommendations.
ORGON
(To MARIANE:) Come on now, sweet pea, we shouldn’t be
indulgin’ her carryin’ on like this. I’m your daddy,
‘member? And daddy knows best, dun’t he? Now I had gone
ahead and given my blessing to Valère on the subject o’ his
proposal – but it’s come to my knowledge, via the municipal
grapevine, that he likes to spend a fair bit ‘o time tryin’
his luck at the tables, studyin’ the ol’ California prayer
book... so I would be remiss if I didn’t act on my
suspicions of him as personifying the very essence of
delinquency and perversion. His presence at service on
Sunday is, shall I say, far from habitual.
DORINE
Oh I see, so maybe I should just give him the drop on ya
schedule, huh? Y’all can coordinate the times and show up
together, hand in hand, with ya bowties on – just like all
those other goons who ain’t there for no reason but to get
they ass noticed.

42. 41
ORGON
Nobody’s askin’ for your two cents on this, Dorine. (To
MARIANE:) You ain’t got nothin’ to worry about, angel-face.
Tartuffe’s sittin’ so close to the Good Lord he can just
about lean over ‘n slap him some skin – and that there’s
the most precious commodity around. Formin’ a union with
him’s gonna be like somebody granted every wish you ever
coulda wanted – nothin’ but pink cupcakes and diamond
bracelets, baby girl, from here on out! Y’all are gonna be
shacked up cozier ‘n a couple ‘o chickadees in a wool sock,
soakin’ up that m’nogamistic bliss like there’s no
tomorrow! Y’all ain’t gonna be squibblin’ or squabblin’, no
petty contra-tempsin’, no sir – and that’s a promise! He’s
all yours, darlin’ – make him into whatever you want.
DORINE
How ‘bout some dipshit who gets cheated on? You down for
her to make him into that?
ORGON
Cheese and crackers, Dorine! You still givin’ me lip?
DORINE
Man, you can see it in his eyes, that dude’s gon’ get
cuckolded out the yang, I’m callin’ it. I mean, all due
respect and all, but the shit just feels predestined to me
– and ya lil’ cookie-face boo-boo tweetie-bird here can’t
do a damn thing to stop it.
ORGON
How ‘bout you go fifteen seconds without interruptin’ our
conversation, huh? How ‘bout givin’ that a try? ‘Stead ‘o
hornin’ in on our business, on sump’n that doesn’t even
concern you?
DORINE
Eyyo cool runnings, poppa bear – I’m doin’ this f’y’all’s
benefit, not mine. (Every time ORGON turns to speak to
MARIANE, she interrupts.)

43. 42
ORGON
Well how ‘bout easin’ off on the empathy, Mother Theresa,
‘cuz it ain’t appreciated. Please, just cork it from now
on.
DORINE
I just got all this love inside, for you, you know-
ORGON
Nope, hold it right there, no need, please – you don’t love
me.
DORINE
Ohhoho I’m’a love you, big daddy, you ain’t gotta worry
about that!
ORGON
Criminy!
DORINE
Man, you know I got ‘cho back like chiroprac’! We been at
this for a long time, me ‘n you, and you treat me good,
Papa Smurf, real good – but I can’t just stand all idly by
while you get juked by some ass-clown who don’t give two
coconuts about you! I know you ain’t tryna be no
laughingstock!
ORGON
Don’t you ever take a break?
DORINE
Man, don’t trip – it’s this girl’s future we’re talkin’
about! I got a conscience too, shit, I got values! You let
her marry this dude, now I can’t sleep at night!
ORGON

