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  1. 1. 01371600My Place?<br />Breathless phone laughter <br />Makes me gag<br />You remind me of a <br />Friend I had<br />I told myself it was because you’re<br />Good<br />And now I realise I<br />Misunderstood.<br />Naivety doesn’t even cover it<br />Stupidity is to loose a term<br />I’m left helpless<br />An alien emotion<br />That isn’t accepted<br />Without a stomach churn.<br />So you let him win<br />So you let him go on<br />You announce the faults<br />Then turn with a smile<br />You give him all he ever wanted<br />Now with no ties<br />And you think it’s ‘sorted’.<br />So the lies then mean nothing<br />Will you let the dirt be your shroud?<br />When you say it’s no big deal<br />Flash your well-executed frown<br />And your silent screaming’s are<br />No longer subtle or well meaning<br />They’re pitiful and way past<br />The wake up call you deny<br />Yourself with every agreement<br />Every forgiveness, every time you<br />Push it down.<br />If I’m the pot, boiling, bubbling<br />What does that make you?<br />Who do you think you’re fooling?<br />(11.7.00)<br />Into the…<br />He haunted me <br />With his melody<br />A sad tune<br />Only for the dark.<br />He told me<br />This one is for you<br />And this is for the <br />Dark.<br />Under the stars<br />He wept so long<br />He cried too hard<br />He sang his song into the dark.<br />The lonely night sky<br />Gave a chilling sigh<br />The moon crept behind <br />A cloud.<br />The last I heard from him<br />The last I saw his face<br />Smiling back<br />Into the dark<br />(29.12.00)<br />The Paranormal<br />Wake me<br />When the day is over<br />So I can pretend<br />It’s the beginning for me.<br />You know the truth<br />No one else need know<br />This is the end for me<br />This is the end.<br />But for now<br />We keep walking<br />And we don’t turn back<br />Put your hand in mine<br />My private ghost<br />We can pretend<br />That we are the same<br />And I’ll whisper to you<br />Smiling<br />Once<br />In a while<br />And in the rain<br />We’ll stand<br />So I can tell you<br />That this is the end<br />(29.12.00)<br />There for the taking<br />So here I am<br />I take it quietly<br />I take it all<br />I’m on my own<br />And I take it all<br />I’ll even smile<br />As I silently drown<br />I put up my hand<br />Surrender, no frown<br />Quietly<br />Without a sound.<br />I’m on my own<br />My rescue is fiction<br />My shield is suffering<br />A contradiction.<br />As they lean<br />I protect myself<br />I stand strong<br />And bite my tongue<br />I can take it all<br />I know I can<br />I’ve been trained well<br />I know the drill<br />Close your eyes<br />Breathe in deep<br />Don’t utter a word<br />Your voice you keep.<br />So here I am<br />I can take it all<br />I’ll make them proud<br />That well timed grin<br />The perfect shroud.<br />(1.2.01)<br />Christmas Tune<br />A cracked bauble under her feet<br />Bled to death beneath the tree<br />You told me to cease with my dreams<br />Only because I eat too much cheese<br />A broken arm on the roof<br />Pretending to be Santa wasn’t fool proof<br />And I didn’t laugh, I tell the truth<br />But I only did because of you<br />Who stole Christmas? Who took it away?<br />I used to enjoy this one day<br />Now I’m gloomy all the way<br />So much so, I have nothing to say<br />I bury my head in a mince pie<br />I drink so much I could die<br />I close my eyes and pretend I can fly<br />I laugh so much, I can’t help but cry.<br />(Dec 2000)<br />The Colours<br />Out the window I see a black cloud staring at me<br />And I don’t care as the rain falls<br />‘Cos I’m safe inside<br />In here I can hide<br />From all that is real<br />And even when I stare for too long<br />And a tearing at my heart begins<br />I can close my eyes<br />Listening to the water dripping onto the sill<br />So still<br />I can sit<br />And my mind can wander<br />To futures so rosy<br />My future so bright<br />Sunshine and oceans<br />And millions of stars that shine at night<br />Take me away I want to say<br />From all this grey<br />I demand it today of all days<br />But yeah, I know I must stay<br />For a little while longer<br />A prisoner of this room<br />And its monotonous hold.<br />(unknown date, possibly 2000)<br />One more day<br />Clock watching<br />My new hobby<br />Born of frustration<br />The powerless sitting<br />And sitting<br />Day after day<br />Dreaming and remembering<br />That memory isn’t the ally<br />I was led to believe it was<br />It haunts me<br />It jokes and taunts and me<br />For I remember all<br />I used to do<br />All I’ve said to you<br />Even thinking of your face<br />Your voice<br />Your beautiful body<br />Doesn’t serve to soothe<br />It just goes to prove<br />That I do myself<br />No favours<br />In daydreaming<br />In looking out of the window<br />And thinking<br />Of our future together<br />The future that lies<br />Balancing<br />Precariously<br />Rocking between<br />Ifs and buts and the<br />Dreaded when<br />And optimism is <br />Fought all to easily<br />By salty tears<br />And garden rain<br />They force me to retire<br />And sit still again.<br />(unknown date, possibly 2000)<br />Regression<br />There’s a man in the road <br />At four fifteen<br />Just because I laid eyes on him<br />Doesn’t mean he was there.<br />There are two theatres in my head<br />But I haven’t seen too much<br />I haven’t seen enough<br />Of the second act.<br />You haven’t seen it<br />So you say<br />And I will laugh until my wings<br />Fall off.<br />So now you stay<br />There is nothing to fear<br />And nothing to doubt and nothing at all<br />To shout about.<br />So why all this then?<br />Why are my thoughts<br />Mis-timed? Ill-advised? <br />So very naive?<br />I can’t be alone<br />But I can’t be with you<br />And how come each time<br />I’m always in the wrong?<br />I’m not a child<br />I’m not a child<br />You are the thief<br />I’ll credit you with that.<br />Give me back my <br />Stage and lights<br />The sex you stole from me<br />Is mine.<br />The image in my head becomes<br />Brief reality<br />Even now I I know it’s a mistake<br />So why all this then?<br />The scratching in my head, I do it to forget<br />But the drama in my lungs and the coldness in my speech<br />Is a fault all of my own<br />And I’ll cry until my eyes fall out.<br />But there’s a man on the roof<br />And I saw him jump off<br />He gave e warning<br />As he vanished into the dark.<br />I didn’t hear it all<br />I know what he means<br />Have I seen too much?<br />I haven’t looked enough.<br />So now you say<br />There is no reason to smile<br />And no reason to hate<br />Nothing to enjoy and nothing to find.<br />Yes I know it’s all wrong<br />My thoughts are wrong<br />The shaking of my head<br />Tells me I am wrong.<br />(26.12.10)<br />The lesson<br />My head in my hands<br />You know what this means<br />It’s not what it seems<br />You idiot<br />You idiot<br />You’ve done it again<br />When you repeat it<br />To yourself<br />And you say<br />I’ll not make a<br />Mistake<br />No, not again<br />But you<br />Do it<br />Anyway<br />And I think I knew I would<br />And I think I though I should<br />Just to confirm<br />That I have no control<br />And just to confirm <br />That<br />I never grow up<br />You’re just the same<br />But you expect<br />It all on a plate<br />But as times change<br />I know<br />I do not<br />And it’s comfortable<br />Embarrassing<br />That my limits are<br />Clear<br />You idiot<br />Don’t you ever<br />Learn <br />You idiot<br />Look at their <br />Lives<br />They have a real life<br />And<br />You’ve done it again<br />(26.12.10)<br />