2. Dedicated to the faithful members of
The Counseling Solutions Group, Inc. Membership Site.
Your gracious partnership in the Gospel has made this work a reality.
I thank God upon every remembrance of you.
2
4. Small Group Life
How to Equip, Envision, & Experience a Dynamic Small Group
Rick Thomas
Introduction!............................................................................................9
Chapter One!.........................................................................................10
The perfect place to be imperfect!...............................................................................10
Carl, the angry guy!............................................................................................11
Jerry, the addicted guy!
......................................................................................11
Brice, the humble guy!.......................................................................................12
Suppressed transparency!................................................................................13
Break the rules of etiquette for the glory of God!............................................14
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................16
Chapter Two!.........................................................................................17
What is your group about?!..........................................................................................17
Progressive sanctification!................................................................................18
Take this quick test!............................................................................................18
Your union with Christ!......................................................................................18
Mutual care!
.........................................................................................................19
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................21
Chapter Three!
.......................................................................................23
Fellowship!.....................................................................................................................23
Here’s the Scoop on Fellowship!
.......................................................................23
What is biblical fellowship?!..............................................................................24
4
5. Fellowship requires community!.......................................................................25
Two caveats:!
.......................................................................................................26
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................26
10 questions to spark biblical fellowship!........................................................27
Chapter Four!.........................................................................................29
The ministry of the Spirit!.............................................................................................29
#1 – Regeneration!..............................................................................................29
#2 – Humility!
.......................................................................................................29
#3 – Serving!........................................................................................................31
Pursuing the gifts!..............................................................................................31
Commune and expect - Don’t grieve and quench!..........................................33
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................34
Chapter Five!.........................................................................................36
The cure for shallow small group life!.........................................................................36
Understand and live in the Gospel!
...................................................................37
Model the Gospel!...............................................................................................38
A picture is worth a thousand words!...............................................................38
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................40
Chapter Six!...........................................................................................41
How to do small group life together!................................................................41
Enjoying, sharing, and doing life together:!
.....................................................42
Things that will keep you from doing life together!
.........................................44
Questions for reflection:!...................................................................................46
Chapter Seven!......................................................................................48
5
6. Rent to own!...................................................................................................................48
Take the rent or own test!!.................................................................................48
Why does it matter?!
...........................................................................................49
The gift of poor leadership!
................................................................................49
Guess what?!
.......................................................................................................50
How to complement his limitations:!................................................................50
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................51
Chapter Eight!
........................................................................................53
Your leader’s job!...........................................................................................................53
Plus, he is your small group leader!!................................................................53
The leader’s purpose: application!
....................................................................55
The small group is about application!..............................................................56
Tips for a small group leader!
............................................................................56
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................58
Chapter Nine!
.........................................................................................59
Budget sin into your small group experience!...........................................................59
An uncertain sound!...........................................................................................59
Small groups are conflict opportunities!
..........................................................60
All in the family!..................................................................................................60
Embracing conflict!............................................................................................61
Deniers, avoiders, and the fearful!....................................................................61
To ignore sin is to neutralize the Gospel!.........................................................63
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................64
Chapter Ten!
...........................................................................................65
Care-filled confrontation and correction!....................................................................65
6
7. Confrontational tips!
...........................................................................................66
Humble perspective!
...........................................................................................67
All correction is speck fishing!..........................................................................68
Let’s get practical!!.............................................................................................69
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................70
Chapter Eleven!.....................................................................................71
Gospel-motivated discomfort !.....................................................................................71
The Gospel assumes discomfort!.....................................................................71
People with problems!
........................................................................................71
Uncomfortable questions!.................................................................................72
Inviting personal change!..................................................................................72
The problems observed!....................................................................................73
10 ways to freak out your small group!............................................................73
Change is here to stay!......................................................................................74
The birthing process!.........................................................................................75
Just when you thought it was safe!..................................................................76
God is about change!.........................................................................................76
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................77
Chapter Twelve !
.....................................................................................78
The local church!...........................................................................................................78
The dearest place on earth!...............................................................................78
It’s a body thing!
..................................................................................................82
Acts 2:42-47 revisited!........................................................................................82
An appeal from your pastor!..............................................................................83
The similarity between your employer and your church!...............................84
7
8. Questions for reflection!....................................................................................86
Chapter Thirteen!
...................................................................................87
How do your friends help you to mature? - A Final Appeal!......................................87
How do you want to do life?!.............................................................................87
How friends are chosen?!..................................................................................88
The quality of your friendships!........................................................................89
The small group antagonist!..............................................................................90
It’s bigger than you think!..................................................................................90
Sin’s progression will take its toll on you!.......................................................91
I need to be rescued!..........................................................................................92
Help your friends!...............................................................................................93
Questions for reflection!....................................................................................94
Conclusion!
............................................................................................95
Sample Application Questions For Rick’s Small Group!...........................................95
Dearest Small Group!!........................................................................................95
Think about a specific person who annoys you!!
............................................96
Let’s get personal by digging a bit deeper:!
.....................................................96
For Further Reading!
.............................................................................98
Meet Rick Thomas!...............................................................................99
8
9. Introduction
While the Bible does not formally command the institution of “small groups,”
the idea of a collection of likeminded believers who desire to come together
on a weekly basis to spur one another on to a greater depth of love and
affection for our Savior is an excellent idea.
The kind of activity that happens in small groups has always been a
fundamental part of the work of the church, as many biblical passages
support:
And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in
their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts (Acts
2:46).
As each has received a gift, use it to serve one another, as good stewards
of God’s varied grace (1 Peter 4:10).
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works,
not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging
one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near (Hebrews
10:24).
Lucia and I had been considering and praying about starting a small group at
our local church. God blessed that desire and answered our prayer. After our
initial launch meeting we began a seven week study through the book Why
Small Groups? Published by Sovereign Grace Ministries.
This book was helpful in getting our minds focused on what a small group
could look like. During that season I began writing an adaptation to Why
Small Groups? for our small group. This eBook represents that adaptation.
Because there is some overlap between my thoughts and the thoughts from
Why Small Groups? I am offering this eBook as a free gift. You are welcome
to pass it along to anyone you think it may minister to.
9
10. Chapter One
The perfect place to be imperfect
What do all of these things have in common?
• Failure
• Community
• Hypocrisy
• Friendship
• Lust
• Reconciliation
• Confession
• Anger
• Humility
• Dysfunction
• Repentance
• Sin
• Body of Christ
• Prejudice
• Arguments/disagreements
• Disciplines
• Forgiveness
There are probably several good answers to the question above. I can think
of at least two:
• The list represents the commonality of the human condition: all
Christians have these things in common.
• The list also represents some of the things you should be talking about
with your closest friends.
10
11. Now read the list again. How many of them belong to you? You should have
some familiarity with everything in the list.
Lust caveat - Lust could mean anything from sexual lust to jealousy,
envy, anger, and an assortment of other things that represent what you
don’t have, but desire to have.
Anger caveat - Anger has many synonyms like frustration,
disappointment, criticism, huffing under the breath, rolling of the eyes,
and grumpiness.
The big idea that we need to grapple with is what does community look like
in our lives and how are we contextualizing ourselves in community in order
to mature in true righteousness and holiness.
Put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true
righteousness and holiness. - Ephesians 4:24 (ESV)
Carl, the angry guy
Carl has been a small group member for over two years. From an outside
looking in perspective, he seems to have it all together.
That is most definitely his goal, as far as how he wants to be perceived; he
loves to be perceived as having a stellar reputation.
What his small group does not know is that he is an angry man. His wife
knows it. His kids know it. His anger has leaked out among a few friends,
but his group does not know the real Carl.
He is very much stuck on himself and craves people’s approval. It is very
important to him to be in control, on top of things, and to have it all
together.
Carl is a Christian. He is also a fake.
Jerry, the addicted guy
Jerry has been a porn addict since he was seventeen. He’s thirty-one now.
He’s been in his small group for a little over a year. He and Carl are friends.
11
12. They spend many weekends together because their wives, Sherree and
Janelle, hit it off.
Jerry sensed that Carl is not what he claims to be, but Jerry is thinking,
“Shoot, who am I to judge him. I’ve got this secret porn addiction.”
