KILLING US, DRIVING US CRAZY

KILLING US,
DRIVING US CRAZY
The experience of LGBTI people from faith backgrounds
Anthony Venn-Brown
Founder and CEO
Ambassadors & Bridge Builders International
Health in Difference 2018
© Anthony Venn-Brown www.abbi.org.au

Collection of data:
1. Yahoo ex-ex-gay group (400)
2. A Life of Unlearning (lost count)
3. Freedom2b (1,000)

A systematic review of 850 studies on the
relationship between religion and mental health
done by Moreira-Almeida, Neto, and Koenig
(2006) found that individuals who were more
religiously involved tended to have positive
associations with psychological wellbeing
indicators such as overall satisfaction with life,
happiness, and confidence. Additionally, those
individuals experienced less depression, suicidal
thoughts and behaviour, and drug use/abuse.

For LGBTI people from faith backgrounds it’s the opposite
1. Mental health issues caused by a number of factors
2. Serious attempts to change over extended period of time
3. Heterosexually married
4. Self destructive behaviours e.g. substance abuse, unsafe sex
5. Obsessive behaviours
6. Struggle to find their place in the LGBTI community
7. Some have an additional cultural layer to deal with
8. Experience intense cognitive dissonance
9. Some still believe they are going to hell
10. Long term impact of internalised homophobia
11. Serious thoughts of suicide
12. Suicide attempts

1.Mental health issues caused by a number of factors
‘It wasn't till the start of last year I was diagnosed with
depression. Everything fell apart, and I began to go less and
less to church. And then February this year I was diagnosed
with Bipolar. There are so many of us trapped, sure my case is
different but my Bipolar I believe came from years of being
told how bad I was by Christians.’ (Shane 33)
‘I never entertained the thought that I might be gay, I was so
convinced that was a sin (demonic even) so I struggled through
life suffering from depression from about age 14 without really
knowing why.’ (Female 39 – Salvation Army)

2. Serious attempts to change – over extended period
of time
‘It's taken me the last 10 years to accept myself and find a
relationship with God again. My family was very strict
Pentecostal family and we went to church weekly. My father
was a preacher there who has very strict views on gay people.
I clearly remember being about 10 or 11 and him saying that
"God hates gay people. What they do is wrong" Imagine my
shock when I finally worked out what was "wrong" with me. I
was 19 and diagnosed with depression. Everything was going
down hill and nothing I did seemed to make it better. I fasted, I
prayed like crazy and even had people casting demons out of
me.....but nothing seemed to work.’ (Lesbian 29)

3. Heterosexually married
‘This was my sure fire way out of this whole homosexuality
trap. All I needed was to get married and that would finally
take away all of these attractions and desires I had battled for
so long. Almost a year to the date we first met, we were
married. She was 18, I was 20. At last my battle was over, this
wall would never fail. Looking back I can see how foolish I was.
The crazy part is, at the time, I thought I was doing the right
thing. That I actually was straight, that I could never be gay. It
just wasn’t possible! I was a Christian!’ (Male – former
worship leader)

4. Self destructive behaviours
‘I had already left the church and since God hated me and I
was going to hell anyway, I decided to do everything that was
wrong and enjoy what time I had. I had nothing to lose.
Became alcoholic, drug addict, multiple car accidents and was
many times in mental hospitals for depression.’ (Gay male)
‘I was exorcised, prayed for and attended ex-gay programs but
I only felt more worthless as my sexuality didn't change. I then
came crashing into the gay scene in the mid 90's being
extremely promiscuous and reckless.....leading to an HIV+
diagnosis in 1996.’ (Ian 36 – UK)

5. Obsessive behaviours
I’ve had years of severe depression, 3 suicide attempts and
becoming totally addicted to internet porn and acting on my sexual
desires in deviant and compulsive ways….. (Bruno)
One month before we were to be married I started to feel like I
needed to act on the urge to be with guys again. I tried stopping it
and I couldn't control it. I began using Gay Beats a lot. (Gay male)
All this time I continued to have anonymous sexual encounters,
spent hours looking at gay porn on the internet. Occasionally my
wife caught me, and we would pray about it, I would "repent", and
a few months later I'd be back at it. (Gay male 40)

