Ray Parks book

Along the Way
one story of a sojourner
A book of praise. A testimony for
the purpose of encouragement.
Main message: don’t be afraid.

Ray Park

Preface
purpose of this guide
This is not a scholarly dissertation. I have no
desire to add another literary volume to the al-
ready vast library. I give no new understanding or
advice that is not already given in the Bible. This
is my attempt to share practical insights given
to me during the final days of my life, to leave
behind a thing of value as we face common trials
and fears.

who is it for?
This book is for those who are on the way to
Heaven. Being saved is only the beginning of a
journey. Once we recognize the Lord and accept
Christ, the arduous road of sanctification begins.
A minefield of tough questions, and confusing
choices lay ahead. We read the Bible, but there
is so much noise and clutter from conflicting

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preface a lo n g t h e way

doctrines, confusing omissions, and contradict- who travelled before me had given me a bit of
ing views and misguided commentaries—not to guidance, how much lighter, more productive,
mention the intentional heresies that bombard and joyous my travel could have been. Everyone’s
us through the media and by false teachers. How journey is different, but there is information and
does one stay on course? What happens when an methods that can lighten our steps and bring
unexpected event overturns our very life? Do you deeper appreciation for the ground we walk.
have the foundations to face the test? Of course, these are all in the Bible if you know
The truth is, the Bible is sufficient to address all where to look. As a fellow traveler who has been
of these. Still, a helpful voice from a fellow travel- there, and now stands at the doorsteps of gradu-
ler, who can relate to you his own experience, ation, I will try to highlight for you the key points
may serve a good purpose—as a supplement. and landmarks one should not miss; and hope-
fully do this in a way that you can easily relate to.
I will assume you already know the Lord. If you And my prayer is that you will develop a deeper
don’t, go seek Him immediately; you don’t know appreciation and thirst for the Word along the
what incredible gift you are missing. But you, my way, so that you will develop a habit of feeding
fellow traveler, are on your way. From when you daily directly from the Source.
were born again, to your final breath, you are on
a journey of sanctification. Truly, the work be- Finally, whether we admit this or not, we all live in
gins here. The pressures can be overwhelming fear of death. I am now at a place where I can say,
at times. It is not easy to be a Christian. Life is a indeed, death is nothing to fear. As a brother in
battle ground, not a play ground. Until one finds Christ who loves you, I wish to offer tips, observa-
the rhythm of the walk with God it is particularly tions, and comfort, and to tell you, there is noth-
difficult. Then, just when you think you under- ing to fear. To see my reasons why, read on.
stand and have climbed a plateau, Satan will at-
tack, as is his role. He has, in his arsenal, weapons
to match every stage of your maturity. One must
never underestimate him.
In my life, I meandered through too many paths
I could and should have avoided. Many times,
I found myself trapped in some dark alley of
confusion, anguish, and doubt. If only somebody

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a lo n g t h e way

functions and the control system to move ef-
—
fortlessly in all six degrees of freedom, requires
a mind-numbing level of complexity and design
elegance. And how does God create these? By a
system of transferring a software code from one

Life’s Lessons
generation to the next. In all the years spent by
man just to understand the mystery of DNA, we
have now barely reached a point of recognizing
the complex design. Each of the fish swimming in
the tank is a treasure beyond man’s comprehen-
sion, far greater in beauty than anything man
has ever produced, a product of the meticulous,
how do we know? loving hand of the Master Artist.
Not long ago, I visited the Museums in Golden Yet, the bible tells us that this God, the one and
Gate Park with my wife. I peered through only God, who flung stars into heaven for our
the glass panes at a fish exhibit at Steinhart story book at night time, who gave us the sun,
Aquarium in fascination. I was mesmerized by land and water, working in harmony to provide us
the diverse shapes, colors and patterns, and a warmth, food, and water, who created creatures
unique imprint of humor and beauty that God has large and small for our pleasure and benefit, that
given to each of these creatures. Every fish was a this God loves you and me, personally, intimately
dazzling marvel of creation. No man-made thing and perpetually.
comes close to the packaged elegance of each
of these creatures. During my days at Stanford,
knowledge that humbles
I studied robotics for several years. My research
in this topic gave me a deep appreciation for just Such knowledge is enough to make a man fall
how difficult it is to make something move like the upon his knees in humility and uplift his spirit
fish. Our most advanced technology and all of to rejoice in thanksgiving. But most people find
our efforts can at best produce a crude, child- themselves wanting what they don’t have, ago-
ish mimicry of even the least of God’s creation. nizing over afflictions that they feel they don’t
To combine the beautiful design —with all of its deserve, and in fear of some calamity that might
fall at any time. Indeed, if one does not know

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life’s lessons a lo n g t h e way

God and refuses to accept Him as their Cre- ing the malicious attacks the Enemy will concoct.
ator and their own Father, then there is a good We are meant to be the over-comers and victors
reason to spend the days in anxiety and fear. But in our life on this earth—not merely survivors but
for those who know God and seek to know Him champions and graduates of the most exciting
better each day, we know from the scripture that spiritual development program designed and
our life on earth is a preamble to a much greater monitored by the Creator of the Universe.
life to come. We know that this earth is not our
home. We are sojourners passing through an
a testimony
enemy territory. Our life on earth is a proving
ground; a special time of training and lessons In this book I want to share with you my own
for our spiritual growth. And this time is fraught experience—the joys, hardships, despair, awaken-
with dangers, temptations, side-tracks, traps, and ing to God’s persistent calling, the peace and
land-mines that the enemy has placed to siphon security as I learned to walk with God—as I look
away the proud and unreceptive. forward to my graduation, and imaginable won-
ders I’ve yet to experience.

deadly choice
The bible points to the fools and scoffers men-
tioned in Proverbs, and the Pharisees and Saddu-
cees of the early church period, and the “earth-
dwellers” at the last days of Apocalypse. But
God from before the foundation of the universe
designed us to overcome all that this proving
ground can throw at us. No weapon that the
enemy can throw at us can break our spirit and
our bond with God. Our intellect and emotion
can withstand any affliction and attack that the
devil and demons will put before us. Our body
was designed to work perfectly under all normal
and to some extent beyond normal conditions,
with built-in defenses against diseases, anticipat-

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a lo n g t h e way

and greying hair, I was thankful that I could still
climb 3,800 ft. to the peak of Mt. Diablo and call
it fun.
Then one day, I was beset by a sensation like
nothing else I’ve felt before—an alien concoction

My Account
of breathing pain, stomach cramp, heart-burn,
throbs reminiscent of broken ribs and arthritic
joints that formed a backdrop to a cycle of hun-
ger pangs before and lingering heart-burns after
each meal. These symptoms lasted for only short
periods. It is strange how when a pain is gone,
there is no memory of it, as if it was all imagined.
if death had a sensation
After one such episode, I was on a mountain bike
Last August, I had my 52nd birthday. I liked being ride with my friend Jim. I remember telling Jim
52. I saw the world now with more mature eyes, half jokingly, “If death had a sensation, this would
and able to process what I saw with the wisdom be close.” Jim did not know what to make of my
of experience. Most hard questions that have odd statement. I had unknowingly given a pro-
nagged me—about life, the universe, and espe- phetic note to what soon followed.
cially the Bible—were mostly answered. I was at
peace with my past, content with my walk with
God, and looking with anticipation to what was
to come. I felt good physically. I worked out daily
at the gym, and did 30 to 40 mile rides through
the extraordinarily beautiful hills of the East Bay
regularly. My body has endured numerous inju-
ries and abuses of my years of reckless pursuit of
sports, outdoor activities, and my love of speed.
My body, which I now viewed affectionately as
an old reliable car, had generally served me well
with no major problem. Even with my stiff joints

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a lo n g t h e way

mary care physician, methodically reviewed the
prior test results and ordered a full bank of tests.
The tests, again, came back normal.
Then, Dr. Lee called me. She wanted to perform
one more set of tests and scans. She explained

