This document provides guidance on how to effectively communicate with a loved one who has borderline personality disorder (BPD) when they are experiencing intense emotions. It introduces the I-AM-MAD skill which involves: (1) identifying the emotion, (2) asking a validating question, (3) making a validating statement, (4) making a normalizing statement, (5) analyzing consequences, and (6) not solving the problem for them. The goal is to validate the person's feelings, make them feel understood, and empower them to solve problems themselves rather than trying to fix it for them.

1. I – AM – MADA skill to learn when you’re a loved one of someone with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)By Bon Dobbs

2. When you are in a relationship with someone with BPD, it can be confusing. It sometimes feels as if you’re navigating a maze-game and one false move or word causes an explosion of rage. People sometimes describe it as “walking on eggshells.”

3. BPD is chiefly an emotional regulation disorder. While there are other aspects to the disorder, the emotional system of a person with BPD is easily upset. A person with BPD will react strongly and with negative emotions to triggers, real or perceived, in the environment. The biggest trigger of these emotions is interpersonal relationship events.

4. A person with BPD has a more sensitive emotional alarm system than others do. It is as if your alarm is set at 80° F and theirs is set at 50° F. Their alarm goes off more often than yours. Yet, they still feel as if the alarm is real, even if it seems like a “false alarm” to you.

5. A person with BPD will usually react naturally to the emotions that they feel. Sometimes you might feel as though the reaction is an over-reaction. However, it is “normal” if a person is feeling a strong emotion.Normal/Natural Emotional Reactions

6. The “carousel” of BPD includes emotional dysregulation, shame, impulsivity and a preoccupation with attachment relationships. Each feature can increase the “velocity” of the others, causing rage, desperation and depression.

7. If you’re anything like me (or like I was before I started down a path to healing), you’re a “fixer”. You want problems solved immediately. Yet, the piece of the puzzle that you’ve been missing is that emotional problems are not solvable using logic.

8. In fact, an emotional person doesn’t really WANT you to solve the problem. They want to be HEARD. They want someone to understand how they feel. They become frustrated with you when you offer advice or invalidate their emotional reactions. This presentation will teach you a simple skill to stop invalidating how they feel.

9. First, a few things NOT to do when your loved one comes to you in a highly emotional state. Do NOT:

10. Do NOT:

11. OK, so what am I supposed to do?Understand that your loved one is feeling something. That feeling is real and unpleasant. The problem is not that they are “irrational” or the “content” of the issue. The problem is that they feel bad. Empathize with the person. See the world through their current emotional eyes.

12. Then, use the I-AM-MAD emotional communication skill.I – identify that there’s an emotionA – ask a validating questionM – make a validating statementM – make a normalizing statementA – analyze consequencesD – don’t solve the problem

13. I – identify that there’s an emotionIt's best to do this with "feeling" words, like "look", "see", or "sound", rather than “know" or "understand”. Examples: “I see that you are frustrated.”“You sound aggravated.” “You look really upset.”

14. A – ask a validating questionThis encourages them to share their feelings about whatever triggered them. Do not use “what’s wrong?” If you use "what's wrong?" they will hear "what's wrong with YOU?"Examples:“What happened?” (most effective because it is open-ended, requires more than yes/no answer)“Did something go wrong at work [school] today?”“Want to talk about it?”

15. M – make a validating statementValidate the feelings expressed. This helps reinforce that it is natural and valid to feel what they are feeling in the situation. Don’t defend against blaming or projecting. Examples:"Wow, it must have made you feel hurt." "Yes, it is frustrating when it seems that someone is taking advantage of you." "Yeah, that's really disappointing."

16. M – make a normalizing statementBy relating the situation as common to all people or “normal” for them, this helps alleviate their stress about feeling judged or unaccepted.Examples:"I think anyone would feel angry if they had to do that.""I would feel the same way if that happened to me."“I can see why you feel that way.”

17. A – analyze consequencesBy examining the consequences of both negative and positive behavior with the person, you help them to separate their emotional reaction from their behavior. The behavior may need to be changed, but the emotions are natural and should not be punished. Examples:“When you yell at me, I feel disrespected and become upset too. However, when you speak calmly to me, I know you have respect for me, so I am able to listen to you better.”

18. D – don’t solve the problemSolving one’s own problems helps to build self-confidence. Empower the person by getting them to come up with a solution themselves. When given the opportunity in a non-judgmental setting, most people will find that they can come up with solutions to their problems. Examples:“How would you like to handle this?”“What would help you make a better choice next time?”“What do you feel like doing?”

19. It’s that simple. But it takes PRACTICE and HONESTY. If you don’t feel it, it will not work. Instead it will feel “fake” to the other person.Adapted from “When Hope is Not Enough” by Bon Dobbs. Visit:www.anythingtostopthepain.com