Jerry’s plan is to be clean for six months to a year before he tells Janelle, his
wife. His thought is that if he can kick the habit, then he can talk about his
addiction as though it was something in his past, rather than a current
struggle.
In his twisted thinking, he wants to maintain his reputation, project humility
before the group, and then gain some accountability just in case he is
tempted again.
His plan, like Carl’s, keeps him in control of the situation; rather than
submitting to and being humbled by the foolishness and weakness of the
Gospel—both Carl and Jerry want to maintain a certain amount of control (1
Corinthians 1:18-25).
Brice, the humble guy
Then enters Brice to the group.
Brice is a young Christian who has not learned the ropes yet. What I mean is
that he has not been contaminated by Carl’s and Jerry’s hypocrisy.
He has not embraced the value of hypocrisy or the art of deception. He is
still naive enough to believe the Bible and to talk as though it is really real.
He’s a newbie to small group life.
Carl and Jerry have measured transparency. They “leak out” certain things
about themselves during small group in an effort to show their humility.
They give the perception that they are part of the group, while not truly
being in the group.
Brice is amazed at their honesty and openness. From his perspective, it is
radically different from the nonsense in his office. As the saying goes, “It’s
easy to impress the fifth graders.”
12
13. Brice is impressed and he is grateful for his new group.
Suppressed transparency
You can imagine what a surprise it was to Brice the night Carl’s wife,
Sherree, blurted out, “I can’t take it anymore. I’m leaving Carl. He’s
intolerable.”
From that point, she shared through tears his many unexposed secrets. She
talked about the threats, his condemning ways, and even the physical abuse
to her and the children.
It was not a pretty picture. Sadly, it did not have to come out the way it did.
Behold, you have sinned against the LORD, and be sure your sin will find
you out. – Numbers 32:23 (ESV)
All of us struggle with suppressed transparency. Just like Adam before us,
our native tendency is to grab the fig leaves and cover up the shame in our
lives (Genesis 3:7).
In one sense, it is a form of insanity. Read the list at the beginning of this
chapter again. That is your list. It is my list. It represents only part of who
we really are.
• Why do we want to pretend that those things do not belong to us?
• Why do we want to suppress our transparency?
It is even more mind boggling to think that we can add many more things to
the list above. Here are a few more of my sinful companions.
Do not be deceived: “Bad company ruins good morals.” – 1 Corinthians
15:33 (ESV)
• Arrogance
• Self-righteousness
• Self-deception
• Dishonesty
• Impetuousness
13
14. Please explain to me why I would want to hide these things from my friends?
It is even more insane to participate in a small group that talks about
sanctification, yet refuses to let the group in on our dirty little secrets.
Break the rules of etiquette for the glory of God
Here are three things you should know when it comes to participating in
small group life, or with any close group of friends.
Everyone is afraid - Rarely will someone be like Brice; most people will
hide their shame.
There is a difference between talking about intentional sanctification and
actually practicing it.
If you want the kind of vision that I am describing here, then you’re going to
have to stop complaining about it and start pursuing it by your humble
example.
When we began the process of looking for a small group, we prayed that
God would bring a few likeminded people into our lives: people who would
embrace a transparent pursuit of mutual sanctification for the glory of God.
Value the community - Don’t settle for anything less than a group of
friends who want to do intentional sanctification together.
Did you know that it’s okay to be humbly dissatisfied with superficiality? You
don’t have to be mad about it, but you can be righteously dissatisfied.
Ask God to give you the grace to where your fear of being exposed trumps
your desire for this kind of community.
Carl and Jerry were deteriorating by the day with their relationship with
Christ and their respective families. They were living in unexposed sin, while
participating in a small group that was designed to fight sin.
It’s like becoming sicker while in the hospital. It is not supposed to be that
way. Carl and Jerry did not understand or want to understand the value of
community life.
14
15. Fortunately, Carl’s wife had enough gumption to spill the beans. Though it
would have been better for Carl to humble himself, mercifully his wife
brought his need before the group.
In time, he was able to get some help through his community of friends.
If you try to grow in your sanctification outside of the body of Christ, then
you need to adjust your view of the body of Christ and how it can be an
instrumental means of grace to change you.
Resist the temptation to dismiss this eBook - Some of you reading this
chapter, have hidden sin in your lives.
It may be hidden from your spouse. It may be hidden from your group. You
realize the truth of what is being said here, but you are afraid of being
exposed.
For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged
sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of
marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart.
And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed
to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. - Hebrews 4:12-13
(ESV)
I appeal to you to pray right now and ask God to give you a grace that will
enable you to email your small group leader or close friend immediately so
you can confess your sin and work through its crippling impact on your soul.
There is no sin that has taken you that is not common to all of us and there
is no sin that has taken you that is outside of God’s grace to repair.
No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is
faithful, and he will not let you be tempted beyond your ability, but with
the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be
able to endure it. – 1 Corinthians 10:13 (ESV)
Will you do something about it today? Trust God. Die to yourself. Be honest
for the glory of God. You are no different than me or any person in your
small group.
15
16. The list above belongs to all of us.
Questions for reflection
1. As you read this chapter, how did the Spirit of God speak to you?
2. Will you share how He spoke to you with a close friend?
3. Name at least two practical ways you can change in order to be a more
effective member in your small group.
16
17. Chapter Two
What is your group about?
As Christians, one of our main objectives in life is to move further and
further away from the sin that impacts our hearts and lives, while at the
same time, becoming more and more conformed to the image of our great
Savior.
A strong and purposeful small group is a wonderful context for this sort
progressive change to take place.
Sadly, a common complaint that I hear from some Christians is that their
small group life is more about socializing and less about compassionately
and competently getting into each other’s personal struggles.
They talk about a lack of intentionality from others in helping them fight a
good fight against sin, and of how they get so little help in understanding
and applying Gospel-centered solutions to their lives.
In cases like this, the small group actually becomes something of a
detriment to the lives of the individuals in the group—and to the overall
health of the local church.
In response to the lack of care in small group contexts, some members are
tempted to think along these lines:
I do not need another context or opportunity in my life to reinforce,
marginalize, or neglect the sin that is present with me.
There are too many places and opportunities for me to either be tempted
by or become involved in sin.
This kind of thinking tempts them to underestimate or devalue the role of
the small group in their lives. They become apathetic and find themselves
tempted to leave the group or shrink back from participation with the group.
Unfortunately, far from contributing to the growth and restoration of the
group, this sort of thinking inevitably ends up reinforcing the problem.
17
18. Progressive sanctification
Sanctification is a progressive work of God and man that makes us more
and more free from sin and like Christ in our actual lives. (Wayne
Grudem)
The main purpose of a small group is sanctification, but sanctification will not
happen if the members are not envisioned and equipped to serve each other
in their sanctification.
Take this quick test
Let’s see if you are ready for a Gospel-centered, Gospel-shaped community
that is focused on your personal sanctification: If someone in your group
pointed out what she thought was a sin in your life (without first getting
written permission), how would you feel?
1. Become offended and express it?
2. Become offended and internalize it?
3. Dissolve into tears?
4. Point out the obvious sins in her life?
5. Thank her for her care and concern, while asking more questions
about how you can change?
Your union with Christ
As a Christian you will never be more justified than you are today; there is
nothing you can do about it—or should want to do about it. Being in Christ is
an indissoluble union that your good or bad works cannot alter.
However, justification is not the same as sanctification. Once justified
(saved) you then have the opportunity to change in a progressive way
(sanctification). Justification is a work of declaration: God declares you
righteous because you are in Christ.
But sanctification is a work of transformation: because you are in Christ (and
the Holy Spirit is in you), God gradually makes you righteous through the
outworking of the Spirit.
18
19. The more you cooperate with God’s Spirit in the matter of sanctification, the
more you will be conformed to the image of His Son.
One of the ways you can cooperate with God’s Spirit is by contextualizing
yourself inside a small network of believers who have a singular desire to
engage each other in the wonderful work of sanctification.
Mutual care
In the Why Small Groups book, C. J. Mahaney quotes an illuminating
passage from Bruce Milne that highlights the biblical motivations for meeting
together in small, tightly knit communities:
The Christian life is inescapably corporate. Teaching on Christian holiness
has frequently concentrated almost exclusively on the “holy man” or the
“holy woman,” to the neglect of the biblical concern for “the holy people”
or the “holy church.”