6. Struggle to find their place in the LGBTI community
Also now that I’m out of the closest I feel more alone now
more than ever, I don’t have any gay friends, never had a
boyfriend, never been kissed, never been loved, and when I
was in the closest I didn't have to worry about those things, I
had my Christian friends and that's where it ended. Now that
I'm out of the closet there is this BIG gap missing in my life…
and I'm filling this gap in a very bad way, but I cant talk about
it because.. well I can't… its complicated. (Gay male 22)

7. Additional cultural layer to deal with
‘Then one day, my mum called me, she told me she found out I was
gay by checking my email account, through the gay emails. I
received an air-ticket, telling me to go back to Hong Kong the next
day, I had no choice, I had to go back, without a chance of saying
goodbye to my friends. in Hong Kong, I was isolated from everyone
in Australia, I was arranged to see a psychiatrist, who begin to talk
me into being straight again. Dad and mum drilled me daily how I
should not do anything that is against human nature, how I
brought shame to the family etc. My parents decide to send me to
Beijing in February 2007, to an exchange program to further isolate
me, with my dad threatening to jail me if I meet any gay person
there.’ (Joey – early 20s – Hong Kong)

8. Intense cognitive dissonance
I became very scarred as I had always heard both in Church
and in society that homosexuality was not normal . I listened
to comments of how sick homosexuality was and even the
minister at my Church said that he would not allow an
homosexual to worship in our congregation. I felt really afraid.
I prayed and asked and believed that God would change my
thoughts and desires but nothing happened. As the years
went by all erotic thoughts that came into my mind were that
of a gay nature. I was constantly living under fear and guilt. I
was convinced that God had abandoned me and I was going to
be sent to hell. I almost had several nervous breakdowns,
finding it difficult even to work at times.

9. Some still believed they were going to hell
‘I thought my life was complete. I had a nice home, gorgeous
partner I was madly in love with, kids, pool, dog, car, good job
– the lot. I felt like I was in heaven, but in my heart I believed I
would pay for it by going to hell eventually.’ (Gay male)
‘My deepest, darkest more kept secret is that I am truly
PETRIFIED of dying alone, and in some wee recess in the back
of mind is telling me that it is God punishing me for being gay!’
(Gay male Christian)

10. Long term impact
‘It is a decade long story from the age of 18 to 29, I am now 46. The
real damage surfaced after I left the church; the break happened
because my parents had me committed to a psychiatric hospital for
fear that I was going to kill myself. I have battled alcoholism and
severe post traumatic stress disorder. In 2011 I was deemed totally
and permanently disabled as a result of ongoing psychological
trauma and have had to give up my career in the Public Service. I
am now on a disability pension paid by my superannuation fund.
When I slept I had the worst nightmares and when I was awake I
suffered flashbacks that were debilitating. Overcoming the self
hatred, fear and anger has proven to be very difficult. I have started
to experience periods of peace but it has taken 17 years and a
truckload of counselling and medication.’ (Steve -46)

11. Serious and regular thoughts of suicide
‘I too have battled suicide although I never attempted it. I
struggled with constant suicidal thoughts from year 7 to year
11. Even though I had accepted myself as gay by year 9 and
10. I still wanted to kill myself in order to get other people to
know how badly I was hurting.’
‘I began self harming, binge eat then stick my fingers down my
throat only to bring it up again. As 2005 came to an end I was
slipping further into a deep depression. I became suicidal and
those thoughts ruled much of what I did.’ (Scott 18)

12. Suicide
‘I just wanted you to know that you are an inspiration to me.
Reading A Life of Unlearning assisted my mental health and
acceptance for myself in a tangible way. I used to be on six
antipsychotic drugs and now I'm only on one mild
antidepressant. Thank you. It truly did help. I've always been
taught that God hates me. I made a lot of friends in conversion
therapy. Out of forty, only six are still alive (one died naturally,
the rest suicide.) Your book gave me hope and let me see a
truer Christ.’ Matt - USA

Our response
1.See this as priority
2.Understand the resource
3.Research
4.Training
5.Encourage faith spaces

Ambassadors & Bridge Builders
International
• Articles
• Audio resources
• Videos
• Training – seminars and workshops
• Consultancy services
www.abbi.org.au
info@abbi.org.au

KILLING US, DRIVING US CRAZY

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