Resident Advisor Guidebook

Cape
Town
Bing
Overseas
Studies
Program

P r o d u c e d
b y :
A m y
H e r b e r t s o n

E d i t e d
b y :
R A
S t a f f

Resident
Advisor
Guidebook

2

INTRODUCTION
Dear BOSP Cape Town Resident Advisor,
Welcome to Cape Town!
Congratulations and wishing you an amazing time in the beautiful Mother City!
This guidebook was created to share useful resources, timelines, and advice for all Cape
Town BOSP Resident Advisors. The motivation for creating this document was to
capture and transmit information so that RAs coming into Cape Town do not have to start
with a blank slate (ingenuity coupled with jetlag is exhausting), but can build off the
experiences of others. Additionally, it provides essential resources for those who have
not undergone RA training at Stanford.
As the RA, you will be navigating a delicate line between student and staff identity.
While this may prove challenging at times, it is also an enormous opportunity for insight
into both worlds and developing your aptitude for relationship management. The
information you will be communicating from both sides will be crucial for helping staff
and students create and run a successful program.
This is a living document that will expand as more and more RAs add information,
templates, and anecdotal stories. Perspectives from multiple RAs will serve to
demonstrate a variety of ways to handle similar situations as well as unpack the nuances
of responding to individuals or communities in different scenarios.
In light of that, please remember to add your own voice to this document at the end of
your experience. Be candid! Be honest! Express yourself! It will be very useful for the
next person coming into your position to have something to compare their experience to.
Good luck with everything! Remember to ask for help when you need it! I hope you
have an incredible experience and push yourself to expand beyond your comfort zone as
you simultaneously lead others in doing so.
Kind Regards,
Amy Herbertson – RA 2012
amy.herbertson@gmail.com

3

CONTENTS
I. Official RA Job Description
II. Pre-Preparation
A. RA Self-Preparation
B. Personal Assessment
C. Communications with Student Advisors, Orientation Coordinator, and
Cape Town Administrator
D. Communications with Students Pre-departure
E. Important General Resources (see appendix)
III. Once You Arrive
A. Setting the Tone: House Culture
B. Importance of the First House Meeting
C. Setting up Guidance for Students
D. Assessing Students/Assessing Group Dynamics
E. Setting up Expectations of Staff
F. Orientation
IV. The importance of communication
A. Different Relationships you will Navigate
B. Tools for Communication
V. Resources
A. Social Resources
B. Planning Social Activities
C. General Education Resources
D. Health and Safety Guides
E. Public Transportation
VI. Appendix

4

I. Official RA Job Description
Resident Advisor / Assistant to Head Administrator of Student Services
Bing Overseas Studies Program (Cape Town, South Africa)
DESCRIPTION/ PURPOSE:
The Resident Advisor (RA) is the key staff member for students' residential life in Cape
Town. She/he lives in the student residence and helps build a strong, healthy residential
learning community, which complements and extends to the students' classroom and
experiential learning. The RA is expected to do the following:
• Create a residential environment that enhances student academic progress and
success;
• To promote the intellectual and cultural life of the residence;
• To create opportunities for students to explore and clarify their interests, values and
attitudes;
• To build inclusive and reflective environments in which differences of background
and belief are explored;
• To provide personal and academic counseling and referral; to participate in and
help coordinate all program and house activities;
• To know and explain University and program policies;
• To be available to students, to encourage student responsibility and accountability,
and to assist the Academic and Student Affairs Administrator in program
planning in the office as required.
SCOPE:
This person is responsible for monitoring and managing student well being throughout
the program. From monitoring housing issues, building and maintenance, to co-habiting
and the social dynamics of student shared living. This person is also responsible for
supporting the Academic and Student Affairs Administrator in planning and executing
logistical and administrative arrangements in support of the program.
This person is the primary student services resource out of office hours, and will be on
duty 24 hours per day.
S/he a wide range of responsibilities. It is important to interact with an extensive variety
of constituents, and to exhibit professional conduct, expertise and creative problem
solving and discretion with highly confidential information. S/he must be able to work
well, both independently and collaboratively, with colleagues within the Centre, with
local Western Cape community members, with the Stanford home office, and with the
larger University as a whole.
This individual must be very flexible and creative in response to the ever-changing needs
and focus of the BOSP organization.

5

It will be useful to prepare before coming to Cape Town and jumping knee-deep into RA
responsibilities and the hectic Stanford schedule. While at home, plan some “reflection
time” and determine goals and motivations for your RA position as well as those related
to your personal life.
How would you define a GREAT Resident Advisor?
You have Stanford’s official definition of the roles and responsibilities of BOSP RAs and
that is a great starting place for understanding what it means to be a good RA. However,
you should personally decide what you will expect of yourself and how you will
communicate with others in order to manage and set expectations.
Being the RA is a unique experience- it is 24/7 and doesn’t have defined “on” and “off”
moments. It is also different than being an RA at Stanford where you would have your
own school life, friends, and concurrent RA staff who would understand your role and
stressors.
II. Pre-preparation
B. Personal Assessment
C. Communications with Student Advisors, Orientation Coordinator, and Cape Town
Administrator
E. Important General Resources (see appendix)
How
will
you
balance
your
identity
and
personal
life
with
your

responsibilities
as
the
RA?

Some
thought
questions:

• What
are
your
boundaries
for
how
you
will
engage
with
students?

What

are
you
willing
to
share
or
not
share
from
your
personal
life?
(Defining

these
boundaries
can
be
very
challenging
but
are
necessary)

• How
much
do
you
expect/want
to
hang
out
with
the
students
socially?

• How
will
you
set
a
good
example
for
students?

What
about
your
own

identity
must
you
examine
and
reassess?

• Will
you
set
specific
office
hours
for
communication?

6

How
will
you
use
your
own
personal
assets
to
support
students

studying
abroad?