The ideal of the “omni-competent Christian individual,” able to meet every
spiritual challenge and live a life of unbroken victory over sin and the
devil has undoubtedly produced remarkable examples of Christian
character; but, as every Christian counselor knows, this emphasis has
driven many to a lonely struggle ending in despair and disillusionment, or,
worse, in the hypocrisy of a double-standard life.
This whole approach needs re-examination. The bulk of New Testament
teaching on the Christian life, including the major sections on holiness,
occur in letters addressed to corporate groups, to churches.
All the major exhortations to holy living are plural–”we,” “you” (Ro.
6:1-23; Gal. 5:13-6:10; Eph. 4:17-6:18).
Similarly all the New Testament promises of victory are corporate (1 Cor.
15:57; 1 Jn. 5:4; Rev. 15:2). In other words the apostles envisaged the
Christian life and Christian sanctification in the context of a loving, caring
fellowship. (Bruce Milne, Know the Truth, 94)
In the place of the omni-competent Christian, we have an omni-competent
Christ who zealously cleanses His imperfect Bride, the Church—for His sake,
for His Father’s sake, and for the sake of the members of that Church.
19
20. And so the local church is intended to be one of the primary means of and
contexts for sanctification in the lives of individual Christians.
Sadly, from years of counseling experience, I can say the overwhelming
majority of people who come to me for counseling are not connected to a
local church in a way that practically, daily, impacts their sanctification. Still
others are connected, but not affected.
For these, I have commonly found that their local church either has (1) a low
or limited view of the process of sanctification, (2) fails to teach them how to
provide deep, caring contexts where sanctification can happen.
The importance of these contexts should not be underestimated, as R. C.
Sproul says,
It is both foolish and wicked to suppose that we will make much progress
in sanctification if we isolate ourselves from the visible church. Indeed, it
is commonplace to hear people declare that they don’t need to unite with
a church to be Christian.
They claim that their devotion is personal and private, not institutional or
corporate. This is not the testimony of the great saints of history; it is the
confession of fools. (The Soul’s Quest for God 151)
On the contrary, one of the core evidences of being a Christian is a unique
devotion and affection for other Christians (cf. John 13:35). There are over
30 “one another” passages in our “corporate training manual” that we call
the New Testament.
You can download a list of these “one another” passages by clicking One
Another.
1. How are you engaging your brothers and sisters in your local church,
as it pertains to the one another passages?
2. Have you given your friends in your local church permission to engage
you at a practical level of your sanctification as it pertains to these one
another passages?
20
21. Simply reading your Bible or listening to sound preaching will not be enough
for you to change. The Bible does not teach this idea. (Re-read the Milne
quote.) In fact, the ability to engage in private study is becoming
increasingly more common and is contemporaneous with the rise of literacy-
enhancing devices such as portable audio and the computer.
Instead, the New Testament teaches a distinct corporate, active, and
mutually engaging dynamic where change can take place. While small
groups are not the only way to pull this off, they do provide an excellent
context for sanctification to happen.
Teaching should not be the primary activity of a small group. There is a time
and place for the teaching of God’s Word, Sunday services. But small groups
are different.
Small groups are application groups: where a person takes what has been
taught on Sunday and begins to work it into the lives of people who are part
of a smaller, trusted community where they are known more intimately.
Incidentally, this is why a “bible study” is not a good replacement for the
small community group.
It is rare for me to counsel someone who does not know the truth (the
Bible), or some form of the truth. What is more common is the person who
has the knowledge, but has never been discipled to practically apply what he
already knows.
Too many times small groups become just another teaching venue where
good people are filled with more knowledge, but they have not been
practically and lovingly challenged to change and grow. This kind of mutual
care is what a small group ought to be about.
Questions for reflection
1. What is the primary point of your small group? How does progressive
sanctification fit into the purposes of your small group?
2. If you are married, you are part of another kind of small group, God,
husband, and wife. Apply the “Quick Test” above, as it pertains to your
relationship with your spouse. How does serving one another in your
21
22. sanctification workout in your marriage? Is there a freedom to care at
a level that matters?
3. Are you more apt to complain about your small group or more apt to
seek God to help you help your small group as it pertains to building
into each other’s lives at levels where change should be taking place?
4. Is there biblical support for a Christian unwilling to change or
uninterested in personal growth?
5. Do you have a passion to change? Then you should be glad when you
are challenged to grow by another Christian. Are you glad?
6. Do you give permission to your small group to ask you questions, to
seek explanations regarding your thoughts, motives, and actions
where appropriate? Why or why not?
22
23. Chapter Three
Fellowship
No matter what local church you attend, you will be challenged to find a
context where people are willingly desiring to be humble and open
transparent, honest, vulnerable, and self-disclosing about their lives with
you.
This is not meant to be a harsh critique of any one church as much as a
commentary on the fall of Adam, as well as my personal self-disclosure
regarding how I struggle with transparency. Being humble and transparent
cuts against the grain of my proud heart.
It’s important to know that people will never love you the way you need to
be loved. You will have to press the issue in order to get the real help that
you need.
Here’s the Scoop on Fellowship
Fellowship is a Spirit-led, humble, transparent, reciprocal community, that
focuses on what God is doing in the lives of the participants.
After a quarter century of being a believer, I am still challenged as I fight
against my pride, while pursuing humility in this area of biblical fellowship.
Pride easily wins out if I do not fight back. I must resist the temptation to
keep others out of my life.
Several years ago I repented of my self-righteousness--and I continue to
repent of this life-dominating sin--and began looking for a community of
believers who not only wanted to be pursued, but were willing to pursue.
Rather than sitting around, expecting others to pursue me, I had to become
the pursuer in order to find these kinds of relationships. True fellowship is
not a passive activity. True fellowship is not for the timid and true fellowship
requires a biblical honesty that is typically uncomfortable.
Sadly, many of us have come from backgrounds where this kind of honesty
has been held against us. Maybe you have not lived in grace-motivated
contexts and, therefore, are generally untrusting of others. Maybe your
interpretative grid on the matter of fellowship is flawed.
23
24. It is easy to be more about self-protection than self-disclosure and it can
take many years to get comfortable enough to let people into the real world
of your thought life. Unfortunately, some people never get to that place, but
hopelessly choose to live in that self-torturing, dualistic life where there is
discordance between who they know themselves to really be and the person
they project themselves to be.
What is biblical fellowship?
In a secular sense, I suppose it’s true that to fellowship with someone, you
must have something in common with that person. If you want to talk about
baseball and your friend wants to talk about Popular Mechanics, you would
not be able to have very strong fellowship.
Inevitably, one or both of you would become frustrated because you would
want to talk about what interests you and he would want to talk about his
current passion.
Fellowship requires a common, mutually agreed upon topic in order for two
people to benefit from the interchange.
In my illustration above, I have loosely portrayed fellowship as a give-and-
take that occurs when two or more people discuss any common topic that
they both enjoy. Some people could take fellowship to mean any kind of
mutually encouraging interchange.
But neither description of the word is what the Bible means when it uses the
word fellowship. Biblical fellowship is an entirely different matter: biblical
fellowship does not necessarily cater to our non-sanctifying interests.
In biblical fellowship, we table whatever topics we are passionate about so
that we can focus on topics that the Bible is passionate about. In fact, if we
talk about topics that we are naturally passionate (e.g., baseball, politics,
etc.) at all, our goal should be to allow those topics to be a launching point
to explore and enjoy topics that the Bible is passionate about. Allow me to
move from the abstract to the personal:
What do you think is the most important discussion topic in the world?
24
25. If you answer this question biblically, then the most important discussion
topic in the world is God, the central point of the Bible.
Is there any topic more important than God? Of course not. Nothing
surpasses Him. No topic is better than Him. Nothing should displace Him as
our main passion.
As John Piper frequently points out: If we are really committed to Christ—
and to our own happiness, if we really believe all of that stuff in the Bible,
the most important thing in the world is knowing God and loving Him and
serving Him.
There is no such thing as lasting, significant joy (or lasting significant
change) outside of treasuring this truth.