44. 43
You just shut your ball-washin’ hood-rat whore mouth before
I—
DORINE
Eyyyo!! Hold onto the got-damn tele-phone, hit pause - I
know I didn’t just witness a crime – I thought you were a
man of God! I thought you had principles! I ain’t heard o’
no church-goin’ brothas that get get all twisted up,
poppin’ off with all types o’ nasty-ass aspersions and
vilifications and shit like that! Man, watch ya mouth!
ORGON
Lord help me, it’s true: I’m all... riled up on account ‘o
all your... (Struggles to avoid profanity) diddle-daddle.
All I’m askin, please, I’m beggin’ ya – just... stay quiet
and let me conduct my conversation in peace.
DORINE
Yeah ok, no, that works, you do ya thing, chicken wing. But
just ‘cuz I don’t say nothin’, don’t mean I ain’t got
somethin’ cookin’ on the mindgrapes.
ORGON
Fine by me – you think to your heart’s content. Just don’t
go thinkin’ your way into thinkin’ it’d be a good idea to
share what you’re thinkin’ with me, ‘cuz you’d be in for an
honest-to-God grade-A -- you know, that’s enough for me.
I’m gonna turn around now.(Turning back to MARIANE:) Baby,
you know I ain’t one to jump into sump’n spur-of-the-
moment. You gotta understand though, I’ve been rackin’ my
noodle over this thing like you wouldn’t believe, and-
DORINE
This shit got me tight! How you gon’ tell me I can’t speak?
(DORINE shuts up as soon as ORGON turns his head.)
ORGON
Now I know he ain’t no Leonardo Capriccio or nothin’, I
know he ain’t winnin’ no beauty contests, but Tartuffe,
see, he got that special quality in’nim that-

45. 44
DORINE
You serious? Shit, I must be a freak ‘cuz I think he fine
as hell. I mean, he got dem beady lil’ eyes lookin’ atcha,
and you know the lil’ scruffy, the lil’ (Brushing her
chin)... whatever he got there, you know I’m feelin’ that –
man I’ll tap dat ass all into next week!
ORGON
(ORGON turns menacingly towards DORINE as he continues) –
even if you ain’t, you know, too keen on all the other,
y’know, the particulars, you still gonna-
DORINE
Oh yeah! My girl’s gettin’ it right now, flashy lifestyle,
we ‘bout to turn up in here! (Beat.) But real talk though,
if that was me in the situation, you betcha ass I wouldn’t
let a muthafucka run up on me and twist my arm into no
marriage agreement! We could be at the damn reception, I
could have my dress on, it don’t fuckin’ matter - I’d still
tell him, straight up, he betta’ watch his ass - ‘cuz a
lady always be set to flip the script on her man.
ORGON
So... you’re just gonna forget about our agreement?
DORINE
Whatchu all over me for? I ain’t talkin’ to you.
ORGON
I’d sure love to know what you’re doin’ then.
DORINE
I’m talkin’ t’mah damn self.
ORGON
(Beat.) Well ain’t that just a piece o’ pudding. See, I get
no pleasure from resortin’ to violence, but if my acts of
diplomacy ain’t doin’ the trick, then I’m gon’ just have to

46. 45
get medieval on your hide til’ you start showin’ me some
proper respect!
(ORGON holds his arm in a position to slap DORINE with the
back of his hand before turning his head back to MARIANE.
DORINE remains stoic.)
Now listen, honey - this isn’t really up for negotiation.
We’re fixin’ to whip up a wedding here real soon, and the
man I’ve chosen to be the groom is — (To DORINE:) nothin’
you want to say to yourself?
DORINE
Nah B, I’m straight.
ORGON
Not even a teeny little word? There’s gotta be sump’n.
DORINE
I ain’t tryna contribute right now.
ORGON
Sure ya are! C’mon, we’re all listenin’.
DORINE
Man, I ain’t stupid!
ORGON
(Turning back to MARIANE:) You’re daddy’s girl, y’hear me?
You got one job - that’s mindin’ what daddy tells you, and
if I say this marriage is on, I don’t wanna see you rollin’
your eyes about it.
DORINE
Try ‘n entrap my ass into marryin’ a weasel-ass dude like
that... shit is gross, yo, makes me sick, I ‘ont get down
like that. I’m out. (ORGON takes a swing at DORINE but
misses. DORINE exits.)
ORGON

47. 46
Mariane, I don’t need to tell you, we got a varmint on the
loose. It’s a doggone infestation in here, and my problem
is I ain’t got the means to address the situation in a way
that’s, you know, decently Christian. I’m all buggered up
in the head, I ain’t fit to be discussin’ this with you
right now... that good-for-nothin’ sassafras got me
madder’n a one-legged lady at the IHOP. Imm’on take
fifteen, get a little air, get my wits about me...
Scene 3 – DORINE, MARIANE
DORINE
Hey! Little Miss Silence of the Lambs – did you forget how
to open ya mouth? You want me to write your thank-you notes
and do ya taxes and wipe ya ass too while I’m at it? I’m up
here takin’ hella risks and shit tryna cover f’yo ass so
you can maybe, I don’t know – not make a decision that’ll
ruin ya life – and you ain’t doin’ dick to back me up!
MARIANE
But you see how he is, he controls everything... what am I
supposed to do?
DORINE
You get up on ya grown woman shit and you do whatchu need
to do avoid gettin’ served up like a goddamn pig roast up
in here.
MARIANE
But... how though?
DORINE
You gotta be real wit’ him! Tell ‘im he can’t make your
heart feel some typa love if you ain’t feel’ it y’self.
Tell ‘im when the time comes f’you to get wifed up it’ll be
‘cuz you found somebody who’s gon’ really hold you down –
not ‘cuz it’s convenient for him. And seein’ as you kinda
the cornerstone o’ this whole operation, na’im sayin’, we
wouldn’t be here if it wun’t f’you, that means you runnin’
this bitch, you callin’ the shots – ya husband gotta be