Disruptive News
to me that there is a chance that this is cancer. I
pushed aside the implications and tried to fo-
cused on the immediate actions this demanded
of me. I was most concerned about Alice who
struggled with the pressures of financial wor-
ries, work-related stress, and family issues. Life
the doctors was hard for her, she seemed to be in a fragile
state. I told Dr. Lee that I wanted to keep this
My first encounter with this condition happened
information to myself while the tests were being
while I was in Korea for a six-day business trip.
performed. I had two weeks to ruminate on the
Through the entire 11 hour flight home, I suffered
implications.
in pain. By the time I landed in San Francisco, I
was exhausted. When my wife picked me up at
the airport, we drove directly to the hospital. the news
I wondered if somehow an old injury was acting When Dr. Lee called me with the test results, I
up, or could it be something much worse. It is the knew from her voice the news was not good. A
unknown that scares us. The doctor at the Emer- four inch mass was found in the liver. Blood tests
gency at John Muir hospital looked for signs of on cancer markers confirmed that this was an
broken ribs or heart attack. The tests came back active tumor, already growing into a major vein
normal. The doctor told me to take some aspirin and spreading to my lungs. She told me that I
and call if things did not improve. must now consult a specialist with whom she had
already been conferring.
Within few days, my condition did improve. I felt
normal again. I was inclined to dismiss the whole My first meeting with Dr. Sun, a cancer special-
thing as a fluke incident. My wife, Alice however ist, came one week later. Dr. Sun was strikingly
insisted that I take a medical exam. Dr. Lee, a pri- young. Yet, he had a calm efficiency about him

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disruptive news a lo n g t h e way

that I liked. He gave me the prognosis as kindly nation. I saw my own mother face her cancer with
as he could. Yes, it is an active tumor— stage 4 a stoic acceptance. I observed her endure silently
cancer. He explained that it is too late for normal as her body wasted away over seven long years.
treatment with local radiation and chemo. Re- I saw my father face his cancer with a defiant
moval of the tumor or a liver transplant was not self-will. He fought on to his dying breath several
an option either at this late stage. When I asked, years later as I watched him at his bedside.
he reluctantly observed that people at my stage And I wondered what I would do if I had to face
have 7 to 9 months to live on the average. such a fate. Cancer was a dreadful thing, the
Now I finally understood, that the fleeting dis- stuff of ultimate nightmare. I prayed, Lord, I am
comforts and aches that I experienced numerous not afraid of dying, but please call me by another
time in the past, which I had casually attributed way, anything but cancer. Even so, I had to ask
to my old injuries, were due to this disease. This myself, why am I any special that I should be
was good to know: it freed me from the qualms spared from the trials that my own mother and
and worries that creeped up from some dark re- father faced, along with countless others who
cess of unknown fears. I know now what I faced. had to endure the slow agonizing death due to
cancer? I resolved that when my turn came, no
matter in what form, I would go like Cyrano’s
prior reflections
Autumn leaves—graceful to the end. Now I faced
At various times before this, I did wonder what I the test of this resolution.
would do if I ever got cancer. I did not fear death
because my foundation is established in the
Word of God. But I dreaded a few ways of dying. revelation
Cancer was one of these. I watched people I A special, inexplicable peace rested upon me
have known die from the disease. It was hard to during this time. I felt none of the fear or stress
comprehend how someone who was completely that one would expect from a situation such as
normal one day could decline so drastically and this. I was given perfect night’s sleep. My mind’s
die from it. I also observed how people reacted reaction to the news was one of nonchalance. In
differently to the calamity. Some were personally effect, I faced nothing new other than an aware-
devastated by the very prospect of death, and ness that I will now likely die of this cancer, and
clung to the end to some imagined hope of re- die sooner than I had envisioned. I still didn’t
covery. Others went quietly with admirable resig- know exactly when and how the end would come.

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We all must die. This is a universal truth known to categorically that the fears of death are unfound-
everyone, regardless of one’s creed or religion. ed for a child of God. No more need be said
Logically, this news of cancer held no significant about the first misconception. As for the second,
new information for me and I resolved to con- I find our irrational delusion of permanence comi-
tinue my life as usual. If I can only not succumb to cal. I’ve clung to this notion with every aspect
my base fears and sentimental sorrow, I will just of my life. Why did I strive after my academic
continue as I have been, and one day, go to sleep degrees and professional achievements? I did
for good. So I determined to continue to read because I thought they will bring fame and for-
the scripture, seek God more diligently, love the tune someday. Why was my dwelling place such a
people around me, and await my death. huge and foremost concern? Alice and I emptied
The process, however, has proven to be much our coffer many times over because we believed
more challenging than this. What I did not know that a house is our fortress, and it will make us
is that there is a test of endurance that stands happy for all the days to come. Why did I collect
in the way. Death is the final test before gradua- so many things—gadgets, tools, pieces of clothing
tion. Before it is over, it will shake me to the core. and pairs of shoes? I acquired each item for some
It will shake anything that can be shaken, and unknown day when I would need it. And why did
remove all things until only the things that cannot I lug around that big camera, and take so many
be shaken remain. This too is fair, and I marveled photos everywhere I went? Because I was pre-
at the beauty of this design. serving the moment for the future. Only those
who think this earth as the permanent and final
dwelling think like this, and do these things. Who
delusions in right mind would spend everything he has to
The awareness of an imminent death inevitably remodel a hotel room that he will leave in a few
refines one’s view in a most profound way. An days? How foolish.
example is my realization that all along, I have How much simpler my life would have been if
lived bound to two large misconceptions. One, I accepted more earnestly what the Bible has
death is something to fear and avoid at all cost. taught us all along: that I am a traveler, merely
Two, in spite of everything, my life here on earth passing through life; that the true purpose of
will continue, indefinitely. life is to learn God’s ways and learn to love other
I stand now at the door of death, and I can state people?

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breaking the news task of telling my wife. As I guessed, directness
Having to break this news to friends and loved and transparency proved to be the correct ap-
ones proved to be a paramount challenge. I sim- proach. I did the same with my business partner
ply did not know how to go about this. How do I whose livelihood depended on my continued
tell my wife? How do I inform my children? When performance. For my children, a united front with
should I let my friends know? Would it be bet- my wife proved to be the best way. For my bible
ter if I kept this to myself until the last moment. I studies, a simple announcement was all that it
knew there is the proper and improper way to do took, and the power of fellowship (koinonia) took
this. What is the most considerate, compassion- control of the situation in an unexpected way. For
ate way to do this? my church community, a public announcement
worked to eliminate any misunderstanding or mis-
When Dr. Lee, explained to me her concerns, I information. For my casual acquaintances, most
knew and had accepted the outcome. I pondered still don’t know of my situation.
the implications alone for two weeks. This was a
lonely time. My son Riley is the youngest of our Telling others that I will soon die is a surprisingly
three children. He had a special day off while his difficult task. So I wrote down few simple pre-
classmates went on a field trip to New York. So I cepts to help me through the process:
decided to take an afternoon off to take him out
for a movie. We ate at our favorite Hamburger Tell those who are closest first, then work
restaurant, then went to the theaters. “Hunger outward.
Games” was the hit movie among his classmates. Stay attuned to the Holy Spirit’s leading for
In the darkness of the theater, I considered the timing and place.
picture of the two of us sitting together and re- Share transparently, not selectively.
membered how this blissful moment will soon be Consider the person before me, and hear my
shattered by what I have to tell him. I watched my words from her perspective. Shield her from
son in his happy preoccupation with the movie, harsh sentiments and feeling when possible;
and I cried. love the person as I explain the situation.
Beware of a pride trip—yes, even here, the
I first confided this dilemma to my friend Bill. flesh will rear its ugly head if I am not aware.
Together we addressed the problem. Bill told Be a faithful witness. This is about God’s
Brad and together they supported me through design; not about me.
the biggest challenge that faced me: the delicate Thank and glorify God.