The common denominator in biblical fellowship is God.
Fellowship means to participate together, or to communicate things we
hold in common. The greatest common denominator between us as
Christians is our relationship with God the Father, through God the Son,
by God the Holy Spirit.
This forms the content of true fellowship. Our relationship with God
should be the main topic of communication within our small groups as we
participate together to fulfill his purpose in the local church. (Why Small
Groups? 11-12)
So how do we practice this? What should our context for biblical fellowship
look like?
Fellowship requires community
First, let’s note that fellowship requires community. Just as you cannot have
biblical fellowship without God, you cannot have biblical fellowship without at
least one other human. And as we saw above, you can’t have biblical
fellowship without talking about God.
Unlike Sunday services, small groups are excellent contexts for God’s
children to talk about Him. They are not as programmatic, which means that
25
26. group members are free to explore and probe questions that might distract
from a service.
Unlike sermons (which are like lectures in that just one person talks about
God), everyone gets to talk about God.
Small groups provide extended time periods for believers to come together
and dialogue about their faith. This makes it easier for believers to
encourage each other. It also makes it easier to correct wrong ideas about
God: because wrong ideas come to the forefront in the context of a dialogue.
Additionally, the limited size of the small group makes it easier for believers
to keep tabs on practical ways to serve each other. Similarly, it makes it
easier for believers to see how God is at work in their lives over time. A
small group is a robust context for God to change you and for you to make
much of how God is at work in your lives.
Two caveats:
1. God must be the central theme of your small group meetings. While no
doubt a shame, it is altogether too common for Christians to come
together for an extended amount of time and not talk about the most
important Person in their lives.
2. You can only talk about God to the degree that you understand and
experience Him. If you do not have a passionate relationship with God
outside of your small group, you will not be able to participate in or
enjoy the benefits of biblical fellowship within your small group.
Questions for reflection
1. Do you think giving your small group permission to probe, encourage,
and challenge your heart is a once and for all permission? Or is
permission something that you need to give again and again?
2. Consider your own behavior: Are their non-verbal cues that give your
small group a “back off” attitude?
3. What are you most passionate about? (This is a different question from
“What should you be most passionate about?”)
26
27. 4. Given that a small group’s conversations revolve around the passions
of its members, what do you think your small group values most?
5. At your next small group meeting ask your small group to share with
you what they have observed about your passion? Ask them to tell you
what you are passionate about?
6. How often does your conversation with friends center on what God is
doing in your life and how you are experiencing Him?
7. When you spend extended time with another person do you purposely
try to move the conversation from small talk to biblical fellowship?
8. Is it wise or biblical to seek out a small group that looks just like you?
To what degree, should age, gender, race, class, or political affiliation
affect your ability to enjoy biblical fellowship? Explain.
9. Are you experiencing biblical fellowship with your spouse? If you are
single, do you experience this kind of biblical fellowship with your
closest friends?
Please make every effort to answer all the Questions to Think About, even at
the cost of moving more slowly through this ebook.
10 questions to spark biblical fellowship
1. What is God doing in your life?
2. How is the grace of God working in a particular area of sin?
3. How can I help you fight the fight against sin?
4. What have you read lately that is helping you in your sanctification?
5. Will you help me in this specific area of temptation in my life?
6. How can I serve you in a specific area of sanctification in your life?
7. What has God taught you recently?
8. How have you applied to your life what God has taught you?
27
28. 9. What does it look like for a Christian to believe in the Holy Spirit? The
Father? The Son?
10.How does the work of the Spirit practically manifest Himself in your
life?
The more you genuinely aim to practice the “one anothers” through asking
these kinds of questions, the more you will enjoy your small group
experience.
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29. Chapter Four
The ministry of the Spirit
The gifts of the Spirit are a controversial topic in some Christian circles.
There is one of two main arguments or positions that most people take
regarding the gifts of the Spirit:
• Continuationist - a person who believes the gifts have continued
after the days of the Apostles.
• Cessationist - a person who believes the gifts ceased shortly after the
time of the Apostles.
I am not going to bring an amicable solution to the problem of the gifts here.
That is too far-reaching and not the intent of this chapter, but I would like to
bring a priority to some of the gifts of the Spirit.
The real controversy seems to swirl around how many gifts are available to
us today and which ones represent the more important ones. This chapter
will discuss the more important ones, by giving you my top three gifts of the
Spirit, plus how and why we should pursue the Spirit of God.
#1 – Regeneration
I think most of us can agree that regeneration is a gift of the Spirit and if it
is not possessed by someone then nothing else really matters. If I am
unsaved and on my way to hell because the Spirit of God has not
regenerated me, then whether I am nice in this life or can even run a small
country through my administrative gifting really does not matter.
Jesus said, “You must be born again” (John 3:7). He was right. You must be
born again. Can we agree on this?
This is the first and most blessed gift that you will ever receive from the
Spirit of God. This gift allows you into a relationship with God and it also sets
the stage for you to receive all of His other gifts.
#2 – Humility
I believe humility is the automatic, expected, and unstoppable heart
response to God’s amazing grace, as experienced through the gift of
29
30. regeneration--the first gift. A Christian who really understands the first gift
should be truly stunned and amazed by the transforming power of the Spirit
of God.
Those who understand the Gospel and have been regenerated by the Gospel
never really “get over” the Gospel.
This Spirit-given heart response to the Gospel is the primary character
quality of the heart which enables us to do everything else in life (James
4:6).
It most definitely sets the stage for how you practice the other gifts of the
Spirit. Humility is often overlooked and generally not regarded as something
that needs to be pursued.
At every step of our Christian development and in every sphere of our
Christian discipleship, pride is the greatest enemy and humility our
greatest friend. –J. R. W. Stott
We cannot free ourselves from pride and selfish ambition; a divine rescue
is absolutely necessary. –C. J. Mahaney
Humility is honestly assessing ourselves in light of God’s holiness and our
sinfulness. –C. J. Mahaney
It is evident that man never attains to a true self-knowledge until he has
previously contemplated the face of God and come down after such
contemplation to look into himself. –John Calvin
Every time we look at the cross Christ seems to be saying to us, “I am
here because of you. It is your sin I am bearing, your curse I am
suffering, your debt I am paying, your death I am dying.”
Nothing in history or in the universe cuts us down to size like the cross.
All of us have inflated views of ourselves, especially in self-righteousness,
until we have visited a place called Calvary. It is there, at the foot of the
cross, that we shrink to our true size.” –J. R. W. Stott
Fill your affections with the cross of Christ. –John Owen
30
31. I do not ever want to forget what God did for me at the cross. It is
humbling. I am grateful for His kindness to me.
#3 – Serving
While humility is the expected and stunning heart response to the first gift of
regeneration, serving is how we model or mirror a behavioral response to
the first gift.
Jesus said that He did not come here to be served, but to serve (Mark
10:45). The Savior was constantly observing, looking for how He could bless
others. The most profound act of service the Savior performed for the world
was giving His life on the cross. This act set the stage for us to receive the
first gift of regeneration. It also gave us an example to follow (1 Peter
2:21-25).
What more profound thing could any person do than give his life for you?
There is no love greater than this: a man who would die for others (John
15:13).
Though we probably will not be called to die for another person, we can give
our lives up on a daily basis for others.
In our home we talk about this by saying, in a tongue-in-cheek fashion that
no one is allowed to “out serve” the other person. We call it a “race to the
bottom.” We’re continually on the prowl, seeking how to “out serve” the
other person.
This kind of serving is impossible to sustain in a grace-filled enviornment,
and I do mean impossible, without the first gift of regeneration and second
gift of humility.
If you hope to have a dynamic small group experience, then this kind of
ministry of the Spirit must be your life’s breath.
Pursuing the gifts
While I hope to not neglect the pursuit of any gift that God has for me, I do
seek to maintain a steady effort regarding the practical implications and
applications of these first three gifts.
31
32. These first three are the ones that set the table for how I respond to life.
And because it is so hard to accomplish this, I ask my wife and small group
to help me in this endeavor to do these three things:
1. Never forget the Gospel - Gift #1
2. Seek to walk in humility - Gift #2
3. Constantly find opportunities to serve - Gift #3
Though I cannot lose the first gift, because it is a gift, I can be less affected
by this gift. When this happens, the second gift tends to lose its
effectiveness in my heart and mind.