48. 47
about makin you feel good, and notcha dad. ‘Cuz I mean, if
ya daddy really thirsty for Tartuffe like that, if he think
they could, y’know, vibe o’ whateva, tell ‘im he can throw
a ring on it and be out!
MARIANE
But Dorine... he’s my dad, it’s like... he’s got this power
over me. I’d never be able to say that stuff to him.
DORINE
Hold up, let’s just meditate fo’ a minute. Young Valère, as
I’m sure you know, has been puttin’ in that work. My man’s
been grindin’. I mean, he’s tryna lock that ass down. So
let me pose the question directly: do you love Valère, or
do you not love Valère?
MARIANE
Do-rine! I- I- that’s so unfair! How can you even ask that
question? Here I am, pourin’ out my heart to you for weeks,
for months, Dorine – I mean, what doubts could you possibly
have at this point?
DORINE
Yeah I know you been talkin’ that talk – but that shit is
cheap, ya dig? How’m I supposed to know for sure that you
feelin’ all’em Disney-type emotions deep inside ya heart?
MARIANE
I can’t believe you Dorine. I’m really insulted that you
wouldn’t even take me at my word, after all the times I’ve
repeated myself.
DORINE
Yo quit stallin’ – you tryn’a be in there or not?
MARIANE
Of course I am! I love him, I love him more than anything
in the world!
DORINE

49. 48
And based on what you’ve observed, you would assume he
feels the same way.
MARIANE
I know he does.
DORINE
And both o’ y’all finna get married, like, right the eff
now?
MARIANE
Totally, like, this second.
DORINE
So... this whole thing with Tartuffe, y’dad... what’s the
word on that? C’mon honey, we in the huddle right now, n’a
mean, what’s the game plan?
MARIANE
If that guy comes anywhere near me with a ring, I’m gonna
swallow like 45 Advil liqui-gels and that’s gonna be it.
DORINE
Oh... oh brah-fricken-vo. That’s on point right there, that
shit is dice - did you go to Harvard? You must be a genius
o’ somethin’, ‘cuz that shit hadn’t even crossed my mind.
My momma musta threw some paint chips in my oatmeal when I
was a kid because my dumbass never would’a even considered
such a reasonable, practical, well-crafted, constructive
solution to ya lil’ predicament – you can just kill
yourself! It’s beautiful! You get props f’this one. I
usually hate it when mah’fuckas take the easy way out.
MARIANE
Jesus, Dorine, stop it, you’re freaking me out! This is,
like, a really hard time for me, so how about being a
little more sensitive, ok?
DORINE

50. 49
OK, I apologize... but you know, I don’t typically like to
show my sensitivity to triflin’-ass lil’ pussies who wanna
fold like some knockoff Prada suit when it’s time to step
the fuck up!
MARIANE
I don’t get what you want... I, I’m like, really not a fan
of confrontation, so, like, I don’t know what to do.
DORINE
Don’t gimme that shit girl – you’re in love! You just said
so! You need to tap into that vitality, feel me? You gotta
have that swag comin’ outcha skin!
MARIANE
You think I don’t feel that way when he’s with me? God,
Dorine.... anyway, he’s the man, right? He should be the
one dealing with daddy, not me!
DORINE
Don’t even come at me with that weak-ass logic! You tryna
say that just because y’daddy happens to be a bigheaded
bumbofuck buffoon who’s trippin’ so hard that Tartuffe got
him sittin’ on his lap sharin’ a GOT-damn strawberry
milkshake out the same straw, who’s such a scumbag that now
he tryna screw you over and cancel the wedding he promised
you – you wanna go tell Valère that’s his mess he gotta
deal with? Nn-nn, girl, you wrong f’dat, I’m sorry.
MARIANE
But I’m gonna feel like such a bitch if I turn him down...
plus, I don’t want Valère to think I’m, like, obsessed with
him or something... I mean is it really worth getting to
marry the person I want if it means my dad’s gonna hate me
forever? Also, like – this is my business, you know? If I
make a big deal about marrying Tartuffe, everyone’s gonna
think I’m just some spoiled brat who-
DORINE

