This document contains several personal essays and reflections by Jessica Antonio about coping with the suicide of her father. In the first essay, she recounts receiving calls from her sisters saying her father was missing and later learning he had taken his own life. She describes struggling with denial, anger, depression and wishing she could call him to share her accomplishments. In subsequent pieces, she offers advice on overcoming grief through crying, talking about feelings, getting outside, taking time and celebrating life. The final essay is addressed directly to her late father.

1. To my father:
Steven Antonio
R.I.P. 03/07/2012

2. Steven Robert Antonio
He was the son of Robert and Nancy
Antonio and the brother of Kim, Karla, and
Scott Antonio. They lived in Connecticut.
He was mischievous and rebellious in his
youth. He moved to Florida to work in
transportation, and he met my mother.
They married in 1989, and they had their
first daughter in 1990. Within 3 more
years, they had 2 more girls. He loved to
take his girls camping and teach them how
to water ski. He loved being involved with
their school and helping in any way that
he could. He had many friends because of
his humorous personality, but he also had
quite a temper. He missed his Northern
roots and moved his family to North
Carolina. As the years went by, he fell out
of love and divorced his wife. He then
moved to Asheville in an apartment
downtown. He lived the single life, and he
spent time with his girls every so often. He
would travel a lot and spend time with
friends as well. He loved going to his
parents’ cabin in Maine and having his
girls there as well. He had a passion for
the wilderness and was always outdoors.
He lived his life to make others happy, and
he will be missed by many.

5. A New Meaning of Pain
I remember that day so vividly. My
boyfriend and I were traveling to Ohio to
visit his family for spring break. We
were only a few hours away, driving
through the green hills of West Virginia,
when I got a worried call from my
younger sister, “Jessi, Dad is missing.”
“What do you mean he is missing?” I
asked. “No one knows where he is and
we can’t get a hold of him,” stated my
sister. “Well I’m sure he just went
camping or hiking. He always goes off
on his own in the wilderness,” I said. I
got off the phone with my mind at ease. I
knew my dad, and I was sure he was
fine, but I could not have been more
mistaken. A little while later I got
another call from my older sister. Her
voice was weak and filled with fear,
“Something bad has happened. You need
to come home right now.” “Daniella, I
can’t come home we are almost there.
What are you talking about?” I asked.
“Mom is going to call you soon, but
come home.” She told me.

6. A New Meaning of Pain
When I got off the phone, I felt a
deep heaviness on my chest. Time
seemed to stop until I got the next call.
My mom told me that they had found my
dad asphyxiated in his car. He had killed
himself. They had found him on that
Wednesday, but they thought he had died
on Sunday. I had so many questions, but
she could not answer them for me. The
rest of the trip was filled with the sound
of my sobs and an endlessly runny nose.
I kept re-thinking the last time I talked to
my dad. We did not have the best
relationship, but we usually talked once
a week. He had called me on Friday,
right before I went to a concert for my
birthday. The conversation was normal
but brief because he wanted me to have
fun with my friends, but when I think
back to it now, I can hear the sadness in
his voice. Why didn’t I ask him if he was
okay? How I wish I could go back in
time. Tuesday was my birthday, and I did
not hear from him. I did not think much
of it because my dad was never good at
remembering birthdays. Now I know
why he did not call.

7. A New Meaning of Pain
The next months were a struggle. I felt
myself going through some of the stages of
grief: denial, anger, depression. It did not
feel real. You hear about people committing
suicide, but it is not supposed to happen to
you. I couldn’t grasp the fact that he was
really gone. There would be days when I
wanted to just pick up the phone and call
him. Even now when I accomplish
something great, I wish I could call him just
to hear how proud of me he would be. I
would also be filled with rage. How could
he do this to us? How could he willingly
choose to leave us? I can’t forgive him for
what he did. He left us nothing but a note
saying he was sorry. We have no
explanation or reason why, and I think this
is why it is so hard to be at peace. I did not
know how to be happy. I would lie in bed all
day, and I would listen to the songs that
reminded me of him. I found myself crying
at every memory that reminded me of him
or when I saw girls spending time with their
fathers. I was even jealous of people I knew
who had lost their fathers to sickness or
accidents because at least their fathers did
not choose their fate. Mine did.

8. A New Meaning of
Pain
I have never before known this
kind of pain. This pain is not
something that goes away. It is always
there, waiting to make me crumble. I
try to push it away by focusing on
everything else around me, but it
reappears without warning as all the
memories come rushing back. It has
taken part of me, and I can’t seem to
remember who I was before it
appeared. The happiness that I used to
know is hiding in the darkness. All I
can do is keep pushing forward and
keep looking for a way to find
closure, a way to find myself.

9. 5 Steps to Overcome
a Death
1. Cry: Believe it or not, crying
does help. It gets out all of
the bottled up emotions
and pain. Cry as much as
you can. I would always cry
whenever I was alone, and
just getting those tears out
made me feel so much
better.

10. 5 Steps to Overcome
a Death
2. Talk about it: I learned that
talking about your feelings
is very helpful in healing.
Whether it is talking to a
friend, yourself, or writing it
down, physically
manifesting those thoughts
are key. It will also clear
your mind and put you at
ease.

11. 5 Steps to Overcome
a Death
3. Get up and out: Getting
out of bed and out of the
house is the best way to
heal. I learned this the hard
way. I wanted to stay in bed
all day and feel sorry for
myself, but I felt so much
better when I went out
with friends or spent time
outside. The world has a
way of healing your pain.

12. 5 Steps to Overcome
a Death
4. Take your time: Grieving is
a process, and to me it is a
never-ending one. There is
not a set amount of time
allotted for grieving, so
don’t rush it. Each of us
heals in our own way in our
own time.

13. 5 Steps to Overcome
a Death
5. Celebrate life: Although
being sad is part of death,
happiness should be too.
Remember the good times
and cherish the moments
you spent with the one you
lost. Be thankful for having
that person in your life and
all the smiles they brought
you.

14. Daddy’s Girl

15. Life
We have been given this beautiful
gift. This gift called life. We are only
given one, and we never know how
much time we have to use it. What I
have learned is to not take a single day
for granted. Cherish the moments you
have, and do not forget them. Tell the
people you care about how you feel
because you might not get a chance to
tomorrow. Love with all your power.
Make other people happy. Support a
cause. Do not be afraid to chase your
dreams, and do not be afraid to fail.
Failing is only what happens when you
don’t try. Reconnect with your faith.
Travel the world, and learn new
things. Fall in love as much as possible.
This life is all we have, so don’t take it
for granted.

16. Dear Dad

17. About the Author
I am Jessica Antonio. I am a Senior at UNC
Charlotte, and soon I will be an elementary school
teacher. I love playing soccer and coaching. I am a
Spanish minor, and I love traveling all over the
world and learning about different cultures.
I did this project in order to gain closure and
express my feelings over the death of my father. It
is dedicated to him. The intended audience is my
family to help them find peace.