Students
studying
abroad
will
be:

• Adjusting
to
living
in
a
different
country
and
context

• Adjusting
to
security
and
health
concerns

• Attempting
to
understand
and
immerse
themselves
in
different
cultures

• Questioning
and
examining
their
identities
in
terms
of
privilege

• Orienting
themselves
in
terms
of
spatial
understandings

• Making
new
friends
within
the
program
for
social
support
and
fun

• Trying
to
make
friends
outside
the
program
to
prevent
social
isolation
as
an

American

• Dating
locals
(or
trying
to)

• Maintaining
and
simultaneously
testing
their
identities
(experimenting)

• Testing
their
boundaries
and
trying
to
have
abroad
“adventures”

• Managing
friendships/relationships
and
responsibilities
on
campus
and
at
home

• Going
through
ordinary
Junior
year
stressors
(summer
plans,
applying
for

fellowships
and
positions,
senior
year
plans,
post-‐senior
year
planning)

• Managing
whatever
stressors
and
personal
issues
they
had
prior
to
coming
to

Cape
Town

Additionally, it is important to realize that you are the RA for an abroad program. While
most students will be juniors or seniors, they will need more support from the RA than
juniors and seniors on campus. It is probably comparable to being a freshman RA. Many
people will arrive in Cape Town and have very little idea of how to navigate the new
terrain. Likely you were a student who studied here for ten weeks a year or two ago so
you know what that feels like. It would be helpful to you to do some research before
coming back in order to re-familiarize yourself with Cape Town since often they will
expect you to have detailed and specific answers for their many questions. You must
manage their expectations concerning the limitations of your knowledge. As RA, it is
better to facilitate the students’ independence and encourage them to find their own niche
within Cape Town.
Studying abroad students will likely have stressors that you must identify and keep tabs
on. Keep in mind that students often bring with them various stressors 19-22 year olds
generally have. These stressors can be exacerbated given an unfamiliar context. Please
see the appendix at the end of this document which addresses some of these concerns.
Don’t worry though! For most people studying abroad, the unfamiliarity of where they
are will actually help them to gain different perspectives on their lives and will be an
incredible growing experience. Regardless of how students feel throughout the program,
likely, by the time they leave they will be incredibly grateful for the abroad experience
and what they learned from the city and various mentors. You get to be a part of that!

7

B. Personal-Assessment
It is important to be honest with yourself about what you personally want from this
experience. Supporting students studying abroad is fun and meaningful work, but I’m
sure that there was a personal draw as well. It is equally important that you get what
YOU want out of this experience and have a sense of personal fulfillment.
Think concretely about what you want from this experience. Besides the fact that
Stanford is awesome and Cape Town is beautiful, what else do you want from being in
South Africa and working as the RA? Why did you come back to Cape Town? What
will you have to accomplish or experience in order to return back to the United States
fulfilled?
You will not have a set schedule and in order to get the most out of the 5.5 months you
will be here, it is a good idea to create your own schedule and expectations. Pre-planning
before you arrive will help! Remember-orientation is intense and you don’t want to blink
and suddenly find yourself in Week 3 of the quarter making ad hoc decisions and
commitments that don’t fit with your overall goals.
Useful thought questions
1) Do you want to explore something in particular? Have you researched this ahead
of time so that you can ease into it once you are here? Should you use a timeline
or bucket list?
2) What makes you happy? Who makes you happy?
3) How do you plan to create a social life outside the Stanford program? (if that’s
your goal)
4) What are your personal, academic, even career interests and are there people
outside the Stanford program you can reach out to? In the Stanford program?
5) Would you like to do service-learning again or an internship? Do you want to do
it with a Stanford partner organization or an outside organization?
6) Will you want to fit auditing a class at Stanford or UCT into your schedule?
What are your expectations for yourself if you do this? What are the expectations
of the teacher?

8

Student Social Life vs Your Social Life
While you will definitely hang out with the students, you might not want to do the same
things they are doing. Remember they will be experiencing everything for the first time
“Long Street- LET’S GET CRAZY!!”- but it won’t be as novel for you. Also, most of
the students will be juniors whereas you have graduated. Those two years make a huge
difference- you will probably care about and want to talk about different things than the
students. (For example: once you graduate, who cares about the social dynamics of the
Row!?) Be prepared for this! There might be times when you feel lonely or at odds with
the group. Make sure to take care of your own social and emotional health! It’s
important to support yourself first so that you can support others also!
When making ANY commitment, ask yourself:
• Does this align with my most important personal goal?
• Will it enhance my ability to achieve and enjoy this goal or detract from it?
• Does it clash with my goal?
• Am I creating too many goals for myself?
• Do my goals/plans fit together or do they undermine each other?
How
comfortable
are
you
being
on
your
own?

What
measures

will
you
take
to
ensure
that
you
still
have
adequate
social

support?

Some suggestions:
1. Friendships and check-ins with staff
2. Joining a club and sticking with it.
3. Forming one-on-one relationships with students. This might be easier and
more fulfilling than trying to mesh with the group. Students are eager to
hang out with and get to know you! (Note: depending on the social dynamics
of the group, this might also be tricky. You don’t want to be seen as “taking
sides” with one student or a group of students, especially if there are tensions
within the group. This has to be done delicately and equally otherwise it
might damage your stance as a neutral party and you may lose the trust of
some students, impacting your ability to do your job well)
4. Become a regular at a coffee shop and make friends with the staff. It’s nice
when people know your name.
5. Couchsurfing.org (great for meeting people who are eager to hang out, guide,
help, internationals traveling.

9

C. Communications with Student Advisors, Orientation Coordinator
at Stanford, and BOSP Program Coordinator Cape Town
It is useful to stay in the know with where students are and what they are being told by
various parties. It will influence their expectations once they arrive. I suggest staying in
touch with student advisors and the Orientation Coordinator on campus. If you want
something specific mentioned at orientation, make note of it and ask them to do so.
Jen will keep in touch with you and ask you to do things as needed.
For the most part, you will not communicate with students before they arrive. Also, if
you are going to communicate, the Orientation Coordinator asks that you first get your
emails approved through her since BOSP would like to send a consistent message.
It is nice to send one HELLO email where you introduce yourself and offer yourself as a
resource before students arrive, just to make the initial meeting smoother for all.
E. General Resources
As an RA, there are some general resources you should become acquainted with. These
resources cover highly sensitive scenarios and situations that are talked about in RA
training on campus. Often there IS an appropriate way to respond to highly sensitive
situations and the way you respond as a “first responder” (from what you say to the
immediate actions you take) will be very important to setting the tone and procedure for
what happens, protecting the student, and ultimately influencing how the event is
remembered.
The resources compiled are listed in the Appendix section of this document and include
Stanford RA resources from campus RA Orientation.

