This document contains a portfolio by Shea DeBoard that includes original and revised creative writing pieces. It summarizes the revisions made to three pieces: 1) A sound poem about working in retail was revised to add more concrete examples of difficult customer interactions based on feedback. 2) A fixed form poem about hiding medical symptoms was rewritten to be more personal and focused on the writer's sister based on feedback. 3) No revisions were made yet to the original short story about an animal trapped in an aquarium, but revisions will be done soon. The document discusses the feedback and revisions made to improve the pieces and make them more focused, personal, and impactful. It aims to incorporate lessons learned

1. Portfolio
Shea DeBoard
Lindsey Ayres
Creative Writing
29 November 2016

2. Original Sound Poem
Costumers constant complaint
Why isn’t this on sale?
What a trying refrain.
You’ve had a bad day.
Why don’t you take it out on me,
When you don’t get your way.
Talk anyway you want
You’ve already delivered your scathing taunt.

3. • I chose my sound poem because I like it and want to
make it better.
• I wrote this poem so people could see how hard it is to
work in retail.
• I need to have more concrete images in here and
examples of customers behaving badly. I have a bad
tendency to use abstract images.
• I added lines 3-7 in place of the original line 3.
• Two out of three people said I needed to have
examples of what some customers are trying to do.
• When I wrote it the first time I was really hung up with
making everything rhyme, but this time I focused more
on the message I wanted to send.
• In the future, I plan to add more alliteration.

4. Revised Sound Poem
Costumers constant complaint
Why isn’t this on sale?
You’re out of this,
So can I have that
for the same price?
Sorry Madam, you can’t
Get something for nothing.
You’ve had a bad day.
Why do you take it out on me?
When you don’t get your way.
Talk anyway you want
You’ve already delivered your hurtful taunt.

5. Original Fixed Form Poem
• Talking isn’t harmful
• A couple words doesn’t kill
• Kindness can be accepted
• Educate us in what is happening
•
• Maybe you are trying to control what you can
• Yet, it’s hard to watch
•
• Helping doesn’t hurt
• Accept your limitations
• News doesn’t have to be pried out
• Denying help doesn’t make you strong

6. • I wrote this poem after my sister (who is
epileptic) tried to hide her symptoms, so she
could go do what she wanted.
• I want to make it more personal and use more
concrete images.
• I scraped the whole poem and rewrote it to be
more pointed towards my sister.
• I am revising this because everyone who
reviewed it said It needed to be more personal
and that I needed to be less abstract.
• When writing this I got really hung up with just
putting words down that fit. When I revised it, I
focused more on the message.
• In the future, I want to try to add rhymes.

7. Revised Fixed Form Poem
• Tell us when you feel bad
• An episode can kill you
• Keeping your symptoms from us only hurts you
• Examining you is the only way we realize you are in trouble
• Maybe she’s feeling OK?
• You never check in with us
• How will we give you your medicine? If we aren’t there?
• Apparently brain damage is very attractive to you.
• Not taking your medicine is the first step to this.
• Daring Lady Luck isn’t a good idea

8. Original Short Story
Since I was young, I was taught not to go near the traps. The traps are metal cages that
are partially buried, so we can’t see the bottom. The sides seem to blend right in with the
surrounding plants. The only surefire way to tell it is a trap is that it seems too good to be true.
The only ones caught are the desperate, but sometimes they will catch the naïve too. Once they
go in there is no getting out. The traps have the most delicious food I had ever seen. The
monsters who set them have four long limbs and are white. They have lengths of hair that are all
different colors. Some have hair all over their body, and others have no hair at all. I have heard
that their skin comes in more colors than we have seen. I wouldn’t put it past these monsters to
be able to change colors just to toy with us. We can’t fight them, THEY are smarter than we are,
and have better weapons. I don’t know exactly what happens after someone springs the trap, or at
least I didn’t until now.
I’m not sure how long I’ve been here. Time seems to move differently than what I am
used to. I feel as if I’ve been here my whole life, but it’s only been three months, however;
because there is no way to tell time here I’m not sure. I miss the sandy beaches and mesmerizing
ocean I call home. The only thing I experience here is long stretches of boredom, intersected
with brief bouts of terror. The other prisoners and I only have each other, there is nothing else in
this blue prison. We have no walls in this prison only glass to separate us from the outside world.
There is a lot of time to think in here, and I have been thinking about the simple life I had. There
are times I am happy that I only my mother to mourn me when I am gone, but other times this
thought makes me sad.
For as long as I can remember, Mom has always doted on me. This makes me feel guilty,
because I am the reason she was in one of the traps. I’ve never told her this, I know her reply
would be, I am also the reason she got out. Knowing she is right doesn’t alleviate any of my

9. • I haven’t revised this yet. I will do this soon.

10. Revised Short Story