51. 50
Yeah, yeah, I feel ya, I’m witcha. I know you not lookin’
to deal with all’at hoopla ‘n shit. I mean, clearly you
tryna sign those papers and be Mrs. Tartuffe – so we good
money then! You know ‘cuz I definitely ain’t tryna run ya
life f’ya - that’s all you, n’a mean, that’s your
prerogative. This wedding’s gonna be on ‘n poppin stat, and
me, I’m in no position to discourage that shit. I must be
buggin’ too, tryin’ to make you second-guess yourself – you
‘bout to get hit wit dat ill matrimonial hookup girl! No
lie, we talkin’ about Mista TAR-TUFFE right now -
oooowheee, that’s a fly-ass dude – nah, fuck it - that’s a
man right there! That brotha’s cooler than Denzel on a off
day – he ain’t even gotta sweat about provin’ it to nobody!
Class is on point. From this point on, you two gon’ be that
corona and lime, all the damn time – those perks gon’ be
off the chain, you already know! Every mothafucka in the
game be on his tip... dude is signin’ autographs, kissin’
babies and shit when he goes home... how does he stay so
humble!? Plus, I mean, let’s keep it real: he got them lil’
rosy cheeks, that bubble butt... ooh girl you done hit the
jackpot!
MARIANE
OHHHMIIIGODDDDD...
DORINE
What about that ring ‘doe? How many diamonds you think?
What’s ya birthstone? Aw shit, how ‘bout that reception
‘doe, you two gonna be gettin’ down on the parquet, man
it’s gonna be so frickin’ beautiful... (DORINE pretends to
well up) aw hell where da Kleenex at?
MARIANE
UGH! Stop it, Dorine, I’m not kidding, pleeease, cut it
out! You gotta come up with a plan – I can’t marry him! I
can’t! Seriously, I don’t care about anything, whatever you
think’ll work, I’ll do it, just tell me!
DORINE
Oh hell no! Have you lost ya mind? I ain’t about to
negotiate on this – we’re talkin’ ‘bout ya pops right
there, that’s the man that gave you life – if he tells you
you gotta marry some nappy-ass no-teeth-havin’ crackhead

52. 51
from the corner you betcha ass you’re walkin’ down that
aisle! And you gon’ be cheesin’ like you just won the
lottery! I’m pickin’ up some ungrateful vibes from you
right now and I have no idea why – this shit’s gon’ be
cake! Cake cake cake! Y’all roll up in the 7-series Beemer
where da fam be - I heard they got some estate-type joint
out there, somethin’ like, palatial and shit – say what up
to everybody: aunts, uncles, cousins, gettin’ down with the
whole crew – they love you, obviously. Hospitality is
crazy. Soon you’re choppin’ it up with the big wigs, the
high societies, that creamy del creamy, ya dig? Socialite
status, postin’ up at the mayor’s crib, throwin’ down with
models – they’ll have you sittin’ at the head o’ the table
– guest of honor ‘n shit! I’m talkin’ velvet ropes, VIP,
New Years Eve poppin’ bottles... picture that wit’ a Kodak!
And you got your husband with you the whole time, he ain’t
never leave ya side-
MARIANE
Ahhhhh Dorine I’m gonna dieeee... give me something that’s
gonna help me, not something that’s gonna make me want to
slit my wrists!
DORINE
(Ironically tipping her cap and turning to go:) M’lady.
MARIANE
Stop!! Oh my god Dorine, please-
DORINE
How ya gonna learn? If you don’t accept the shit and move
on? Just let it happen!
MARIANE
Dorine!
DORINE
I ain’t here.
MARIANE