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reactions situation. Some tried to convince me to come to
I found sharing the news is also a powerful, mov- Korea where treatment of liver cancer is purport-
ing experience. This task demanded a brutally edly more advanced because the hospitals see so
honest connection of two souls on the truest, many cases. My uncle was convinced that some
most basic plane, where our inner character and exotic mushroom from a remote hill in Korea
our bond is disclosed openly. For everyone to would help me. It took all my negotiation skills
whom I had to relate my condition, I saw some- to keep him from spending a small fortune from
thing about that person that I never saw before. his meager resources on this miracle mushroom
tea. Alice’s best friend Lilian knew a forerunning
Alice first could not believe my word. She oncologist at Stanford Hospital who specialized
thought I was joking. When she realized I was in liver cancer, and she was willing to drop ev-
serious, she broke down and cried, and my heart erything to get me enrolled in his program. I was
broke with her. I explained to her the eternal deeply moved by everyone’s manifold expres-
perspective living and dying. I assured her that sions of sympathy and love. I told each one that
this is not a calamity, but a graduation to await my principal goal is not to get well, but to honor
with anticipation. I reminded her that God will God in whatever condition in which He deemed
protect and provide our every need. Then re- best to put me.
markably, she stopped and looked up with a calm
determination. She said, “I somehow knew this It is a privilege to be blessed by friends like this.
was coming. Everything will be OK.” Then she im- I was thankful that I got to experience this. I pray
mediately set out to do whatever she can to make that I will be worthy of their affection and love
my life as pleasant as she can make it. I witnessed until my final day.
in wonder the ideas of courage and love become
physical manifestations in my wife. support
For my friends—Bill, Brad, Jim and others—I was Growing up, it was ingrained in me to be self
struck by how profoundly the news affected reliant. I would not seek others for help. This
them. My business partner Rick took the news sense of independence is something I picked up
with calm consideration, followed by continuous from my father, and reinforced by the culture of
care and concern. My friends in Korea reacted America as I grew up. This was also impressed
with unconstrained sorrow and alarm. These upon me during my university through early
dear people struggled to find any way to help my career years. As someone growing up in the US,

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this idolized image of self–made man is hard to a stylish new coat, or a fancy espresso machine,
escape or ignore. or a luxury car. That is, as long as our core values
With cancer, I had no choice but to admit that I are not compromised—such as the commitment
can no longer help myself. Then I realized that to to the truth, denial of our pride, and responsibil-
face life’s challenges alone, while shunning the ity to those in dire need.
help of others, is not God’s way. As I walked those aisles, the first thought that
occurred to me was, “I don’t need any of this any
more.” The simplicity and finality of realization
changes
was refreshing. I was never much of a shopper,
My views of the world around me were notably but this utter divorce from the desire for material
reset at the moment of my revelation. As if the things highlighted by my imminent death gave
knowledge was the trigger that I needed, I saw me a special sense of freedom. I liked it. I walked
things around me, sharply, and from a different similar aisles, replicated in countless stores ev-
perspective. Some things I saw with a deeper erywhere, all my life. Why did I not see it this way
appreciation—like the moments with my wife and before? I wished I did.
children, friends and brothers, and even strang-
ers. Other things no longer mattered. view of time
I now focus with a greater intensity on things that
material things matter. What I do now must have an immediate
I recently accompanied my wife to a shopping purpose. Else, why would I bother? A purpose
mall. This, I knew, would be a moment I will gives me the focus. The focus transports me to
remember and treasure. As we walked the aisles the tasks at hand, away from the fog, and discom-
of clothing and merchandises, I recognized how fort and pain that the cancer brings. This is my
every item was designed and presented to incite solace.
a special need and desire: an open invitation to I count three things that drive me. First, a desire
vanity and to induce the “lust of the eyes.” And to be a worthy witness of my King and Savior,
this, we live buried in—this subliminal seduction. who has given me the peace that surpasses all
Gradually, little by little, we get accustomed to it, understanding, which keeps my heart and mind,
come to appreciate it, and eventually participate so that I can indeed rejoice and give thanks no
in it. In truth, there is nothing wrong or evil about matter my situation. Second, provision for my

21 22


family when I am gone. This gives a special mean- it means to be in the Family of God. I am un-
ing to the work I must accomplish. Third, leaving worthy of such love, and yet, without hesitation
behind a proper legacy for loved ones. This writ- they gave so freely and naturally. I prayed that
ing is an element of this. I received their gifts of love as graciously as my
I cannot afford to waste what limited time I have friends have given them to me.
on meaningless, mundane things. The work con- I realized that this fabric of love we weave in our
sumes all my available hours. I am driven to be an lives by interacting with our brothers and sisters,
effective steward of my time. In effect, I am more this is a treasure that is precious beyond anything
alive now than I was ever before. on this earth. The Lord gave this a name: “fel-
lowship,” koinonia. He called the people who are
relationships bound by this net of love, His Body. The Family
of God, once we are born into it, is the great-
My situation caused me to recognized the
est family in all the world. If only I had seen this
strength of the bond between me and my fellow
earlier, how so much better my life would have
man in ways I have not experienced before.
been?
Upon sharing the news, the compassion that my
friends bestowed on me was surprising. Even
endurance
people whom I barely knew displayed such care
and sympathy. The extent to which my friends Then came the physical side of the trial. I naively
were affected by the news revealed their caring envisioned that I will continue in my earlier state
hearts. A lady from our church, whom I did not until a quick death. No. My body weakened. Eat-
know, took the time and effort to put together ing became a labor each day. Numbing fatigue
and present to me a gift bag of books and a DVD came over me by the afternoon, and got worse by
on staying healthy. My friend in Seoul, Korea the evening. I resisted taking the pain medicine
scanned the city for specialists and was ready to but soon, the pain from my liver was too distract-
fly me to Korea for treatment. Jim took special ing and I had to take the pills on a regular basis.
time to go riding with me although we could not Now, even a short walk is laborious. Dr. Sun told
take our usual long course, and he had to wait me that the liver pain is normal. The systemic
much of the way. Some recommended to me chemo medicine I started to take is supposed to
special exotic treatments all out of concern and contain the liver growth, but will not reduce it.
love for me. Then I told myself, Ah, this is what So, how I feel today is as good as it gets.

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Inevitably, things will get worse towards the end. energy, which normally drives an active mind, and
If my bodily health was the sole basis of my sense puts in its place a dull blankness.
of well-being, then I had good reasons to despair. The hunger comes suddenly and furiously. I crave
Fortunately, my body has a little part in how I food, but eating does not satisfy. When I am
gauge my wellness. My wellness is in the security overcome with fatigue, resting neither refreshes
of Christ. My strength comes from the Word. My me nor brings recovery. This malevolent thing of
happiness and joy comes from my personal, daily intelligent design is a dark, pervasive presence
relationship with my Father. Therefore, all is well that seemingly delights in inflicting maximum
with my soul. torture on a person through persistent pain and
Still, the daily grind against my declining body discomfort, and grinds away at one’s very life
remains: the final test of my endurance against force. It mocks the very gift of life that God has
my flesh. instilled in us and points unmistakably to a mali-
cious intelligence, in character with everything
cancer—satan’s legacy Satan does.
Having considered this phenomenon of cancer Satan’s ploy is to present a counterfeit of every-
for some time now, I begin to understand its thing admirable and worthy that God has done;
demonic design. It latches parasitically to the his desire is to defile those things that are beauti-
body, diverts the body’s life-sustaining energy ful and worthy with which God blessed mankind.
to its rapidly growing tumor. By counterfeiting So it is with cancer. If the human DNA is the
as normal cells, it renders the body’s defense ultimate software system created by God, cancer
mechanism ineffective. Because it craves nutri- is the most vicious malware invented by Satan.
tion, it triggers panic-inducing hunger pangs, He is the usurper and defiler. He cannot create a
and drains away from the body its vitality. This is beautiful thing on his own. Yet he delights in car-
only the physical side of the attack. Psychologi- rying out grotesque mimicry of God’s creation.
cally, it works to break down the victim’s mental So he spawned viruses designed to destroy. I
state by continuously bombarding the mind with hate the creature with a perfect hatred—for its
hopeless mental fatigue, like a siren’s whisper to dastardly works, for its insidious style, and its
surrender; just put off all things, lie down, close malicious intents.
the eyes, and give in to the weariness, darkness Yet, it is God who allows the evil to continue
and despair. It effectively extinguishes all creative for a time. It is said, All things (even the evil)