Drifting from the cross not only loosens humility’s grip on me, but I become
more self-absorbed, self-centered, self-promoting and self-serving.
I believe that if every Christian wholeheartedly pursued these three gifts,
that it would radically change our families, churches, and nations, while
bringing unimaginable glory to God.
The Spirit of God is not only the Father’s gift to His church but the Spirit in
turn gives us many other gifts in addition to the three I have mentioned.
Take a minute to read these passages regarding the gifts of the Spirit:
• 1 Corinthians 12:8-10, 28;
• Ephesians 4:11;
• Romans 12:6-8; and
• 1 Peter 4:11.
There are many gifts of the Spirit and, as you may have surmised, the
Sunday corporate meeting can be limited as far as providing a context for
the entire church body to exercise and encourage one another with these
gifts of the Spirit.
Small groups, however, is a much better context for each member of the
body to express their giftings.
32
33. Commune and expect - Don’t grieve and quench
I’m not sure how much time Christians have invested in thinking about the
Holy Spirit. In my small Christian world, discussions about the Spirit of God
tend to be fear-motivated argumentation rather than exploring how to be
robust Trinitarians.
I’m not (necessarily) speaking for the larger body of Christ, but too many
times we affirm the doctrine of the Holy Spirit intellectually, yet in practice
we treat Him like a weird uncle.
All the while, Trinitarian passages like the following tend to be overlooked:
The grace of the Lord Jesus Christ and the love of God and the fellowship
of the Holy Spirit be with you all. (2 Corinthians 13:14)
Let me draw your attention to four imperatives that ought to permeate your
practical interaction with the Spirit:
Commune – Do you commune or have fellowship with the Holy Spirit? Do
you appreciate Him? Do you talk to Him? Do you love Him?
Do you thank Him for His work in your life? In order to fully express the gifts
that He has given to you, you must have a vibrant relationship with Him.
Expect – When you attend your small group, do you expect the Spirit of
God to work in the lives of the members of the group? Are you eagerly
anticipating the Spirit to do something?
What a difference expectation can make as we begin our small group
meetings! It can be the difference between a life changing encounter with
God and a superficial time together with no immediate or eternal benefit.
When each member comes expecting the Holy Spirit to reveal and
refresh, together we taste the power of the age to come. (C. J. Mahaney)
Don’t grieve – By not responding to our sin (as we are made aware of it),
we grieve the Spirit of God. If we are enjoying biblical fellowship with each
other, in the context of a small group, then there will be many God-ordained
opportunities to have your sin exposed.
33
34. In these moments of conviction we can experience the privilege of
responding to God by not grieving His Spirit.
It is very instructive that it is in the context of inter-personal relationships
that Paul wrote his warning, “And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of
God” (Ephesians 4:30). (Jerry Bridges)
Because small groups are inter-personal relationships, the group context can
be a boon or a bust, depending on how we respond to the work of the Holy
Spirit in our lives.
Don’t quench – Are you stirring up the gifts that the Spirit has given to
you? Are you exhorting and encouraging others to use the gifts that the
Spirit has given to them?
Wayne Grudem urges us to cultivate a mindset that notices and highlights
the activity of the Spirit in the lives of believers:
We must recognize that these activities of the Holy Spirit are not to be
taken for granted, and they do not just happen automatically among
God’s people.
Rather, the Holy Spirit reflects the pleasure or displeasure of God with the
faith and obedience–or unbelief and disobedience–of God’s people.
The Holy Spirit gives stronger or weaker evidence of the presence and
blessing of God, according to our response to him. (Systematic Theology
635)
You should take note, as my Baptist brothers say, “God laid something on
my heart,” that when He does, it’s time to respond to Him. Without the
empowering activity of the Holy Spirit, our small group meetings will become
shallow (as we flounder aimlessly toward unknown goals) or else over-
wrought (as we bludgeon each other into conformity with the Word of God
by sheer grit).
Questions for reflection
1. Gospel - Has God regenerated you? NOT have you asked Jesus into
your heart, but have you been regenerated, born from above?
34
35. 2. Humility - Are you daily amazed at what God did by regenerating
you? How does your salvation impact your heart? Answer this last
question practically.
3. Serving - Are you daily seeking to model his humility by serving
others, particularly those in your immediate family? How do your
family members reflect you in the area of serving? Ask your spouse or
close friend to help you to answer this last question.
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36. Chapter Five
The cure for shallow small group life
Consider “Joe.” A regular small group attendee, Joe asked his group’s leader
if he could meet him for breakfast. He wanted to share with him a complaint
about their small group: Joe felt the group was not progressing toward any
meaningful goal and, from his perspective, he knew why.
The following week they met and Joe shared several illustrations about how
the group seemed to be stuck in a superficial mode. He said no one showed
any interest in getting real.
This complaint of Joe’s is one of the more common complaints about small
group life. Through the years I have heard many small group participants
vocalize similar concerns. Here are a few (imaginary) grievances:
“We meet to go through a book or watch a video and nobody really says
anything. I keep my mouth shut and leave frustrated.” (Sue)
“My husband and I have been struggling for years, but there is no way I
would say anything about it in our group. We’d be the only ones with
problems.” (Carol)
“It’s a lack of transparency, if you ask me. These guys ain’t about to get
transparent.” (Jim)
“I would say something, but if they knew what was going on in my heart,
they wouldn’t associate with me.” (Glenda)
“I shared one time, when I was really struggling through something and
the group gave me pat answers, shared some Scriptures, but weren’t
really any help.
I felt embarrassed for weeks after sharing. I learned from that experience
to keep my mouth shut about things that mattered.” (Wallace)
A number of years ago I led a small group and over a 12-month period every
couple in the small group came to me complaining about the lack of
transparency in the group. I found it a bit humorous that everyone in the
36
37. group voiced the same concerns, but no one in the group knew what the
other members of the group were thinking and saying.
Fortunately, God gave us grace as the group changed into a dynamic
community that was willing to delve into nearly any personal problem as we
were strengthened by the context of loving and caring friends.
There were several things we needed to do in order to turn this group from
just another innocuous social gathering to a Christ-like caring community of
disciple-makers.
Understand and live in the Gospel
Before you can enjoy a loving, meaningful, and intrusive relationship with
another human being, you both need to have an in-depth understanding,
experience, and practice of the Gospel in your personal lives.
If you do not have a personal and practical experience of the Gospel in your
lives, then it will be nearly impossible to have a sustaining and meaningful
relationship with another person.
The Gospel is Christ—all that He was, is, and will be, plus all that He did, is
doing, and will do. In short, the Gospel is the person and work of Christ. The
more we understand Christ, are affected by Christ, and apply Christ to our
lives, the more our relationships will be transformed by the power of the
Gospel.
Look at what He did: He humbled himself (Philippians 2:5-10) by leaving the
relationships that He was comfortable with and entered into a context where
the relationships needed to change. Christ is a great model for us as we
participate in His Church.
Rather than waiting and expecting these new relationships to change
themselves, He showed Gospel-initiative by being the one to bring about
change and did so primarily by discussing, teaching, and modeling what it
looked like to have a dynamic relationship with God, because you cannot
model what you do not have.
So the first step in having a dynamic small group is to commit to building a
dynamic personal relationship with God. In order to have a dynamic
37
38. relationship with God you must be affected by the Gospel. The Gospel is
God’s plan for changing His church; it is the power of God unto salvation
AND sanctification!
But there is a definite sense in which you cannot be an agent of Gospel-
change until you are changed: If you don’t possess it, you can’t export it.
Model the Gospel
Whatever you want your small group to be like, then you must model that
kind of life before them. This principle is not limited to the functioning of
small groups; it has as much to do with the running of small groups as it
does with running every other part of the Christian race.
For example, consider the issue of parenting. It is obvious that parents must
practice what they preach. How effective would it be for a parent to ask a
child to confess and repent of their sin if the parent does not model and
practice the same?
Moreover, the bible makes it quite clear that if a parent wants a child to love
God with all his heart, soul, and mind, (cf. Matthew 22:36-40) then that
parent must own this truth by modeling what she is trying to export (1 Cor.