53. 52
What do I have to say to-
DORINE
Bitch please! You made the bed, now yo’ ass gon’ sleep in
the bed. And that bed is called marryin’ Tartuffe.
MARIANE
What about all the times you gave me advice?! Doriiiiine
you know you’re the only one I can talk to about this...
just gimme-
DORINE
I aintcha therapist! The practice is closed, indefinitely!
It’s about to be Tartuffasaurus Rex, all day, everyday in
this mothafucka!
MARIANE
OK fine, Dorine, fine! Whatever! I guess all this time I
wasn’t aware that you had a robot heart made out of...
cement! And poison! And death! And... ah, just go, it’s
fine, just... leave me alone with my sadness. At least my
sadness cares enough about me to listen! I can probably
just ask my sadness for some helpful advice.
(Stands staring at DORINE, then abruptly turns to leave.)
DORINE
Eyyo! (MARIANE freezes.) Getcha whiney-ass back here.
Forget that shit. I ain’t mad. Gimme a hug.
(DORINE swings open her arms. MARIANE bashfully accepts.)
MARIANE
You get it though, right? I mean, if my dad actually makes
me go through with this, it means I will literally, 100%
have no reason to live, and I’ll probably have to hang
myself.
DORINE

54. 53
Yo, why are you buggin’? Just be cool Em... c’mon we got
this! This’s how it’s goin’ down: we just- oh shit, boo
alert, this is a boo alert, not a drill – V-baby, comin’ in
hot...
Scene 4 – VALÈRE, MARIANE, DORINE
VALÈRE
Oh hey guys, so - this is interesting, very interesting
actually, you’ll like this: I just got wind of some news.
Yup, some news, some news just, scooted its little way
across my radar. I had not heard this news until just
recently. Is it good news? Is it not good news? I think
it’s probably good news because-
MARIANE
What.
VALÈRE
I heard that you were getting married. And when I asked
who, they told me it was some guy named... I want to say,
Tartoof-ie? Know anyone by that name?
MARIANE
It’s all my dad, he’s got this whole... thing, he’s
planning, it’s such a big deal-
VALÈRE
Oh your dad? Your dad who - I just had a conversation with
your dad, not too long ago, in which he told me -
MARIANE
I know, I know, and then he changed his mind. He just
dropped this on me, like, I don’t know, twenty minutes ago.
VALÈRE
Are you fucking kidding me?
MARIANE

55. 54
No, dude, sadly I am not fucking kidding you. He’s like, on
a mission - he’s never wanted anything so bad in his life.
VALÈRE
I see, I see. OK. No problem. But let me ask then, just out
of curiosity: are you on board with this?
MARIANE
I don’t know.
VALÈRE
Oh... kay, wow, kind of brutal. Um – so you just, you just
don’t know, huh? You have no idea.
MARIANE
I don’t.
VALÈRE
Y’sure?
MARIANE
What do you think I should do?
VALÈRE
I? Well, as far as... “I” is concerned, I think you should
marry him.
MARIANE
Really. You think that.
VALÈRE
Ahhhbsolutely. Congratulations.
MARIANE
You 100% for realsies think I should marry him.
VALÈRE

56. 55
Not even a speck of doubt in my mind – this right here is a
once in a lifetime chance! You’d have to be completely
insane to pass it up.
MARIANE
Well... thanks for the input, man. I might just have to do
it now.
VALÈRE
I’m thinking it’s not gonna be such a tough decision.
MARIANE
Maybe. At least, not as tough as it was for you to say
that.
VALÈRE
Oh, me? (Soft chuckle) I’m... I- I’m just, I’m happy if
you’re happy. I’m looking out for you, bottom line. Which
is why... I... suggested that.
MARIANE
Awesome. That’s so great because guess what? All I ever
wanted was to make you happy. So, yeah, I’ll just do it
because of that reason.
DORINE
(Aside:) Look out, we ‘bout to get it crackalackin’ in
here.
VALÈRE
So that’s it, huh? Our love means nothing to you? I’m just
this... this sock puppet to you – we’re playing, we’re
having fun, I’m the sock, you’re the hand, it’s all peachy,
and then the sock starts to get a little dirty so you
just... throw the sock away?
MARIANE