10

III. Once You Arrive
A. Setting
the
Tone:
House
Culture

B. Importance
of
the
First
House
Meeting

C. Setting
up
Guidance
for
Students
(ex:
giving
out
applications)/conveying
your

timeline
of
check-‐ins)

D. Assessing
Students/Assessing
Group
Dynamics-‐
(pre-‐empting)/assessing

student-‐staff
relationships)

E. Setting
up
Expectations
of
Staff

(Setting
a
good
perception
of
staff)

F. Orientation

A. Setting the Tone: House Culture
Before anyone even arrives you can work to create the atmosphere that you want to set
for the house. Setting up an environment that is conducive to positive community living
and learning is an important part of your role.
Some ideas:
Decorating the walls: You could theme the residence like the dorms on Stanford. These
will both provide color to fill the white walls and also can be educational.
(Neighborhoods of Cape Town? Historic Events? Important People?)
A welcome home sign: It’s such a nice thing to arrive to when dropped off from the
airport! And in general!
Calendar: It’s nice to have all three months up on the wall so that students have an idea of
how time is moving and when important events are coming up.
Push-pin boards with information: Activities. Good clubs and bars. Good Restaurants.
Good Museums. Important Events (ex: Two Oceans Marathon, Carnival). Interesting
Websites and Blogs. Free internet locations map? A section for peer to peer advice on
Cape Town discoveries.
Push-pin boards for Announcements and Communications: A centrally understood area
(perhaps above where the food is served) where it is understood that important
announcements are posted and where students can write comments and communicate
house issues. (See resource in communications section)
Condoms: Please put condoms in all the bathrooms around the residence to encourage
safe and responsible sex.
B. Importance of the First House Meeting
The first house meeting sets the precedence for the quarter. It demonstrates how you will
interact with the students as an authority figure, a mentor, and a confidant. It is a chance

11

for you to express what you expect from them individually and as a group of adults as
well as the standards you expect in the communal living situation you are leading. It also
defines your role as an intermediary to the staff in terms of communicating needs and
wants from both sides.
How’s It Going: It’s good to start off meetings with small “How’s it going” questions-
just to get a handle on the vibe of the house. If you earn the student’s trust enough that
they give honest feedback- these reflections might be very interesting and will also be
good to bring back to staff meetings. It also frames it so that the students realize they
have an option to speak at these meetings: the meetings are not just about you speaking
AT them and communicating information. They are also an opportunity for the students
to voice their recommendations and be able to influence how the program responds to
concerns.
Logistics: A good time to get logistical things out of the way: collecting forms, housing
deposits, etc. Also: a good time to explain how you will communicate with students
about logistical things. Will you send around sign-up sheets at house meetings? Will
you send out google documents?
Safety and Security: At the first house meeting it is important to establish with the
students guidelines for safety and security. This should include their responsibilities for
keeping the residence secure as well as what is necessary for them to be safe individually
and in group settings. Much of the necessary information you should cover can be
sourced from other program documents.
10 weeks! Living with Intention: This is a good time to remind students that they have
10 weeks in Cape Town get what they personally are looking for from the experience!
The program plans many events for them but students are also responsible for taking
initiative and working to create for themselves the adventures and educational journey
that they seek.
My Role as your RA: This will be a good time to communicate with students how you
will interact with them as the RA. You can harken back to your personal reflections
section here: (What are your boundaries? How can you set and manage expectations?
Are you comfortable also being a PHE?)
C. Setting up Guidance for Students
This is a good opportunity to introduce how you will help to guide students and facilitate
the experience that they want.
Giving out applications: An idea that I tried (Amy) that worked well was printing the
essay part of each person’s application and giving them their individual essays. The
students seemed to really appreciate it, since they had applied months before and
forgotten the reasons they listed for why they wanted to come and the objectives they set

12

for themselves. This helps with establishing personal responsibility for their Cape Town
experience and also gives them an opportunity to reflect during the program and after on
what they experience in relation to what they expected to experience.
Conveying your timeline of check-ins: It is difficult to keep track of student health
individually (mental, emotional, social, ect) if you only interact with students in a group
setting. It is important to find time throughout the quarter to have individual check-ins
with students formally and informally. (See appendix for example formal check-in with
students)
Office Hours: Will you have office hours at the Stanford Center? During certain times in
the residence?
Check-‐in
Questions:
Week
4
or
5

You
should
meet
with
every
student
individually
around
week
4
or
5
to
check-‐in
with

them
and
see
how
they
are
doing.

It
is
sometimes
difficult
to
assess
individual
students

when
you
mostly
interact
with
the
group
and
some
fall
under
the
radar.

These
are

examples
of
very
poignant
questions
meant
to
get
to
the
heart
of
how
each
student
is

doing
emotionally
and
socially
through
the
different
aspects
of
their
experience.

By

this
period
in
the
quarter,
they
are
more
settled
into
Cape
Town,
becoming
more

independent,
have
built
a
trusting
relationship
with
you
(hopefully),
and
yet
there
is

still
time
for
you
to
impact
and
enhance
their
experience
if
it
is
not
going
as
they

like/or
if
it
is
but
they
seek/need
more
guidance.

Also,
it
is
a
good
time
to
work
on

their
time
management
and
help
them
plan
for
finals
so
that
they
don’t
get

overwhelmed/feel
as
if
they
are
losing
precious
last
days
in
Cape
Town
since
they

didn’t
start
work
early
enough.

1. How’s
it
going
overall?

2. How
are
classes?

3. How
is
service?

4. How
do
you
feel
you
are
integrating
into
Cape
Town?

5. How
do
you
feel
you
are
integrating
into
the
group?

6. Do
you
find
it
difficult
to
meet
locals?

7. Is
this
what
you
expected
from
the
program?

Are
you
happy?

Do
you
wish

you
could
do
more
of
something
and
don’t
know
how?

What
will
make
you

happier?

8. How
are
you
in
terms
of
emotional,
social,
physical
health?

9. What
do
you
predict
will
be
your
stressors
in
the
coming
weeks?
How
do
you

plan
to
mitigate
this?

10. Are
you
worried
about
midterms
and
finals
and
balancing
that
with
having
a

social
life?

11. What
can
I
do,
as
your
RA,
to
help
you
get
what
you
want
out
of
this

experience?

13

D. Assessing Students/Assessing Group Dynamics
In the first few days after arrival, it is good to do a general assessment of student
personalities, needs, and group dynamics. It will be useful if you can pre-empt any
problems or foresee where students will need to be supported in the coming weeks. It is
also a good time to assess student-staff relationships and see where they are strong and
weak. You might want to respond to some of these assessments early on.
E. Setting up Expectations of Staff
You have the ability to influence how students view everyone on staff and their
relationships with staff members. It is useful to establish a good perception and
expectations of staff from the beginning. Make sure to always promote and support that
staff is attentive to student needs, receptive to ideas, very approachable, and cares!
F. Orientation
Orientation is going to be rough for students. It is long and usually the days are hot and
sticky (especially on the bus). Students will be jetlagged and falling asleep sometimes.
As a super awesome RA, you can brew morning coffee and bring light snacks for the bus.
(Think gum/chips). A spray bottle would also be an awesome idea!

