The document summarizes a short horror story pitch and provides feedback on how to improve various elements of the story. The pitch involves two school friends, Marie and Johnny, who sneak away to the science lab after school and get intimate, but are then locked in when the lights go out. It's revealed the next day that they died in a suspicious fire. The feedback focuses on character development, showing physical affection between Marie and Johnny believably, and how to film scenes where the lights go out while still showing the action.

1. Our First Pitch & Feedback

2. The First Pitch. (PLOT POINT) Our story starts when, one night after school Marie and Johnny, two school friends who have always had eyes for each other (CHARACTER MOTIVATION) , slip away to the science labs and have started to get a bit too close (NARRATIVE DEVELOPMENT) . However, Marie starts to worry thinking her high-school boyfriend Alfie will find out, (LOGICAL CAUSALITY) . She knows he will go insane (MARIE’S CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT) so she suggests to Johnny they make a move. As they retreat Johnny finds they have been locked in (PLOT TWIST) . Marie thinks he is messing with her until he starts to panic (JOHNN’YS CHARACTER DEVELOPMENT) and shakes the door. Suddenly the lights black out, they trays of the lab start shaking, and the taps slowly begin to drip (THEMATIC UNITY FOR THE HORROR GENRE) . The couple start to be become more and more curious as Johnny swears he hears footsteps.

4. Feedback From The First Pitch. How did your story link towards your theme colour red? Our story linked in with the colour red firstly through the theme of lust and sexuality. This is shown in the relationship between Marie and Johnny’s characters. The fire that takes place is also key to our “red” theme. Also, the aggression and anger of Alfie’s character and his motivation to seek revenge also expresses our “red” theme.

5. How do your characters develop throughout the story? Even though there are three characters in our film, the only character will really see develop is Alfie. The story seems to be about Marie and Johnny at first yet as the plot unfolds we realise it is Alfie’s character seeking his revenge. His jealousy has caused him to act this way, and his obsessive love for Marie and insecurities drive him to start the fire.

6. During the flashback are you going to show Marie and Johnny together? In the flashback we will see Marie and Johnny together so the audience gets an insight to how their relationship progresses. We will show them walking to class together for example or talking in the playground a little flirtatiously, so the fling is a prompted idea for the audience yet not a definite.

7. Is there going to be character motivation for Alfie’s character? In Alfie’s background he has been lied to and betrayed before so he feels like he can trust no one. We show this through the way he acts towards Marie. He is jealous of the attention she gets from other boys, especially Johnny as he knows he’s a flirt. He see’s Johnny’s flirtatious action towards Marie, like always making a beeline for her as an example, and this angers his insecurities causing his jealous actions.

8. During the flashback are you going to show the audience how Alfie’s character finds out about the secret love fling and how will you do this? Like said before we will show shots of Marie and Alfie walking to class together etc, and then a shot of Alfie looking on to suggest he suspects something. Through his frustrated body language and facial expression we can see his anger boiling up. We could then show him finding a letter from Johnny in Marie’s bag or texts from him on her phone.

9. How are you going to be able to get your cast members to show the physical affection that Marie and Johnny share? To show the physical affection between these two characters we decided it would be more able to achieve if we cast a couple who are already in a relationship as there wouldn’t be no awkwardness for them to film. If not, casting actors who are willing and confident in a very slight “touchy” scene. However, if we can’t find actors who are comfortable to film this we will use dialogue to show a flirtatious sexual element to their relationship.

10. How are you going to give audience insight into characters personality and background? The key to showing Alfie’s character will be through the flashbacks as his jealousy will show the motivation for his actions. We get an insight to Marie’s character in the opening scene when she is talking to Johnny about Alfie’s possessiveness. From this we learn of her need for independence and some freedom, as her cheating shows her rebellious side towards Alfie. Johnny’s character is seen as womanising and moral-less through the way he acts towards Marie, showing his selfishness, suggesting he is used to getting his own way.

11. When filming the scene where lights blackout how are you going to still film in the dark and be able to show audience the action is still taking place? As the scene is filmed after school there will still be some natural daylight, so the blinds can be opened. If there is not enough light to see the action then we will add to the scene that the lights only trips out for a minute or two and then comes back on.

12. Is there enough dialogue between Johnny and Marie in the first scene to show scene progressing and action taking place? We don’t have enough dialogue in the opening scene to show the style of Johnny and Marie’s relationship. The dialogue we add in this scene could be for Marie to tell Johnny about Alfie’s pyhsco ways and how it affects her. However, we will not get to in depth as we don’t want to use too much dialogue and keep the story simple.