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work together for good for those who love God. This is why the Bible exhorts us to seek modera-
Romans 8:28. Those who choose Satan as their tion, to deny the body, to overcome the fleshly
father are attracted by evil. But we who are saved desires, and to fast.
are filtered, purged, and strengthened by evil. So Now that I face the prospect of fighting a pain
there is a purpose for evil in this world. We are that will not go away, but get worse with time, I
meant to suffer, and fight, and emerge victorious recognize the real benefit of fasting. What is fast-
when the fullness of time comes. This is what life ing, but an exercise of pitting the will against the
is: a training ground of immortal spirits. flesh? Half way into a fast, the body signals that
There is nothing good about my cancer. In truth, it is not happy, that it needs food, and the signal
there is nothing good about any disease, or ca- gets louder. I personally have not fasted long
lamities, or trials that befall people in this world. enough to experience the stage when purport-
We cannot rejoice in hardships, for these are edly the hunger goes away. I’ve noticed that the
the results of evil intents. Nevertheless, we can struggle is not so much the sensation of hunger,
rejoice in the fruits of the hardship. God did not but the persistence of the nagging flesh for food.
leave us to be hapless victims of Satan’s tricks. By In the end, fasting is a rewarding exercise, be-
design, we are built to overcome the hardships cause at the end of it, there is a gratifying meal
and transcend above the momentary physical to anticipate.
misery to an eternal spiritual glory; and in so My struggle with cancer has taken on the sensa-
doing, we do testify to the name of God, and His tion of fasting. The persistent, nagging discom-
grand design for our lives. fort and pain, combined with the ever present
fatigue. But neither eating nor resting brings
value of fasting relief or satisfaction. I have only my will to keep
things in check. This is going to be a long fast.
The pain started within few weeks. I was deter-
With time the test will get harder, I know. And
mined to not allow it get the better of me. Resist-
this time, it is not an exercise. So, I am glad for
ing against fleshly desires—of lust, greed, and
the few times I’ve fasted when it was still just an
recognition, for exorbitant habits in dining or
exercise.
comfort, etc.—is one stage of managing our flesh.
Enduring against pain is another, more advanced Knowing what I do now, I would have fasted
stage. A man cannot find spiritual freedom when more. I imagine that it would have been easier
he cannot even escape the bondage of the body. to face this trial if I had more training under my

27 28


belt. I wonder whether God intended to prepare vertible that the Bible was compiled from outside
us for times like this when He encouraged us to our time domain, supernaturally, extra-terrestrial-
fast? Still, there is an end to this fast. Then, I will ly. The more I read it, the more I understand. The
eat and be satisfied with the heavenly food. I so more I understand, the more I am able to digest
much look forward to this. the fathomless significance of the message. The
more I digest, the more I hunger for more.

denying oneself My studies transport me to a communion with
God. And I delight, laugh, and cry with the Word
When the suffering reaches a peak, all I want is
that moves my soul. My struggle with cancer be-
for it to stop. But it does not. How do I overcome
comes a dim shadow when I see the glory of God
this power that pain inflicts on my body and then
that pervades the universe. Even in this cancer, I
permeates to my entire being? Fighting it makes
understand the purpose it has for me. I remem-
it only worse, because I unwittingly focus even
ber the simple hymn, “Turn your eyes upon Jesus,
more on the pain. The key I learned is not to
look full in His wonderful face, and the things of
fight, but deny my body its control over my mind
earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His
and soul. Denying oneself is simply a choice, and
glory and grace.” How true.
requires no energy. It frees my mind to focus on
what is more powerful than bodily sensation.
carnal and spiritual man
If any man will come after me, let him deny him-
self, and take up his cross daily, and follow me. Endurance is a tiring work. Yet, my trial has only
Luke 9:23. Yes, my Lord, I will follow Thee. begun and I know the hard part is yet to come. If
this world was all there is for me, then my endur-
ance would be in vain. There is no remission, no
focusing on christ recovery only an end shrouded in darkness and
I still have my secret weapon when all else fails. confusion. I can understand why people without
I open the scripture and get into my studies. Christ cling to this miserable existence with all
The Bible is not a book. It is an intricate, multi- their might and with everything they have, hop-
dimensional, boundless information delivery ma- ing desperately for some elusive, fictional cure.
chine—entirely consistent, complete, and true. No This is where believing and denying God makes
human mind could ever produce a system of this a deadly difference. I have my hope firmly
function, complexity, and elegance. It is incontro- planted on the promises of God, so clearly and

29 30

disruptive news

permanently stated in the Bible. I look to my
graduation from this life with great anticipation
and longing. This momentary affliction of my
body does not compare to the eternal glory that
awaits me.
I do not pray to God for a miraculous cure. If God
has a plan, and it is His will, I am certain He can
make this cancer vanish with a blink of an eye.
Why not, when He is the architect of the great
code, the designer of this wondrous system, and
the master of every matter that is on earth? But
that is not my prayer. A miracle without His pur-
pose is merely a fluke. Rather, I pray to God that
I may finish my race well. I pray for the strength
and courage and wisdom to ace my final test. If
a carnal man so fixed on his bodily existence can
utterly disregard the existence and needs of his
spirit, why should I not be able to live through
my spirit and disregard this body? This is my
challenge. I will not be a subject to this diseased
body. It shall not master my mind and spirit. It
has served me well all these years. And at times,
it was a source of my pride and satisfaction.
Now it just has to carry me through to my
graduation day.

31

a lo n g t h e way

America. We never felt Korea was our home; it
was a place our family sojourned while waiting
for the promised land—America. We arrived in
America with a few suit cases and a handful of
money, just enough to get us going after spend-

Flashbacks
ing everything my parents had saved on the
journey here.

mother
My Mother was born to a well-to-do family in
Pusan, the second largest city in Korea at the
reaching for a star southern end of the peninsular. The people of
As children, we are encouraged to dream. I grew this province are traditionally know for a warm
up listening to songs like, “when you wish upon a heart, outspoken bearing, and impulsive behav-
star...,” and later, “to dream an impossible dream ior. My mother was all of this, and she was beau-
... to reach for the unreachable star ....” Now I tiful. She could not bare to see a needy person
look back, and can’t help but laugh at the folly. without taking some action. One day while they
What a terrible thing to do to a kid? The Book of were still newlyweds, she loaned away all of
Proverbs teaches that a child should be brought their meager savings when a neighbor came to
up grounded on wisdom and fearing the Lord. It her with a heart-sob story. They never saw that
teaches that a child should learn to be circum- money again. And my father never forgave her
spect, frugal ,and provident. But when the TV for that.
and Hollywood media began an assault on family But she was everything a boy could ever want
with the indoctrination of entitlement, a predomi- from a mother. Time and again, I saw how she
nant segment of US population were affected. went out of her way to help others. These are
And I was no exception. I swallowed this pride- the impressions that stick to a child’s mind. What
trip line, hook, and sinker. better model than to see a caring heart in action?
But I grew up embracing this notion of the self- She was loving, protective, comforting and sup-
made man. From as far back as I can remember, portive to the extreme.
my father’s eyes were fixed on emigrating to Her outspokenness and impulsive actions got

33 34

flashbacks a lo n g t h e way

her in trouble more than a few times, mostly with blur. My mother receded to a dim recess of my
my father. But I loved my mother for her warmth. thoughts as I frantically pursued my dreams of
And she was beautiful. success. Whenever I sent a card on Mother’s
My mother was a devout believer. As far back as day, or called her on her birthday, it was with a
I can remember, she talked to me about Jesus. tinge of guilt. I knew that she deserved more and
When she worked or cooked, she hummed or better than this obligatory gesture. If she was
sang hymns. She took me and my sister to the disappointed, she never showed it—always happy
church every Sunday. I remember a hot summer to hear a word from me, however terse. I pushed
day when we walked the dirt banks of a creek away my guilt by promising that when I become
to Sunday school. Cicadas were chirping. We successful, I will make it all up to her.
huddled around a dirt patch in a circle while a My father called me one day to tell me that my
teacher told us a bible story. I don’t remember mother was diagnosed with cancer. I rushed to
the story, but I remember the watermelon we got Southern California. She had a very aggressive
afterwards. cancer that started in her nasal cavity, evidently
We arrived in the US in January of 1970, to begin from prolonged inhalation of toxic fumes while
a new life. This was not easy back then for a working at her welding station. They had already
couple starting anew in a foreign land. For many performed a minor operation to remove the tu-
years, she got up every day at 6 am for a long bus mor, but this was to no avail. The next operation
ride to a knitting factory. Later, she worked at a involved an grisly operation that would remove a
Hughes assembly plant that manufactured LED large part of face bone, replacing it with a pros-
watches. Her task was welding tiny parts while thetic denture-like device that would allow her
peering through a magnifying glass. Looking to talk and eat, though poorly. The doctors did
back, I realize now how much she sacrificed for not know whether even with this procedure, the
us. Through it all however, she was always proud cancer could be cured, of course. It was just one
of me. When I gave my valedictorian speech at more thing they could do.
the high school, she glowed with pride, as though When I arrived, the family was at a stalemate.
all her hardship was vindicated at that moment. My father did not want the procedure. My sister
Then came college, graduate school, career, insisted we go through with it. My mother did not
startups, and children. I left home in Southern know. So my opinion would become the decision.
California and the pace of life accelerated to a My sister arranged a meeting with the doctor
who explained to me what would happen to my