11:1; Eph. 5:1).
I want my children to have a dynamic relationship with Christ. I want them
to be honest and transparent with me and God. I want them to walk in
humility and integrity. I want them to be accountable to me and others.
Therefore, I must not only teach them what to do, but I must show them the
way by my example.
A picture is worth a thousand words
What is true of the household is also true of the small group. For a moment,
let’s consider the small group the Savior led: It was a 13 person men’s
group. The members had no vision for what He wanted.
They were selfish, conniving, sinfully ambitious, critical, and easily swayed
toward the sinful opinions of others. Christ was the only person who had the
right vision for the small group.
38
39. How did the Savior shape this group? Jesus patiently exported His life to
them. It took Him three years to whip this bunch into shape. It would be an
understatement to say it took a lot of blood, sweat, and tears.
But in spite of the cost, Jesus patiently and carefully loved and served His
disciples as He shaped them into the most dynamic small group in the
history of the church.
In time, all of the members (except one) of His small group became small
group leaders. As they modeled what Christ taught them, they forged other
leaders. This message was not lost on their generation. Listen to how one of
the leaders of that generation spoke about himself and the work of Christian
discipleship—as he coached another leader of his generation:
And what you have heard from me in the presence of many witnesses
entrust to faithful men who will be able to teach others also. (2 Timothy
2:2)
The issue of modeling the Gospel is very important. It was important to the
Father—or else we would not have had the earthly ministry of the Son. It
was important to Son—or we would not have had the ministry of His
disciples.
One of the interesting things about the four Gospels in the New Testament is
that none of them were written in “real time,” as the stories were unfolding.
They were all written after the fact. And what was written? All that the
disciples saw Jesus do and say. They considered it of paramount importance
to deliver to us the life the Savior modeled before them.
Christ affected people by His words and by His example. If you want to see
your small group go from a superficial social gathering to a Christ-centered,
caring community of disciple-makers, then let me encourage you to begin
with the following key ideas:
Key Idea #1 – Before you can enjoy a loving, meaningful, and intrusive
relationship with another human being, be sure you have an in-depth
understanding, experience, and practice of the Gospel in your life.
39
40. Key Idea #2 – In whatever way you discern that a member of your small
group ought to change, you model that changed kind of life before him or
her—in prayerful dependence on strength and timing from God.
Questions for reflection
1. Are you amazed that Christ died for you? Why?
2. Do the realities of the Gospel practically affect your daily life?
3. The more you realize the depth of your darkness before Christ came
into your life, the more your appreciation for the Gospel will shine.
4. What are some particular ways that God has forgiven you?
5. Jesus said that whoever has been forgiven much loves much. How
has God’s grace grown your gratitude?
6. Does receiving the grace of the Gospel in the particular ways you
have received it inspire you to penetrate the “darkness” of others in
order to impact them for Christ?
7. Do you see yourself as a person on a Gospel-centered mission when
you go to your small group meetings?
8. How would you like to see your small group whipped into shape? Are
you leading the charge? The adage is “practice what you preach.”
9. When you think about modeling the life you want your small group to
emulate, what fears run through your mind? What doubts?
10. What specific ways do you need to change in order to model the life
of Christ before your group?
11. Do you see the weaknesses of your group as “their problem,” “our
problem,” or “my problem?” Explain your answer.
40
41. Chapter Six
How to do small group life together
Joe was genuinely concerned about what he termed the “shallowness” of his
small group. Though shallow was probably not the best way to describe his
group, I understood what he was trying to say.
Joe cared for the people in his group and was seeking a way to be part of
the solution for a group that was not going anywhere as far as personal and
group sanctification was concerned.
Here’s what I got out of Joe’s description of the group: The group was stuck
and no one knew how to change it. With that in mind, I suggested a simple
“three step” process for Joe to consider. The first two “steps” are the two
principles I shared with you above:
Step #1 – Before you can enjoy a loving, meaningful, and intrusive
relationship with another human being, be sure you have an in-depth
understanding, experience, and practice of the Gospel in your life.
Step #2 – In whatever way you discern that a member of your small
group ought to change, model that changed kind of life before him or her
—in prayerful dependence on strength and timing from God.
Step #3 – To go beyond shallow interactions, a small group must do life
together and openly exalt the wonders of God in both speech and
practice.
Consider J. I. Packer’s take on these three steps:
Fellowship demands that we share with our fellow-believers the things
that God has made known to us about himself, in hope that we may thus
help them to know him better and so enrich their fellowship with him.
Fellowship is, secondly, a seeking to share what God has made known of
himself to others, as a means to finding strength, refreshment, and
instruction for one’s own soul.
Notice how Packer makes a priority of broadly sharing what God has done
for us, to us, and through us.
41
42. Enjoying, sharing, and doing life together:
We will now consider some important ways to share our Christian
experience:
Worship together – A small group cannot rise above a person’s personal
relationship with God; and how you express your affection to God, in the
context of your small group, is an indication of the true nature of your
relationship with God.
Do you have the freedom to lift your hands and worship God in the company
of your spouse, children, and small group? Though it does not really matter
where you put your hands, it does matter where your heart is regarding your
personal and corporate worship of God.
I’m using the word “hands” more as an idea of an untethered, uninhibited,
and unashamed lifestyle that reaches far beyond the sound of music. This is
a matter of the heart and how it is linked to the Father.
Are you more concerned about what others may think of you when you are
expressing your affection to God in a corporate context or are you more
controlled by the opinion of God?
Pray together – Spiritual intimacy will be enhanced or exposed by the
quantity and quality of the praying that goes on in your life, family, and
small group.
Do you have the freedom to go to any person in your small group and ask
them to pray for you regarding specific issues in your life? Would you say
that the relationships that you have with your small group are characterized
as prayerful relationships?
Carry each other’s burdens – Closely tied to praying with and for your
small group is the task of carrying each other’s burdens. Recently I asked
one of the couples in our small group to share their longstanding conflict in
their marriage.
Because they are humble, they willingly shared how they have regularly
struggled for over two decades in their marriage. Every marriage has at
least one issue that they regularly have to work through.
42
43. Are you aware of those issues with each couple in your group? You cannot
carry their burdens unless you know what their burdens are.
Confess your sins to each another– It is impossible for a group to be real
with each another if there is not a mutual agreement to be transparent.
Imagine going to a hospital and refusing to tell the medical staff the nature
of your sickness or injury. It is just as illogical to attend a small group and
not share your sins and struggles.
Are you the number one sin confessor in your group? Does your small group
know your sin? See James 5:16.
Correct each other – Continuing my “hospital analogy” above, imagine if
the medical staff knew what the problem was, but withheld the information
from you, the information that would aid you in recovering from your illness.
Similarly, it is sinful not to serve your brothers and sisters when they need
your loving and appropriate correction. Do you have the freedom to lovingly
correct your brother or sister in your small group? Do you make it your
practice to be compassionately bold for the sake of the Gospel with fellow
believers?
Serve each other – When you go to your small group meeting or think
about your small group members do you immediately begin to think of ways
you can practically serve them (outside of carrying burdens)?
You will serve them according to the degree that you know and love them?
How would you describe your knowledge and love for each member of your
small group?
Do you lovingly press into them, in order to get to know them so you can
effectively and practically serve them?
Use your gifts with and for each other– How has God gifted you? What
are your gifts? A small group is like a machine with many parts— each part
has a significant role.
There is no place in small group life for passivity. How aggressive and
spontaneous are you in sharing the spiritual gifts that God has given you?
43
44. Sit down with your spouse or a dear friend and reflectively walk through the
list above, beginning with worship together. Share with them your fears and
concerns regarding areas where you need to grow and change.
Then give them permission to speak into your life about their observations
regarding the elements above. If you do this, then you will be doing life
together at a level that really matters.
Things that will keep you from doing life together
While it is crucial that every small group member knows how to be proactive
in building healthy small groups, it is just as important that they become
educated about what can kill a small group.
The book Why Small Groups? covers this topic well, but I would add to the
good beginning laid down there by providing another vantage point on the
four problematic attitudes that John Loftness lays down in chapter two:
1. Self-sufficiency – Two common traits of the self-sufficient person are a
lack of prayer and a lack of intimate human relationship. The former says, “I
do not need God, therefore I do not pray consistently.”