57. 56
Wha- it is not OK to say that to me! You just told me like
five seconds ago I should marry him for realsies because
it’s what my dad wants! You said I should! I’m only doing
this because you said so!
VALÈRE
OK, what is happening right now is actually bullshit – why
are you even pretending like you care what I think? You
clearly had already made up your mind to marry him before I
even got here, and now you’re obviously projecting - you’re
leveraging all your fucking guilt onto me so you can feel
like I’m forcing you into making this decision, ‘cuz
there’s no way you’d have the guts to make it on your own.
MARIANE
Wow. You’re like, a genius.
VALÈRE
I really, really must be. The thing is, I don’t actually
care! At all! Because now I can see, with pristine and
unprecedented clarity, that you never loved me.
MARIANE
Uh!! Well... you’re obviously allowed to think of it that
way.
VALÈRE
Wow, thank you - it’s so great to have your permission –
and I wouldn’t waste your time feeling grateful for my love
either. This is how it breaks down: you, ruthlessly
spurning me like the rabid, frigid bitch that you are, and
me, perfectly satisfied knowing that at any point, I can
march into any bar, or bookstore, or Trader Joe’s in this
city and walk out with a girl who will love me and
appreciate everything I have to offer.
MARIANE
Of course you can. I hope I’m there when it happens. God, I
love a man with confidence, who knows exactly what he wants
- it’s definitely one of your better qualities.

58. 57
VALÈRE
Why don’t you just spare me any insight you have regarding
my “qualities” – whatever they might be to you. At this
point, it’s become unabashedly clear you’re not really such
a fan. But there is a lucky lady out there, waiting, so
patiently, to take my hand, welcome me into the closet of
her heart, and wash out the chalky, bitter, festering taste
of loss from my mouth. And since you have so generously
granted me this convenient window of opportunity – I doubt
she’ll be waiting too much longer.
MARIANE
Oh really? It’s that huge of a loss? ‘Cuz you and this new
girl seem to have a great thing going. I’m so impressed -
you’re just, like, taking everything in stride.
VALÈRE
Don’t think I’m not trying my absolute hardest - I am.
Because when someone stabs you through the heart - cleanly,
and repeatedly, with no inhibition of any kind – it
triggers a battle cry, deep from within, where from that
point forward you are fighting to protect the very legacy
you will leave on this earth. Every last thread of your
being must be devoted to shutting that person out of your
mind. If you can’t do that, well... just fake it ‘til you
make it. But whatever you do! - No matter how much you may
ache, or seethe, or waver on the brink of total
annihilation of the self – never, under any circumstances,
should you surrender one shred of your affection to the
person who tossed you out and left you for garbage.
MARIANE
I think it’s awesome you’re being so mature about this.
VALÈRE
You’re damn right it’s awesome; people could learn
something from me. Tell me though, honestly, while we’re
here - would you prefer it if I stayed in love with you?
Forever? Always pining, yearning, choking on the smoldering
embers of unrequited passion? Then watching you from a
distance, sucking face with that guy at the mall with the
neck tattoo who works at Cinnabon? I really think if one

59. 58
day, you just saw me walking in the distance with my arm
around another girl, it would send you into such a colossal
tailspin of anguish and insecurity that they would have to
pry you off the ground with a two-by-four.
MARIANE
Um, what? - No, no, wrong – I actually do want that for
you, I want you to be happy, and I wish I was looking at
you with another girl right now.
VALÈRE
Is that so? Right now?
MARIANE
I do.
VALÈRE
Pfff - wow, ok, fuck this, fuck everything, I’m gonna go.
Hope you like what you see.
(VALÈRE turns, takes a few hard steps, and then stops.)
MARIANE
Sounds great to me.
VALÈRE
(Whipping around) I hope you’re not forgetting that you are
100% responsible for everything that’s happening right now.
All of it. I might be losing my shit over here, but just
keep in mind, you brought that on yourself.
(VALÈRE starts walking away.)
MARIANE
I get it.
VALÈRE
(Turning back) Oh, so you get that I’m not doing any of
this by choice. Your callous fuckery, equals, determining

60. 59
factor, A.K.A. primary causality - ER-go, this whole
miserable godforsaken shit parade. Great.
(VALÈRE turns to go.)
MARIANE
You’re being very clear.
VALÈRE
Good, because I’m done. You’ll be reaping the rewards in no
time.
MARIANE
Can’t wait.
VALÈRE
Lap it up, bitch! You’re not gonna see this handsome face
again for the rest of your life.
MARIANE
Perfect timing!
(VALÈRE turns and walks away. When HE gets to the door, HE
pauses and turns back.)
VALÈRE
Wha’wazzat now?
MARIANE
Hwha?
VALÈRE
You di- uh, did you say something?
MARIANE
Nope. Must’a been a ghost.
VALÈRE