35 36


mother if we did not go through with the surgery. I was in Korea one winter day when I received
But my father was convinced that my mother’s a call from my sister that mother passed away.
frail body could not take the operation and the I rushed to Southern California on the next
horrific ordeal that would follow even if the flight out of Incheon. My sister told me that she
surgery went flawlessly. I considered, I prayed, I endured the ordeal bravely with her bible as
thought, and in the end, recommended to bypass the one source of her solace. She told me that
the surgery. I decided to trust God if there is to towards the end she was in great peace. Beneath
be a cure. I could not bare to see my mother’s the failing body was a spiritual giantess. At the
face come under the knife of doctors who could funeral service, I saw her face for the last time.
not tell me the outcome even with the surgery. I saw peace there on her face, and she was still
She weathered seven increasingly agonizing beautiful. But as I traced the lines carved in her
years as the cancer ate at her face and her body. face, I saw telltale signs of the misery she had en-
My sister, who was a registered nurse, and took dured. I have never before wept so bitterly, with
it upon herself to take care of our mother at such abandonment.
her house. I questioned my decision each time I
thought of her. I visited her as often as I could, father
but my life was in shambles as I struggled to keep
My father was the most incisive man that I have
the startup alive through the dot-com crisis of
known. He had the sharp mind that cut through
the Silicon Valley venture market. On one such
muck and confusion in both people and prob-
visit, I remember apologizing to her. All those
lems. Where others dawdled indecisively, he had
things that I had wanted to do for her, that I
an uncanny insight to make the right choice and
had put off while chasing wild dreams weighed
get people into action. This quality attracted
heavily on me. She told me I was wrong. She said
many people, but few could stand his piercing
I already gave her everything a mother could
ways for long. He lived a lonely life and died as a
want from a son. She told me how happy I made
lonely man.
her, and how proud she was of me always. When
I had to return from my visit, I saw her sitting at For reasons I have never understood, I was the
her window watching me as I drove away. And my one object of unmitigated love and fellowship to
heart sank each time, knowing that this may be my father. With everyone else, he would unfail-
my last vision of her. ingly discover within short time some unac-
ceptable flaw in character. As for me, there was

37 38


nothing I could do wrong. He did discipline and desperate escape to the South before it would
reprimand me when I deserved it of course, be too late. He gathered a group of villagers and
but when done, he would always find a positive made plans for a night voyage by the sea in a
twist to what I did. I learned from my mother small dingy. If they were discovered, they would
the warmth and safety of the motherly love. My be shot.
father demonstrated the perfect, unwavering, un- They pushed off one night. My father had to
conditional, stark and dangerous love of a father. leave behind all his family. He was the fifth in line
He was born on 2/21/1930 in a farming village in of seven siblings: he had two older sisters and
North Korea in a family of five brothers and two two older brothers and two younger brothers.
sisters. From the very early age, he displayed His two sisters were married and had families.
signs of extraordinary intelligence. When he was His two older brothers elected to stay behind
a mere child, he would recite verbatim an entire and watch over their aging parents. His younger
volume of the Chinese character manual—where brothers were still too young for this danger-
most students struggled to memorize a page a ous journey. The younger of the two sisters was
day. He so impressed the teachers, several took a devout Christian involved in missionary work
him under their wings, even paid for the tuition with her husband. My father loved her for her
when the family could not afford it. ways. As he was leaving she handed him a stash
The country was under Japanese occupation, of bills—old Korean bills with gold visibly laced
through his early years. For a poor farming vil- inside the paper. She had given him everything
lage, this had little impact in the lives of villagers. the couple had.
All children were taught to speak Japanese and His mother walked the many miles to see him off.
by the time the Japanese occupation ended in That was the last time he saw her. The journey
1945, my father was fluent in the language and was a difficult one. Lack of wind left the boat
could write better than most native Japanese. stranded in the sea for days as they ran out of
With the cessation of Japanese occupation and water and food. They lost their way and headed
the end of World War II, the Korean peninsu- for a North Korean harbor. Believing that they
lar was divided at 38th parallel, setting up the had reached the South everyone was on their
country for the coming Korean War. My father feet waving and shouting cheers in relief as
had just finished high school when he saw the boats passed by. Then a small fishing boat ap-
approaching disaster. He decided to make a proached them. The fisherman told them that
unless stopped attracting attention they would

39 40


all be killed. By the time they reached Incheon his forehead. As he slowly opened his eyes, he
Harbor, in South Korea, they were barely hang- saw a soldier staring at him. The soldier asked,
ing on to life. The harbor patrol incarcerated the “What are you?” Then my father smiled at him,
group—with a looming conflict, the government thinking what an odd question to ask. The next
was taking no chances on spies infiltrating as thing the soldier said was even more inexplicable.
refugees. They were released after few days, but He whispered, “don’t move until we are com-
the money my father carried was no where to be pletely gone”. Then he turned around, shouted,
found. “There’s nothing up here,” and he was gone. The
Within weeks of their arrival, the war broke out. missionary sister’s material gift, however pre-
The North Korean army swept down uncontested cious, amounted to nothing for my father, but her
past Seoul all the way to the tip of the Korean teachings of Christ gave him his life.
Peninsular, where the allied forces made their Not long after this, the American forces reoc-
stance in Pusan. So my father found himself hid- cupied Seoul, expelling the North Korean forces
ing in deserted houses from the North army who from city, and there was a short respite from run-
were patrolling the streets for stragglers. One ning and hiding from the North army. But in few
night, soldiers came into the house he was hid- months, the North Korean army returned with a
ing. As all his companions rushed underground vengeance, and this time bolstered by Chinese
to a designated shelter as they did before, he soldiers. The enemy swept past Seoul, pushing
decided to run up to the attic. Another compan- the UN forces south. My father found himself
ion followed him, and they sat silently in the dark caught in enemy territory again. It was during
as they listened to horrors that ensued below. this time when my father was rounded up with
As the soldiers were leaving, he heard one say, other young men and conscripted at gun-point
“Wait, here is one place we have not checked.” to the North army. He was put in a boot camp to
He heard a soldier climbing up a ladder to their be sent out to fight in battles raging all around
hiding place. A gleam of light reflecting off a in the Korean Peninsular. Noting the lax security,
bayonet penetrated the darkness as its tip slowly my father planned an escape route. He marked a
pushed up the hatch door to the attic. He closed ledge above the lavatories beside a window from
his eyes and gave a final prayer of thanksgiving which he would make his escape. But the yard
to God as his sister had taught him. He waited was constantly patrolled by the guards. So every
for the bayonet to pierce him, but seconds ticked day he studied the pattern of their movements
away in silence and he felt the heat of a lamp on and counted their steps. One night, he excused