14

A. Different Relationships you will Navigate:
One of the most important functions as the RA is to build, mediate, and manage
relationships between several different parties for general communication purposes and
for conflict resolution. It is necessary to maintain positive, trusting relationships with
everyone involved in the program. This is a lot of pressure and it requires tons of initial
input to build relationships, but in the end, will actually make performing your job easier.
In mediating and managing relationships, here are a few suggestions:
1) Treat all parties with respect.
2) Use the art of persuasion to convince, not your authority to demand
3) Maintain a positive viewpoint of everything, even if you have to fake it.
4) Empathize. Compromise. Remember you are “on everybody’s side” ;)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The primary relationships you will have to negotiate include:
Staff will ask you to communicate with students often- that is, after all, one of the
primary reasons that you are living in the house with everyone. When communicating
with students, it is incredibly important to demonstrate to them that you respect their
opinions as adults and are willing to listen and communicate with staff on their behalf.
Students (20, 21, 22 Juniors and Seniors mostly) are aware that you are only a year older
than them and if you try to take on the RA position from a purely authoritarian position, it
is likely that they will lose respect for you, won’t communicate their needs with you, and
probably won’t like you- making your home environment hostile and your job difficult.
Sometimes staff will ask you to communicate and encourage students to do things they
don’t necessarily want to hear/do. It is important in these instances to approach the
situation with finesse to avoid resentment. At the same time, it is necessarily to
remember that you have a job to perform and you have to convince them to do what staff
needs/wants them to do. If you approach things with a sense of humor, and use the art of
persuasion to convince them that whatever you are conveying is ACTUALLY an
incredible experience for them (not an obligation, and even if it is mandatory- not
“mandatory” but an “opportunity”, you will have the most luck.)
It is also often necessarily to hold a strong firm line- especially when it comes to issues of
appropriate and respectful behavior. Students have to take you seriously. But in general,
IV. The importance of communication
A. Different Relationships you will Navigate
Staff
çè
Students

15

if you respect them, they will respect you. If you hold high expectations for them and
expect them to meet those expectations they likely will.
On the other hand, these are not necessarily adults and they will depend on you often for
communicating their needs and wants to staff. Listen for this. They may ask you to set
up a meeting with Tim or Jen about something, or to report an anonymous complaint. It
is sometimes obvious and direct statements, but it is sometimes “reading between the
lines” or overhearing their inter-group talk. It is important for you to do this aspect of
your job well, otherwise the staff might never hear their opinions, since they may not be
bold enough to address the issue with staff. It is important to always assure students that
their ideas are valued and measures are being taken to find compromises or solutions.
This will create a positive vibe and positive culture in the house.
Students will sometimes have concerns about minor house maintenance issues (lightbulb
out, etc) and you should take initiative to communicate and manage these issues with the
landlords (Annemarie and David). Larger concerns (internet constantly down,
waterheater broken) should also be reported to Jen.
The staff will often ask you to keep track of progress on larger maintenance projects and
sometimes to be around the house so that maintenance workers can get in and out of
rooms. The landlords and staff usually communicate directly about the progress of these
projects.
It is important that you communicate with students about large maintenance projects as
well as progress on their requests, completing the feedback loop. Sometimes it may take
a few weeks to fix certain maintenance problems and communicating with students about
timelines to expect and why they should expect them demonstrates respect for their
concerns and will keep them from becoming frustrated.
It is also useful to hold the landlords as well as yourself accountable by displaying the
maintenance requests on a public forum in the residence. One way is to keep posted a
record of requests and when the requests were first made and when they are completed.
David really appreciates seeing this on the wall because it helps him keep track of his
work. See template below (you can print a blank template and students can handwrite
their requests).
This record should also be kept as an electronic file (excel or Google docs) and
communicated with the landlord, students, and Stanford staff weekly. Students check
this regularly to see if their requests have been received and are being dealt with.
Another important job function will be maintaining student relationships with the
household staff (Mama Z, Patrick). They are wonderful people and if you show through
Students/Staff
çè
Household
Staff/Landlord/Caterer

16

your actions that students can and should feel comfortable interacting with them, you will
enrich the experiences of everyone!
There will be times when you must mediate the relationship of one student to a group of
students. These situations will often arise when one student is not adjusting well to
communal living and may be making other students uncomfortable by overstepping or
disrespecting boundaries. Students will report to you on this issue and often ask you to
deal with it. It is best to set up a meeting between the parties and to let them sort it out
themselves as adults rather than try to “discipline” the individual student, though
sometimes this individual “talking-to” may be necessary.
Sometimes there will be individual disagreements between students or cliques of
students. You do not have to become involved in these disagreements. They are natural
and it is best to let them be and evolve as they may. Your sole job should be to make
sure that whatever tensions exist do not affect the house culture too much or make other,
uninvolved students uncomfortable. You should always re-emphasize the importance of
respect in communal living and communicating within the residence.
One
Student
çè
Group
of
Students

One
Student
çè
One
Student

Group
of
Students
çè
Group
of
Students

17

-‐ Keeping track of receipts if students spend money on group activities and
reimbursements needed
-‐ Sourcing interest on group outings

Sometimes it will be necessary to take individual students aside and to talk to them if
they appear to be maladjusted. In this case, try to approach the situation with empathy
and openness, since they may be going through something you do not understand on first
appearance. It is best to try and build their trust so that you can continue to communicate
with them throughout the quarter. Don’t assume students will ask you for help. They will
ask you for help only if they trust you. That’s why initial input into the relationship is so
important.
Google Documents, Doodles, and Survey Monkeys are a good way to communicate with
students. However, important information should also be physically posted around the
residence (ex: Hashing Schedule – students can sign up online but this definitely should
also be posted for convenience).
They are useful for:
-‐ Signing up for individual appointments with RA
-‐ Sharing phone numbers and individual emails
-‐ Student input on cultural events
-‐ Signing up for hashing (also allows for some autonomy since students can choose
the schedule they prefer)
-‐ Signing up for jobs during Special Dinner and other group activities
-‐ Communicating dinner menu requests with caterer
-‐ Anonymous feedback
-‐-‐EXCERPT
FROM
STANFORD
RA
TRAINING
GUIDES-‐-‐

Here
are
some
things
to
consider:

1.
Plan

a.
Consult
with
Jen

b.
Know
resources/referral
options
going
in.
What
you
want
to
talk
about.

2.
Location/Time

a.
Private
(you
should
turn
your
cell
off
or
put
on
vibrate)

b.
Lowest
chance
of
interruption

3.
Level
of
Concern

a.
Need
to
convey
concern
but
not
make
it
an
intervention

b.
Important
to
be
non-‐judgmental

The
goal
of
this
kind
of
encounter
is
to
make
sure
the
resident
is
OK,
and
if
s/he
is

not,
to
support
them
and
connect
them
to
resources.
After
talking
with
the

resident,
three
things
should
have
happened.
One,
you
should
know
you
care
and

are
there
for
them;
two,
you
should
know
options
for
resources
and
referral

regarding
whatever
is
going
on;
and
three,
you
should
know
that
you
are
going
to

follow
up
with
them.