61. 60
(Beat.) Yeah. OK, well... bye.
MARIANE
K bye.
DORINE
Uuuuuuhhhhmmmm, well - if a muh’fucka was curious enough to
consult my ass about the situation, I’d prolly tell’m y’all
a couple o’ wylin’-ass, cupcake-bimbo fools for puttin’ on
this fuckin’ Junior High crack circus in front ‘o me. I was
finna let the shit run, thinkin’ you was gonna resolve it
on y’own but now, nn nn, I ain’t here f’dat. Yo! VV Top!
(VALÈRE has had his back turned, near the door. DORINE
strides over to him and grabs his arm. HE resists overly
dramatically.)
VALÈRE
Ah! Jesus Crist Dorine, what?!
DORINE
Man, get’cho ass over there.
VALÈRE
No! No, I won’t do it, I’m wiped out. I can’t be close to
her – it’s too much strain on my battered heart. Plus she
doesn’t even want me around; don’t make me go against her
will, she’ll get all... y’know, vexed.
DORINE
Quit talkin’ that shit – I’ma smack you!
VALÈRE
You stop! Read the goddamn room, Dorine, the show’s over!
Clear the auditorium. Sweep the stage. The audience goes
home disappointed.
DORINE
What the fuck are you talking about?

62. 61
MARIANE
(Aside:) Oh God it’s killing him to look at me right now. I
can’t, like, be here if he starts crying or something. I
gotta give him some space, I’m gonna go.
(MARIANE starts to tiptoe away to the opposite exit. DORINE
whirls around and runs to grab her.)
DORINE
Ey yo! Cinderella! What’chu think, you gon’ run off to the
ball now?
MARIANE
Lemme go!
DORINE
We ain’t done in here! Attendance is fuckin’ mandatory.
MARIANE
Dorine, I’m serious, you’re making it worse. Let it go, I’m
not staying here.
VALÈRE
(Aside:) This has gotta be torture for her, I’m making her
so uncomfortable, just standing here - there’s no way she
can relax. A real man would leave and give her the respect
she deserves.
(VALÈRE tiptoes to the exit. DORINE chases him down.)
DORINE
Oh hell no – you try’na dip out on me again?! Son, I see
you! My vision is impregnable! You can’t pull that David
Copperfield shit on me - I got this whooole bitch on
lockdown. Now both o’ y’all gon’ quit bein’ a couple o’
sketchballs and stand wit’ me here fo’ a minute. Goddamn,
shit is ridiculous...

63. 62
(DORINE pushes VALÈRE and MARIANE into the center of the
room so that they eventually flank her on either side.)
VALÈRE
What’s the deal, Dorine?
MARIANE
Yeah, like, what are you trying to do?
DORINE
Y’all ‘bout to make the fuck up; it’s goin’ down right
nnniddow – oh I’m serious as a heart attack, kids. You
think I’m playin’, but I’m not - (To VALÈRE:) c’mon V-
train, why you so salty, B?
VALÈRE
I’m sorry - were you not here when she was ripping into me
with her talons?
DORINE
(To MARIANE:) C’mon bae, why you gettin’ all heated like a
thermostat over this shit?
MARIANE
Are you kidding me? You weren’t here when he was acting in-
sane and treating me like a monster? He literally just said
I had talons.
DORINE
That’s it! Everybody cool out - ya both done fucked up, the
shit is a given. (To VALÈRE:) C’mon, playa – look, look at
my face – that’s ya girl right there, that’s wifey, that’s
ya boo. You gotta feel me on this: she ain’t tryna be with
no other dude. Take that witchu – what, you think she and I
don’t talk? (DORINE turns to MARIANE:) Listen girlfriend –
that man, that... ok I’ll call him a man right now, for the
sake of... whatever – he is like, wow smitten wit’ yo’ ass
– he ain’t got it in ‘im to love another chick. Homie wanna
wife you up so goddamn bad it’s like a sickness. That’s on
some truthful shit.