41 42


himself with the pretense of having to use the outspoken young man, who went out of his way
facility at a time when everyone had already bed- serving others apparently out of sheer pleasure.
ded down. He reached the lavatory and jumped He befriended this man, impressed by his ex-
up to the ledge. He lay there counting the steps traordinarily selflessness. The man was from Pu-
of the patrol. Relying on few second window and san, and without hesitation he invited my father
a prayer, he jumped down to the outside and to his home for dinner that day. There he met the
bolted. man’s sister, a woman of striking beauty. This is
He survived while hiding and fleeing and how my father met my mother.
scrounging for food. He did not have to wait long By the time he was 24, my father lived through
before the UN forces surged again up the pen- more horrors and tragedies than most people in
insula and my father was in a friendly territory their life time. But there was one more that await-
again. From a very early age his dream was to live ed him. After the wedding, the couple settled
in America. So every chance he had, he studied into a meager but stable life of a military couple.
English. This American dream played a key role One day, he happened to come across a famil-
at this juncture. He found a line of men trying to iar looking face in the crowd. It was his younger
enlist themselves in the US army. When his turn brother, the one who always trailed and mimicked
came, he spoke in a surprisingly fluent English him as they were growing up. Of all the siblings,
that he wished to serve as a translator, and volun- he adored this brother. He thought that this was
teer to a post at the front line—to interrogate the the most blessed day of his life. My father, my
prisoners as they came in. This is how he became uncle and my mother rejoiced together: finally a
a part of the US army. He told me about the family in the midst of a foreign land.
nights when he would be wakened by the sound From my uncle, my father learned of the fate of
of bullets whizzing past his head, and his compan- the family. The sister, whose family was so de-
ion beside him would be taken in an instant, and voted to Christian missionary work, disappeared
how after a time, stepping over corpses became one day along with her family and was never seen
routine. He looked for his brothers. Perchance, again. During the conflict when the UN army
he might come across one of them amid streams pushed the enemy back, an opportunity came
of POW’s. If he found them, he would save them. when the border was open for short time. The
The Korean war dragged on, and my father was family decided to make a run for the South. This
in a train bound to Pusan, when he observed an was a life-and-death run for the freedom. Leaving

43 44


everything behind, my grandfather, grandmother, morgue, and found my uncle’s body. There were
and 4 sons made for the border along with bandages wrapped around his head. As my father
hundreds of other refugees. They did not know slumped beside the body in shock and despair, a
how long this border would stay open, and they line of blood streamed across the bandage.
travelled light, counting on luck to bring them My mother told me that the months that fol-
safely to freedom. In the desperation and confu- lowed were the closest time that my father came
sion that pervaded the scene, the sons realized to losing his mind. Then in the darkest gloom, a
that their parents were no longer in sight. They fresh hope—news that my mother was pregnant.
slumped in despair. The two eldest sons decided Mother told me that when I was born, my father
to backtrack to look for my grandfather and came back to life also. When I was still young, my
grandmother. The youngest, still a child, would father once told me that I saved his life. Then,
refuse to leave without their mother and father. I did not know what he meant, and he did not
So the eldest son told the fourth son, “You go explain.
and find your brother; we will find our parents
and follow you as best as we can.” That was the After the Korean War ended, the country gradu-
last my uncle saw of his family. ally returned to normalcy. After many years in the
US military, my father landed a fairly high post in
Later, my mother would describe my uncle as the Korean CIA, as an officer in diplomatic liaison
the most kind hearted, good man she has ever and also counter espionage group. I remember
known. Several months passed in bliss. For my never having to wait in line—for restaurants, the-
father, the fate has finally turned a corner, and aters, anywhere. His magical pass would melt any
things were looking up. My father was away on business owner into a most cordial host. But the
an extended assignment when he awoke from a prospect of settling in America was still foremost
disturbing dream. My uncle was calling him des- passionate dream. So when all other doors were
perately. In the morning he received an urgent closed to him, except for an opening he came
telegram. “Come quickly, your brother is dying,” across, he studied to be a baker. I’ve never had
it said. He rushed back to Seoul and to the hospi- so much sugary pastries offered to me—though
tal. There was my mother, who explained to him at first they were rather odd. So we arrived in US
that my uncle waited desperately, calling for my in January of 1970, where my father was reunited
father. Some latent disease had eaten through his with a friend from the front-line days: Uncle
body, and he had died hours ago. He entered the Wayne who was now an officer stationed in Tustin

45 46


California. We were treated to Disneyland, and He waited patiently as I stumbled and delayed
my sister and I thought we were in heaven. After over 12 years of struggle getting my doctorate.
a short visit in California, we moved on to Balti- Then at a time when most filial sons were buying
more, to a bakery where my father would bake new cars and sending his parents on cruises, he
bread. This profession lasted all of one month, watched me in agony as I launched my startup.
and we were back in Los Angeles, where with few Then I was gone for over 6 years in Korea. When
thousand dollars, my father started our new life. I returned, his health was starting to fail him. But
My father plied himself to many trades: a butcher I was so busy starting up another company, then
shop, a wig shop, house-painting, until he settled setting up a new laboratory under a Korean Tele-
into a landscaping business. He had an artistic communication giant SKT. I tried to visit him as
talent. He loved plants. He loved the freedom often as I could, but the visits were few and far in
and the outdoor work. He was also a perfection- between. He rejected all my efforts to have him
ist. So he built a successful business around this live closer to me, but kept his independent ways.
starting with nothing. It was hard labor, I know—I I was so focused on succeeding, believing that
spend summers earning my spending money. when I finally accomplish my goals, I will have the
His hands became as tough as leather, and his time and money to lavish on him.
face dark from the constant sun. But he put me Not very long after my mother died from cancer,
through 5 years of the most expensive private he was diagnosed with a colon cancer. He un-
school in the country as I worked on my BS and derwent radiation and chemo treatments. After
MS in engineering at Caltech. I never lacked the first year of treatment, he decided to stop.
anything. He had bought me three new cars by He fought the disease for over five years. In the
the time I graduated from Caltech. Others have end, I received a call that I should come, and
asked what he could have become if he had when I arrived, I found his emaciated form still
stayed at his post at CIA in Korea. But he never struggling. For 7 days I sat beside him speech-
looked back. Always content and grateful as he less and gripped by the horror of the devasta-
drove his weathered van from house to house, tion that the cancer had taken on his body. He
cutting grass, planting trees, and fixing sprin- talked of visions of seraphim picking him up by
klers. He was raising his family in a country he his shoulders. The angel said to him, “It is time
loved. All he wanted now was to see me succeed to go,” as they lifted him from this dimension. Yet
in life. This was a satisfaction that I failed to give the time did not come, and we waited. He had
to him. pain-medicine, but refused to take them, because

47 48

flashbacks

he did not like its power over his mind and will.
And I prayed for the stop to his agony. Then I
witnessed the dying moment of a person for the
first time.
There was no peaceful release that I read about
in books or saw in movies. My father went in
agony, in a struggle to the very end. A spasm
coursed through him, he opened his eyes and
looked at me with anger, then a final long exhale,
and he was gone. Before me laid only the wasted
remains of a once vibrant man, who was to me a
pillar of knowledge and wisdom, whose courage
and discipline moved other men to extraordinary
actions, who took on hobbies of fishing, garden-
ing, and star-gazing with extreme passion. He
had shelves of bibles, commentaries, and refer-
ences filled with his own notes. Yet, he disdained
people whom he thought were beneath his
standard. He forbade me from inviting specific
individuals to the funeral for past wrongs he
could not forgive. These were the darkest days of
my life: a beginning of a turning point when I was
under a stupor, too shocked and numb to cry out
even to God.

wakeup call

restoration

49

a lo n g t h e way

“Riley, turn your shoulder this way, and Adelle,
move your left foot forward.” “Conrad let’s try
putting your hands on your knee ... Good!”
As we posed for that perfect picture, I saw an
artist at work. Eve’s nudging completed the com-

Sentimental Ties
position that made the difference between an
ordinary snap shot of people and a portrait that
captures the essence of a family. I noted that this
is how the Holy Spirit works with our lives to give
meaning to each event, nudging us to be more
like Christ bit by bit. He see now the panorama
of my past. He has been transforming the raw
“ducky pond”
materials of my life into a tapestry of grace that is
It was a cold day. “Slightly overcast dusk makes worthy even of pleasing God.
for a perfect light,” said Eve the photographer.
As the five of us joked, laughed, and grumbled
Alice had arranged for a family photo session,
through the photo sessions with Eve, I was
and hired a professional. She selected Oak Hill
overcome inside by the sadness of this moment.
Park Lake for the site, adjacent to Monte Vista
I could still see Riley, then a tiny tot, playing on
High School in Danville. Riley was a toddler when
the climbing structures and the roller slide. There
we first visited this place. Our children grew up
was a sandy play area with water stream, where
playing in this park. We affectionately called the
Riley and Adelle frolicked, laughing as they built
place, “ducky pond.”
some fantastic canyon of their imagination. Here
It was immediately apparent that we picked we were now posing for the photos. The children
the right photographer. He put us in a spot he were all grown up now. And some day, in not too
selected, and then contemplated the composition long a future, Alice and the kids will look upon
with arms crossed. With head tilted, and his index these pictures, and remember one cold spring
finger firmly planted on his chin, he would con- day when the family was yet complete. A sadness
centrate with a raised eyebrow. Then he would came over me. I felt that I would be lost if I dwelt
fine-tune the composition. “Alice, lean to the left.” too long in this contemplation. I stopped.