18

A. Social Resources
Students will appreciate if you provide them with some useful resources for finding out
about social events and general happenings in Cape Town during their time here. If you
are really nice, you can even send them a weekly email of your curated RA highlights.
Some useful online resources include:
Cape Town Magazine
Thunda
The Next 48 Hours
Computicket
Gumtree
Stanford traditions should not fall by the way-side just because we are in Cape Town!
Some great in-house social events you can plan include:
Special Dinner: It’s a nice beginning of the quarter bonding experience! Students take
charge and cook! Everyone gets super excited! Your theme can be South African! A
chance to invite staff and faculty over as guests! Woohoo! What’s not to love?
Progressives: Again- students love it. Low work input from you besides setting the date.
Midnight breakfast: It would be MUCH appreciated during Finals. Needs a bit of pre-
planning though.
Braiing: Hopefully students will take this initiative themselves. But if not- YOU MUST
BECOME THE BRAAI MASTER!
Try to keep up to date with UCT’s public lectures:
http://www.uct.ac.za/calendar/events/seminars/
V. Resources
A. Social Resources

19

Good news links to keep up with and send to students occasionally:
Mail and Guardian
Cape Argus
Daily Maverick
Cape Times
The Health and Safety Guides can be edited in Adobe Photoshop.
Cape Town
By Minibus: (Fare: R6 to town)
o Get on the minibus from Main Road.
o Make sure you are standing on the side closest to Pick and Pay.
o On your return trip, take the Mowbray or Wynburg minibus from the main terminal
point. (where you were dropped off)
o Ask to be dropped off at Pick and Pay Observatory on your way home.
By Train: (Fare: R7 to town)
o Check the train schedule before you go to the station.
o Make sure you buy the metroplus ticket (aka 1st class)
o Get off where the track ends (simple!)
o When returning home, buy a ticket for Observatory.
o Make sure you look out the window for the Observatory sign, since there are no
announcements. The immediate stops before you reach Observatory are —.
By My Citi bus: (Fare: R–)
o The My Citi bus is a new service by the City of Cape Town. The main terminal is
near the Civic Center.
o The Gardens-Civic Center-Waterfront route will take you around the Central City.

20

University of Cape Town
By Jammie Shuttle: (Fare: FREE!)
o Jammie Shuttles run regularly during the week and will pick up about every 20
minutes.
o The most convenient Jammie Shuttle to take to campus is near the UCT medical
school on Bowden Road. (up the road from Pick and Pay). There will be a bus stop
area.
o When coming home, take Jammie Shuttles labeled Medical School, Rodchester, or
Obs on Main/Obs Square. This will drop you off where you were picked up (near the
Medical School).
Waterfront
By Minibus: (Fare: R–)
o Take the minibus to Cape Town
o On the side of the train station where there is an open square/behind the Civic center,
you can get on a minibus towards the Waterfront.
o As you walk down Strand Street, there should also be a place you can get on the
minibus (near Woolworths)
near the Civic Center
o The Gardens-Civic Center-Waterfront route will take you past the Waterfront.
Rondebosch
o Hop on the minibus on the far side of Pick and Pay (you are going the opposite
direction that you would go if you are heading towards the city)
o Ask to be dropped off at the Rondebosch Pick and Pay

21

Claremont
By Minibus: (Fare: R8)
o Hop on the minibus on the far side of Pick and Pay (you are going the opposite
direction that you would go if you are heading towards the city)
o Ask if the minibus is going towards Claremont/Wynburg because not all minibuses
heading that direction will pass through Claremont.
o Ask to be dropped off at Cavendish Square (where you can go shopping!)
Camp’s Bay
o At the main terminal point, get on the minibus heading towards Camp’s Bay.
o Ask to be dropped off at Camp’s Bay
Clifton 4
o Ask to be dropped off at Clifton 4th
Simon’s Town
By Train: (Fare: R–)
o Buy a ticket for Simon’s Town. When returning home, buy a ticket for Observatory.
o When returning from Simon’s Town, try not to take the last train. Sometimes
(especially on hot days) trains are very full and you might not be able to fit on the
train. Taking a taxi back from Simon’s Town would be VERY expensive.

22

Muizenberg
o Buy a ticket for Simon’s Town. (Muizenberg is a few stops before Simon’s Town,
which is the end of the line) When returning home, buy a ticket for Observatory.
o When returning from Muizenberg, try not to take the last train. Sometimes
(especially on hot days) trains are very full and you might not be able to fit on the
train. Taking a taxi back from Muizenberg would be VERY expensive.
Kalk Bay
o Buy a ticket for Simon’s Town. (Kalk Bay is a few stops before Simon’s Town,
which is the end of the line) When returning home, buy a ticket for Observatory.
o When returning from Kalk Bay, try not to take the last train. Sometimes (especially
on hot days) trains are very full and you might not be able to fit on the train. Taking
a taxi back from Kalk Bay would be VERY expensive.
Hout Bay
o (I think this is possible but I am not sure where they pick up)

23

Greenpoint
o Ask to be dropped off at Greenpoint
Pssshh a cool place to explore is the Urban Park built for the World Cup. It’s near the
Stadium.
near the Civic Center
o The Gardens-Civic Center-Waterfront route will take you past Greenpoint.
Seapoint
o Ask to be dropped off at Seapoint
Stellenbosch
By Train: (Fare: R22)
o Take a taxi to the Salt River train station. From there, buy a train ticket towards
Stellenbosch.
o The train station lets off on Adam Tas Street on the western edge of Stellenbosch and
is only a few minutes walk from the city center. (Wikipedia)
o When returning home, buy a ticket for Salt River and then take a taxi back to
Observatory.
o When returning from Stellenbosch, try not to take the last train in case there are any
problems. Taking a taxi back from Stellenbosch would be VERY expensive.

24

o Make sure you look out the window for the Salt River sign, since there are no
announcements.
Northern Suburbs
near the Civic Center.