64. 63
MARIANE
What are you trying to tell me, Dorine?
VALÈRE
Why are you even bringing this up, Dorine?
DORINE
Y’all are some idiots, I swear. OK, we reunitin’ right now,
let’s get it, ya freaky-ass bitches, getcha hands in. (To
VALERE:) You, gimme ya hand.
VALÈRE
(Giving DORINE his hand:) Why do you need my hand, exactly?
DORINE
(To MARIANE:) Oh you ain’t exempt, honey, c’mon, ‘das all
you.
MARIANE
(Likewise giving over her hand:) What are we even doing?
DORINE
Jesus Christ! Why y’all takin’ so long? Too much sex up in
here t’be wastin’ my time like this... smell the fuckin’
pheromones! Y’all are straight clueless – here. (DORINE
forces their hands together. MARIANE and VALÈRE hold hands
without eye contact for a bit.)
VALÈRE
(To MARIANE:) Hey, why you gotta be so serious all the
time, hm? You got some nice teeth, people want to see ‘em,
y’know?. Just one man’s opinion. s
(MARIANE turns slightly to VALÈRE and shows a faint smile.)
DORINE

65. 64
Aw ff— I’m done. But I guess you know it’s love when it
makes you (Directly to the couple:) lose ya damn minds!
VALÈRE
(Breaking free from MARIANE, taking a step back.) Wait,
wait, wait, hang on! Let’s just... let the collective jets
cool down for a second – and in the meantime, technically,
the way I’m reading the situation is: I still have grounds
to entertain some beef with you. And in the interest of
full disclosure, and since we’re clearly playing by Western
rules of reconciliation, I have to wonder: would your
recent statements to me, which were of a decidedly
inflammatory and - I don’t think I’m being unfair when I
say - venomous nature, would they NOT, in this case,
qualify you as... I don’t know... a ginormous BITCH?
MARIANE
PUH-LEEZE, I honestly pray that you’re joking right now
because if you’re not that would make you the most
ungrateful, conceited—
DORINE
Y’all need to save the cute lil’ soap-operatics for the
ride home. This ain’t no game, see, we gotta get cognitive
in this bitch prontissimo, y’feel me, ‘cuz we tryna murk
this wedding, point blank!
MARIANE
So give us jobs! Tell us what to do, what’s the plan?
DORINE
Oh we gon’ be on his ass like shit on Velcro, yes Lawd!
(She clears her throat.) Big news outta KC tonight: local
witnesses have confirmed that papa bear, aka the Orgomatic-
3000, aka Macdaddy mustache - be actin’ a straight dunce on
the Reggie Miller and it’s startin’ to piss muthafuckas
off. So here it is: I’m’a need y’all to focus on keepin’ it
reaaall chiiiillll... all day, every day, no exceptions.
Y’all gotta be cooler than some three bean gazpacho. Get
down with the sickness - all the lil’ plans ‘n shit – just
so he ain’t got nuttin’ t’suss out, na’I’m sayin’. Once
pops is comfortable, we just delay, delay, postpone, delay,

66. 65
and it’s all Gucci. Bottom line is we need time – we get
some a little breathing room, we gon’ be straight. Annie, I
seen you fake like you got the flu ‘n shit, hit ‘im wit’
summa dat. V-baby, I want you to make up some excuse why we
gotta change up the date; say you seen a black cat walk
under a ladder and bust up the side mirrors on ya whip wit’
a baseball bat - boom, now we got some more time. Shit is
light work! Basically, it’s simple – as long as this one
(Gesturing to MARIANE) don’t walk up in the spot with a
white dress on and say ‘I do,’ then we cool as some dudes
on‘nem waves out in Malibu. But just so we ‘ont ha’ no
snafu’s, no problems, nuttin’, I’m ‘on request that ’y’all
cut out any public displays of... bein’ in the same room
together. We gotta keep this strictly professional. (To
VALÈRE:) So if we’re clear, then my man, you gots t’bounce.
But get ya boys in’on’is – lett’em know the deal, what we
talked about, and make sure they protect ya neck ‘n don’t
let you do nuttin’ stupid. The two of us gon’ get the kid
D-Rock up to speed, then we gon’ holla at Elmire, ‘cuz we
gon’ need her too. Aight? Let’s make it happen.
VALÈRE
(To MARIANE:) This... wow. (Beat.) This is gonna be some..
fucking mountain to climb. But... you’re my North Star,
babe. I know you’ll be there to light the way. And all I
can think about is what it’s gonna be like to meet you at
the summit.
MARIANE
(To VALÈRE, swooning:) I don’t even care what my dad
thinks. My heart belongs to one man and one man only:
that’s you, Valère.
VALÈRE
Ah! You don’t even know what those words do to me... it’s
like... you’re rushing through my veins... like, no matter
what happens--
DORINE
Couples, man... they don’t fuckin’ stop! (To VALÈRE:) Yo,
be out! Peace!
(VALÈRE takes two steps away and turns around.)