This document provides tips and strategies for parents who did not want children on how to maintain their pre-child lifestyle while appearing to be responsible parents. It suggests using computer technology and recorded messages to minimize direct interaction with children, focusing on careers, hobbies and social lives instead of family time. The document promotes finding freedom and control through money and distance from family obligations.

1. How To Be A ‘Good’ Parent ( when you never wanted kids in the first place)

2. Introduction Parenting is expensive, time-consuming, and a total buzz kill We can show you ways of maintaining a college social life while still posing as a decent, responsible adult to the rest of society Plus! We’ll discuss how computer technology can help you cut down on family one-on-one time to make room for more time at the “office”… wink wink.

3. Agenda Best places to hide your archived “Playboy” issues Best strip clubs 20 minutes outside cell reception (California and Nevada only) Minibars that look like bookcases (we’ll give you a list of installation services that won’t ask for your real name! EVER) Children’s computer software that utilizes your recorded voice so it SEEMS like you’re there, ‘playing’ with them the whole time! Questions to ask at the PTA that will ALWAYS make you seem involved Things to buy your kids that will make them speak highly of you behind your back…even if you missed their play…softball game…and birthday (trust us!)

4. Overview Parenting in the 21st Century (who says life ends when you’re married with children?) You don’t have to sell your bachelor soul to the gods of ‘nuclear family’ in order to be a member of society… Remember: Settling down doesn’t mean you have to settle …it means being the master of your domain! Car(s)/ House(s) Gadgets Kids/ Spouse Success = the pieces are separate but equal Freedom Control Career Sex $$$$$

5. Vocabulary Glossary of terms: “ Virtual Responsibility” = Being there for your family no longer means actually ‘being there’. “ The Book-shelved Bachelor” = Don’t kill your inner bachelor; just put him on the shelf when someone’s looking! “ Pixelated Parenting” = Nurture your kids through software…yes, a text message can be just as good as physical interaction (especially during puberty…we’ll teach you how to say I love you in THEIR language…keep your distance AND your sanity!) “ C.O.O.L.L. kid” = Confident, Online, Off your back, Loves alone time, Looks normal

6. How You Got Here Most of you are sitting in this room because you’ve lost something, a few things, to an ideal we call “parenting”: 1) your soul/libido 2) your freedom 3) your right to fast food/beer/porn/ occasional narcotic use 4) your checkbook 5)your freedom 6)your mind

7. … More Ways To Get Your Mojo Back Drink. It doesn’t mean you’re an alcoholic; it means you’re still in touch with that free spirited, lean, mean, 4th year in a row beirut champion, fraternity co-social chair, 20-something you once were. If you can write thirty-page papers off the wagon, you can parent off the wagon. Get into real estate: the money is better, the hours are shorter, the boobs are faker, the work is mindlesser. Book a reality series: you get PAID to spend time with your family…the rest of the year is up to you.

8. Summary Parenting is not fun Your twenties were fun Your kids don’t have to ruin your life…as long as they stay in their rooms Computers are awesome Money = freedom

9. Where to Get More Information Fox 11 News FHM Facebook Bars