25

* The following pages include recommended resources that would begin to shape a
comprehensive appendix. This is a working document so please edit and add to it as
you see fit.
Here is what is currently included:
1. Strategic Persuasion
2. Social Identities
3. The Mediation Process
4. Culture Shock
5. Reflections on Group Formation
6. Observing Behaviors
7. Managing Emotions
8. Sexual Assault and Relationship Abuse
Here is what might be useful to find additional resources on:
1. Alcohol and Drug Abuse
2. Stress Management
3. Wellness and Health
4. Mental Health
5. Sexual Health
6. Depression and Suicide Risk
7. LGBT Identity
8. Responding to a Victim of Crime (A Residential Break-In or Mugging)
APPENDIX

26

Weapons of Influence (From our trusty friend Wikipedia)
§ Reciprocity - People tend to return a favor.
§ Commitment – People are likely to honor commitments.
§ Social Proof - People will do things that they see other people are doing.
§ Authority - People will tend to obey authority figures.
§ Liking - People are easily persuaded by other people whom they like.
§ Scarcity - Perceived scarcity will generate demand.
Four-step approach to strategic persuasion
• Step 1: Survey your situation
Analyze your situation, goals, and challenges.
• Step 2: Confront the five barriers
Five obstacles pose the greatest risks to a successful influence encounter:
o Relationships (What is the strength of your relationships with those you
are hoping to persuade?)
o Credibility (Have you built up enough credibility?)
o Communication mismatches (Are you clearly conveying your message?
Are you managing expectations?)
o Belief systems (
o Interest and needs (What are the spoken and unspoken
• Step 3: Make your pitch
People need a solid reason to justify a decision, yet at the same time many
decisions are made on the basis of intuition. This step also deals with presentation
skills.
• Step 4: Secure your commitments
In order to safeguard the longtime success of a persuasive decision, it is vital to
deal with politics at both the individual and organizational level.

29

Culture Shock
Culture can best be compared to an iceberg: Just as an iceberg has a visible section above
the waterline, and a larger invisible section below the waterline, culture has some aspects
that are observable and others that can only be suspected, imagined, or intuited. This
hidden part of culture is vital to how people all over the world operate, however largely
unconscious and usually not articulated.
Phases of culture shock
Culture shock as a process of adjusting to a foreign culture is said to follow a so-called
U-Curve model by Oberg, which comprises four main stages.
1) The Honeymoon Stage - the initial stage of elation and optimism is where the
individual will overlook minor problems and look forward to learning new things.
Cultural differences are seen as charming and merely the positive aspects of this different
culture are identified. This phase can last from a few days to about six weeks. The
individual can be described as interested, curious and open-minded and is ready to accept
the situation during this first stage.
2) Culture Shock Stage - This stage begins when the individual begins to view the new
surroundings in a less idealistic and more realistic way and therefore also seeing the
negative aspects of the host country. This period is characterized by irritability,
frustration, and confusion. Especially the differences in language can present a huge
barrier, as well as different values, beliefs or symbols of the host country to one’s home

30

country. The individual finds himself in a situation of disappointment or rejection of the
new culture as a result of the discrepancy between expectations and reality. The term
“culture shock” for this stage is rather misleading, as it suggests an impact with a single
cause. It is in fact a result of a simmering reaction to a succession of minor events which
are difficult to identity.
3) Adjustment or Recovery – “The turning point.” During this stage the individual returns
home or gains understanding and adjust to the local culture. The adjustment to the host
country is thought to evolve through acquiring greater knowledge of the local culture and
language. More interaction simultaneously increases the likelihood of shared
understandings, providing a greater sense of predictability and control while reducing
‘we-they’ stereotypes and perceiving cultural similarities.
4) Mastery - This stage can best be described as one of integration. The individual
recognizes that the new culture has much to offer and develops a sense of dual cultural
identity (biculturalism). The individual accepts the new culture, feels integrated and even
absorbs the habits of the new society, which in return makes him feel secure in his
position.

31

Causes of culture shock

32

Culture shocked individuals experience culture shock in different way and forms and
therefore display diverse symptoms. Is there any influence on whether or not culture
shock occurs? Why does it occur in the first place? What are the strongest influences and
criteria of culture shock?
Three categories that may cause cultural shock, and that influence its length and intensity
are:
Cultural differences – the quality, quantity and length of culture shock seems to be a
function of the differences between the home and the host culture.
Individual differences – There are major differences between individuals and their
capability to deal with social situations. Especially their demographic and psychographic
make-up poses a difference at this point.
Sojourn experiences – How an individual deals with culture shock and how he adapts to a
new culture, depends on his intercultural experiences, especially with the host culture
(cultural briefings, language training, ‘suggested’ readings)
One of the main factors that influence culture shock is the inability to communicate with
the local culture as well as lack of knowledge about the host country. Having to express
oneself in another language means learning to adopt someone else’s reference frame.
Language can help during the socio-cultural adjustment process, as it makes interactions
with locals easier and prevents misunderstandings and "faux-pas".
Actions against culture shock
What can we do to prevent culture shock or to ease its effects? How can culture shocked
internationals assimilate more easily? And how can expatriates help themselves and each
other? How can we use the advantages of cultural diversity?
Competencies for adjusting to living and working internationally
• Interpersonal skills: Crucial skills that facilitate the transfer of knowledge, and improve
coordination and control, establishing relationships, and building trust allows
people to tap into critical information
• Linguistic ability: helps establish contact especially “bits of conversational currency”
(local expressions, information, and interests.)
• Motivation to live abroad (cultural curiosity): key ingredient to a successful adaption of
expatriates, genuine interest in other cultures and new experiences.
• Tolerance for uncertainty and ambiguity: circumstances change unexpectedly,
behaviour and reactions of locals unpredictable, acknowledging that uncertainty
and ambiguity exist (not everything is straight forward but multiple perspectives
possible).
• Patience and respect: respect towards the new culture without benchmarking it against
the home culture, instead trying to understand local reasons for the way things
happen.
• Cultural empathy: appreciating thoughts, feelings, and experiences of others, focused

33

listeners and non-judgemental approach.
• Strong sense of self (or ego strength): a healthy narcissism necessary to allow inter-
action with another culture without fear of losing one’s own identity, enabling the
expatriate to be self-critical and open to feedback.
• Sense of humour: important as a coping mechanism and for relationship building, and
to buffer frustration, uncertainty and confusion.
(NEED SOME INFORMATION ON REVERSE CULTURE SHOCK!)
Reflection on Group Formation
There are several different models of group formation, but the one that is most pertinent
to your work as RAs was developed by Tuckman and Jensen.
The Four Stages of Group Formation:
Forming
Participants are most concerned with the identity and attributes they are sharing with the
group. There is a lot of focus on how they will be perceived by others.
Storming
Participants are most concerned with the amount of control or influence they have within
the living environment. This can be formal – being elected to a position or informal –
when I share my opinions, people listen to me.
Norming
Participants are most concerned with stability and maintaining the roles people have
within the group.
Performing
Participants are most concerned with the group’s identity and ability to achieve its goals.
This may occur during planned events – community service projects or social events