The latter says, “I do not need people, therefore I do not allow others into
my secret world.”
Both of these individualistic attitudes will isolate a person from God and
man; they can kill any small group. You cannot “do life together” if you do
not press yourself into the life of God and others.
This is part of how the two greatest commandments work out in our lives.
Jesus said we should love God and our neighbor as the two greatest
commandments (cf. Matthew 22:36-40).
One of the ways we do this is by humbling ourselves so we can develop
meaningful relationships with God and man.
2. Formality – Cultural expectations and practices can be death to a small
group. While politeness can be appropriate, it can also be deadly. I’ve heard
people say, “Don’t talk about your private lives with other people.” There is
no biblical warrant to support this notion.
44
45. In fact, the purpose of the Gospel is to intrude into lives in order to redeem
them. Similarly, the point of a Gospel-centered small group experience is to
go beyond the superficialities of our lives in order to get deeply involved with
each other.
Furthermore, biblical fellowship is a spiritual activity. It requires the
Spirit. John 3:8 gives us a hint as to the work and ways of the Spirit of God:
The wind blows where it wishes, and you hear its sound, but you do not
know where it comes from or where it goes. So it is with everyone who is
born of the Spirit.
Though you plan and have an agenda for your small group meetings, a wise
leader will be listening, observing, and responding to the Spirit of God.
Counseling is the same way: You have a plan, but you are subject to God,
who may want to take the meeting or counseling session in a different
direction.
At times rigid expectations and formality must acquiesce to the work that
God wants to accomplish in your group.
3. Bitterness – The following is a list of some of the more common bitter
comments that can kill a small group:
• I studied for the meeting and we never talked about the book.
• They spent the whole time talking about Jim’s issues. I never got a
chance to talk.
• Marge dominates the conversation. It doesn’t matter what the topic is,
she always has something to say.
• Why can’t we start on time?
• I don’t like any of those songs.
• It doesn’t make sense that they let Bill lead this group.
• I think her husband (or her wife) is _________.
• All the mature people should get together in a different group so that
we don’t get hung up with all of these “basic” problems that the new
people are having.
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46. Notice how these bitter comments are dominated by a fixation on self.
Somehow, the bitter person has been marginalized—he or she didn’t get his
or her fair share, or wasn’t able to shine, or found that their expectations
weren’t met. At its root, bitterness is wounded pride. Consider how humility
could redress the situation—or have prevented it in the first place.
Also, mark how restoration could not occur unless the bitter person openly
admitted his or her bitterness.
4. Elitism – As the last sentiment on the list of the bitter comments above
makes clear, bitterness is often tied to elitism. The biblical term for elitism is
self-righteousness. Self-righteousness is a “greater than” or “better than”
attitude that chokes the life out of a small group.
One of the more common ways elitism makes its way into small group life is
through a lack of sharing. Typically a man who does not share the real issues
of his life is overly concerned about how others will think about him.
The non-sharer takes a high view of himself and he does not want others to
think less of him. This, of course, is a mockery of the Gospel.
The Gospel says we are the worst of the worst. We are broken and none of
us are righteous at all. The non-righteous man will cry out for the
transforming power of the Gospel.
He couldn’t care less about what anyone thinks of him. His desire is to state
the obvious regarding the reality of his soul so he can experience and enjoy
the grace that God offers.
Questions for reflection:
1. Self-sufficiency – Do you really believe that you need the members in
your small group?
2. Do you believe that God thinks this too?
3. What real circumstances could you point to that demonstrate how you
have relied on and yearned for the care of others in your small group?
4. Formality – Are you sensitive to the work of the Spirit?
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47. 5. Can you discern Him and are you comfortable going with Him,
especially when He goes in a direction you did not anticipate?
6. Bitterness – Are you more apt to complain about what is wrong with
your group?
7. Or are you more apt to pray for your group, while engaging them to
help them change?
8. Elitism – Is there anyone in your group you do not care for?
9. What if God treated you that way? Share your thoughts with another.
10. Will you ask God to change your heart toward that person and then
seek to build a relationship with them?
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48. Chapter Seven
Rent to own
As you have no doubt noticed, small group life is not a spectator sport. In
order for a small group to thrive, it requires every participant to be fully
involved. Without complete involvement by all of its members, the small
group will not flourish.
Ponder this striking insight from Greg Somerville:
Suppose R. C. Sproul taught your small group, Larnelle Harris led
worship, Billy Graham oversaw evangelistic outreach, and Mother Teresa
coordinated your service projects.
Wouldn’t that be fantastic? Can you imagine the potential your group
would have?
Actually, by my definition, the group would almost certainly fail. For in the
shadow of such gifted leaders, you would be tempted to leave ministry to
“experts” and neglect your own responsibility. And small groups don’t
succeed unless the entire group is working together. (Why Small Groups?
34)
A successful small group does not necessarily need a gifted leader. A
successful group must have committed participants who are actively
pursuing one another in practical love.
If the members of the group are practically applying the Word of God to their
lives, enjoying biblical fellowship with each other, and are passionately
devoted to pursuing God, then the chances of the group being healthy and
vibrant are high (Somerville).
What this implies is that you must own your small group. Giving and
receiving care is not for the experts. It’s your job; it’s your small group.
Take the rent or own test!
1. Do you own your small group or are you a renter?
2. Do you show up on time for small group?
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49. 3. Do you prepare during the week for your small group meeting?
4. Do you pray for your small group members?
5. Do you expect God to do wonderful things during group?
6. Are you ready and eager to share in your group?
7. Are you aware of your role and expectation as a small group member?
8. Do you regularly confess your sins to your small group?
9. Do you regularly encourage other small group members who are
struggling?
10.Are you quick to volunteer for serving opportunities?
Why does it matter?
While most small group members are well aware of the role of their leader,
they are usually not aware of their responsibilities, roles, and job
descriptions as members.
Too many small group members do not understand the simple and clear
teaching in Scripture about how the whole body must “step up to the plate”
in order to ensure the overall health of the body. As Paul urges,
[Model yourself after Christ] from whom the whole body, joined and held
together by every joint with which it is equipped, when each part is
working properly, makes the body grow so that it builds itself up in love.
(Ephesians 4:16)
And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good
works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but
encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing
near. (Hebrews 10:24-25)
The gift of poor leadership
It has been said that a chain is no stronger than its weakest link. Similarly a
small group will be held back by its weakest member. If small group life is
going to be dynamic, then all of the participants in the group must be
committed to the vision and the purpose of the group.
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50. Guess what?
My children say to me often, “Hey Daddy, guess what?” Their question puts
me on the defensive. I have no clue as to what they want me to guess.
I realize their question is a colloquial way of saying, “I’m about to tell you
something that you do not know.” They are not really asking me to “guess
what.”
However, in a small group setting, you do not want to keep your small group
leader on the defensive, unsure about what you are thinking. He’s not that
great of a leader. He cannot read your mind.
Don’t leave him guessing, so go ahead and tell him what is on your heart;
let him in on the secrets of your life so he can serve you. Only God knows
the thoughts and intentions of your heart, not your small group leader. We
must learn to cry with David,
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my
thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me, and lead me in the
way everlasting! (Psalm 139:23-24)
Do not let pride deprive your small group of your contributions. Open your
mouth and share with your group what is going on in your heart and life.
Your group leader is not your pastor and, therefore, his gifting is not as
broad and deep as your pastor. Let him off the hook by coming alongside
him through group participation.
How to complement his limitations:
Open your mouth in group – Dead air can be death to a group. While
being quiet is not a sin, cowardice is. If you are struggling with the fear of
man (Proverbs 29:25), then ask God to give you the grace to speak up in
your group. Plan on being the first one to comment at your next small group
meeting.
Meet with your group members outside of your group – Building
outside of your group is a great way to make your group meetings dynamic.
The better you know your group members, the easier it is to participate in
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51. the group. Pray and plan for ways you can meet outside of your group with
the people in your group.
Be constructive, not destructive – Are you more apt to complain or
express gratitude? The answer to this question will reveal the condition of
your heart. Are you more grateful or more critical?
Tell your small group leader what you like about your group. Encourage him.