51 52

s e n t i m e n ta l t i e s a lo n g t h e way

bobby but more for his character and his soul, I loved
I met Bobby when I was the head of an innovation Bobby deeply.
laboratory for Samsung Electronics. My job then Eight years ago, I left Samsung. I had a parting
was to take a team of 70 hand-picked, cream- meal with Bobby in Seoul. When the moment
of-the-crop developers from across all of Sam- came for a final goodbye, he suddenly wept. He
sung Electronics empire and train them in the cried with such honest, open sadness. And my
art of advanced software product development. heart broke as I understood that our days of
Bobby was the most brilliant software engineer working together were over.
I’ve met in all my career. He was a fiery visionary Years passed, and we stayed in touch. In 2007,
with a deep love and respect for excellence. He I was hired to start a laboratory in Sunnyvale
demanded and inspired excellence in both the for SK Telecom, another Korean corporation.
products he conceived and the people he led to This position required frequent travel to Seoul,
build them. He followed me closely as his mentor and I saw Bobby often during this time. Most
and over time I’ve come to know him, and learned recently, I saw Bobby when I was in Seoul for a
the history of how he survived a calamity that business trip. There was a happy reunion among
befell his family at a young age, when his father those who worked for me at Samsung and SKT. I
went overnight from a successful business owner noticed how Bobby’s health had declined alarm-
to a destitute outcast hounded by creditors—not ingly, and he was undergoing treatment for some
an uncommon scenario in the volatile business serious health problem. We talked about the
environment of Korea. He put himself and his ventures I was launching, and we jokingly agreed
siblings through school by his sheer will—a feat that when my business finally takes off, we will
foreign to our opulent culture in the US. celebrate together at Disney World in Orlando,
When I first met him, he already had several a place that Bobby fancied with a childish curios-
successful startups under his belt, but angry and ity. I took time to talk to him about Jesus and the
callous for the wrongs inflicted on him by people, purpose of this life which is to discover His love.
especially the superiors who had used and be- I had given him a selection of C.S. Lewis’s books.
trayed him. I put him in charge of the most elite His intellect and his soul connected with the
development team in my laboratory, and he never words of C.S. Lewis. Still, he clung to a traditional
failed to deliver beyond my expectation in every Korean Soothsaying cult called “jum” with which
task to which I put him. For his exceptional skills, he grew up. He was ostensively drawn to Christ

53 54


but not quite able to sever the ties with this neer and moved out of the student dorm while
tradition that so pervades the populous, includ- working part time to finish my doctoral thesis.
ing many Christians. I told him that I want to see This was a mistake. As I worked intermittently
him in Heaven. I demanded that he find his way between my thesis and the job at Lockheed my
to Christ. That was the day before I was stricken Ph.D. program dragged on for many years. Life
with the pain on a flight back from Seoul to San is not easy for the wife of a graduate student,
Francisco. especially one that worked a full time job. When
Bobby sent an email when he learned of my con- my first child came, it even got tougher for Alice.
dition from a mutual friend. I was looking for the I remember promising her that all will be well
right opportunity to tell Bobby, but missed my when I finished my degree.
chance. I had recently confided with Joshua, an- I finally finished my degree, and things were
other former team member whom I loved dearly. beginning to stabilize. I had a good job and a
And news travels fast in Korea. Bobby’s message budding career. But the ambition and curiosity
said, when he heard about my situation, he wept got the better of me. While I was impressed by
“with abandon.” And I saw Bobby crying in the Lockheed and its illustrious history, culture, and
car eight years ago. And my heart ripped again. high-class operation, a life-long career in this
rigid defense company just did not suit me. So,
when an opportunity arose, I hopped over to
anniversary
Sandia National Laboratory in Livermore, Califor-
Two weeks after the prognosis was our 26th nia. The laboratory world fascinated me at first.
wedding anniversary. Alice and I had planned As a project lead, I had the freedom to pursue
earlier to spend the weekend in San Francisco interesting projects of my choosing, to work with
to celebrate. professors at Stanford and Berkeley, and to take
We were married in April 26, 1986. Following our long bike rides in the rolling hills of Livermore
honeymoon, we moved to Stanford where I was wine-country each day. This was when the new
working on my doctoral program at Stanford venture boom was at its peak in Silicon Valley.
University. We were two young kids, dreamy eyed Everyday, I heard of another startup roaring to
and unafraid, bedazzled by the opulence and success. I found my work at the lab too constrain-
driven by opportunities of Silicon Valley. I was ing, even stifling.
eager to start my career and provide a home for One day, I quit my job and started my first com-
Alice. So I took on a job at Lockheed as an engi- pany with only a vision and grandiose optimism.

55 56


Alice did not like this. My father disapproved. But both financially and legally. In less than two
I pursued this dream with a pigheaded optimism. months, the chairman was convicted and arrested
The company was called Macroscape, Inc. When for fraud, and the CEO all but disappeared leav-
Google appeared on the scene, I shrugged it off ing me in charge of the company. This lasted a
as an inferior competitor. I managed to build a little over a year before the company folded. At
momentum and raised the funding to build the this time, Samsung Electronics took notice of
product, which I called “Ideastorm.” But as one me from a lecture I had given at their research
wise old man observed, I did not know what I did lab. I was soon hired as a VP to lead a develop-
not know. Worse off than a being the wife of a ment group within the newly inaugurated Digital
graduate student is to be the wife of an entrepre- Solutions Center. Hence, what began as a short
neur. I dragged Alice through 5 years of startup 2 year stint became a 7 year odyssey. As an
struggle. I always told Alice that I will make up for executive, I had the opportunity to come home
the difficulties she endured when the company frequently. The pay was good. The company paid
succeeds. to send our children to private schools of our
Then the new venture market crashed with the choice. But this is no way to build a family. Even
bursting of internet bubble in late 2000. Funding worse than being the wife of an entrepreneur is
dried up, and there was no place in the market to be the wife of an expat.
for an unproven, underfunded venture. When an After seven long years, I returned home for good,
investor invited me to join him as a CTO of his and worked to get back on track. This was not
then thriving Internet company in South Korea, easy. I started where I left off by building a new
with a promise to finish and launch my product, startup company. Then I got a call from a head
I jumped at the opportunity. The plan was to hunter in Korea. SK Telecom was looking for
finish and launch my product through his 120 someone to launch an innovations laboratory in
man operation, first in Korea to be followed by a Silicon Valley. This had all the trappings of the
re-introduction into US. I would return to US with dream job I wanted. I named the lab, GSL—for
a successful product within two years. Global Solutions Laboratory. I selected an ideal
I left for Korea leaving behind my family in the location in a brand new building in downtown
East Bay. This was especially hard on Alice when Sunnyvale. I traveled across the country to
the three children were still so little. Soon after gather top talents. And I launched GSL with proj-
I arrived in Korea, I discovered that the Internet ects that I was sure would shape the technology
Company was actually in great deal of trouble landscape. It was a great start, but there was a