34

Observing Behaviors
Behaviors that Build and Maintain Functionality and Discussion
• Encouraging: being friendly, warm, responsive to others; accepting others and
their contributions, regarding others by giving them an opportunity to contribute.
• Expressing Feelings: sensing and expressing the feeling of the group; calling
attention to reactions of the group to ideas.
• Compromising: compromising when your own idea or status is involved in a
conflict; admitting error, controlling oneself to maintain group cohesion.
• Harmonizing: attempting to reconcile disagreements, reducing tension, getting
people to explore their differences.
• Gate-Keeping: attempting to keep communication channels open; facilitating the
participation of others; suggesting procedures for sharing the discussion of group
problems.
• Setting Standards: expressing a standard for the group to achieve; applying
standards in evaluating group functioning and production.
• Testing Consensus: asking for opinions to find out if group is near a decision;
sending up a trial balloon to test possible group conclusions.
• Following: going along with the movement of the group; serving as an interested
audience.
• Clarifying: Explaining when necessary an item that was not clearly heard.
Behaviors that Help Complete Tasks
• Initiating: proposing tasks or goals; defining a group problem, suggesting a
procedure or idea for solving a problem.
• Seeking Information: requesting facts; seeking relevant information about a group
concerns. (Information should also be confirmed- students sometimes exaggerate)
• Giving Information: offering facts; providing relevant information about group
concerns.
• Seeking Opinions: asking for the expression of feeling; soliciting the expression
of values; seeking suggestions and ideas.
• Giving Opinions: stating a belief about a matter before the group gives
suggestions and ideas.
• Clarifying: interpreting ideas and suggestions; clearing up confusion; defining
terms; offering alternative and issues before the group; listening closely is
implied.
• Elaborating: giving examples; developing meanings; making generalizations,
indicating how a proposal might work out, if adopted.
• Summarizing: pulling together related ideas; restating suggestions after the group
has discussed them; offering a decision or conclusion for the group to accept or
reject. Listening closely is implied.

35

Behaviors that Inhibit Functioning & Discussion (Not Comprehensive)
• Blocking: attempting to stop any action the group agrees on. Disagreeing when
members begin to agree.
• Pleading Special Interests: constantly bringing up your own cause and trying to
make it part of the group’s goals.
• Goofing Off: continually cracking jokes and drawing attention to yourself.
• Not Participating: not saying or doing anything. Just being a body in attendance.
• Confessing Yourself: continually relating a personal story, or often not relating to
the current topic. Another means of drawing attention.
• Seeking Recognition: Participating solely in an effort to gain recognition of your
ideas/accomplishments.
Managing Emotions Handout
Emotions can be cued by verbal and non-verbal behaviors, but they are often left
unspoken. They "seem to be there but you have to consider that they may not be there, or
that the speaker may not be ready or willing to discuss them. It is not usually appropriate
to listen to/explore emotional content early on in a relationship. Yet, you can always be
supportive of another person's emotional experience and be attuned to their emotional
state, by using active listening skills. Be respectful of other people's emotions. Do not
explore emotions that are not ready to be expressed and do not ignore emotions that need
to be acknowledged.
Moreover, we all have to learn to manage our own emotions, especially as RAs. Self-
reflection is important.
Ideally and with practice, when experiencing a strong emotion, you will be able to:
• Stop: take a moment to register your emotions and the intensity with which you
are feeling them.
• Act: it's ok to verbalize your emotions and to explore them.
• Analyze: understanding why you are feeling strongly about something is
difficult. Sometimes we react strongly to one thing, when we really are thinking
about/reacting to something else entirely.
• Reflect: take the time to explore how have you handled this emotion in the past
and how you would like to handle it.
It is common for us to be more comfortable expressing certain emotions over others.
Some of us find if easy to express anger, rather than fear. Others are comfortable
expressing happiness, but never sadness. Taking the time to understand ourselves
emotionally helps us connect with others in an authentic way. It is also empowering to
learn how to manage your emotions, instead of feeling like you have no control over
them. Ask yourself: Did I handle it the way I wanted to, this time?
There's no "simple" approach to managing emotions. Some have had more practice than
others with this skill. Also, it is common for us to experience the same emotion, over and

36

over, until we gain a better understanding of it and the function it plays in our lives. Some
people use anger to camouflage fear, for example. Other people use infatuation, or
romantic feelings, to cover up feelings of loneliness or alienation. Be mindful of your
emotions and the impact the have on those around you. But, accept that this is no simple
task.
SEXUAL ASSUALT:
If someone you know tells you that they have been sexually assaulted, the first thing you can do to help is to believe
them. Listen, provide comfort, and help to ensure their safety. Understand that the impact of sexual assault goes much
deeper than the physical effects. While your first reaction may be to contact police, consider the individual’s thoughts
and feelings, and allow them to make this decision when and if they are ready to do so. Encourage the individual to
seek medical attention, which may be necessary to care for physical injuries or to try to protect them from sexually
transmitted diseases and/or pregnancy.
Finally, reinforce with the individual that they are not to blame no matter what they did, how they behaved or what
they wore.
Many of the clients I assist realize that none of the people they approach for help mean to be unhelpful or
unsupportive; they just didn’t know what to do, or what to say.
Discouraged, awash with guilt and feeling disconnected from the very people she turned to for help, her feelings of
isolation and vulnerability grew. She felt so much shame and embarrassment, how could she tell a stranger when she
found it difficult to tell her loved ones?

37

Common Emotional Feelings
There is no single way a person will react after being sexually assaulted. The following are
some of the possible reactions people may experience however each individual will react
differently according to their own personal situation.
Shock and Disbelief
- I can't believe this has happened to me.
- I can't stop crying.
- I want to cry but I can't.
- I feel so shaky and restless.
- I feel so numb/cold.
- Why am I so calm?
- This doesn't feel real.
- I feel like I'm outside myself watching this.
Confusion and Disorganization
- I can't concentrate.
- I can't make a decision about anything.
- I can usually do this easily but not now.
- I don't know what I should do.
- I don't know where to turn.
Fear
- I'm afraid. He could have killed me.
- What if I see him again?
- What if I contracted a disease?
- What if I'm never "normal" again?
- What if other people find out?
- What will my family think? My partner? My friends?
Depression
- I'll never get over this. It's hopeless.
- How can I go on?
- I feel so tired all the time.
- I don't want to see anyone.
- I don't enjoy anything. I'm bored.
- I deserve to be punished. I'm bad.
- I'm having so many nightmares. I can't sleep.
- I'm eating all the time/I don't feel like eating anything.
Anxiety
- I'm so jittery. Everything startles me.
- My muscles are always twitching.
- I can't relax.
- I feel faint.
- I have hot and cold flashes.
- I feel nauseous (sick).
- I have diarrhea all the time.
- I feel like I have to be aware of everything around me.
Shame and Loss of Self-esteem
- I feel dirty and soiled.
- I feel used, useless, and worthless.
- Everybody hates me.
- I'm no good.
- I can't do anything right.
- I'm a terrible person.
- I can never let anyone know.