His job is not easy. He is more aware of his limitations than you are. A little
encouragement can go a long way.
Be dependable – Do you value your small group? Do the weekly or
biweekly meetings have priority on your calendar? Have you ever planned an
event and people were either late or did not show up or showed up about
half the time?
This can suck the energy out of small group life. Be on time. Let others know
how much you value and cherish this time. Your faithful attendance will go a
long way in encouraging your small group leader.
Volunteer to serve – Use your gifts in your small group. Ask your small
group leader how you can serve the small group. Open your home for
meetings. Volunteer for the childcare rotation.
Use your administrative gifts to assist your small group leader. Send
encouraging emails to members of your group. Pray for your group members
and let them know that you prayed for them. How can you serve your small
group according to your gifts?
The most gifted head is useless without a body. Bless your small group
leader by working hard to make the group a success!
Questions for reflection
1. From the list above, how do you need to change?
2. Will you share with your small group how God spoke to you through
this chapter? ...through this eBook?
3. What is the greatest need for improvement in your group? How can
you help?
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52. 4. Ask your group their perception of you: are you a renter or an owner?
5. Are you willing to reveal your secrets to your small group? Why or why
not?
6. Who is more responsible for the success of your small group? You or
your leader?
7. What are some specific ways you need to change in order to make
your small group a success?
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53. Chapter Eight
Your leader’s job
Small groups do have—and need leaders. The typical leader is an unpaid,
part-time, volunteer employee of his local church. His primary responsibility,
outside of his personal sanctification, is the pursuit of his wife in order to
care for her in a similar way in which Christ is caring for His church,
(Ephesians 5:25).
His next responsibility is to model the Christ-life before his children (if he
has children) in order to motivate them in their relationship with God.
Of course with these three responsibilities of self, wife, and children comes a
very long list of periphery necessities that assist him in fulfilling his primary
responsibilities.
For example, he works a full-time job to provide for his family. He serves in
other ways in his local church. He may mow the lawn, take out the trash,
wash the vehicles, belong to a gym, have a hobby, watch TV, have friends
over to his home, and attend events for his children, ad infinitum.
And, in his spare time, he jumps in to serve his wife with her unending list of
chores. I’m sure he could add many other things to this list as well.
Plus, he is your small group leader!
Though you will never hear him complain about his role as your small group
leader (because he carries you in his heart) he does feel the weight of
responsibility in his care for you as he juxtaposes his affection for you with
the time constraints in his life.
His qualifications to be your small group leader are not equal to the
qualifications of your pastor. The small group leader’s qualifications revolve
around his…
Character: who he is before God;
Affection: his love for the body of Christ; and
Desire: his eagerness to bring God’s Word to bear on those under his
care.
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54. Ultimately, he wants to live out the Gospel in his life by modeling the chief
characteristic of the Gospel, which is serving others. (See Mark
10:45 and Philippians 2:5-11.)
You may ask, “What is the small group leader supposed to do?” It is
important to put his obligations in perspective. The following is a list of some
of his responsibilities:
He extends the pastoral ministry of your church – Though your small
group leader is not your pastor, he is a vital participant in how your pastor
provides care for you.
The small group leader is a “mini-pastor.” Ephesians 4:11-12 teaches us that
the pastor’s role is to equip the Christians so they can do the work of the
ministry.
A wise pastor spends part of his time equipping his leaders (small group
leaders if he has them) so they can do the work of the ministry.
This not only prepares more leaders for the overall care of the church, but it
allows the pastor to focus on his other duties, especially preparing and
delivering God’s Word.
He provides a context where sanctification can take place – Sunday
morning is not the best time and place for real authentic care to happen
because the Sunday church scene is not designed for that. However, a small
group context is an excellent solution to address the sanctification needs of
the people.
Sunday morning is an ideal time for hungry Christians to be fed, but these
hungry Christians need more than Sunday morning in order to work out their
salvation. A context of loving and caring friends set aside for this purpose is
essential not only for individuals to grow, but for any local church to grow.
He applies God’s Word to the lives of the small group – Knowledge
without application leads to empty-hearted arrogance. It is rare for me,
through my counseling ministry, to teach the people I counsel new
information.
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55. The majority of the people I counsel know what to do, but they are
frustrated in that they do not know how to apply God’s Word practically to
their lives. Counseling is not a teaching ministry as much as it is an
application ministry.
On the other hand, preaching is more of a proclamation ministry than an
application ministry. Small groups are an excellent context to take the Word
that is preached on Sunday morning and apply it to the lives of the church
members on small group night. A good leader is an application guy.
He facilitates growth, care, and relationships among the members –
Success in a small group is not measured by the size of the group, how
many groups you spawn or how many times you meet during the year.
A successful small group is a group that is increasingly dying to sin, while
increasingly growing toward Christ-likeness. This objective will resonate with
a small group leader and he will be determined to ensure his group is
mortifying and sanctifying.
Obviously, this is a tall order for any person—especially considering your
leader’s personal and family responsibilities. Your small group leader
probably needs a hug. Have you hugged your leader today? He may be tired.
Let him know, feel, and experience your gratitude for him.
The leader’s purpose: application
Wisdom is the application of knowledge. A wise man not only knows his
Bible, but he knows how to apply the Bible to his everyday life.
Many Christians know a lot about the Bible, but where we all need help is
how to practically bring the words of that very old book into our modern day
living rooms and lives.
Knowing the truth does not automatically imply that we will live by the truth
—the former does not assure the latter.
Knowledge acquisition, as profitable as it can be, is a world apart from
knowledge application. Several years ago, a professor I had gave me a
useful definition of wisdom. He said that wisdom is knowledge applied.
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56. Here are two of the damaging by-products of not cultivating biblical wisdom:
1. Knowledge without application leads to arrogance and relational
dysfunction.
2. Application based on inaccurate knowledge leads to foolishness and
relational dysfunction.
Knowledge and application leads to steady growth toward Christ-likeness
and relational harmony.
The small group is about application
A small group leader’s job is to help his small group in the application of the
Word of God to their lives. The primary problem will be the member’s
challenges in applying God’s Word to their lives in real, specific, and practical
ways.
But it is the lack of application contexts that has given rise to the biblical
counseling movement. Granted that a biblical counseling organization can
assist a local church in their sanctification needs as long as the para-church
organization does not replace this local church expectation.
A small group is an excellent solution for the application deficiencies in a
local church. Imagine a local church that preached the Word of God soundly
and then provided contexts where its people could go and get their
sanctification issues resolved. That would be a balanced and sound local
church that was modeling what the NT churches in Paul’s time sought to
exemplify.
Tips for a small group leader
Below are four excellent tips to help a small group leader lead his group
more effectively:
Start on time – Show your seriousness and care for your members by
showing up for group early and by starting on time. If you spend the first
hour of a two-hour small group meeting chatting around the snacks, you will
send a clear message to your group: “I’m not interested in your
sanctification.”
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57. Though your members may not mind you wasting small group time, there
will come a season when they will regret the lack of redeeming this valuable
time. Their season of regret will be when suffering comes to their family and
they are ill-equipped to walk through the suffering biblically.
Confess your sin – If you want your group to share the real hurts in their
lives, then lead by example. Share your sins with your group and let them
see how to confess sin. Let them see how to work through sin. Let them see
the freedom there is in confessing sin.
Also share the sin in your marriage. They need to know that it is okay to
share the deepest struggles of their lives. Sanctification means
transformation.
Tell them what is wrong with you and how you are appropriating God’s grace
to your life.
Target the heart – Keep asking questions until you get to the root cause of
the problems. Our problems flow out of our functional theology, which is
rooted in our hearts. While you must address the external issues of their
lives, you must target the root cause of their problems. (See Luke
6:43-45 & James 4:1-2.)
Keep asking the “why” question until you get down to the real problem.
Below is a sample conversation. Though our normal dialogue does not
happen this “cleanly,” the mock conversation below will give you an idea how
to take the conversation to a level that matters:
• Beth – I got angry at Tim
• Rick – Why did you get angry at Tim?
• Beth - He said something unkind to me.
• Rick - Why did that hurt you?
• Beth - Because he misunderstood me.
• Rick - Why is it important to not be misunderstood?
• Beth - Because I want him to think rightly about me.
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