57 58


political battle brewing back at the headquarters of Francisco this way, in leisure and without a care.
SK Telecom. The head of technology division who I never saw San Francisco except in blurs always
hired me and created the lab I started was in a life rushing between destinations. This was a fitting
and death struggle with the head of business de- metaphor for my life.
velopment division. The latter felt that the any new Through this time, Alice, my dear wife was deter-
operation outside of Korea came under his jurisdic- mined to make this a happy, comfortable time for
tion and so moved to take over the Sunnyvale lab me. The pain started in earnest while we were in
as his. This battle resulted in my leaving SKT after San Francisco, but this would not ruin our special
16 months. It took me 3 years to get back on stride. time together. We will remember us by this time
I had learned my lessons. I relinquished my foolish together. Alice’s cheery presence comforted
ambitions. And finally, I was back on track, doing me. I fought the sadness that welled up in me as
what I loved, and building a new company. Then just I wondered, what did I do with all those years?
when everything was finally looking up, I learned of I lamented the times I lost while I chased my
my cancer. futile dreams. How would I now keep my promise
Whatever God had planned for me, I had shunned to her, that I will “make up for everything.” I’ve
to follow my own plans. Time after time, I subjected always intended to shower Alice with everything
Alice through hardship and waiting. And now, just she loved. We did have our moments, and God
when stability and security were around the corner did bless us in spite of my failings. But mostly, I
for Alice, I had to tell her the news of my cancer. gave her 26 years of unfulfilled promises, hard-
It was a cool bright sunny day in San Francisco. ship, and anxiety. My heart was smitten to ob-
We had taken the BART train to the city. Alice’s serve, that after all this, and especially after the
face shone flush from the hike up the hill on Jones news a mere two weeks ago, all that Alice cared
Street. She smiled in delight as we checked into a for was my comfort.
landmark century old building which is now Wyn-
ham Hotel. We dined at a quaint restaurant nearby. the danger of falling
We took the cable car to the Pier 39. We rode the
I realized that there are sentiments that can
bus to the shopping district. We took a ferry around
drown a man. I must take charge of my emo-
Alcatraz Island. We visited museums in Golden
tions, as I must subjugate the flesh to overcome
Gate Park. In the twenty-six years we lived in the
the physical pain. We must not lose ourselves
Bay Area, this was the first time that I toured San
in the maze of sentimentality that we construct.

59 60


Nostalgic longings can distort and depress our become seeds of disbelief.
mind and soul. Emotions must not take prece- The fear of the LORD is the beginning of
dence over our spiritual reference and orienta- knowledge .... Proverbs 1:7
tion. Especially at times like this, we must keep
our gaze fixed on Jesus. To stare inward to the When our curiosity is channeled, not by human
raw sentiments is to invite the waves of sadness pride and arrogance, but by the fear of the God,
and despair that can overrun our thoughts. We we are then given the proper perspective to
must not underestimate the power of emotions, observe the Universe as it was intended. When
for they will detract us even unto losing sight we are moved by the reverence and awe of God’s
of Christ. We must fight to keep our sentiments achievement, we each have the capacity to finally
under control when facing trials. comprehend the order of life that God has set in
motion from the beginning of his creation. Things
work according to the design He has spoken into
the order of life existence—unfathomably complex and beauti-
We are born with curiosity. How do things work ful. Thousands of years of man’s best effort to
as they do? Why bad things happen at the worst comprehend this universe amount to little more
moment, while evil people seem to prosper and than spotted discoveries of this order. Every
thrive under the same conditions? Is there an in- field of science to date is merely a structured
telligent God? If so, is he truly personal? Or is he documentation of these discoveries. What has
cold and impersonal? Are we humans mere chess man created on his own? Discoveries and applica-
pieces created for his amusement, to be thrown tions based on glimpses of God’s genius is what
aside when the game gets tiresome? Or, are we man so arrogantly claims as his own scientific
really products of accidents and are events of our achievements. In the early days, scientists were
lives mere series of accidents driven by a chaotic humble men, admirers of this order. But some-
jumble of factors? Where luck rules and dog eat where along the way, a group of men decided
dog and survival at all cost is the best world view to take God out of the picture, and sought to
to live by? Do people believe in God because He explain away their observations on probabili-
is real or because people in desperation want to? ties and twisted logic. When scientists were no
These are some of the questions that irritate and longer God-fearing men learning from nature the
torment us ever so persistently. If left unchecked, master’s design, this is when the entire discipline
these irritations turn into doubts, and doubts of science became something corrupt, queer,

61 62

s e n t i m e n ta l t i e s

and irrational, and formed a basis for an atheistic
religion of their own.
I often wonder what a marvelous thing learning
could be for a young mind if the teachers only
acknowledged God’s hand in all the creation.
Rather than observing crystalline structures as
cold minerals lining up in the direction of least
energy, or a leaf as a chimerical product of ac-
cidental bombardment of protoplasmic ooze over
millions of years, one could explain how the Mas-
ter designed these things from nothing, and in
His infinite wisdom, set all things in motion and in
balance which made life on earth possible. Every
element has a role, every feature or function has
a purpose, and what adventure we would have
as instructors and students both to wonder what
motivated the Creator to make this Universe so.

the creator and his creation
When I was young, I was filled with wonder of
what I saw in the world around me. How the
morning turned to day and the darkness of night
covered the earth as the moon and the stars
filled the sky. Then the morning with fresh air
and bright light unfailingly came again. How the
insects moved as I chased after them. How each
animal with its own unique features filled the
diversity of the life.

63

a lo n g t h e way

cruise. And this world is a boot camp, not the
land of milk and honey. This is where the lessons
are learned through the unfairness, hardship, and
evil that pervades this world. We are the children
of light in this dark world. Jesus said, be the light

What is Life?
and salt of this world. Why the light, unless the
world is dark? Why salt, unless the this world is
in need of cleansing and preserving? Our march
order is to go out and tell the world of the good
news. We are not here on earth to perfume the
sewers, but to rescue people out of it. This is not
the main stage where the judgements are given
life is a training camp and rewards are dispensed. Once we are born
I had many questions that bothered me through- we cannot get out of it. We cannot speed up or
out my life. Such questions like, why do the good slow down the process. We cannot jump back or
suffer while the evil prosper? Where is fairness leap forward in time. We are destined to finish
when a 24 year old son is taken from his mother the training until our graduation day. Then at the
in a blink of an eye, when a freak accident para- Beemer Seat, our grades will be given to us, and
lyzes a 19 year-old boy for life at a church retreat, we will receive our respective rewards, exactly
when a loving father and school teacher is struck according to what we deserve based on our per-
one day by multiple-sclerosis and confined to formance during the training.
the wheelchair for 10 years? If there is fairness When I realized this, my confusions, bitterness,
in this world, how can God allow these things to fears, and doubts disappeared. Boot camp is a
happen? Such questions are only a heart-beat place of training, not a retreat. What fairness and
away from other, more fearful questions: Is God creature-comfort can a trainee demand from a
real? Does God care? Does He really love us? Or drill sergeant? God’s eye’s are fixed on each of
is God only a figment of man’s imagination in his us—not to check up on how well we are cared for
search for a sense of security against death and or whether our accommodations meet our expec-
inexplicable fate of man? tations; but rather, on how we conduct ourselves
The questions vanished when I finally under- through each gauntlet of tests. His desire is for
stood that life is a training ground, not a pleasure us to grow in spirit; not in our taste for self-indul-
gence.

65 66

w h at i s l i f e?

His lessons and his tests are uniquely tailored for
each person. He will put me through the hard-
est test if that’s what it takes for me to learn an
essential lesson. He will put a child or a youth
through fast-track graduation path if one is born
ready. Or, for those of us who are slow learners,
He will patiently repeat a test as many times as
necessary until we learn the lesson. He never
pushes beyond our limit. Only for those who have
exceptional capacity to reach beyond common
endurance, he raises the bar so that his child can
partake of the most advanced lessons that he can
take. These are the martyrs—special witnesses
who through extraordinary faith and endurance
can glorify God in a unique way.
Viewed from this higher perspective, life is not
only fair, but demonstrates God’s divine, unde-
served care and interest for each of us. Our lives
are personalized programs uniquely suited for
our individual character and need. The goal of
each program is to produce in us, a perfect spirit
that God intended in man from the beginning.
A spirit that is in tune with God, a spirit that not
only recognizes and responds appropriately to
Gods love, but can impart love onto others, and
most importantly, a spirit of praise.

67

A battle ground,
not a play ground
what is death?
A passage to greater reality.

what i believe

why i believe

the word

what is scripture?
The most advanced information system with
extra-terrestrial origin.

69

Ray Parks book

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