38

Guilt
- It's my fault
- I should have known better.
- I never should have been there.
- I must have done something to cause it.
- Maybe it was what I was wearing.
Anger
- I hate him/her.
- I hate all men.
- I hate everybody.
- I hate myself.
- Someone should have been there to stop it.
- Where were the police?
- Why doesn't everybody just leave me alone?
You do not have to remain immobilized by your feelings.
When you are ready, you can take back control of your life.
You may want the help of family, friends, and/or professional counselling.

39

How can family
and friends support
a sexual assault
survivor?
The manner in which family and friends react to a sexual assault can have a significant impact on the
survivor's recovery.
Some family and friends will react in a positive and supportive manner and, therefore, help to minimize the
psychological impact of the sexual assault. Others inadvertently contribute to the survivor's sense of stress.
Here are some guidelines for helping someone you know recover from sexual assault.
DO:
Listen
Let the survivor talk. She may begin in a rush of words, or may
have a great deal of difficulty saying anything at all, so be patient.
Let the survivor tell what happened in her own words, at her own
pace.
Believe
One of the greatest fears of many survivors is that they will not be
believed. Accept what you are hearing.
Comfort
Try to calm the survivor down if she is agitated, but do so in a
soothing - not disapproving - manner. She may want to be held if
crying, or may not want to be touched at all. Check first.
Reassure
Reassure the survivor that you care. Allow her to talk out feelings
but reinforce that the sexual assault was not her fault.
Provide Support and Help
Drive the survivor to appointments or baby-sit in order to enable
her to meet with lawyers, police, and counsellors.
Remain Available
In the weeks and months following the sexual assault, reassure the
survivor that she can turn to you whenever necessary. Then, when
she does, give your time and attention.
Accept the Survivor's Feelings
Your friend's recovery period may last a long time, during which
moods and reactions may change radically from one day to the
next. Learn about sexual assault recovery so that you'll know what
to expect. Share this material with the survivor.
If You Are The Victim's Partner
With her approval, do use appropriate touching and language to
re-establish her feelings of worth. Gentle touching that she feels in
control of will help the survivor to understand that your connection
together is unbroken. Let the survivor decide what and when
sexual activity should begin again. Do not pressure.
Let The Survivor Make Decisions
Help the survivor to organize her thoughts, but make her own
decisions. The survivor needs to regain a sense of control and
competence.
Get Help For Yourself
You may need to talk with someone other than the survivor to
discuss your feelings about the sexual assault and its aftermath.
By getting help yourself, you may be able to help your loved one
more effectively.

40

DO NOT:
- Blame your loved one.
- Describe your loved one as "damaged", "soiled", or "devalued" in
any way.
- Withdraw or pretend the sexual assault did not happen.
- Pressure your loved one to talk if she doesn't want to.
- Direct your anger and frustration at your loved one. The survivor
is not to blame, and neither are you.
- Take over the survivor's life, or become over-protective.
- View the survivor as weak if she seeks counselling to assist in
recovery.
- Label the survivor's feelings as "wrong" or "bad".
(RAPE CAN HAPPEN TO MEN)

41

WHAT IS A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP?
A healthy relationship is characterized by mutual respect, equality, trust, communication
and freedom. Each person is allowed to be an individual within the relationship. Both
people grow independently of each other as well as grow as a couple.
WHAT IS AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?
Relationship abuse is a pattern of behaviors used to maintain power and control over a
partner. Abuse can be emotional, financial, sexual or physical and can include threats,
isolation or intimidation.
FACT: AT LEAST ONE IN THREE WOMEN WILL HAVE BEEN ABUSED IN HER
LIFETIME.*
They are people we know and people we care about. Relationship abuse happens to
people of all ethnicities, in both gay and straight relationships. However, according to the
U.S. Bureau of Justice 2003 Statistics Crime Data Brief, intimate partner violence is
primarily committed against women.
HOW TO HELP A FRIEND:
· Listen, without judging. Be there to support her.
· Tell her that the abuse is not her fault. There is no excuse for abusive behavior and it is
never acceptable.
· Empower her to make her own decisions. Don’t be another person to control her.
· Get advice and direct her to resources.
MYTH: RELATIONSHIP ABUSE DOESN’T HAPPEN TO STANFORD STUDENTS.
FACT: Between 2000-2007, there were 152 reports of relationship abuse at Stanford.
According to the American Bar Association, 28% of female students on college
campuses experience relationship abuse. The U.S. Dept. of Justice has estimated that
only 38% of relationship abuse incidents are reported. And even if it was only one report
every year, that would still be one report too many.

42

QUESTIONS TO IDENTIFY RELATIONSHIP ABUSE:
• Do you feel nervous around your partner?
• Do you have to be careful to control your behavior to avoid your partner’s anger?
• Do you feel pressured by your partner when it comes to sex?
• Are you scared of disagreeing with your partner?
• Does your partner criticize you, or humiliate you in front of other people?
• Is your partner always checking up or questioning you about what you do without your
partner?
• Does your partner repeatedly and wrongly accuse you of seeing or flirting with other
people?
• Does your partner tell you that if you changed, he or she wouldn’t treat you like this?
• Does your partner’s jealousy stop you from seeing friends or family?
• Does your partner make you feel like you are stupid or crazy?
• Has your partner ever scared you with violence or threatening behavior?
• Does your partner prevent you from going out or doing things you want to do?
• Has your partner said “I will kill myself if you break up with me” or “I will hurt/kill
you if you break up with me”?
• Does your partner make excuses for the abusive behavior? For example: saying, “it’s
because of alcohol or drugs”, or because “I can’t control my temper”, or “ I was just
joking”?
Possible Responses
Approaching a friend/resident about relationship abuse can be difficult, but
showing that you care can make a huge difference. If you think your friend is being
abused, talk about it. The following are some statements and questions you can say to
help your friend work through what s/he is feeling.
Listen. Let your friend know you care. You don't have to be an expert. You just need to
be there.
· I’m really concerned…
· It sounds like your partner is being really controlling…Do you feel like you can be
yourself?
· I just want to make sure you’re safe…Do you feel safe right now?
· I want you to know that this isn’t your fault…
· You don’t deserve to be treated like this…
· That sounds like it would be really difficult to deal with…
· Thank you for sharing this with me…I know it must be really hard to talk about this…
· I’m just going to give you some resources in case…
· I want you to know that no matter what you decide to do, I’m here for you.
Remember: Change doesn’t happen right away! The most important thing you can
do is provide resources and be available.

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